My heart is pounding, but it’s just a conversation

SPiNNiNG: Take Your Time by Sam Hunt

This song has been on heavy repeat all week. I don’t even remember how I came across it again but I’m super glad I did.

I feel like the world is spinning way too fast and I’m struggling to keep up. To keep things in line. But there’s this boy and he’s like a tornado in my so neatly kept world. He shakes everything up, throws things I had solid opinions on and throws them around until all that’s left is me. The me I am today. The me who is no longer a victim but a fighter. The me who will not give any fucks. The me who if you show me you don’t care, I’ll show you I don’t care even more. The me who’s free to be excited again and happy over the smallest things without having to keep her happiness in check. The me who runs around malls and grocery stores and places with pretty lights.

  

There’s this boy and though I haven’t known him for long; he’s helped me feel more confident in my skin to the point where I’m wearing dresses and skirts (with cute kitty tights, but still, it’s a step). He makes me feel like I’m worth something — and I know you’re never suppose to put that power into someone elses hand. YOU are suppose to KNOW YOUR OWN worth but it’s nice when someone comments on it too. I am still after all human. There’s this boy who is content as shit just sitting with me looking out at the water for hours into the night holding my hand. There’s this boy, who doesn’t rush me into anything, doesn’t force me into anything (except when it comes to homework). There’s this boy and he’s the most polite and respectful boy I’ve ever dated. To have someone respect you after going so long without that… it’s a strange feeling. I know I shouldn’t but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like this is just a figment of my imagination. Like all of this isn’t real. How could this be real? How could someone like Nick be into someone like me? I’m a total mess. A total and complete chaos of a mess.

I know you’re suppose to dwell on things and I try my best not to. I don’t find myself reaching back as much as I use to… but I wonder how M feels that he destroyed his marriage. That I actually left. That I found someone who cares about me, who actually takes care of me and makes me happy. We were never meant to be baby, we just happened. And I guess at some point we just rolled with it cause what can we do now?

I have not loved someone in possibly years. I haven’t felt this bubbly happiness or this urge to just watch him in years. In literal years. And it’s such an intense and scary feeling. A feeling I don’t think I’m worth of and especially not from someone like Nick.

Life works in extremely mysterious ways.

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3 comments

  1. Sometimes, when life throws bad things at us, all we wish is to be happy, then when the wish is granted, we wonder why and feel like we do not deserve it…We have to learn to enjoy our happiness today, when it is finally here and because we do deserve it. You deserve it! ((Hugs)) Gia

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