Hello, Reflecting

Easter 2016

I literally don’t know why I’m getting anxiety just thinking about writing this blog post. I feel like my blood has run cold and all my nerves are on alert.

I guess just thinking of this day still makes me cringe.

Traditions are very important to me. And I created traditions for myself to enjoy the things I like in life, to have things to look forward to. Because when your life is lonely and your mind can be your greatest enemy the best way to combat that is to have something to look forward to. To have bits of this life that excite you.

Two years ago I lived in Lake Mary, Florida. I moved away from Orlando and it was the biggest and dumbest move I ever made. I was told by the guy I was dating at the time that I wouldn’t be that far from Orlando or Disney and we would be able to go any time.

That was a lie.

I had to fight with him for a week to get to Disney and even when we finally DID go, he would be miserable the whole time and want to leave as soon as we got there. We were an hour away, maybe less. But hell he’d get upset if I said I wanted to go to Krispy Kreme which was ten minutes away. He was the type to expect you to go/do everything HE wanted to do without question yet when I wanted to do the things I’ve ALWAYS done he’d throw a fit and trap me in the house. This was a big thing of his btw, trapping me. I didn’t really notice it until I moved to Lake Mary.

Two year ago today was Easter.

I normally spent Easter at Disney and I had brought up this months before to which he said was fine, we could spend Easter there since he had no real plans. But the day before was saying all of a sudden we couldn’t go and I HAD to go with him to his grandparents house. His grandparents house were we spent EVERY OTHER FUCKIN DAY doing NOTHING but staring at the wall, literally. Not to mention my cousin who I hadn’t seen in year since I moved away from California was going to be in Tampa and he had ZERO interest in seeing her or meeting her — in fact he had zero interest in meeting ANY of my family members including my parents.

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The morning of, he did what he always did.

He firmly stated we WEREN’T going to Disney. Demanded I get dressed and get ready to go with him to his grandparent’s house.

I refused.

I was tired of him gas lighting me. I was tired of him promising to do something then last minute going back on his word then picking a fight with me to shut me up when I’d call him out on it. I was tired of his shit.

So I said no. I wasn’t going. I wasn’t leaving the house if we weren’t going to Disney. That I’m sick of him lying to me.

He walked over to the computer desk where I was sitting.

He picked me up by my throat.

Then he SLAMMED me on the couch wrapping his hands around my throat and screaming at me asking if “I was done acting like a child.” I tried kicking him in his gut, in his face, anywhere to get him off of me. I was screaming for him to get off of me. To let me go. He kept screaming “No. Not until you stop acting like a child.” That was his reason for everything when shit like this happened was the one acting like a child.

He finally let go.

Then he did what he always did afterwards, he sat CALMLY like a fuckin psycho telling me that if I kept acting like this we wouldn’t last for much longer. To which I replied, “put your hands on me again and I promise we won’t.” he laughed. He fuckin laughed. Then patted my shoulder and told me to have a nice day before leaving the house.

I wanted to burn the apartment to the ground.

I stayed in my room with the door locked hiding in my closet and cried for hours. I stayed quiet. I listened for when he’d come back. I made sure I was in bed and ‘asleep’ by the time he came back. I hated being scared. I hated myself. I hated Easter. He ruined my favorite holiday without so much as a fuckin care. I was heartbroken.

Then he had the nerve to come home and hug me like he didn’t just put his hands on me. Claiming he didn’t slam me that hard and to quit acting like a baby. As if slamming your girlfriend anywhere for any reason was fuckin normal. Then went on to claim that I needed his money when he blew all his money on comic book and Hot Wheels.

He didn’t pay rent. He didn’t pay bills. He didn’t pay electric or internet. He didn’t even pay for his own gas or food. He literally didn’t pay for shit. I laughed when he said I needed his money. I never needed his money or him. But in his delusional mind he really thought he was doing some shit for the ‘household’ when he didn’t do shit. He didn’t even pay for the Netflix or Hulu he was fuckin using. And when I would remind him of rent he would again fight with me and the cycle started all over again.

This day however was the first time he picked me up and slammed me. Through out our relationship he would do it again. And again.

