Reflecting

He’s gotta be the one no chicks attached…

SPiNNiNG: Neva Get Enuf by 3LW

I’m drowning myself in 2002-2003 songs today. It’s a cold November day, what do you expect? Cold weather does weird things to me. Though I guess this isn’t news if you know me. So I’m reading Love and Other Perishable Things and while the ending was heavy on the feminism, it was also heavy on the whole we-can’t-be deal and it got me thinking (mixed with this song and all).

The more I dated, the more I accumulated “rules” as most girls/people do. You know, being young you think you just know everything and this whole rules/guideline thing is totally foolproof (you fool!).

I had a boyfriend once, a pretty fantastic one. Besides the fact that he totally screwed me over in the end even though I guess I shoulda saw it coming and I think in the back of my mind I always knew it was going to happen and I think at the time I talked myself into thinking the inevitable heartbreak was worth it. Sure we were even closer friends after the break up but the deal was he was with a girl for a very long time and they had broken up (again) and I swooped in knowing that 1) He wasn’t over this girl 2) She probably wasn’t over him and 3) They literally JUST broke up. And even though that was a dumb move on my part (I was pretty selfish at 17) that experience was added to the list.

Don’t mess with a guy who’s got a chick attached to him.

Take it however you want.

When I started talking to M, I didn’t really know what his relationship situation was, and I didn’t really care. I only cared about the fact that this boy at school kept me laughing and smiling and forgetting how much I just fuckin wanted to kill myself. I was in a bad relationship. No, the kind of bad where the only way out was to kill yourself. And everyday I went to school and M put a smile on my face, I delayed my plans by just one more day. One day he came to school to tell me some girl he use to like invited him to a party and was asking if it was okay if he went. I remember saying, “I don’t know why you’re asking me, it’s not like we’re dating.” and he was like, “you’re my friend.” and it was just confusing cause we were just friends at the time. I didn’t know he liked me, I guess he knew I liked him. It was sweet of him to ask, in a totally unnecessary way. I kept my distance from him, I figured it was safer to just like a guy and not get involved with him and make up far fetched fantasies and just be safe. M gave me the courage to break up with my awful boyfriend for good and all I really needed at the moment was a friend, and he was that.

Fast forward a month later, chick from the party? I would rather had dealt with her than what was going on. It’s complicated to explain if you weren’t there but some chick was clearly obsessed with M and majorly cock blocking me after we both outted with the fact that we liked each other. And a part of me was reminding me of my quote, “If it changes your life let it. No expectations, no regrets.” and another part of me reminded myself of that boyfriend with the chick and how I told myself I wasn’t going to put myself in that situation anymore (and ironically that ex was the one who would calm me down when I’d get upset over stuff going on with M).

Fast forward another month, all is said and done with M and that chick and he’s always hanging around and calling me. I remember one night we were on the phone falling asleep and he was like, “why did you give up on me? I didn’t want you to.” and I was like, “it just seemed like the best thing to do, I didn’t think you liked me anymore.” and he was like, “I never stopped.”

How do you know when to drop a rule and take a chance? Aren’t the rules put in place to protect yourself? To make you feel like you give at least a little shit about yourself and your heart? I don’t know. I don’t know when you know to drop a rule. He needed me and I needed him and everything else just sort of happened.

We’re blind to the good guys because we always remember the bad guys who broke our hearts. But maybe if we just sat down and thought about it, it wouldn’t be so hard to see the good guys who sincerely care about us. I’m not saying that ex didn’t sincerely care about me because I would like to think back then he did. And I’m not saying he was a bad guy either, but I’m glad he made me put in place that rule. And I’m glad M broke it.

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