Recap, Reflecting

Weekly Recap; April 15th – April 21st

I know I’m posting this on a day that isn’t Sunday but Bubba has been here this weekend and so I didn’t have time to post lol. I don’t know why, but sometimes I feel weird spending all day blogging if he’s here (even if he’s spending the week here). Which kinda sucks.

My OCD has also been so high lately that I feel like I’m constantly failing in terms of getting photos shot and blog posts up that I really want to get up. I hate how I can’t figure out a trigger or that I sometimes can’t figure out how to push passed my OCD and get things done. As if I can’t just clean everything up when I’m done or change my clothes or whatever.

I’ve been heavily debating on getting back on meds, but I don’t know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately but it’s definitely frustrating as fuck.

Thanks to “On This Day” on FB I can play the what was I doing a year ago today game much easier (which is literally a game I play with myself since I started blogging). Had a flashback to the days I was on the Siren server on FFXIV and in the <SKY> Free Company. This was before I knew anyone and before I knew anything about the game. I was on my crafting class but wearing level 1 gear cause it was cute and I didn’t know glamouring was even a thing back then.

This particular day Fae had gifted me with the Mandagora Princess minion I wanted and with another minion she had Vericia make. I didn’t even know you could MAKE minions back then. But it was also the day my bf at the time (the naked dragon in the top right photo) shamed me for ‘wearing too many clothes’ on my character. Sorry, some of us don’t want to appear as slutty avatars even in a game.

Back then I created Axelyn to be an extension of me I wish I was — I made her pink and girly and bubbly and pretended I was her. In real life I was stuck in a city I hated. Living with a boy I pretty much hated who wouldn’t get the fuck out of my apartment despite he wasn’t paying rent who pretty much would shit talk me in front of the whole Free Company to the point where THEY would tell him to stop cause he was being super rude and he’d laugh it off like he was “teasing me” and I needed to “get over it”. I kept quiet mostly just because I don’t know, I just wanted to be left alone. And when Ari and I would talk about being Disney interns my bf at the time would shout “boooooooooring” in the Discord voice chat to shut us up. He was seriously the rudest mothafucker I’ve ever been around. It was seriously embarrassing.

So I did things on my own a lot. I leveled my crafters even though I didn’t have any fuckin idea what I was doing. I did my side quests cause Main Story was too hard since I was such a low level.

It’s crazy to see how far I’ve come. And how I didn’t know ANYTHING until I ran into Penny months later who taught me how to actually play the game.

Since I started drinking Smart Water I’m sad to say Icelandic is NOT my fav water anymore. I’m so sad about this since Icelandic has such a pretty bottle. But seriously, yuck compared to Smart Water. And yes, I’m one of those people who don’t drink water that frequently but are SUPER picky with WHAT KIND of water I DO drink — like I had Dasani, with a passion.

I got out of the shower the other night and spotted ANOTHER big spider just scurry across my fuckin bathroom floor. I didn’t have time to spray him before he ran towards the cabinet so I waited until he peaked out and sprayed him (while screaming). But got paranoid cause I didn’t see his body in the puddle of Raid. I mean I had a feeling I had GOT him but I didn’t know WHERE he went. I barely slept while watching the bathroom door that connects to my bedroom in case he decided to attack me in my sleep.

Bubba came over the next day after work to survey the damage and found him curled up behind the toilet. He grabbed him with toilet paper and smashed him up into pieces before flushing him saying “see, he’s dead.” Whew.

I wish I wasn’t bothered by bugs like other people are but they’ve always freaked me out since I was a kid. I just hate the feeling of bugs crawling on you, I don’t know how to explain it but it just irks by anxiety so much. And I have no idea how I’m even getting bugs in my apartment?! Like I’m at the end of a CLOSED hallway. I never open my windows. HOW. HOW ARE THEY GETTING IN? I use to think balcony’s were the cause of bugs but I don’t have one here and I’m getting more spiders than when I DID have a balcony. But all these bugs are starting to tug at my anxiety cause they’re all the same bugs I use to see when I lived in CA and I HATED bug season in CA. I never saw spiders when I lived in Florida (but then we had lizards everywhere that probably ate most of the bugs). It seriously makes me want to sob most day and not want to be in my room.

This is probably why my anxiety and OCD is madd acting up to be honest. Sigh.

Earth Day came and I wished I was at Animal Kingdom celebrating it at The Tree of Life.

Spring always makes me miss Disney and working there. Some days I get so sad for a moment thinking of how far away I am from Disney and how different my life is. Reality is hardly as magical as being near Disney though I try to find magic everywhere. I’ll be back soon, just not for good anymore.

We didn’t manage to find the Earth Day Wall-E Funko Pop either, apparently Boxed Lunch sold out of them before Earth Day even got here?! They said they’d be getting them back around the first week of June but still, woulda been nice to had had it on Earth Day, you know? I’m finding that getting Boxed Lunch exclusives is a pain. At least we agreed to not chase chasers, it’s hard when it comes to collecting Funko Pop’s cause flippers get to them before you do. No point it being upset about it so we just don’t chase them.