And no matter how hard I tired to kick him out. Or break up with him he just wouldn’t get the fuckin hint. He would ignore me. If I could had afforded to change the locks on the apartment and leave all his shit outside I would had. But I had nowhere to go, nowhere to hide and no one to turn to. I was stranded in a city an hour away from anyone I knew. And it was definitely scary.

I refused to let this day take away my love for Easter. But every time it comes up, it just hurts to think someone out there thought this was okay.

~*~

I’m thankful I’m out of that relationship. I’m thankful I’m away from all that toxic energy and I’m somewhere far away from there and safe. And around someone who goes above and beyond these days to make sure every holiday is one I’ll love.

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Reflecting

Sometime’s life gives us the hardest lessons…

 

Last Memorial Day weekend the morning sickness of my first pregnancy was kicking my ass and hard. But I had no idea at the time it was morning sickness or that I was pregnant. I wasn’t throwing up, I was just feeling… weird. Like not dizzy but not really well enough to sit up for a long period of time. I’m not really sure how to describe it.

It wasn’t until a week of it progressing, and quickly that I decided to take a pregnancy test. I was pretty sure there wasn’t any way I could BE pregnant but I just felt weird.

Normally, when you get pregnant by someone you’ve been dating for over a year and live with you’d probably assume hope you wouldn’t get the reaction I did.

So I went to take the pregnancy test. I was the first to see it since I was the one who went to check on it, it was boldy positive. And just a huge rush of emotions drowned me. I never wanted kids but I suddenly felt so very protective over it and I actually started crying. No joke, I was crying. I wasn’t sad. That was the surprising part and I wanted to tell my mom so badly. I was actually excited. Scared as fuck, but excited.

He went in after me to check the test.

He didn’t say anything.

He walked out, grabbed his phone and the first thing he said was “we need to find an abortion clinic.”

I don’t need to describe the emotions that came after that statement left his mouth.

He didn’t ask me how I felt. He didn’t ask me how I felt about it. He didn’t even acknowledge my reaction. He blankly walked out of the bathroom and grabbed his phone. That night while I was laying in bed he spammed me with links via text message of abortion clinics he found in our area.

Continue reading “Sometime’s life gives us the hardest lessons…”

Reflecting

Baby baby, I feel crazy…

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Abuse.

Relationships.

You never think it could happen to you. It could never be you. YOU would never be that stupid; especially if you managed to escape on abusive relationship.

But that’s the thing — you don’t realize you’re in an abusive relationship until that much later and until you feel so stuck you don’t know what to do or where to go.

The healing process is such a sticky stretch of time.

I can say this and that. I can act this way and that way. But sometimes in the middle of the day I’ll be afraid. Afraid to say something, afraid to do something, afraid to suggest something in my current relationship because of how past relationships played out. It’s not that I’m comparing my current relationship to my past ones, it’s just a fear. A fear that was relevant during a long period of time in my life and though I know I’m with someone who cares and who wouldn’t hurt me and who hasn’t hurt me for almost a year now, sometimes I can’t help but still be scared. To still hold back certain things.

Do you remember who you were before people told you who to be?

Sometimes I think I figured my own mind out, but then something happens or something is brought up to remind me that NOPE. Hella nope. I didn’t figure out shit.

While looking for the photo I attached above, which is yes, me; I ran into a bunch of other old photos. Ones I forgot about and ones that made me both mad and sad. I’ve never felt compelled to really delete photos or posts or a time frame of my life no matter how bad it was because pain helps you grow. However for this frame of time, I would happily delete everything.

As the days turn into weeks and months, and the events of that span of time start to fade away the reality is they’re not really fading but being phased out by new memories. I don’t like talking about triggers because I feel like it’s bad juju (I grew up in a household where you should never reveal your weaknesses) and because it’s not anyone’s business but mine really. I never have much to say considering when I am triggered, I withdraw from communication and hide away to myself.

Which in my current relationship my boyfriend is trying to get me to stop doing that and instead talk about it, if there’s anything he can help me with he wants to be there to help. Or even to just listen to what’s going on in my mind. And it’s not to use it against me later but to help me understand that he thinks I’m completely amazing despite my past and what people have conditioned me to believe. And that too is a scary thing to overcome.

