Reflecting

Do you feel like a man, when you push her around?

Today last year was Easter.

I have a super private “blog” app I keep on my phone that I only write in when either something makes me incredibly sad or angry. I hardly post any happy things in there but lately I have been. So there’s been more happy posts and happy screenshots going on. I have a tendency to go back and read these posts as a I wonder what I was doing one year ago today thing. I did this a lot with my LiveJournal’s back in the day too.

Nick had said we’d go to Disney; it has been a thing I do — spend Easter at Disney. But the night before he had stayed up late gaming with his friends like stayed up till 7am gaming as he had been the whole week and weeks before that. Knowing his pattern, him sleeping that late meant he wasn’t going to get up until 3pm the next day and no matter how I asked he wouldn’t put that into consideration.

So when Easter Day came around I was obviously pretty pissed off about it. I remember being upset and tired of this shit — I hate empty promises and I hate liars. It was pretty much a month and a half of pent up irritation.

He walked over, grabbed me and slammed me into the couch pinning me down screaming at me to quit acting like a child. No matter how hard I tried to kick him or if I tried to push him off he would just tighten his grip and keep screaming at me. It gave me a massive panic attack that he told me to get over.


There are specific signs in a person that tells you that they’re not a good person. There are certain traits that if you look close enough are big huge warning signs. The problem is that we put so much faith in people hoping that they’re not like the last person or that they care about you as much as they say they do, when the reality we don’t want to see is that they don’t. There were plenty of times I wrote I think he’s looking for a dog and not a girlfriend from how controlling he was.

After today last year it only got worse and worse from there.

I look back at these entries and I wonder why I stayed. Why would I put myself through that shit day after day? I deserved better, I knew I did. So why did I put up with something that wasn’t worth it with someone I couldn’t give a shit about? Through out that whole relationship I can’t really tell you I cared about him. If he got hit by a car or something I honestly don’t think I would had cried or worried. I’d probably be pissed if it didn’t take him out. It was such a fling of a relationship that held no substance or importance in my life and all the shit I had to deal with in the process just makes me so mad that I didn’t leave sooner. It’s like there were all these signs and I ignored them because I felt so lost and scared and helpless. And it was awful.

I still have a problem with liars. If anything I hate being lied to more than anything else. If you don’t like me or see a future with me, that’s fine. Don’t think you’re hurting my feelings by leaving because I’m not the one for you. I’d rather be told early than have my time wasted. I’d rather hear the truth than have someone lie to me to spare my feelings. Fuck my feelings, lies are a sure way to destroy my trust and once that’s gone it’s almost impossible to get it back.

I know the past is the past and there’s no reason to sulk in it or waste our time over it but I can’t help but feel a little sad about today.

I would never allow myself to be put in a position like that again.

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