Hello

Weekly Recap; Aug 6th – Aug 12th

I don’t remember much of this passed week really except for things that happened recently.

Bubba got me this really cool palette from Hot Topic probably the week before and I was playing with it; the colors are SO pigmented! It was $10 but now it’s dropped down to $6 and I WANT THEM ALL!! I had fun playing with the shimmer shades and seeing how amazing they all looked!

I also gave in and decided to start fall early and that usually means burning a Leaves candle \o/ I forget just how freakin strong the scent can get in a small room so it filled up my whole bathroom and made me feel a little sick lol. Yeah, no more bathroom time for you unless I’m not in it! Gahhh. Still bae though.

I also finally tried a face mask and OH GOD. IT STUNG LIKE CRAZY. It said to leave it on for 8-10 mins, UH NO. I took that shit off in 3! Gahhhh damn. And the liquid/bubbles kept getting into my mouth! Ew! It definitely did NOT taste good!

I upgraded my Weaver gear on FFXIV so I could make Bubba this rice hat for his glamour he’s been wanting, I’m glad he finally has a Monk glam he likes, FFXIV has been catering to Samurai’s since the last expansion StormBlood came out and the story for it sucks and so does the gear.

I got lightweight sick and so I decided to try something new — I ordered Clam Chowder and a Chicken Parm Sandwich from this place called East Hampton Sandwich Co and it was SO GOOD. I loved it all! The Chicken Parm reminded me of something I’d get for lunch everyday when I worked at Disney in 2011, I haven’t had that taste in such a long time! It was definitely comforting.

Bubba slept over and gave me and Sophie cuddles to make me feel better since I had trouble sleeping the night before. Sophie obviously took over my cuddle time since she has a habit of jumping ON Bubba to get his attention. Silly cat! I’m so glad she loves him though.

My books from Book Depo came in the mail, I ordered a twisted retelling of Alice and Peter Pan. The covers are what lured me in and I’m a sucker for retellings! The US covers weren’t as nice so I got the UK covers from Book Depo instead. I also got my book for review from Amazon Vine. I miss getting books for review from publishers though, sigh how the internet and marketing has changed since 2009…

This Coconut Milk Tea with Flan from Fruitalicious has been my OBSESSION lately. Like OMG! I cant get enough and the fact I can UberEATS it? So dangerous but so nice. Except that delivery fee — the drink itself is $4 but the delivery fee is also $4 so I end up paying $9 after taxes for one drink. Bubba’s like “you’re not using this whole boyfriend with a car who wants to get you food when you’re hungry to your advantage and I’m gonna need you to start,” lol he’s silly. I love him. But I don’t know if he’d get me boba if I asked lmao!

I fit the 3 Oz books Bubba got me and am just now realizing they’re out of order. Dammit, REDOING THE PICS. RECLAIMING MY TIME! But now I have to somehow fit the whole Wicked series too my mom’s slowly sending me and I don’t know if it’ll all fit… ah, this is gonna be a challenge!

Friday’s are shopping days it seems like lately; we went to my walking plaza so I could show Bubba Anthropologie, then we walked around the and hit Bath & Body Works where he got me two candles: he replaced my Stress Relief one that I burned up all of before I moved and got me a lemon one that I really like. I’m so glad they kept this scent and I’m hoping they keep it year round. He also got himself Autumn (which was stolen by his mom. Dang he can’t ever keep a candle to himself lol). Then we hit Sephora where we looked for the Naked Heat palette but they were sold out! So he got me the Too Faced Glitter Bomb one I’ve been playing with lately instead. For some reason my VIB accounts aren’t showing up on their system, it’s kinda frustrating but they didn’t have anything worth spending 100 points on either anyway.

My mom sent me a package and she included this photo of me and my cousin Rob when we were 17. I think we were on the Ferry to San Francisco when I took this. Man we look suuuuuper young, those were the days!

I also got my tea’s in from Amazon Prime \o/ they released 3 new tea’s it looks like! I can’t wait to try them! I wish I had remembered to pack my tea kettle from my other place but I totally forgot to and left it behind, whomp whomp. So now I have to find a new tea kettle or microwave water like I use to \o/ or maybe I should get one of those steeper things from Teavana… hm.