I don’t really remember where I was going or why I decided to write this entry especially considering how vague everything turned out to be… maybe I’m still not ready to fully talk about it the way I want to/need to in order to heal, but maybe some time soon.

At least this is one step towards that.

Reflecting

Do you feel like a man, when you push her around?

Today last year was Easter.

I have a super private “blog” app I keep on my phone that I only write in when either something makes me incredibly sad or angry. I hardly post any happy things in there but lately I have been. So there’s been more happy posts and happy screenshots going on. I have a tendency to go back and read these posts as a I wonder what I was doing one year ago today thing. I did this a lot with my LiveJournal’s back in the day too.

Nick had said we’d go to Disney; it has been a thing I do — spend Easter at Disney. But the night before he had stayed up late gaming with his friends like stayed up till 7am gaming as he had been the whole week and weeks before that. Knowing his pattern, him sleeping that late meant he wasn’t going to get up until 3pm the next day and no matter how I asked he wouldn’t put that into consideration.

So when Easter Day came around I was obviously pretty pissed off about it. I remember being upset and tired of this shit — I hate empty promises and I hate liars. It was pretty much a month and a half of pent up irritation.

He walked over, grabbed me and slammed me into the couch pinning me down screaming at me to quit acting like a child. No matter how hard I tried to kick him or if I tried to push him off he would just tighten his grip and keep screaming at me. It gave me a massive panic attack that he told me to get over.

Continue reading “Do you feel like a man, when you push her around?”

Reflecting

Dear Zel…

I know right now, at this point of your life things are complete and utter shit. I know you feel helpless, stuck and afraid and I’m sorry that I wasn’t strong enough to remove you from the situation you’re in now. I’m sorry that you’ll still be living the nightmare within the next six months and I’m sorry that it will only get much worse from here.

If I could tell you anything, right now, it would be this: you will lose your friends. You will lose the one person who is the most important to you. When this will be over, you will have no one and nothing. You will also lose your best friend, and that will kill you. Even ten years later.

But despite all that, everything will get better. You won’t understand why these things are happening or what it’s all suppose to mean and it will be hard to pick yourself back up but you will. You’ll make mistakes along the way and hurt a boy who never had the intention of hurting you because your guard will still be up and well because let’s face it, you’re a bitch and sometimes you like making mistakes. And that’s totally okay. But the boy will forgive you. Though he’ll do a super jackass thing that will hurt you ten times worse, but let’s not get into that now… we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Or well, when you get there, cause I was already there and all.

I’m getting off track, we tend to do that, don’t we? Can tell you right now, ten years from now you’ll still for the most part be you. The parts of you that save your sanity but other parts… the parts you might like the most about yourself will be muted. I’m still working on how to unmute them.

Point is, right now sucks. Summer will suck harder. But you’ll be okay.

I know I said earlier I was sorry for not being strong enough and a part of me is sorry. A part of me wishes this never happened. A part of me wishes I had known better. That you had known better. But who were you going to tell? Who was going to understand? Everyone already had their assumptions and that was bad enough. What if everyone had known the truth? What good would it had done? To this day, I still think none. Because everyone would think the *duh* solution would to leave, like it would had been that easy. Like you weren’t scared for your life. No one understands that until they’re in that themselves. I’m sorry in general that you had to go through that — no one should ever have to. But I can not say I’m sorry it happened. For one, let’s be real. You kinda deserved it. And second it made you into a stronger person. It will take a lot of time, but you will be a stronger person because of it. That’s not to excuse the mark and mental issues it left you with but still.

This is the beginning of the end. But you’ll be okay. I promise. ♥

Reflecting

The beginning of the end…

o309o3 is a date deeply buried in the put of my mind. Where it should stay. But it was the beginning of an end and ten years ago today was the start of a series of life changing moments that would hit me full force and take everything and everyone away from me.

It’s crazy to think that one person would have the ability to flip your life into chaos before your own eyes. It’s crazy to think that it could happen to you. And when you find yourself trapped in that type of relationship — that type of situation — it’s far too late to do anything to fix it. It feels like there are no secret escape routes, there are no exits and there is no one to help you. It feels like the only way out, is to kill yourself. And to find yourself in that type of situation? It’s hard to explain, it’s hard to make others understand and trying to reflect on it, ten years later? Everything is hazy at this point. There are bits and pieces that spark up the most intense emotions for me and there are other things I struggle to remember because I’ve wiped it from my memory.

