Risking it although it’s hard…

I know I have not been here in forever and I always think back to updating this blog but it seems like… I don’t know. I have so much to say but not enough to say, if that makes sense? This year has been really tough on me; emotionally and mentally. I’ve gone on journey’s and I’ve gone into angry rages. I’ve tried simple yoga and meditation. I’ve researched mindfulness and I try to practice gratitude as often as I can. My mom has been sending me lots of cards with positive reminders and advice which has helped me every time I’ve fallen off the path I’m on. Right now I feel like I’m sitting on a rock within my path making faces at the ground because I don’t know… well I do. But honestly I’m lazy. This path is never ending. But I know if I just stick with it and if I just keep pushing instead of curling up into a ball in my closet wishing the day away I’ll get better and easier. I wish I could believe in myself the way people believe in me. Then again, no one would feel worthless if that were to actually happen and we’d never know personal struggle or personal improvement or what it’s like to strive for something, would we?

Those who know me in real life or on my social media sites probably had an indication that I was on my way to being separated/divorced by the time the summer had ended. A lot of really bad and hurtful stuff happened and I didn’t know what to do, all I knew was I wanted to get out as quickly as I could. That he would never understand the pain he put me through and maybe I should had written about it somewhere but I didn’t. I mostly just kept to myself and cried and at some points I didn’t even get out of bed until 5PM just to go back to bed at 8 or 9. It was seriously awful. As someone who wants to do ALL THE THINGS and who’s constantly making lists in her sleep and finding places to eat to not even being hungry. I lost 10 pounds in one month and I’m slowly gaining the weight back but I was SO sad at myself. I let myself down, it wasn’t about him or what he did anymore it was the fact that I disregarded myself and my health because of something someone else was doing to me. And that’s what got me into positive thinking, meditating, yoga, practicing gratitude… was that no one teaches you that YOU are capable of creating YOUR OWN happiness. That YOU should NEVER make SOMEONE ELSE responsible for your happiness. And I should had known this, right? I swear I knew this when I was younger. But just because you’re older and married doesn’t mean you should lose sight of the fact that if you can’t love yourself then how can you expect anyone else to love you?

Since then we’ve talked about it and I think we’re finally on a path to recovery. To being best friends again. To the communication we use to have with each other. It’s a slow process and it’s going to take a lot of time but the truth is people can give you all the advice they want (most of them being “you should break up with him and find someone else” like it’s that easy or not putting other factors into consideration) but it’s YOU who has to LIVE with the CHOICE you make. At the end of the day, at the end of your life, it’s still YOUR choice.

I came across this today and it totally just made an impact on everything that’s happened recently and in the last few months.

Pretty powerful, right? I think once the intimacy stops that’s when problems start. My husband is really into skin-to-skin contact. I remember when we were kids he use to do this thing when I’d get sad where he’d lift my shirt to expose my belly and lift his shirt to expose his and he’d rub our bellies together saying “belly rub! belly rub!” like seriously, how can you NOT cheer up after that? He’s obsessed with morning cuddles and spending time together. We both noticed the other doesn’t touch the other anymore. And so we say something. He always makes sure to grab my hand now even if we’ve literally just stepped out the door. And I remember if we were walking around my house back in CA, like to go downstairs or something he’d always hold my hand. He’d hold my hand while he was playing video games. He was constantly making skin-to-skin contact. I don’t get it, but apparently it’s something he needs. I’m happy with just being cuddled, as long as he doesn’t fall asleep cause then he’ll drool and I’ll be irritated.

Marriage is hard and it sucks how hard it is, no matter how long you’ve been together or what you’ve been through or what life will throw at you next. But when you think about it, really think about it, could you imagine your life without this person in it anymore? One thing that got to me was a good friend of mine recently divorced her husband, they had grown up together and were together for 10 years too and it just blew me away how easily she just let him go. She had this perfect fairytale wedding and this fairytale marriage that most people may never experience. At least I know my marriage will never be that cute or fairytale-ish and she just let it go like it was no big deal. Like he never meant anything to her and it’s just crazy, seeing someone go through that process over weeks. I could never imagine myself letting go of M that easily. It would be impossible. And I wouldn’t be able to let him go if I didn’t at least try to make things better. Like M always says; no one in this world knows us better than the other person. And though he was making rash mistakes I should had known better and I should had been more confident that no one knows him like I do. And no one ever will. And that the things he’s going through are his things and perhaps, though he had hurt me over and over, I should had asked him what was wrong. And that is the hardest part, knowing something is troubling your spouse and not having the courage to ask them to talk about it because their actions are hurting you.

And yeah, maybe that’s stupid to say because they shouldn’t be hurting you at all. But the reality of it is that we’re all human. We all have shit we’re dealing with. Shit that we’ll tell people and shit we won’t tell a soul. And there’s all this talk about when you get married you’re sacrificing everything for the other person because that’s what you agreed to. I half believe that’s true and I half don’t. You should still be able to BE YOU. And YOU should ALWAYS come first. Regardless if you’re married or not. So find that balance. Or surrender and show compassion first. Maybe the other person really needs it and doesn’t know how to ask for it. Or is too ashamed to, regardless of how well you know each other. And there shouldn’t be anything wrong with that.

You’re here to learn together and grow together. To help each other figure out this life thing.

At least, that’s my perspective on things.

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