She, she ain’t real…

SPiNNiNG: Rumor Has It/Someone Like You — Glee

So between now and my last entry — things didn’t really get any better.

My lower back is freakin killing me.

I’m gonna blog this standing up, cause this is seriously insane.

But within the month that has passed, things, if anything got significantly worse. As if I didn’t think they could get any worse than they already were. But that’s the beauty of life, isn’t it? It can always get worse.

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead…

So I had to step back. I had to calm down. I had to think. Which was hard when you’re sucked into a black vortex of straight up fury and depression. And I had to reevaluate what I wanted. What I deserved and how to get it. Revenge would had been sweet, but that’s not what we’re talking about.

So the last — in total — three months have been straight up crap. So much crap that I dropped ten pounds, that I barely went to work and I barely passed any of my classes. I barely slept. I barely did anything. I just… didn’t care. Why care. We were seeing just where caring was getting me. Nowhere. And nothing.

Thank goodness for my girl A for saving me and being there for me the last three months or I woulda lost my damn mind!

I probably already did, regardless.

I’m beating around the bush.

So my OCD was a primary focus in all of this, because my anxiety had significantly spiked up. And I do mean SPIKED. UP. Like I was constantly anxious. I was constantly on the edge. I was constantly angry and depressed and I felt like my emotions were going to consume me whole. So I did what I said I wouldn’t do because I can beat this naturally. Except it’s been ten years. I need a little help.

So I got a little bit of help and the little bit of help has been A LOT of help the last few days. I feel better already; I feel more clear minded, I’m not anxious anymore (thank goodness), I’m not wallowing in depression, I’m getting back to focusing on the things that made me happy and the things I like doing and I’m feeling good. I’m not happy just yet. But I’m feeling better than I have in the last three months — in the last ten years. That’s for sure. I see small changes with my OCD lately and I’m glad of the progress I’m making. They’re things I thought would never stop bothering me and now I can just ignore them like they’re not a big deal — because they’re not.

I actually had a bit of an argument with my OCD yesterday while doing the laundry. It’s not as dominant and strong or loud as it use to be. There are times when I’ll mindlessly give in to smaller things but this particular thing I figured the only reason why I’m even getting slightly anxious is because I keep thinking about it. So I went off to do something else. Needless to say, by the time I pulled the CLEAN laundry out of the dryer I had no desire to rewash it even though my OCD was trying to get me to and I survived just fine. It’s nice and it’s different to be able to separate the two. I mean I’ve always been aware of the OCD and my own rational thought but before it felt like the OCD was taking over my rational thought and turning it into what it wanted. But now I can step back, back enough that I can decide what I want to do.

And to have that control back after so many years.

It’s nice.

And I’m excited about this journey.

So to the people who made my life a living hell the last three months, thanks. You guys are still assholes but at least now I’m on a journey to a better, happier, healthier me and well… you guys are still stuck in your shithole.

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