Reflecting

Sometimes I just wanna quit, be normal for a bit

SPiNNiNG: Where’d You Go by Fort Minor

What is normal? I’m reading back on blogs from today 2007 and I do this thing where I block out shit. Any day to day shit from 2005 til now? I couldn’t really tell you. I remember bits and pieces and I block out everything else. So when I read back to my struggles and how hard and shitty life was it does something to me. I don’t know exactly what. It’s a feeling of missing those times (because I shopped like no ones business) but sad because my life has always been hard.

I wrote an entry yesterday on a private blog about how a favorite lifetime vice of mine when I’m down and out was always the answer but never the solution and I feel like that applies to a lot of things I do. In high school I was out of control and reckless and I would get into anything if it meant killing the pain. Numbing my mind and tricking myself into think that somewhere someone would want me. Even if it was for less than hour.

And I hurt people doing that and at the time I didn’t care, all I cared about was myself. My feelings. And I turned my back on people who would literally show up at my door just to see how I was doing. Who would pick up the phone and dial my number just to see if I was okay.

But people change, people are always changing.

I don’t know what the point of this post is. I guess I just needed to talk. I needed to run through memories and piece it together.

I still don’t have my solution. And I’m still running to answers.

Except this time I don’t have people coming to my door or dialing my number to see if I’m okay.

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