If Only…

Pregnancy isn’t fun.

I’m not having fun.

But I’m very thankful the first trimester is over. I am very thankful the morning sickness has let up. I’m very thankful that there isn’t much ligament pain or stretching of the skin pain or very much cramping these days.

However; the headaches are still in full force. The discomfort is still (and I assume will always) is still there. Feeling like a turtle on its back every time I have to get out of bed is still a thing. Oh and having to pee 3-5 times a night is now a thing. And one new thing that happened this week was that I have so weird break out happening on the left side of my forehead, cheek, eyebrow and nose. I feel like they’re mosquito bites but at this point with side effects and hormones and such who the hell even knows anymore.

I am just thankful I can eat (almost) anything I want without throwing up my entire soul.

The fuckery of the last weekly update still tends to bob and weave around me though pregnancy has this sort of magic to it that I love and hate — it can take things like depression and anxiety and self hatred and water it down. Not to non existence but enough that it doesn’t really touch me. Or the things that cause those feelings are an ocean away it feels like. The depression of that week doesn’t hit me nearly as hard as it use to. I’m thankful for it but also a little worried for not letting myself feel. Though sometimes I’m not sure I really want to feel those emotions longer than I need to.

I’m struggling with body change mostly now in this trimester. With my growing belly. The reality of pregnancy hasn’t really set in, if I’m being honest. We’re still worried about the baby despite the fact we’re out of the first trimester. We’re still not sure if it’ll survive. Anything can happen at any given time and though Bubba never talks about the miscarriage he’s been showing a lot of worry about every ache and pain I’m feeling since the beginning.

I hope whatever this break out is on my face goes away soon since I’m planning a Fall/baby bump photo shoot this month and I can’t seem to find my Harry Potter beanie which would be perfect for the outfit I have planned. And foundation won’t cover this fuckery either. I tried that on Saturday.

I did run into some petty ass bullshit with Bubba’s younger adopted sister. It’s crazy when people fake that they’re happy for you and when you start to see their real intentions and shade start to slip out. His whole family see’s our exchanges on Facebook before I deleted her off my friends list and they all tell me to block her and assure me it won’t start any drama if I decided to lmao! I didn’t block her but I did delete her. She can say/assume what she wants about me and my relationship but the truth is I’ve only ran into her maybe 3 times since I’ve moved here and never once had a face to face conversation with her prior to her deciding to randomly add me on Facebook. She might be his adopted sister but just like most of the other adopted kids — I don’t know her. Nor is she ever around to begin with. Out of the 10 I only know 3. And out of his WHOLE family only 4 are invited to our gender reveal; the 4 that actually care and check up on me.

Though she’s not the only one who’s expressed their disappointment in me getting pregnant. The people in my life are still stuck in the old traditional ways of being disappointed I’m not married. Despite already being married once before and seeing how THAT fuckery worked out. Or despite SEEING how much Bubba ALREADY takes care of me and Sophie but sure, I guess a sheet of fuckin paper and a ring would make this situation different or somehow better? Bless Bubba’s pure heart for wanting to make the narrow minded people in my life happy by doing just that before the baby is born. Despite me assuring him they can suck me.

I know I’ve dealt with the fakeness of people time and time again in multiple situations where you’re SUPPOSE to be fuckin happy for someone and they’re just not. But it still doesn’t fail to SURPRISE me that some people are truly that bitter! What a reflection of yourselves guys, good going lmao. I’ll be sitting here pretty and happy with my happy news and you can continue to sit there mad about the fact your own lives aren’t where you want them to be and throwing off your vibes and energy towards the universe to fix it. HAVE FUN WITH ALLA THAT.

Lack of weekly recaps because Bubba bought me a new desktop and my iPhone charger for the computer was accidentally damaged so I can’t transfer photos at the moment the way I want to. I did order a new one that should be here in a few days though. I’ve been trying to do Blogtober on 3 different blogs and it’s proving to be harder than I expected so I don’t think I’ll be doing it here.

We’ll see.


2 thoughts on “If Only…”

  1. I totally feel you on the relief of the first trimester being over. To me, as well, it was absolutely horrible. Break-outs on my face? Yup! Funny enough, mine happens to be on the right side of my face.

    Sorry to hear about the miscarriage you had before. It’s my first time being pregnant, so I never had to go through that and hopefully won’t either but I can still relate to not being at ease and worrying about the baby. Circumstances had me tied up in knots not knowing if the little kid was healthy or not up until a week ago (and I’m currently 22 weeks along) so I’ve only now started to enjoy being pregnant. That is, if you forget the back aches, mood swings and weird cravings or even lack of hunger, hah.

    I hope, for both you and your partner’s sake, you’ll be able to enjoy your pregnancy soon as well! And for the break-outs to be gone by the time you’re doing that shoot. Fingers crossed for that!

    Best of luck to all of you.

    1. Thank you!!

      It’s so crazy to wake up and see yet ANOTHER body change or something ELSE triggered by hormones! The whole thing is so tiring lol!

      I just hit 17 weeks yesterday and I’m def confused about the lack of hunger??? Right when the morning sickness ended I felt like I could eat everything in the apartment! And now I’m like ehhh, I’m full lol! It’s so weird! But I’m also trying not to stuff myself as it makes the bump feel super tight and uncomfy.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s