anxiety disorder

Weekly Recap; March 12th – 18th

I should post more than just Weekly Recap’s here but sometimes I just don’t know what to say. Daily blogging use to be my thing, my release, my therapy. Even if I had nothing to say, I’d just talk. Maybe I should do that again, it helped me a lot when I was growing up to deal with my problems and find answers or to help me understand that some things just don’t have answers.

This week wasn’t all that eventful; I didn’t leave the house for one. I don’t want to be tempted to spend money since Bubba and I have a big vacation planned coming up (and quick)! So I’ve just been handling some stuff with the new place, bills, trying to some how get ready for the move and figure out how social media works (cause it’s a never ending learning experience).

I’m a bit of a blind box addict (thanks Disney World job and D-Street and Vinylmations!) and that Hopper up there is something I’ve been chasing for about if not over a year now. I’ve gotten pretty much everyone in that collection about 2 or 3 times EXCEPT FOR HOPPER. I don’t know why! But it’s definitely driven me crazy once or twice. When I was in Texas and I told Bubba about this he immediately searched for it on Amazon and had it shipped to me! I finally got him and I couldn’t be happier! Hopper means a lot to me because my last job at Disney was at Animal Kingdom in The Tree of Life with the It’s Tough To Be a Bug show and Hopper was always my favorite part of the show. Every morning when we would make sure everything was good before opening I’d always be so excited to see him and the days when Hopper wasn’t working were very sad and boring work days!

I also got the package that Bubba sent that was the stuff I couldn’t pack in my luggage when I got home — this boy. He spoils me so much that I actually have to ship a box back home every time I see him. SIGH. But every single thing he gets me is something thoughtful. I forgot I had put my Tsum Tsum Pastel Parade’s in there so I was super excited to see them again… and also the Hot Cheetos with Lime that were lining the box. And the World of Final Fantasy guide. And my Beauty and the Beast music box. And BATB plushies. I didn’t take pic of all that was in there but I should had! Maybe piece by piece I will :).

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So much anxiety, for such a small thing

I know I’m suppose to be doing my weekly recap but this week has just been… kinda awful.

My apartment has been taken over by fruit flies? House flies? I don’t even know but they’re fuckin everywhere and driving me fuckin nuts. My roommate left banana’s to rot on the counter and it attracted what feels like a whole planet of them. They’re all over my kitchen, living room and a good handful in my room.

I hate bugs in my home.

I HATE THEM.

It makes my OCD go CRAZY.

It makes my anxiety act up.

And now I’m dealing with the physical side effects of it all.

And I just want to cry. I just want to bury my head under my pillow, under my blankets and just SOB until I CANT BREATHE ANYMORE.

That might sound dramatic but you tell me how you’d feel when it feels like EVERY SINGLE NERVE YOU HAVE is on edge and you just feel like trashing the whole place and sobbing because your anxiety is driving you fuckin nuts.

I try SO HARD to keep this place as clean as I can and as bug free as I can. I pay SO MUCH damn money for this place and it just ANNOYS me when things like this happen. I’ve incredibly anal about keeping things tidy and prompt and clean and THIS is why I didn’t want a roommate. This is why I NEVER want one. Because I KNOW I can be anal about these things and I know I want things done MY WAY so why bother with disappointment and other people when I already KNOW these things about myself?

I wish I just had moved back to WC. I wish I had never left Orlando in the first place. And I can wish that — a million times for a million days but it’s not going to bring back, replace or erase the things that have already happened and the stupid choices I had already made.

I can sit here and wish that THAT year and a half NEVER HAPPENED as hard as I want to but had it not had happened I would had never found the friends and family I had found on FFXIV.  I would had never found Penny. I would had never found the strength I do have now because of it. Despite the price it cost me.

I’m just so upset and so sad right now.

I try so hard to keep this place as clean and as bug free as I can.

I try so hard to keep things tidy within what my anxiety lets me.

I feel like falling apart right now.

I know it’s not my fault and all this and that but it is MY HOME and even if people can’t do their part there’s no sense in getting mad at them or yelling at them about it. It’s just sad that they can’t.

On top of that Nick said earlier this week that he was going to bring my camera and drop it off at the front desk. He hadn’t said anything all week and so I text him today about it and he asks when am I gonna be home then he says that he didn’t bring it and he didn’t drive down to Orlando himself.

THEN WHY DID YOU ASK WHEN I’LL BE HOME. WHY COULDN’T YOU SAY YOU WEREN’T GONNA BE ABLE TO BRING IT THIS WEEKEND AHEAD OF TIME.

WHY.

WHY ARE PEOPLE SO UGH.

I’m gonna go take a hot bath and try to chill the fuck out for the rest of the night.

The Return of Anxiety

The last week and a half I feel like I’m just… floating on by.

It’s crazy when anxiety hits you because one minute you could be totally fine and the next minute, without cause or reason, literally out of nowhere suddenly you’re really really not.

I get anxiety for a lot of reasons — there’s a lot of things that have happened recently that I know I haven’t settled within myself. I haven’t taken the time to grieve, to pull the events that took place apart just to put them back together to make more sense to me. I don’t write about things like that anymore, I don’t blog about them, I try not to talk about them. And I don’t know why, I don’t know why I stopped. I always feel like I can take on the world by myself; that this problem is mine and mine alone. But as of late I’ve just been… ignoring them. I tell myself that these things are over and done with and there’s no reason to be upset or hold grudges or mourn. Like doesn’t stop for anyone. So keep your head up, smile and remember that despite the things that have happened the important thing is that those days are over and they’re not coming back. You’re okay now. You’re safe now. You’re loved now. There’s no need for fear or worry. There’s so much in life to be thankful and happy about now. There’s SO MUCH.

