Hello

Hello April!

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I love Tulips.

I’d love if I could afford them right now too, but since I can’t. Picture taking will have to do.

It’s five days into the new month. Five D A Y S and bills are already fucking me. Ya’ll I’m so tired of paying bills. Like it’s not even funny how tired I am! I guess that falls back to me and past me and all the dumb shit past me was doing but then again I’m extra mad at past me for not telling those other dudes who were using me to get they own shit!

It’s my birth month and I’m never excited about my birthday. I mean I was pretty excited last year since Bubba was spending the week with me at Disney World but generally speaking, I’m never really excited.

I can’t do my usual traditions cause I’m not in Florida anymore. Also Bubba started a new job (which I’m really happy about) but he’s working on my birthday. I’m trying to be somewhat not a poopy pants about it but let’s be real, after I turned 25 without a BA in sight I was just like LORT ANOTHER YEAR OLDER. ANOTHER YEAR FAILED.

And that’s definitely NOT the way you should be viewing life.

Granted there’s nothing exciting about turning 33, still trying to rebuild your shit and yourself and thinking godammit I should get off FB with all these people and their careers and vacations. Which is why I’m never really on FB anymore. I post what I need to post, stalk who I need to stalk and get off!

This blog post wasn’t suppose to be about me, it was suppose to be about my goals for April.

⇢ Get your shit together (at least a little bit)
⇢ Read 3 books (and not on the last day of the month)
⇢ Blog more // I know shit can be hard but girl it’s your release SO QUIT IT
⇢ EXPLORE more, spend LESS
⇢ Apartment hunting
⇢ Tidy room & closet / purge shit you really don’t need
⇢ Sort digital stuff / back up laptop (since it’s been like years since you did)
⇢ Find something that calms you
⇢ Practice better time management
⇢ Catch up on reviews that need to be written
⇢ Celebrate your birthday… the best you can

I know Bubba puts a lot of effort into everything. And I know it might be killing him that he can’t go all out on the day of my birthday this year and that the only thing I asked for was food adventures but I guess when you get older the experiences matter more than getting things. And normally I go on vacation for my birthday — which I was excited moving closer to the West Coast cause I really wanted to celebrate my birthday in Vegas & Disneyland like I use to when I lived in CA 7 years ago but that didn’t work out.

So this year I hope I find a new birthday tradition and I hope I find some enlightenment or motivation to get up and do something MORE. I mean I always want to do more but it’s actually doing it lately that’s the problem (which was never a problem before, so I’m confused as to why it is now).

So here’s to April; my personal restart button.

Also, I created a new blog for my anxiety and nerdy talk over at PLACES & PEONIES.

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Hello, Reflecting

Easter 2016

I literally don’t know why I’m getting anxiety just thinking about writing this blog post. I feel like my blood has run cold and all my nerves are on alert.

I guess just thinking of this day still makes me cringe.

Traditions are very important to me. And I created traditions for myself to enjoy the things I like in life, to have things to look forward to. Because when your life is lonely and your mind can be your greatest enemy the best way to combat that is to have something to look forward to. To have bits of this life that excite you.

Two years ago I lived in Lake Mary, Florida. I moved away from Orlando and it was the biggest and dumbest move I ever made. I was told by the guy I was dating at the time that I wouldn’t be that far from Orlando or Disney and we would be able to go any time.

That was a lie.

I had to fight with him for a week to get to Disney and even when we finally DID go, he would be miserable the whole time and want to leave as soon as we got there. We were an hour away, maybe less. But hell he’d get upset if I said I wanted to go to Krispy Kreme which was ten minutes away. He was the type to expect you to go/do everything HE wanted to do without question yet when I wanted to do the things I’ve ALWAYS done he’d throw a fit and trap me in the house. This was a big thing of his btw, trapping me. I didn’t really notice it until I moved to Lake Mary.

Two year ago today was Easter.

I normally spent Easter at Disney and I had brought up this months before to which he said was fine, we could spend Easter there since he had no real plans. But the day before was saying all of a sudden we couldn’t go and I HAD to go with him to his grandparents house. His grandparents house were we spent EVERY OTHER FUCKIN DAY doing NOTHING but staring at the wall, literally. Not to mention my cousin who I hadn’t seen in year since I moved away from California was going to be in Tampa and he had ZERO interest in seeing her or meeting her — in fact he had zero interest in meeting ANY of my family members including my parents.

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The morning of, he did what he always did.

He firmly stated we WEREN’T going to Disney. Demanded I get dressed and get ready to go with him to his grandparent’s house.

I refused.

I was tired of him gas lighting me. I was tired of him promising to do something then last minute going back on his word then picking a fight with me to shut me up when I’d call him out on it. I was tired of his shit.

So I said no. I wasn’t going. I wasn’t leaving the house if we weren’t going to Disney. That I’m sick of him lying to me.

He walked over to the computer desk where I was sitting.

He picked me up by my throat.

Then he SLAMMED me on the couch wrapping his hands around my throat and screaming at me asking if “I was done acting like a child.” I tried kicking him in his gut, in his face, anywhere to get him off of me. I was screaming for him to get off of me. To let me go. He kept screaming “No. Not until you stop acting like a child.” That was his reason for everything when shit like this happened was the one acting like a child.

He finally let go.

Then he did what he always did afterwards, he sat CALMLY like a fuckin psycho telling me that if I kept acting like this we wouldn’t last for much longer. To which I replied, “put your hands on me again and I promise we won’t.” he laughed. He fuckin laughed. Then patted my shoulder and told me to have a nice day before leaving the house.

I wanted to burn the apartment to the ground.