I got my LUSH haul for my birthday (LUSH “haul” as I only got 3 things). I was super excited about this Lavender Bubble Bar which IS exciting but a pain to break into pieces. It does turn my bath into a pretty purple color. Also this Rose Macaron Bubble Bar which turns my bath into a pretty pink and is so soft and easy to break! These things are going to last me forever!

And since Bubba has been staying the weekend/week I feel safe enough to actually take bubble baths again. Thank goodness for boyfriend’s who care!

I still have the other Bubble Bars from LUSH I got but since the spider came from that corner I’m iffy on reaching in the bag to grab them. I know, silly but my anxiety is throwing a fit saying it’s not at all silly. Right. Sure.

There’s this Cajun place that Bubba has been talking about taking me to called Boo-Ray’s of New Orleans and so we finally went the other day.

We started with the Crawfish & Shrimp Fondue (THAT BREAD WAS AMAZING) and I got the Stuffed Chicken with Green Beans, Red Beans & Rice and Sweet Potato Fries… I’ll probably write a proper review of it on PXAHXJ as I need to start writing more there as well!

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Bubba also stopped me by the Asian market cause I was out of Coconut BonBon candies (cause I’m addicted and I have no self control) so he went and bought me ALL of the bags they had and a bag of White Rabbit’s (I was suppose to trade one of the Coconut ones for White Rabbits then he looked and goes “you DID NOT even ATTEMPT to trade them” to which I giggled and ran away lol I don’t know how he deals with me sometimes). Which I may or may not be snacking on. Right now.

We also stopped by Kohls cause there was a button down shirt he wanted to get (which he hasn’t worn yet but to be fair we haven’t GONE anywhere this week really) and I stopped by the candle sections and saw these beauties! I ended up picking up the Lavender one and it’s been so good so far! I love Sonoma candles from Kohls just as much as I love the Soy Collection from Target (and both are better priced than Bath & Body Works). I wish these came in wax melts, all the scents for this line are so good.

My period got a hold of me and caused me a NON STOP HEADACHE for A WEEK AND A HALF before it came. I literally thought I was dying or something was seriously wrong. None of the headache medicines I was taking was working. IT WAS AWFUL and I still, 30 years fuckin later, don’t understand WHY it does shit like this! It’s so random what kind of pain I’ll get. The last 2 months I haven’t had ANY cramps, just massive headaches. And I can’t decide which is better.

My eczema has also been a pain; another thing I didn’t deal with in Florida because of the never ending humidity was my eczema never acted up like this. To be fair my skin didn’t crack at all during the winter here in Texas so that’s good. Back in California the winter’s are SO DAMN DRY that my skin would crack in several places and would just be bleeding all the time. It was so painful. I seriously hated living in CA and I would seriously never fuckin move back there. For various reasons.

Lucky for me Bubba is always down for “cuddle/nap time” whenever I need it. Without question. I love this man.

There was drama circling around the FFXIV Instagram community — this time having to do with a good friend of mine but to be honest they both had that drama coming. The FFXIV Instagram community is reckless and cruel and if they feel like you were being a fuckboi or a fuckgirl they will not hesitate to not only call you out but DRAG YOU. It’s insane. But I’m part of the group of people who watch all of it from the shadows and pull out the popcorn.

While people know who I am considering I’ve been active in the community for 2 years and have never deleted my account or any of my photos; I don’t do people dirty. I don’t start drama. I don’t add flame to any fire. I just watch. Post my screenshots and mind my business. Not to mention I’ve been married to Bubba in game for the last 2 years so there’s really nothing anyone can say since I’ve been married and faithful both in game and in real life for such a long time.

Some of these people act like that’s such a hard thing to do.

Beyond that I’ve been weepy and reminiscing on the beginning of our relationship. We’re nearing our 2 year anniversary and I just can’t believe it’s been that long! Time really does fly and it blows my mind the above photo was taken TWO YEARS AGO. It was one of the first photos I ever took of them alone together.

And it was pretty much the meeting that started everything.

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Bubba has had a craving for burgers all week so we went to Five Guys. And remembered why we don’t go — cause that shit is expensive! He was saying he woulda rather took the drive to BurgerFi in Arlington lol. Maybe next time we have a burger craving (cause I’m a sucker for all things BurgerFi).

Though we are starting an adventure to try a number of burger places in Fort Worth to determine our fav then moving on to surrounding cities. I started with burgers cause it’s easy to find. I don’t know what I’ll do after burgers…. maybe some sort of ice cream.

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I’m a sucker for sleeping aids. They’ve been my night time thing since 2006. I’ve been having trouble sleeping since my anxiety has shown up and I never made the connection until recently. I keep meaning to go get that checked but I’m not sure who or what to ask. Through the years I’ve tried a number of sleeping aids and at some points of my life I’m sad to say I’ve even tried over dosing on them which is probably what messed up my tolerance now.