So Friday night I was in my bubble bath and it started raining, nothing too different. But I heard a clicking sound coming from my sink. It was a weird sound I hadn’t heard before and my mind was thinking it’s a roach in my sink so I stand up and I THINK I see a roach running around in there or SOMETHING and I FLIP OUT. I get out of the bath, didn’t even dry myself, step outside, shut the door and call Bubba saying he needs to come check my bathroom. So Sophie kept me company while I was freezing my ass off waiting for Bubba to get here lol! He went in and checked everywhere; the sink, the area around the sink, the counter, under the counter, the laundry room, the closet, the bedroom… and nothing. There was nothing. I tried to calm down and go back to my bath but I was so still slightly paranoid I didn’t feel like being there. Though to be fair — I did take two sleeping aids and I was tired and drowsy by the time he showed up. So he thinks my tired mind just hallucinated it. I mean we didn’t find anything so… 😦 though now a few days later I’m still wondering if I saw anything or if I really DID hallucinate it.

Either way I’ve been working on tidying my room and apartment as much as I can and getting rid of as many boxes as I can in the process. And lighting lemon candles. And doing all sorts of anti-roach things. For all I know, my last apartment coulda gave me PTSD with all the bug issues they had there. Ugh.

My apartment is still lacking some storage and stuff but hopefully more of it will be settled soon… sucks but it is what it is, doing what I can to build a new atmosphere and make things as zen as possible. I’m hoping to start filming again, I keep forgetting to vlog when I’m out and taking pics like I normally do but I also need to clear some memory off my phone too!

So this week I’ll be working on tidying/sorting/planning the zen corner, doing something about all these clothes just hanging out on the floor of my closet that need to be picked up cause UGH messes!, sorting my closet out, getting rid of more boxes and trying to post more.

I also remade my food blog HERE if you’re interested and I remade my book blog HERE. I wanted to move away from blogspot for a bit. My lifestyle blog is still there and I hate the way it looks and feels. But I would have to migrate that shit to a wordpress.org and I hear that gets headache inducing though it probably would be better to do it sooner than later since having it be on blogspot makes me almost not want to post and that’s not helpful to anyone tbh. I might migrate/redo my mental health blog which is right HERE for now, I haven’t updated it in some years but I want to start again — maybe. Or maybe I’ll just talk mental health and zen on hazearella, I DONT KNOW. But I do know my food and book blog are starting over. Whew.

Hello

Weekly Recap; for pretty much June

Uhm, hai.

It’s been awhile since I’ve done a weekly recap. Mostly because nothing really interesting happened besides a whole lot of bullshit, stress, packing and trying to figure shit out. I was hoping to make a documented vlog and blog series of the moving process and packing process but then I figured I’m setting myself up for people to see how laggy I can be and like I said I was going through a bunch of bullshit and stress that were making me sick and giving me migraines so half the time I wasn’t really in the mood to even talk.

Which sucks.

I should stop letting other people and their crap bother or impact me and my energy simply because they’re not worth my time or energy.

You live and learn. And build walls. Lots of walls. And never let anyone in. Ever.

Continue reading “Weekly Recap; for pretty much June”

Hello

Weekly Recap; June 4th – 11th

Let’s pretend today’s Sunday, yeah?

This weekend was… kinda awful and anxiety inducing. Actually the whole week kinda was. I’ve had issues with bugs making their way into MY BEDROOM which is not cool; I hate bugs. Like, I hate them, they scare the shit out of me. I had 2 roaches, a random beetle and TWO FUCKIN WASPS make their way into MY BEDROOM. Apparently there was a gap or something in my window frame that was allowing them to come in. Like, what the fuck. Which is weird because I live on the THIRD FLOOR and I’ve been here for ELEVEN MONTHS and I’m just now having this problem?! Like, what changed? Wtf? It’s so weird and crazy! Like, WASPS? REALLY? What are they doing this close to a building? There’s no tree’s in front of my window. There’s nothing, it’s just a freakin parking lot out there so I’m totally confused. Anyway, maintenance came and fixed it but I feel like it’s not totally fixed, but I’m also paranoid, so there’s that.

Continue reading “Weekly Recap; June 4th – 11th”

Hello, Reflecting

Weekly Recap; April 30th – May 6th

How the heck is it already May?!

How the heck is it already Sunday?!

Does time just zip by faster the older you get?!

WHAT IS GOING ON?!

So it’s Sunday again which means… another weekly recap! Yay!