But if you have anxiety, you know that even telling yourself of all the positives sometimes that shit just creeps up on you and smacks you upside the head like hey, remember me? Of course I do, can’t forget someone who won’t go away.

I’ve been drained the last week and a half. I haven’t felt like doing anything and I didn’t get anything done. I did clean my kitchen which I think triggered everything; cleaning a mess that isn’t mine and having to do this shit all over again. It’s the little things, isn’t it? That always fuck with your head when you least expect it. All I know is that I’ve been in a bad mood overall and easily irritated by the littest things and I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all. I’ve been hating hot baths, phone calls, text messages — I don’t want anyone to talk to me. I just wanna be left alone. And I keep crying.

On the upside, I keep forgetting to take anti anxiety meds (which I only take now on weeks like this which doesn’t happen often at all). So it must not be that bad if I keep forgetting, right?

And today I decided to get up, appreciate the sunshine and get back to work.

Anxiety is always going to come back, but it’s up to me to decide how I’m going to handle it.

It helps I have an amazing boyfriend who will call even when he has work early the next morning and talk to me to calm me down and make sure that I’m really okay before he even thinks about going to sleep. Who can tell when my vibe has changed and will make me laugh or watch a movie or a TV show with me and wait until I’m ready to talk about it. He might not know anything about depression or anxiety but he sure does know how to ease most of it when it shows up and for that I’m incredibly thankful.

I’ve been drowning myself in slow jams and feel good music to try and change my mood. So far it’s working.

 

When Your Partner Has Anxiety: A Meltdown Guide

FOR ANYONE DATING ANYONE WITH ANXIETY OR DEPRESSION:

1) DO STAY CALM
2) DONT ASK THEM TO MAKE DECISIONS
3) DO TAKE CONTROL
4) DONT ASSUME THEY CAN ASK FOR WHAT THEY NEED

I can’t even BREATHE when I’m having an anxiety attack asking me over and over again “what’s wrong” will make me literally want to beat your head in. Wouldn’t you think if I KNEW what was WRONG I wouldn’t be flipping the fuck out? It’s like your mind just short circuits and you can’t think straight. You don’t know why your heart is beating so rapidly or why you’re having a hard time breathing and the only thing you can think of is CALM DOWN. Cause if you don’t calm down it will only get worse. And I know in my case when it gets worse I start trying to destroy things because I get angry that I can’t calm down.

The best thing to do is either squeeze the person in a tight hug until their breathing starts to slow down or distract them. And be stern about it and make it something small, not something that would require thinking.

Just saying.

The Meltdown Guide

TW: I swear a lot in this article.

What do you do when your partner is having a panic attack or a depressive episode?

It can be really scary and super frustrating watching someone you lovego through an episode, especially if you don’t know how to be helpful.

This Meltdown Guide was created to help those of you who are in love with people who struggle with anxiety and depression to feel like you can be helpful when your partner seems to be spiraling.

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We’re like two ships passing each other at sea…

I have a habit of washing my hands as soon as I get home, period.

Doesn’t matter if I just came home from shopping, from work, from school or if I just came back from checking the mail. If I leave the house for any reason and come back, I have to wash my hands before I touch anything.

I get that living with someone with an anxiety disorder sucks. Believe me, it sucks for us too, there are times I try to bite my tongue and it just doesn’t work. There are times when I say things before I even think them and it’s in those moments that my actions — my life, is snatched away from me because of whatever hold is going on in my head.

The other day I said to my husband, “why don’t you ever wash your hands when you get home?” and he responded with, “I don’t feel dirty.” I brushed it off.

I went to take the clean towels out of the dryer earlier (and clean towels or clean pj’s or home clothes — it’s IMPORTANT that my hands are clean when I take them out) and I didn’t feel like washing my hands because I didn’t feel dirty so I took them out and threw them on the bed (the bed is another place that needs to be CLEAN) and I was fine. So I go sit back down and remember that I was touching the mouse which hasn’t been disinfected yet and I thought back to all the what if germs living on it.

Then I told my mind to shut the fuck up. The clothes are already folded and put away and you know what, they’re just as clean now as they were before I took them out of the dryer. And OCD is strange like that; I can tell you where every single thing in my apartment has been, who has touched it and where it has been put down. You keep tabs on the strangest thing and it’s not like you want to, it’s that you just do.

I bet this is why I’m “forgetful”, my OCD is taking up all the space in my memory that could be used for something useful, like my studies.

I always want to talk about anxiety, but sometimes I just don’t know what to say. It’s had to explain it to people who don’t know what it’s like because I’m totally aware of how crazy it all sounds. But I also think that people have misunderstandings when it comes to OCD. But honestly not even doctors can give you a solid answer on where it comes from, why it happens or how to get rid of it. As of now there is no “cure”. All there is is exposure therapy (which doesn’t always work) or pills.

The last 9 years with it has been a pretty tough journey and it’s crazy to think it one year it’ll be ten years since it started. And I still haven’t figured it out.