Reflecting

Dear Zel…

I know right now, at this point of your life things are complete and utter shit. I know you feel helpless, stuck and afraid and I’m sorry that I wasn’t strong enough to remove you from the situation you’re in now. I’m sorry that you’ll still be living the nightmare within the next six months and I’m sorry that it will only get much worse from here.

If I could tell you anything, right now, it would be this: you will lose your friends. You will lose the one person who is the most important to you. When this will be over, you will have no one and nothing. You will also lose your best friend, and that will kill you. Even ten years later.

But despite all that, everything will get better. You won’t understand why these things are happening or what it’s all suppose to mean and it will be hard to pick yourself back up but you will. You’ll make mistakes along the way and hurt a boy who never had the intention of hurting you because your guard will still be up and well because let’s face it, you’re a bitch and sometimes you like making mistakes. And that’s totally okay. But the boy will forgive you. Though he’ll do a super jackass thing that will hurt you ten times worse, but let’s not get into that now… we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Or well, when you get there, cause I was already there and all.

I’m getting off track, we tend to do that, don’t we? Can tell you right now, ten years from now you’ll still for the most part be you. The parts of you that save your sanity but other parts… the parts you might like the most about yourself will be muted. I’m still working on how to unmute them.

Point is, right now sucks. Summer will suck harder. But you’ll be okay.

I know I said earlier I was sorry for not being strong enough and a part of me is sorry. A part of me wishes this never happened. A part of me wishes I had known better. That you had known better. But who were you going to tell? Who was going to understand? Everyone already had their assumptions and that was bad enough. What if everyone had known the truth? What good would it had done? To this day, I still think none. Because everyone would think the *duh* solution would to leave, like it would had been that easy. Like you weren’t scared for your life. No one understands that until they’re in that themselves. I’m sorry in general that you had to go through that — no one should ever have to. But I can not say I’m sorry it happened. For one, let’s be real. You kinda deserved it. And second it made you into a stronger person. It will take a lot of time, but you will be a stronger person because of it. That’s not to excuse the mark and mental issues it left you with but still.

This is the beginning of the end. But you’ll be okay. I promise. ♥

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