When you know it’s over, it’s pretty much over.
I never thought I would look at him and see nothing. I remember a time when I’d look at him and think damn I really love this guy. And now, nothing. How does that happen? How does someone wake up one day and they are not the person they were when they fell asleep the night before? Is it something that happens instantly or something that trickles in before completely taking over someone’s soul? And if it did have to do with me, why didn’t he just try to talk about it instead of trying to get back at me? That isn’t what marriage is about.
And now I’m sitting here, on Christmas Day and I’m all alone and as much as I say I’m fine, deep down I’m not. But I can’t let that show. Because what’s the point? This has been a fight being fought since May. Nothing will change, no matter how intense the fight gets. Nothing ever changes because he doesn’t get that what he’s doing is hurting me. He cares more about her and her feelings than he does about me.
For the first Christmas in ten years there was no surprise I-was-thinking-of-you gift. First it was he didn’t know if he’d have enough money. Except he was already looking for gifts for 2 other girls he works with. Next it was he couldn’t find anything. So which lie is it? Then he went on to complain about how much money he already spent on me. And it felt too reminiscent of another time, another relationship. And that’s when I shut up. Because he’s never complained how much something costs when it came to Christmas gifts. And after this Christmas Eve, I get it. He’s not the same, and he doesn’t love me anymore at all. And it’s not just because of the lack of a gift but because of the way that the whole day he didn’t give me one hug or one kiss or even wish me a Merry Christmas. He still hasn’t. He didn’t give me a hug or a kiss when he opened his gifts that he said he liked. He didn’t have a smile on his face. All he said was thank you.
Pretty much sums how I felt about last night.
It’s Christmas and you can’t even fake some excitement or happiness?
I wish writing things out made it so that you were releasing them into the universe and you were free of their taint. Or their poison. But that’s not how it works. I wish I could forget completely about last night. But I can’t. And that really sucks.
Two sleeping aids tonight for me.