Recap

Weekly Recap; May 6th – May 13th

Not much went on this passed week; I found a bunch of throwback photos. I refused to take bubble baths while Bubba wasnt here because Spring brings bugs. Even if I do keep a can of RAID close. I only managed to put up one blog post this week. Hmph. I’ve been really tired and sleepy this week! I have no idea why! But it’s driving me crazy.

Last Sunday we went grocery shopping; and it was pretty damn productive. I miss Publix like crazy but Tom Thumb isn’t so bad. I wish there was a Trader Joe’s close to a Tom Thumb somewhere around here though, that would make things so much easier!

I also did a little cleaning; finally cleared off the side of the counter in the kitchen where the coffee machine is… the other side? Not so much. This apartment is big but small for a one bedroom… I mean it’s a decent size but it has no storage space. I don’t even have a balcony so yeah. This apartment will never be as organized and as tidy as I want it to be. Which worries me about the next place as well.

Continue reading “Weekly Recap; May 6th – May 13th”

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Recap, Reflecting

Weekly Recap; April 15th – April 21st

I know I’m posting this on a day that isn’t Sunday but Bubba has been here this weekend and so I didn’t have time to post lol. I don’t know why, but sometimes I feel weird spending all day blogging if he’s here (even if he’s spending the week here). Which kinda sucks.

My OCD has also been so high lately that I feel like I’m constantly failing in terms of getting photos shot and blog posts up that I really want to get up. I hate how I can’t figure out a trigger or that I sometimes can’t figure out how to push passed my OCD and get things done. As if I can’t just clean everything up when I’m done or change my clothes or whatever.

I’ve been heavily debating on getting back on meds, but I don’t know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately but it’s definitely frustrating as fuck.

Continue reading “Weekly Recap; April 15th – April 21st”

Hello, Reflecting

Easter 2016

I literally don’t know why I’m getting anxiety just thinking about writing this blog post. I feel like my blood has run cold and all my nerves are on alert.

I guess just thinking of this day still makes me cringe.

Traditions are very important to me. And I created traditions for myself to enjoy the things I like in life, to have things to look forward to. Because when your life is lonely and your mind can be your greatest enemy the best way to combat that is to have something to look forward to. To have bits of this life that excite you.

Two years ago I lived in Lake Mary, Florida. I moved away from Orlando and it was the biggest and dumbest move I ever made. I was told by the guy I was dating at the time that I wouldn’t be that far from Orlando or Disney and we would be able to go any time.

That was a lie.

I had to fight with him for a week to get to Disney and even when we finally DID go, he would be miserable the whole time and want to leave as soon as we got there. We were an hour away, maybe less. But hell he’d get upset if I said I wanted to go to Krispy Kreme which was ten minutes away. He was the type to expect you to go/do everything HE wanted to do without question yet when I wanted to do the things I’ve ALWAYS done he’d throw a fit and trap me in the house. This was a big thing of his btw, trapping me. I didn’t really notice it until I moved to Lake Mary.

Two year ago today was Easter.

I normally spent Easter at Disney and I had brought up this months before to which he said was fine, we could spend Easter there since he had no real plans. But the day before was saying all of a sudden we couldn’t go and I HAD to go with him to his grandparents house. His grandparents house were we spent EVERY OTHER FUCKIN DAY doing NOTHING but staring at the wall, literally. Not to mention my cousin who I hadn’t seen in year since I moved away from California was going to be in Tampa and he had ZERO interest in seeing her or meeting her — in fact he had zero interest in meeting ANY of my family members including my parents.

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The morning of, he did what he always did.

He firmly stated we WEREN’T going to Disney. Demanded I get dressed and get ready to go with him to his grandparent’s house.

I refused.

I was tired of him gas lighting me. I was tired of him promising to do something then last minute going back on his word then picking a fight with me to shut me up when I’d call him out on it. I was tired of his shit.

So I said no. I wasn’t going. I wasn’t leaving the house if we weren’t going to Disney. That I’m sick of him lying to me.

He walked over to the computer desk where I was sitting.

He picked me up by my throat.

Then he SLAMMED me on the couch wrapping his hands around my throat and screaming at me asking if “I was done acting like a child.” I tried kicking him in his gut, in his face, anywhere to get him off of me. I was screaming for him to get off of me. To let me go. He kept screaming “No. Not until you stop acting like a child.” That was his reason for everything when shit like this happened was the one acting like a child.

He finally let go.

Then he did what he always did afterwards, he sat CALMLY like a fuckin psycho telling me that if I kept acting like this we wouldn’t last for much longer. To which I replied, “put your hands on me again and I promise we won’t.” he laughed. He fuckin laughed. Then patted my shoulder and told me to have a nice day before leaving the house.

I wanted to burn the apartment to the ground.

