Reflecting

I’ve built a wall && I want to keep it there

I was going through my Bloglovin reader and came across something After Nine To Five did, it’s called “Secret Week” where you share a secret. And it’s always so interesting to know about other peoples lives, it’s one of the things I love the most about blogging. Knowing people just like you struggle, how they cope with it.

When I was younger, in high school, blogging saved me. It was a place I could write about my day, about my life, somewhere where I wouldn’t be judged. But this was back in the early 2000’s. Not many people were online at the time and hardly anyone had a blog.

Growing up was hard for me, I was struggling with a lot of things that hardly anyone really knew about. I struggled with things that other people witnessed but excused, well except one of my exes who tried to help which turned out to be a fail. But a part of me will forever be thankful that he tried, that he cared that much when he didn’t really have to. Even if he is a completely changed person now. There were things I did that I’m not really proud of and every reckless thing I did was to do one thing — kill the pain. But in reality? It just made the pain worse. But you know, chasing temporary highs. It was better than no highs and just all pain (I deal with that in a different way now, but it’s not something I’m comfortable talking about right now).

A lot changed in 2004, especially when Martin and I started dating. I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship and he was out to get back at me through any means he could. Martin had a chick who was obsessed with him that was also out to get back at me (even though I had attempted to be her friend, she was mad that he “chose” me over her even though she was never an option in reality). They both took things I had written in my blogs and used it against me. A lot of drama happened that caused me to stop writing (especially because of that chick and one of M’s family members). And so for a long time, I stopped writing.

My OCD kicked in, I started getting paranoid. For years, I shut myself off. I refused to talk about my problems, I stopped trusting people, and because I’m not that type of person, it destroyed me. I’m trying to wiggled out of this, I’m trying to trust people again. I’m trying to write about the things that bother me, but it’s hard. I always feel like there’s something I’m not suppose to say. And I miss the days when blogging wasn’t so out there. When it was my safe place.

I try to focus on being positive, finding a way to cope with the things that frustrate and depress me and moving on. I try to shape my life around in a way that no one would have anything to use against me anymore. And for the most part, they probably wouldn’t anyway. People try to break me and Martin up (yes still!) but we have no secrets between each other. None. I gave up lying, because he doesn’t deserve that and I don’t have the energy to lie anymore. But I won’t forgive or forget all the things that people did that year to betray me. I will not people who are only poison to my life stay in my life.

I’ve built a wall, and even though I know that it’s unhealthy to keep it there, I can not afford to let my guard down and be hurt like that again. Maybe some day I’ll get over it, maybe some day I’ll feel like the world isn’t out to get me… but that time isn’t now.

I’m going to give myself the proper way to heal, and decide what to do from there.

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