Yeah I don’t think much happened this week. I did write a follow up email for the last moving company I’m waiting a response on and… nothing all week. I called yesterday and was sent to the main corp line since the offices were closed the weekend. So if I don’t hear anything tomorrow I’ll call again. But then Sophie also has her check up tomorrow and I’m really hoping she will be good and not crying and alla that. It’s my first time taking her to a check up by myself, so this should be interesting. Should I vlog this? #lifeafter30 #after30withacat #whatismylife

Continue reading “Weekly Recap; April 30th – May 6th”

Reflecting

Baby baby, I feel crazy…

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Abuse.

Relationships.

You never think it could happen to you. It could never be you. YOU would never be that stupid; especially if you managed to escape on abusive relationship.

But that’s the thing — you don’t realize you’re in an abusive relationship until that much later and until you feel so stuck you don’t know what to do or where to go.

The healing process is such a sticky stretch of time.

I can say this and that. I can act this way and that way. But sometimes in the middle of the day I’ll be afraid. Afraid to say something, afraid to do something, afraid to suggest something in my current relationship because of how past relationships played out. It’s not that I’m comparing my current relationship to my past ones, it’s just a fear. A fear that was relevant during a long period of time in my life and though I know I’m with someone who cares and who wouldn’t hurt me and who hasn’t hurt me for almost a year now, sometimes I can’t help but still be scared. To still hold back certain things.

Do you remember who you were before people told you who to be?

Sometimes I think I figured my own mind out, but then something happens or something is brought up to remind me that NOPE. Hella nope. I didn’t figure out shit.

While looking for the photo I attached above, which is yes, me; I ran into a bunch of other old photos. Ones I forgot about and ones that made me both mad and sad. I’ve never felt compelled to really delete photos or posts or a time frame of my life no matter how bad it was because pain helps you grow. However for this frame of time, I would happily delete everything.

As the days turn into weeks and months, and the events of that span of time start to fade away the reality is they’re not really fading but being phased out by new memories. I don’t like talking about triggers because I feel like it’s bad juju (I grew up in a household where you should never reveal your weaknesses) and because it’s not anyone’s business but mine really. I never have much to say considering when I am triggered, I withdraw from communication and hide away to myself.

Which in my current relationship my boyfriend is trying to get me to stop doing that and instead talk about it, if there’s anything he can help me with he wants to be there to help. Or even to just listen to what’s going on in my mind. And it’s not to use it against me later but to help me understand that he thinks I’m completely amazing despite my past and what people have conditioned me to believe. And that too is a scary thing to overcome.

I don’t really remember where I was going or why I decided to write this entry especially considering how vague everything turned out to be… maybe I’m still not ready to fully talk about it the way I want to/need to in order to heal, but maybe some time soon.

At least this is one step towards that.

Hello

Weekly Recap; March 12th – 18th

I should post more than just Weekly Recap’s here but sometimes I just don’t know what to say. Daily blogging use to be my thing, my release, my therapy. Even if I had nothing to say, I’d just talk. Maybe I should do that again, it helped me a lot when I was growing up to deal with my problems and find answers or to help me understand that some things just don’t have answers.

This week wasn’t all that eventful; I didn’t leave the house for one. I don’t want to be tempted to spend money since Bubba and I have a big vacation planned coming up (and quick)! So I’ve just been handling some stuff with the new place, bills, trying to some how get ready for the move and figure out how social media works (cause it’s a never ending learning experience).

I’m a bit of a blind box addict (thanks Disney World job and D-Street and Vinylmations!) and that Hopper up there is something I’ve been chasing for about if not over a year now. I’ve gotten pretty much everyone in that collection about 2 or 3 times EXCEPT FOR HOPPER. I don’t know why! But it’s definitely driven me crazy once or twice. When I was in Texas and I told Bubba about this he immediately searched for it on Amazon and had it shipped to me! I finally got him and I couldn’t be happier! Hopper means a lot to me because my last job at Disney was at Animal Kingdom in The Tree of Life with the It’s Tough To Be a Bug show and Hopper was always my favorite part of the show. Every morning when we would make sure everything was good before opening I’d always be so excited to see him and the days when Hopper wasn’t working were very sad and boring work days!

I also got the package that Bubba sent that was the stuff I couldn’t pack in my luggage when I got home — this boy. He spoils me so much that I actually have to ship a box back home every time I see him. SIGH. But every single thing he gets me is something thoughtful. I forgot I had put my Tsum Tsum Pastel Parade’s in there so I was super excited to see them again… and also the Hot Cheetos with Lime that were lining the box. And the World of Final Fantasy guide. And my Beauty and the Beast music box. And BATB plushies. I didn’t take pic of all that was in there but I should had! Maybe piece by piece I will :).

