What’s deep in yo heart?

SPiNNiNG: I Care About You by Babyface + K-Ci & JoJo

I talk a lot of crap about being married. And even though I’ve been married for three years and to the most fantastic person I’ve ever met (except when it comes to cleaning up after himself… the dishes won’t do them selves) I still think the idea of marriage is crap. And I’ve talked about this before.

The truth is, once the “newness” of a relationship fades, I panic. I’m not someone to stay with long term. It’s true; I get bored. I think you get bored. I’m insecure. I have demons that haunt my mind. I can flip the script and be someone you wouldn’t even recognize but the truth is it’s always been there. And I think keeping that “newness” gives me a chance over and over to start over. To be stuck in that “impress them” phase and I can pretend that all the fucked up shit about me don’t exist.

I’ll admit, being married — being in a long term relationship prior to that — irritated me. Because when you’re with someone for ten years, there is no “newness”. There really isn’t a legit way to get that real deep “newness” back. The falling in love part where all those chemicals in your brain go fuckin crazy and you’re so absorbed in this person and you put them in this light where they’re like ahhh (*cough* angels singing). And for a long time, I was addicted to that newness. I needed it like a caffeine addict needed coffee in the morning. If you get what I’m sayin’.

Now don’t start assuming things; I’ve been faithful to my husband. He’s the light of my life (whatever that means). He’s the quirky sayings on my Sweethearts. He still smells like home. He still is home.

But I think, no matter what, there will always be that compulsive part of me who’s obsessed with fucking up every good thing in her life as building a wall who wishes she could go out and experience that “newness” again. Except for when she tries to claw her way out these days I pick up a book or watch a chick flick and fall in love with fictional characters.

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