The months are getting colder, which is exciting!
And the weather has been perfect here in Texas. I’ve missed real Fall’s!
This week hasn’t been too eventful.
I’ve been burning my new Bath & Body Works “Relax” candle during my baths and I’m not sure if the space is just too big or what but the scent throw doesn’t throw as far or maybe these candles just don’t have very strong throws in bigger area’s. I know Bubba’s loving his “Focus” one but he sits like right next to it so that might make a difference. Mine is a bit away. Maybe I’ll try lighting it closer to the bath.
We got the TV out in the living room to the TV stand. I don’t know how I feel about the cubes on the side, I feel like that and the top are a bit cluttered. But I’m excited to have my Wii U hooked up again! I played some Mario while Bubba desythed some stuff on FFXIV, it was nice playing games in the same room together.
I finally remembered to bring my hair dye I got for review from Amazon into the bathroom and I dyed the lower half of my hair. I was pretty disappointed with the outcome — it said to leave in for 40 mins but nothing happened. So I left it in for an hour and 15 and my hair SLIGHTLY got lighter. I didn’t have high hopes since my hair is BLACKKKK but even blond hair dyes will change the color within half an hour. Not to mention this dye left my hair feeling super dry and stringy and kind of crunchy. It didn’t have a strong hair dye smell but it still left my hair feeling really icky.
I also set up my MacBook (which still doesn’t have iMovie cause someone fuckin deleted it) on my desk and it’s slowwwwww. Slow as shit. I don’t understand why it’s so slow! Do I need to factory restore? Ugh. But it’s annoyingly slow.
I got my first Amazon Sweets Surprise box and I wasn’t too impressed. There was one item with one of my favorite caramel brands so yay for that but everything else didn’t seem too appealing and for $18 I didn’t really think it was worth the value. I *MIGHT* get another one but if that one sucks too then I’ll call it quits. I had higher hopes since it’s from Amazon. But 4 products? Nah, I can get more than that for $18 at World Market or Target.
I sold some books at Half Priced Books and met a really cool guy (who was buying the books) who was a previous published author and he gave me some pretty helpful advice when I asked how does he get around a road blog. He also gave me a resource in my area to check out if I ever start writing again. I’ll be attempting NaNoWriMo this year (again) and my goal is to hit over 15k words, AT LEAST.
He told me not to focus on the ending and just “what’s in front of me”. To work scene by scene and just keep building. To use unsaid actions. And to tell my story. I get so caught up in the ending and WHERE I want the book to go and that’s NOT how it works; every time you sit down to write your characters choose what choices they want to make. You just describe it for them so while you MIGHT have an ending in mind when you get half way through the book that might not be the ending you end up with and that’s fine. That’s the beauty and the fun of writing, you don’t know where the hell this journey is going to take you!
After I went to go sell some books (and got $2.30 for them — granted they were older books published in 2010 and nothing that was buzz worthy) we went on a Filipino food adventure!
The first place we were going to go to wasn’t open yet so we went to place number 2 which was a Filipino food buffet spot. I was on the hunt for Filipino BBQ and this place said they had some but there wasn’t any there. I still get to finally eat some Diniguian, Lumpa, Pancit and some Filipino sweets! Bubba went and grabbed his own plate and picked and choose a few things and he ended up liking everything which made me happy. He’s such a good sport when it comes to trying food I want him to try and he’s pretty open minded — as long as it’s not Lychee or raw fish.
After we headed back to the first place to get ice cream and they were open \o/ so I went and got my BBQ plate to go and I got a Halo Halo with Coconut ice cream. Bubba got a Fried Banana Split with Coconut, Mango and Ube ice cream. That Coconut is the Coconut ice cream of my childhood. It’s so sweet and creamy! Bubba liked it so much he went back and got a 3 scoop cone before we left with Coconut and Strawberry. Silly butt. I admit though, I did steal some bites.