I stayed in my room with the door locked hiding in my closet and cried for hours. I stayed quiet. I listened for when he’d come back. I made sure I was in bed and ‘asleep’ by the time he came back. I hated being scared. I hated myself. I hated Easter. He ruined my favorite holiday without so much as a fuckin care. I was heartbroken.

Then he had the nerve to come home and hug me like he didn’t just put his hands on me. Claiming he didn’t slam me that hard and to quit acting like a baby. As if slamming your girlfriend anywhere for any reason was fuckin normal. Then went on to claim that I needed his money when he blew all his money on comic book and Hot Wheels.

He didn’t pay rent. He didn’t pay bills. He didn’t pay electric or internet. He didn’t even pay for his own gas or food. He literally didn’t pay for shit. I laughed when he said I needed his money. I never needed his money or him. But in his delusional mind he really thought he was doing some shit for the ‘household’ when he didn’t do shit. He didn’t even pay for the Netflix or Hulu he was fuckin using. And when I would remind him of rent he would again fight with me and the cycle started all over again.

This day however was the first time he picked me up and slammed me. Through out our relationship he would do it again. And again.

And no matter how hard I tired to kick him out. Or break up with him he just wouldn’t get the fuckin hint. He would ignore me. If I could had afforded to change the locks on the apartment and leave all his shit outside I would had. But I had nowhere to go, nowhere to hide and no one to turn to. I was stranded in a city an hour away from anyone I knew. And it was definitely scary.

I refused to let this day take away my love for Easter. But every time it comes up, it just hurts to think someone out there thought this was okay.

~*~

I’m thankful I’m out of that relationship. I’m thankful I’m away from all that toxic energy and I’m somewhere far away from there and safe. And around someone who goes above and beyond these days to make sure every holiday is one I’ll love.

Hello

Happy Spring!

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There are few things in life that instantly put me in a good mood — Spring season is one of them.

Despite I spend 70% of my day every day sneezing my soul out. And even though my allergies are awful in the Spring (though to be fair they’re just as bad in Fall which is also my favorite season).

But also my birthday is in the Spring!

I love how you get super excited for your birthdays until you hit like 25 then it’s like shit, I’m hella close to 30. I’m turning 33 this year which means I’m inching closer and closer to 40 and I’m not sure how I fuckin feel about that.

There’s so much I want to DO and SEE and EXPERIENCE. There’s so much I’m not ready for. There’s so much I want to be ready for but I don’t know how. And as always, I feel like I’m running out of time. Then again I’ve felt like that since I was 13.

However this is my first real Spring in Texas and my first birthday here. Every time I live somewhere I come up with a new tradition, on accident. I’m a little worried since I don’t know what to do for my bday since I don’t know much about Texas but I’m also really curious to see what I’ll stumble on.

Though I have thought of creating a tradition with this super cute bakery in Dallas called Sweet Daze. But we’ll see.

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Today is also this sweet girl’s THIRD ADOPTAVERSARY!

Today 3 years ago I got to finally take Sophie home! In the last 3 years we’ve moved FIVE times to FOUR different cities and to TWO states. She’s been my cuddle buddy, my nap buddy, my alarm clock, my time-to-go-to-bed clock, my guard cat and my best friend.

She’s licked my tears while I’ve cried. She’s swatted my arm to get extra loves and she’s woken me up with kisses. She is the sweetest soul I’ve ever encountered and the most laid back cat. She doesn’t get mad. She doesn’t get attitudes. Sometimes she talks back and sometimes she just talks. But she’s never bit anyone out of anger or annoyance. She’s patient with everything except loves. And she loves attention. She also loves cheese. And sea salt kettle chips. And coconut ice cream.

Everyone advised I didn’t adopt her when I found her because she was 10 and only weighed 5 pounds but I’m glad I didn’t listen and held on to her until I could take her home. I don’t regret any of it one bit.

Happy 3 years baby girl, I hope you’ll stick around for another 3. And maybe 3 more after that?

What are some of your favorite things about Spring?

Hello

It’s Starting to Look Like Spring \o/

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Spring is one of my favorite times of the year — besides Fall.

I’m such a sucker for all the pretty shades of pink and all the pastel’s and greens. And oh! Easter! Easter candy, Easter decor, Easter vibes… my birthday sometime’s falls on Easter and I use to hate it cause everything is closed that day so I didn’t really get to go celebrate but it hasn’t landed on Easter in a really long while (though I do worry every year lol) so it’s all good lol!

There are two times a year I look forward to Williams Sonoma seasonal candy and that’s for Easter when they come out with these delicious sour bunnies I’ve grabbed every year since 2011 (pink is grapefruit, green is key lime and yellow is lemon — tbh I only like the green ones) and Halloween when they release the sour pumpkins (which I think overall are orange flavored).

Continue reading “It’s Starting to Look Like Spring \o/”

Hello, Recap

Weekly Recap; March 4th – March 10th

Welp, I got most of the cleaning done this week that I was aiming for. There’s still some stuff left to do but the desk, kitchen and my bookshelves are done. Granted I want to move around some more stuff around my desk but I just don’t know what or to where. So for now, it’s done.

Buuuut I gotta wait until next week to get my desktop. So, whomp.

Continue reading “Weekly Recap; March 4th – March 10th”

Hello, Recap

Weekly Recap; Feb 25th – March 3rd

Well, February is officially over.

And that’s just crazy.

This week was spent mostly over at READARELLA and laying in a puddle full of feels because I finished A Court of Mist and Fury by Sarah J Maas which is the second book in the A Court of Thorns and Roses series, a loosely based Beauty and the Beast retelling but with Faeries and courts (I love Faerie books because I love hearing about the different courts) and RHYSAND. Oh, my soul is still aching about everything that happened!

Anyway, on to what happened this week!

Continue reading “Weekly Recap; Feb 25th – March 3rd”