Reflecting

What would make you happy?

I don’t know.

I honestly don’t know.

And it scares me and irritates me and causes anxiety and panic all at the same time.

WILL I NEVER BE HAPPY?! WILL I NEVER BE SATISFIED WITH LIFE?! WELLLLL?!

If you had asked me 5 years ago the answer would had been simple; I just want to work for Disney.

It was like my one goal in life. My biggest goal in life and now that I can cross that off my bucket list I really… am at a loss and I know I’ve talked about this plenty of times before. I want to work for a publishing company in New York. I want to have lunch in Central Park. I want to experience snowfall. I want to work in a cubical I can pin pictures of my cat and inspiring words around and maybe have a little pot I can name Boq. It’ll be a mini cactus. I want to see Broadway musicals on my day off. I want to come home to a small cozy apartment with a modern look and a fluffy couch for me to plop down on and watch Netflix.

But now I’m 28. I’m married. My life isn’t just mine anymore, it’s my spouses as well. There are tons of other things to factor in — how to pay rent, how to pay for our car, how to pay those damn utility bills, how to pay for food, how to pay for cute seasonal clothes (I’ve never been able to indulge in this but I feel like if I moved to NY it would be a MUST) and various other things that may or may not make my head explode just thinking about it.

And while he tells me he doesn’t mind if we find ourselves in NY with me working in a publishing company, how would I get there? Falling into Disney was a lucky chance. But I doubt I’ll be that lucky with moving to NY.

I just wish money wasn’t something I was constantly worrying about. How to pay my bills, how to stay on top of things, debt — DEBT EVERYWHERE. And it really does fray the edges around what could be happiness. What could be a good thing and I know it could STILL be a good thing, but I have bigger responsibilities now. I’m not a 20 year old daydreaming about her life. I’m a 28 year old who’s living A life and trying to live ANOTHER life.

I will be happy again, I just have to work harder. At various areas of my life.

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