I stayed in my room with the door locked hiding in my closet and cried for hours. I stayed quiet. I listened for when he’d come back. I made sure I was in bed and ‘asleep’ by the time he came back. I hated being scared. I hated myself. I hated Easter. He ruined my favorite holiday without so much as a fuckin care. I was heartbroken.

Then he had the nerve to come home and hug me like he didn’t just put his hands on me. Claiming he didn’t slam me that hard and to quit acting like a baby. As if slamming your girlfriend anywhere for any reason was fuckin normal. Then went on to claim that I needed his money when he blew all his money on comic book and Hot Wheels.

He didn’t pay rent. He didn’t pay bills. He didn’t pay electric or internet. He didn’t even pay for his own gas or food. He literally didn’t pay for shit. I laughed when he said I needed his money. I never needed his money or him. But in his delusional mind he really thought he was doing some shit for the ‘household’ when he didn’t do shit. He didn’t even pay for the Netflix or Hulu he was fuckin using. And when I would remind him of rent he would again fight with me and the cycle started all over again.

This day however was the first time he picked me up and slammed me. Through out our relationship he would do it again. And again.

And no matter how hard I tired to kick him out. Or break up with him he just wouldn’t get the fuckin hint. He would ignore me. If I could had afforded to change the locks on the apartment and leave all his shit outside I would had. But I had nowhere to go, nowhere to hide and no one to turn to. I was stranded in a city an hour away from anyone I knew. And it was definitely scary.

I refused to let this day take away my love for Easter. But every time it comes up, it just hurts to think someone out there thought this was okay.

~*~

I’m thankful I’m out of that relationship. I’m thankful I’m away from all that toxic energy and I’m somewhere far away from there and safe. And around someone who goes above and beyond these days to make sure every holiday is one I’ll love.

Reflecting

On things other people have said/done…

I always wonder why would someone disregard someone else’s wishes to break up. Why would someone destroy someone without even batting an eyelash, and still have the ability to sleep cozy at night in the next room and DARE to blame the other person when they decide enough is enough and want to leave.

Why bring around toxic ass shit and wonder why the other person is hurting only to kick them when you’ve already pushed them off a damn cliff and NOT let them LEAVE?

I never understood why or how someone could drag someone down even lower despite all the shit they’ve already done and said over and over again.

While these people who do nothing but tear others down are free to skip off and find someone else to go tear down and leave the previous person in a pile of broken mess.

Continue reading “On things other people have said/done…”

Recap

The Hardest Goodbye ; would had been 11 weeks tomorrow…

This blog as always been around as more of a place for me to archive my life. As someone who personally blogged since 1999, it’s somewhat of a habit. Although I don’t blog every single day like I use to, I try to blog when I can/remember to/have something to say/have something to remember.

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Then there were 4, but now there are just 3…

 

Continue reading “The Hardest Goodbye ; would had been 11 weeks tomorrow…”

Reflecting

Dreams for sale… and fairy tales…

I have this problem; every time I get hit with an insane amount of anxiety or have an anxiety attack I don’t talk. I don’t reach out for help. I don’t run to anyone for comfort. I don’t expect comfort — and I don’t want comfort. I don’t want someone to feel obligated to give me comfort.

And I know why I’m this way.

And sometimes knowing why I’m this way makes the anxiety hurt even more. It makes me cry a little harder. It makes the throbbing in my chest a little more intense. It makes the reckless thoughts a little bit stronger.

The demons I face because of anxiety, the fears and the things that hold me back are all products of someone else’s reaction. But it was years of this very same reaction and it took years for me to realize that I could not go to this person for help. This person was not who I thought they were, they were not going to be there for me through sickness and health. They refused to be my strength when I fell, instead they kicked me even harder while I was down and told me to man up. To wake up and get rid of it. They accused me of not trying hard enough. Of not wanting to save our marriage because I wouldn’t just stop.

And now, even years later and years away from them I still fall into the same pit of fear — I’m afraid to ask for help. I’m afraid to ask for comfort. I’m afraid to let anyone see me break down. I don’t want anyone to feel bad or anyone to touch me or speak to me when I’m having an attack. I just want to be left completely utterly alone.

And I don’t know how to break out of that. I don’t know how to start reaching out for help.

Hopefully I can soon find a solution…

Hello

Weekly Recap; Oct 8th – 14th

How are we MID WAY through OCTOBER already?! The months and the days are passing WAY TOO FAST in my opinion! Though I suppose this time of year does pass a bit quicker than the rest… but still, I’m not done enjoying Fall and Halloween yet! I guess that’s my fault for wanting to start the Christmas celebrations on November 1st instead of on Thanksgiving like my family usually does…

Continue reading “Weekly Recap; Oct 8th – 14th”