Don’t expect so much they said…

You’ll only be setting yourself up for disappointment.

I know, it’s been a really long time since I’ve been here.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been on any blog, writing or reading. I don’t even watch YouTube videos that much anymore.

I’m a little upset, not going to lie, that a year with a four in it has been so rough so far and that it’s the ten year anniversary of everything for us and we’ve been struggling as well. I guess I just expected too much. Like life owes me something too much. That might had contributed to the downfall.

The last month in particular has been really rough on me and while it seems like some aspects of my life are getting even worse, I’m just… tired of caring I guess. I’m tired of letting other people control my emotions. I’m tired of laying in bed depressed out of my mind and relying on sleeping aids to drift me off to sleep and shut my mind off for me.

And so I made the decision last week to get up.  To get back to building the life I want because it’s MY life and only I can make sure I create it the way I want. I threw away my sleeping pills and last night was night 2 without them which was harder than night 1. I couldn’t sleep at all last night. The only reason why I was able to sleep on the first night was because I did some pretty intense kickboxing the day before that and I was still worn out from it. Which makes me miss kickboxing classes. There’s nothing nicer than the tiredness you get from a work out like that. I’m not sure if it’s the same for all work outs since I don’t really work out. I just kickbox lol. I’ve been consumed by anxiety a lot lately, like crazy amounts of it. Which I think is what’s making me depressed the most and so I’m trying to get that in control. It’s all in my mind. And damn is my mind powerful. But only against me. Crazy piece of shit.

Thunderstorm season has started here in Florida and I can’t say I’m excited. It’s exciting when you know, you’re not required to work outside and stand in the storms. But since that isn’t really the case this summer… there you go.

So here’s to a new month and to starting over…

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