Lately none of the sleeping aids I’ve used is working. Nothing is working. And if they don’t work it’s hard for me to go to sleep. It’s a never ending struggle that I really should get checked some time soon.

I found these though at Walgreens. Zzzquil has never worked for me which is strange cause NyQuil on and off does! But I thought this was SUPER interesting since I’m in love with Lavender. I don’t know how I feel about the “flavor” but I’m curious to see what the Lavender and Chamomile will do (about the only things I’m not allergic to as I’m massively allergic to Valerian Root).

We made a stop to B&N this week just to look around.

I found this book; Ink, Iron, and Glass and thought the concept was interesting. I have a $25 B&N gift card that Bubba’s sister got me for Christmas that I’ve been holding on to but I wasn’t sure if I wanted this book. I did download a sampler to my Kindle to see if I did which I read last night and it was… strange. I mean you can’t REALLY gauge a book within the first 2 chapters but considering it was a steampunk fantasy type of novel there was A LOT to take in! I also grabbed the transparent Gollum B&N exclusive Pop! I don’t have ANY LOTR fandom items OR Pop’s but I wanted to grab this one just because.

I’m also baffled at how complete the Shatter Me series is. I read (AND LOVED) the first book when it was released in what 2011? And I didn’t finish the series. I need to. Like soon. But I say that about a lot of books/series. I can’t believe how far behind I am!

I opted for a Raspberry Caramel Macchiato which tastes like Raspberry Milk Maid candy. Except this time it didn’t turn pink on top 😦 I don’t know how the other baristas did it but they didn’t do it at the Starbucks B&N cafe. Whomp! So good but as someone who can’t digest milk anymore (gotta love getting older *SOBS*) it gets a bit painful later.

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We also finally spotted the Baby Pegasus! Finally! At Movie Trading Co of all places. But I decided against getting him. I’m collecting mostly villains when it comes to Disney Pop’s besides my fav characters like Pan or Scrump. I don’t have any other Herc ones and Bubba got the Herclues + Pegasus one already so I figured eh, we have one already no need for another.

Plus I’m moving soon so I want to cut down on buying things.

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I’ve been non stop playing The Greatest Showman soundtrack all week. I can’t help it! I even bought the movie on digital! Now I just need it in physical. Bubba also got the soundtrack CD (yes, CD) for his car. Cause I keep playing these damn songs lol. I love seeing Zac Efron in a top hat and dapper clothes! Actually I just really like top hats and dapper clothes. In general.

For example.

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Our glamours from 2 years ago but still one of my favorite photos!

Yeah, we like top hats.

I’ve also been jammin to old school R&B at night to try and relax.

Anxiety is such a bitch and so is OCD and sometimes I feel like I’m trapped in this glass room where everything I want is blocked off from me. It takes me FOREVER to break through or push passed it and even when I do it’s not to the BEST of my ability.

You’d think after struggling with anxiety for 14 years I’d have SOME kind of idea or plan or something to combat this SOMEHOW but I don’t. The fear bounces back and forth and despite the fact that I try to eliminate comfort zones (to an extent) or that I move so frequently or that I hop states or chase dreams or do these BIGGER things… I still don’t know what the fuck I’m doing half the time and it makes me feel so… hopeless.

It’s so bizarre and so hard to explain.

And I use to think anxiety and mental illness was just some big mind game. A puzzle I just HAD to solve and once I did I would be “cured”. I think the hardest part is that your emotions are capable of being unpredictable even to yourself and bouncing back from it can be SO hard. I wish I had written every day about what my experience with taking meds was like since the memories are fuzzy and faded. Clumped up with other things I’ve purged from my memory taking the experience with it. So things feel incomplete when I think back.

For the record Bubba has NEVER asked me to “get over it” or to “be normal”. He’s never made me feel less of a person just because I have anxiety or just because my mind is a totally different being on its own. He’s never made me feel bad for the things I ask of him that may or may not make sense. He thinks of ways to help me ease some of rituals or anxieties. He never gets mad if I ask the same question 17 times. In the same hour. And it’s been a year of him watching and seeing what it turns me into and he still loves me just the same. He still will spend a week here just to make sure I’m at ease enough to sleep at night.

It’s just me. Me afraid that someday he’ll look at me different. Or some day he’ll get tired of it all and snap at me. Afraid he’ll realize my crazy isn’t worth putting up with and I’m beating MYSELF up for not being normal enough for him when HE has NEVER asked me to be.

And that’s just another anxiety on it’s own.

It’s just layers of anxiety.

And I need to declutter it all. I need to stop worrying about things that aren’t here yet. Or will never be here. I need to strip it all down and worry just about the things that are impacting me right now. The things that matter NOW. And not the things that “will” matter because it’s not promised it ever will matter.

I seriously need to go back to meditating.

Seriously meditating.

Because I can’t right now.

And no one can fix this but me.

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