Marriage

Haunted by the past…

Last night while I was trying to fall asleep, the lights were off and hubby was still playing his game with his back to me but we spent about an hour just talking about random things and it was pretty relaxing.

But then we started talking about serious things. People always wonder how we’re complete opposites but we work. We get along all the time. Which isn’t true, we don’t get along all the time, that’s just impossible! But I personally think that we get along so well because despite the difference in our families financial status growing up, we have very very similar stories to tell as far as our experience growing up. Which some times freaks me out but I think it plays a big part in us.

When we met we were just two kids stuck in this school for kids who coulda tried harder in a normal high school but didn’t. When I had been forced to enroll I didn’t think I would meet someone and I definitely did not think I would meet my future husband. We never took things seriously, we annoyed each other (though he says he annoyed me because I came to school in the morning with puffy red eyes like I had been crying all night all the time — which was true, I was in an abusive relationship at the time. His annoyance was the highlight of my mornings), but we weren’t super close until the following year when we were the only two people in our graduating class who were held back (and stuck in leadership — alone — together).

He use to tell me he hid behind humor. That he had dark secrets that no one should know. I thought he was kidding. M was the type of person always laughing, always making other people laugh, always smiling. I wouldn’t had guessed. I never knew when to take him seriously. I hid under my hoodies and my sarcasm. And his dark secrets weren’t that much different than mine.

When your kids grow up, the things you say and do to them, they remember. Even if it’s not consciously, they remember. And like M said, “no matter how much older you get, no matter what you do, this shit never goes away.” and it doesn’t and no matter how hard *I* try, I still subconsciously set myself up for failure or I quit because there’s this damn invisible wall that just STOPS me.

Now we’re just two damaged adults trying to figure HOW to be an adult and how to come to terms with the things of our past that haunt us everyday. But at least we have each other and at least when things get to be too much we have a best friend to lean on to help us through. I’m certain that we’re badass enough to get through this, we just gotta come up with a plan. A good one. Good enough to trick ourselves 😉

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