The last week and a half I feel like I’m just… floating on by.
It’s crazy when anxiety hits you because one minute you could be totally fine and the next minute, without cause or reason, literally out of nowhere suddenly you’re really really not.
I get anxiety for a lot of reasons — there’s a lot of things that have happened recently that I know I haven’t settled within myself. I haven’t taken the time to grieve, to pull the events that took place apart just to put them back together to make more sense to me. I don’t write about things like that anymore, I don’t blog about them, I try not to talk about them. And I don’t know why, I don’t know why I stopped. I always feel like I can take on the world by myself; that this problem is mine and mine alone. But as of late I’ve just been… ignoring them. I tell myself that these things are over and done with and there’s no reason to be upset or hold grudges or mourn. Like doesn’t stop for anyone. So keep your head up, smile and remember that despite the things that have happened the important thing is that those days are over and they’re not coming back. You’re okay now. You’re safe now. You’re loved now. There’s no need for fear or worry. There’s so much in life to be thankful and happy about now. There’s SO MUCH.
But if you have anxiety, you know that even telling yourself of all the positives sometimes that shit just creeps up on you and smacks you upside the head like hey, remember me? Of course I do, can’t forget someone who won’t go away.
I’ve been drained the last week and a half. I haven’t felt like doing anything and I didn’t get anything done. I did clean my kitchen which I think triggered everything; cleaning a mess that isn’t mine and having to do this shit all over again. It’s the little things, isn’t it? That always fuck with your head when you least expect it. All I know is that I’ve been in a bad mood overall and easily irritated by the littest things and I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all. I’ve been hating hot baths, phone calls, text messages — I don’t want anyone to talk to me. I just wanna be left alone. And I keep crying.
On the upside, I keep forgetting to take anti anxiety meds (which I only take now on weeks like this which doesn’t happen often at all). So it must not be that bad if I keep forgetting, right?
And today I decided to get up, appreciate the sunshine and get back to work.
Anxiety is always going to come back, but it’s up to me to decide how I’m going to handle it.
It helps I have an amazing boyfriend who will call even when he has work early the next morning and talk to me to calm me down and make sure that I’m really okay before he even thinks about going to sleep. Who can tell when my vibe has changed and will make me laugh or watch a movie or a TV show with me and wait until I’m ready to talk about it. He might not know anything about depression or anxiety but he sure does know how to ease most of it when it shows up and for that I’m incredibly thankful.
I’ve been drowning myself in slow jams and feel good music to try and change my mood. So far it’s working.