Continue reading “Weekly Recap; March 12th – 18th”

Reflecting

Word Vomit | Too Hopped Up on Drugs

So, 3 years ago I went through a pretty massive mental breakdown and despite the years of therapy I was in for my anxiety I made the choice I told myself I would never give in to — I got prescription drugs to help me cope with my sudden spike in anxiety because my marriage at the time was pretty much imploding on itself.

And you know, it wasn’t so bad. I mean adjusting sucked but besides that, it helped me achieve that sense of relief and calmness I needed to stop my mind (and my heart rate) to feel like it was trying to out dubstep each other each morning and night (which believe me, sucks up a lot more energy than you’d think on a daily basis). It helped me control my anger and my emotions and allowed me to get into meditation a little easier until I felt like I didn’t need the help of drugs as much anymore (though I still took Zoloft on a regular basis, I didn’t take Colozo as often anymore).

Fast forward to like a year or two ago; I started dating someone new who I *thought* at the time was a *decent* person. But turned out to be seriously awful as fuck. He forced me quit my meds cold turkey by force and that resulted in 3 months of withdrawal symptoms that he cared nothing about but watched me suffer and throw up constantly. So I’ve been without meds for almost 2 years now.

Fast forward to now — he took back my iPhone and my PS4 along with all the “stuff” he’s been so desperately been trying to get from my apartment that he left here (which turned out to be a snowboard, two speakers he never even wanted, a jar of rice, a throw pillow and 3 dvd’s). He’s been trying to find a reason to get INTO my apartment for MONTHS after I told him that he’s not allowed in my home EVER AGAIN. Yet he still kept trying to find reasons to come to my front door. I told him I’d leave his stuff at the front office so he wouldn’t have a reason to get through the gate but argued with me that I was being “irresponsible” for not giving him the stuff he left here back. Not to mention he didn’t even SAY anything about it until 3 months after he left and when he found out I was flying out to Texas to hang out with my new boyfriend. Clearly he didn’t care about his stuff THAT much if he NEVER SAID ANYTHING FOR THREE MONTHS. But yet, I’m the bad guy. As always. Okay. Makes sense. I guess.

But apparently now he’s telling my roommate that I did nothing around the apartment we lived in together (even though all he did was complain, trash the place and failed to do the only TWO chores I ever asked him — take out the trash and clean the cat liter), didn’t pay rent, didn’t pay bills, didn’t buy groceries, didn’t even pay for his own gas even though he was the one working (4 hours a day for 4 days a week but whatever) because I was too hopped up on drugs all the time.

Uhm… what drugs?

I’ve never been prescribed Xanax. I never had Zoloft in that apartment and the only thing I had was a bottle of Colozopam that I couldn’t even find until after I moved out of that apartment. But apparently those two drugs make you into a zombie that makes it so that you lay around doing nothing, right? Yeah, that’s TOTALLY what those two drugs do. I don’t see where people get their info from considering it’s not from doctors and they don’t give a shit enough to Google things. They just make up some sort of excuse or reason for things and RUN WITH IT into a fuckin wall because it makes no damn sense.

To which my roommate countered saying that I finish her laundry for her and fold her pants for her when I put them in her laundry bin when they’re done and place them in her room, I clean the kitchen, I make sure the cats have food and water, I do the dishes when she works too much and try and make sure the place is as clean as my anxiety allows me to.

Thanks Harmony <3.

To which he had no response for.

He also dared to say he missed my cat Sophie and how much he loved her. Except he would grab his cat Jane by her neck (I wouldn’t call what he did scruffing because she was clearly yelping for help), throw her on the couch and scream at her when she did any little bad thing.

But I. FREAKIN. GUESS.

I know I shouldn’t let it bother me. People will always pick and choose things about you to say to other people to make you look bad and them look good. Doesn’t mean it’s true. And even if they do tell others, the people who KNOW YOU (and the people who should MATTER) know better and know the real story. So the fact he’s going around saying things like that shouldn’t matter. Everyone knows what I do and what I don’t do. I don’t need to justify or defend myself. Not to mention he’ll tell anyone who listens that his mom has a “severe mental illness” when in reality she has anxiety and she just keeps to herself.

You can tell a lot about a person by what they say about their mama.

My blogs and social media are a timeline of my every day life. Go ahead, tell people this and that. But that’s not what the time stamps on my social media say.

Fuckin idiot.