We stopped by a Walgreens since we’re building one of our friends a beauty box and I was on the hunt for something you typically can only find at Walgreens but there wasn’t any there and they didn’t have much of their Halloween stuff out either just yet. But I did find these cute Panda eye masks! After my last experience with face masks though, I think I’ll pass. They also had this cute fox I sort of want to get and a new Glade plug in scent I haven’t seen around yet! But I was broke so I wasn’t able to get either, hopefully I remember next time I go!
We also stopped by the Dollar Tree and I grabbed a few more Fall decor (which is why I was broke by the time we go to Walgreens) and some bags of candy to put in my Fall candy basket I set out on the counter every year which didn’t break the bank really. $1 for a whole bag of candy? I mean it’s smaller than the ones you get at Target but is that really a bad thing? I think not!
On Friday we went out to Kohls but first we got food at QT.
Bubba always makes it a point if he see’s me or if he’s staying over when it’s morning to get me or make me breakfast. Even if he picks me up after work and he’s off before 11am he gets me breakfast on the way to me. It’s really sweet and really cute. Before we headed to go sell books on Thursday morning he had breakfast waiting for me by the time I was done getting dressed. A girl could get use to this!
But on Friday we couldn’t decide on what to get for breakfast so we got QT and though it’s no Wawa, their hot dogs are SO good. I personally like them better than 7-11. But gas station hot dogs have always kinda been one of my fav things to stop and get since I was in high school. He also grabbed me a Sprite Tropical mix because for some reason they’re super hard to find now. Ugh.
We headed to Kohls and I found some stuff I really liked; a cute necklace, a sweatshirt and a hoodie that says “California” on it. He got me 2 soft shirts and he got me some of my candles. He was trying to buy me Nikes but I told him no! I wanted him to get his game. So we didn’t get the Nikes. I got one more candle from the Sonoma Fall line and two wax melts and a Lavender wax melt since it seems their “Zen” collection is gone now. I really wanna go back for that necklace and hoodie! Oh and the EOS Fall flavored balms!
We stopped by Target so I could get Tampons and girly stuff before my next period and I also got some Sour Apple gummies and I found the M&M’s Cookies & Scream! But I haven’t found — well I haven’t looked for the other stuff yet so… yeah. Maybe sometime this week or next I’ll remember to lol.
For lunch Bubba wanted Mexican Food so he took me to a place called Rosa’s Cafe and OMG everything looked so damn good! I got a taco bowl cause that’s what I like with shredded chicken and a side of rice. I don’t remember what he got but OMG OMGGG that bowl was delicious. OMG. Like, I can’t put into words how good it was! I’m obsessed! Then he got these like baked tortilla’s that they dusted with cinnamon sugar and he told me to pour honey on it. SO GOOD. SO. DAMN. GOOD.
Probably my new fav Mexican spot. No joke. I wanna go back. Bubba, can we go back? OMG.
So yesterday morning I woke up at like 5am to go pee and what do I see on the floor of my bathroom SPINNING ON ITS BACK? A fuckin cockroach. UHM EXCUSE ME. YOU WERENT INVITED.
Here’s the thing; I freeze up and get paranoid and lose sleep when I see a roach in my apartment. It didn’t use to be like this, it wasn’t until my last apartment where I kept seeing roaches. Granted my window was broken but my house typically stays dry and the food is property put away and I DONT LEAVE DISHES IN MY FUCKIN SINK. I had a roommate last apartment and her room first of all would be a roaches heaven. Not to mention her and her damn bf would trash the kitchen every fuckin week and leave dishes PILED UP IN THE SINK. It drove me fuckin nuts. Then I get roaches in my room. UH WHAT. HOW. So since I kept getting roaches in my room I don’t know, I suddenly developed a phobia.
