Marriage, Reflecting

My heart is breaking…

5 years.

5 years ago today I was saying my vows. I was marrying my best friend. It was suppose to be the happiest day of my life. But even from the beginning it wasn’t. Even from the beginning until it was just me and Aileen I had been stressed out. I don’t like people talking to me that early in the morning or fussing over me. I just wanted to do my hair, do my makeup, get dressed and get this over with. I was nervous beyond belief. I remember crying the night before because in less than 24 hours I was going to be married. Something I spited for as long as I can remember. I never wanted to get married. Sure at some point when I was 16 I did, like every other girl, but as I got older I couldn’t really imagine myself with anyone forever. And even now, I still can’t.

Someone gave me some really interesting advice the other day: “Somewhere in the back of your mind you always know if you’re with the person you’re suppose to be with or not. It might take awhile, but when it comes down to it, you’ll always know.”

And that perfectly summed up how I was feeling. How I am feeling. I could never see myself having kids or maybe I just could never see myself having kids with M. I could never see myself changing my last name. Or maybe it was some sort of subconscious way of telling me that I’m not with the right person.

The days when he felt like the right person feels like a million lifetimes ago. I don’t even remember what that feels like. I don’t remember what his eyes looked like when they softened and he would comfort me. I don’t remember what his touch felt like when he’d cuddle me to sleep or braid my hair after a shower. I don’t remember what his smile looks like — his real smile. Or his laugh. I don’t remember how he was before he was who he is now… who isn’t someone I know. Maybe he’s trying to impress his friends, maybe this is the person he’s grown into. All I know is the person living with me today is not someone I know. There’s no intimacy, there’s no love, there’s no safety, there’s nothing. I feel nothing.

And just five years ago, I felt everything.

Why does life work out this way? While I’ve let go of my marriage a long time ago, why does my heart still hurt knowing it’s over? Why am I still scared to venture out into the world and live MY life and leaving him behind?

I know it’s hard to detach yourself from something or someone that you’ve grown with. That you experienced most of life’s lessons with. That you graduated high school with, struggled through college with, learned how to pay bills with, got married with, tried to figure out this spouse shit with…

But I can’t lie, my heart feels like it’s breaking into a million fuckin pieces right now and all I want is my best friend back. But he’s not coming back and I need to realize this. Everything is gone.

It’s time to start over.

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