Marriage has always seemed like a tricky thing to me. Like, I didn’t really understand it growing up, and honestly, I sort of still don’t really understand it now. Even if I have been married for almost 2½ years.
The subject of kids is one thing that I like to avoid. Honestly, I don’t like kids. It might be because I don’t understand them. I didn’t grow up around kids. My brother and I are very close in age and I was hardly ever around kids growing up. Or it might be because I really just don’t care.
Or maybe I have some big hidden buried reason.
The idea of having a kid is scary. I get how protective mothers can be over their children. You have this bond and you just don’t want to see them hurt, ever. You don’t want them to be anything other than okay. I don’t like being protective over things that I have no control over. I don’t like putting my heart out there on something that might destroy it. And on the other hand, I don’t know how to raise someone. I know very well what it’s like to grow up, to want to rebel. I don’t know how to raise someone to encourage them to be their own person and to know they’ll make the right choices. I know I can’t expect them to, they need to learn these things on their own, but I just… I don’t want them to end up like me. I want to give them something so much more better. So much more support and encouragement and love. But I don’t want to be let down.I don’t want that responsiblilty. And I don’t really think anyone can understand what I mean.
The reason I bring this up is because M has this big plan to have kids when we’re 30. Or when I’m 30, since I’m older by a few months. But the problem is that that’s three years from now and there’s still so much I want to do with my life. A lot of it is impossible with a kid. And I just… I hate it. I hate being 27 and I have barely lived! There’s so much I want to do and see and I want to live MY life. Growing up I’ve always been held back from things and for once I’d like to live my life at my own pace and call my own shots.
It just sucks.
I made a bit of a bucket list, but still, I don’t know. This whole stupid kids thing is stressing me out. Stupid marriage and your stupid compromises.