However I remember “hallucinating” I saw one a few weeks ago and Bubba came over to bug check and there was nothing there. Granted it still might had been a hallucination, but I guess I’ll never really know. This apartment I’m in now is brand new. I try my best to keep it tidy as much as I can. I do have a bit of clutter in some places since I haven’t fully unpacked some of my boxes or found homes for everything but my bathroom is tidy af and so is my room. I plug up the drains in my bathroom sink and shower at all times, the only drain open is the kitchen one which I need to start plugging up too. I throw out food only when I know I’ll be taking the trash out and I vacuum literally every single day. I also make sure to throw away empty boxes. So when I see a roach it really frustrates me and makes me sad. I know even the cleanest houses have bugs and there’s no way around that but still, if I know I’m preventing them at least I know I’m not inviting them.
And it’s crazy because out of 5 years and 6 apartments in Florida I’ve only had problems with roaches in 2 apartments. That means 4 of them had NO ROACHES AT ALL. And 1 of those apartments was a Disney College Program apartment so really that couldn’t be helped. But of my own apartments only ONE apartment had roaches and that was my last one. So it doesn’t make sense to me, you know?
I need to invest in another bookshelf or another cubbies shelf or something to organize more stuff and one for inside my closet. I originally had another idea of storage in my closet but I think I’m going to go with this cubbie shelf idea instead, it’ll give me more space to have storage cubbies and also the option to have open spaces for other stuff too. I still don’t have a dresser dresser but I’ll work on that later. Or a nightstand. Bubba was looking for a new bed frame for me since he’s not a fan on the one I have now. Especially since it kinda collapsed on us. Eep.
We had an “anxiety talk” kind of. My anxiety has been up and down lately and I wish I blogged more so I could talk about it more but I just never feel up for it or I just don’t know what to say. I know it’s a common struggle and I know people could use support so maybe I’ll try and find topics or things to talk about when it comes to anxiety and OCD. But for him since he doesn’t know ANYTHING about anxiety it’s not that he was making me feel bad; I know how HE feels when I have this bubble around me. I’ve had enough guys break up with me because they couldn’t handle it (and one divorced me because of it so yeah, I have a good idea if how MY anxiety makes OTHERS feel, no need to remind me, thanks) and I wish I could explain to him how hard it is to fight back against it sometimes or how it’s an active choice you have to make and some days you don’t feel strong enough to make those choices. Anxiety is NOT fun and it’s not something that people enjoy, but I think sometimes people forget we’re fighting a war in our heads on a minute by minute basis every single damn day of our lives.
Please, be patient with us because believe me when I say some days I just want to kill myself because I feel like I’ll never get better. And that thought takes a lot of strength in it’s own to get rid of and to keep away. But believe me, anxiety can very possibly be enough to get you to just call it quits forever.
I know I set a goal to challenge myself this month and Bubba does try his hardest to understand and to make me comfortable enough to do the things I want to do despite OCD hindering me and I just hate feeling like I let him down when I build that bubble some days. And I don’t even know how to put this emotion into words and I don’t know how to not cry when I think about it or try to talk about it. I appreciate the effort he puts into something he doesn’t understand because he knows it hurts me. I’m so thankful that on the days I do pull back, I don’t eat so he always drops food off for me on his way home from work to make sure I eat. And it makes my heart hurt because no one has ever supported me or helped me as much as he has when it comes to my anxiety and I’m so afraid he’ll leave too. Even though he’s constantly reminding me he’s not it’s still a fear.
My anxiety constantly tells me I’m not enough. I’m not good enough. I’m not normal enough. I’m not pretty enough. I’m not quirky enough. It convinces me I’m better of alone because that way I can’t alter someone else’s life. I can’t hinder or hold someone back. I can’t mess up someone else’s life. And I try to challenge myself to shut my anxiety up, to show myself I’m capable of anything I want. I travel. I move from state to state. I follow my dreams and not listen to anyone who tries to bring me down. And despite my achievements, despite the goals I’ve hit, despite the fact people love ME and they think I’m funny and quirky and interesting… is not enough to make my anxiety stop telling me I’m not enough.
WHY DO I KEEP THINKING IM NOT ENOUGH WHEN CLEARLY I AM CAPABLE OF *BEING* ENOUGH.
I wish anxiety was a puzzle and once you solved it you were free. And who knows, maybe it is.
I just haven’t solved it yet.