Ten years ago I was reckless and regardless of what anyone says, I still say I had this coming. I tried getting over someone else by moving on to someone else. To someone I barely knew and rushing things. Maybe that was the biggest mistake of all, the rushing of things.

And while this whole thing changed and destroyed my life and the me I knew, I’m thankful for it. I grew because of it, it guided me to my husband and now, ten years later I’m doing what I’ve always wanted to do. I’m happy, I’m accomplished and while I’m not yet fully stable, I know I’m getting there and that’s better than still being destroyed.

So to you, thank you. For ruining me. Thank you for six months of hell. It showed me what love REALLY looks like and it allowed me to rebuild myself into a better stronger version of who Zel was.

Books

Book Review: Breaking Beautiful by Jennifer Shaw Wolf


Breaking Beautiful by Jennifer Shaw Wolf*
Published: April 24th, 2012 by Walkers Childrens
Genre: Young Adult > Contemporary
Rating: 4.5 out of 5
Source: From publisher via NetGalley (thank you Walkers Childrens!)
Summary:
Allie lost everything the night her boyfriend, Trip, died in a horrible car accident—including her memory of the event. As their small town mourns his death, Allie is afraid to remember because doing so means delving into what she’s kept hidden for so long: the horrible reality of their abusive relationship.

When the police reopen the investigation, it casts suspicion on Allie and her best friend, Blake, especially as their budding romance raises eyebrows around town. Allie knows she must tell the truth. Can she reach deep enough to remember that night so she can finally break free? Debut writer Jennifer Shaw Wolf takes readers on an emotional ride through the murky waters of love, shame, and, ultimately, forgiveness. — taken from Goodreads.com

 

I’m a bit of a sucker for novels that are based on abusive relationships. Maybe to remind myself I got out lucky. Maybe because it’s comforting that someone somewhere else was stuck like me and made it out okay, even if the person is a fictional character. Whatever the reason, I’m always drawn to them.

When I picked up Breaking Beautiful, I wasn’t aware that it was a book about abusive relationships and I was in for a whirlwind of very strong emotions.

Allie is stuck, she’s literally stuck. She can barely function even months after an accident that claimed the life for her boyfriend Trip. She struggles to remember the details of that night and with the fear of going back to school. When she finally gathers the courage, things aren’t what they seem at first and as the investigation goes on, people start to show their true colors not just that but someone is stalking Allie.

There were plenty of points in this book that made me angry. The fact that the town is so small that it seems its residents brains are just as small. The fact that people were pointing fingers at Allie even though Trip’s friends knew the truth but chose to turn away from it. How evil Trip’s father was, he reminded me of Dan Scott from One Tree Hill. Too bad he wasn’t lucky enough to be caught in a burning building, that woulda been something. The way the town treated Blake who for the most part stayed out of peoples way. Oh and Allie’s mother, the lady needs to get a clue.

But I did like a lot of things too. How much Blake cared about Allie, how hard he struggled to do the right thing and take care of her as well as keep his promises. The bond between Allie and her special needs brother Andrew was incredibly sweet.

We only see Trip through Allie’s flashbacks but that’s enough to know who he was when he was around. Wolf did an incredible job of painting a very vivid picture of the situation at hand and portraying Allie’s anxiety perfectly.

Side note: It sort of bothers me when people review books on abusive relationships and are quick to say “I don’t get why she didn’t just leave him.” / “That would never be me.” it’s easy to say those things when you’re not or never have been in that situation. Like I said, I think Wolf did a great job of capturing the fear and anxiety that Allie felt. She also did a great job of capturing the fact that people who cared about Allie just wanted to help but she felt so hopeless that she couldn’t accept it and I wish more people would understand what it’s like and feel a little more compassion to the person in that situation.

Overall I enjoyed this read. While it’s not something I would recommend as a summer beach read, I do believe it’s a good read for young adults. We can only hope that books like this will make them more aware.

*Leads to an affiliate link with Amazon that allows me to earn.