Mason: ok if u want to change then change the stuff M forced into u can be changed and also u might be better staying with nick might be good
Me: Not that easy tho Mason. I never stop my boyfriends from gaming because my ex broke up with me for it when I was 16. I’m not clingy either for the same reason. Every person you’re with has the power to change you. It’s bullshit.
Mason: ok but what happens when u meet a guy (like myself) that actually likes clingy girls or would want to play games with you what happens when u meet them ? the thing is 7 billion ppl in the world one will match how u act so dont change for some one to match them cuz that means that u just lost ur match up and also u made someone else lose the match up.
A friend of mine and myself had a conversation sort of like that once. When we were about 14. Before either of us even had boyfriends. She wondered if there was just ONE person in the ENTIRE WORLD made for us and it’s something we’ve both toyed with in our head as we grew up. I’ll seriously never forget that conversation in the band room Dree!
Now that we’re both older, both divorced and both dating other people… I guess… I dunno. I do believe that every person you date and every person you’re with changes you. Influences you. Leaves a mark on you. And that’s not saying it’s a bad thing but sometimes it can be a damaging thing.
I remember mentioning to Nick that I wanted to visit him at work randomly but I stopped myself and I apologized. He was sincerely confused and asked why I was saying sorry and I was like “isn’t that like, annoying or something?” and he was like “no, why would that be annoying? I’d love for you to visit me at work.” and I dunno, it’s just weird. Like I’m now programed to do all this stuff or rather to not do all this stuff and it just sucks. I want to go back to being that thoughtful, everything-I-do-is-symbolic girlfriend that was way too sweet. It sucks when you find a good person but you yourself are so far damaged beyond repair. But lucky when that person wants nothing else but to see you smile, to hear you laugh and to sincerely make you happy. You can just feel that that’s their intention. Whatever it takes to make you happy, they’ll do without hesitation. And it’s not a you-owe-me-later type of feeling either. It’s a sincere they really want to make you happy feeling. Nick doesn’t get mad when I’m in the car playing on my phone or on Instagram and Twitter while he’s driving. He doesn’t get mad if I don’t talk on the drive home at 2AM both of us shit tired. And it’s things like that, that remind me how fucked up I am. Because I’m suddenly not the silence-is-okay type anymore. I always feel like I have to make conversation or I have to keep talking about something. Even though Nick doesn’t care if I do or don’t. Every time I am on Instagram on my phone he always looks over tells me I’m cute when I’m concentrating on something or replying or whatever. And always telling me if we ever go on vacation that means no blogging lol.
And it’s nice and it’s different and you don’t know how to react when these things that you wanted to do for someone once before to brighten up their day only made their day awful and now the person you’re with wants these things and you don’t know how to shake out of this funk you’ve been in for so long. I expect Nick to hide me and he doesn’t. He talks about me all the time. To his friends, his coworkers, his family… he’s in no way ashamed to show he cares about me in front of my friends and his friends or the entire world for that matter. And when my friends ask what his intentions are he always replies with “making sure she feels like the princess she is and to make her as happy as I possibly can from here on out.”
He is truly something else.
And while I’m here, struggling to find that side of myself again, trying to convince myself it’s okay to be that person again, he’s standing right there waiting patiently and not judging me when I slip and fall. He just helps me right back up and I try again. I hate that I find it weird, how kind he is. How caring he is. How romantic he is. Because it’s sad, in a way. Like what kind of people have I been dating if something as simple as him bringing me flowers before a date excites me to the point of no return?
Things happen for a reason and him coming into my life at the time he did could not had been an accident. I don’t know how this piece fits into the puzzle but I’ll figure it out, I usually normally do. Until then, I’ll enjoy my time with my Prince Charming creating new memories, going on new journey’s and having someone near that flat out cares about you and isn’t afraid to tell the world.