blogging

Hello Spring!

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[credit: google images]

It’s the first day of Spring!

I wish I could be super excited and all happy and cheerful but my roommates boyfriend is here, again.

Anyway, Spring is one of my favorite seasons even if the allergens hit you like a ton of freakin bricks all the time. And even if my eyes get all weirdly puffy here in Florida. But the sun is usually out and the rain doesn’t come for another few months. The weather starts to warm up and who can resist pretty pastel’s everywhere and Easter decor and prepping around the corner?

I always tell myself “when I move next time I’ll deck out my place and I’ll do this and that” and it never happens.

So I’m debating if I should say it this time too or not.

But still here’s to hoping that next Spring I’ll deck my place out and decorate a bit better for Spring; especially since I’ll be living alone with just me and Sophie bear.

 

What do you mean..? When you nod your head yes but you wanna say no..

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Apparently my four year anniversary with this blog was two days ago.

Wow, four years. That’s insane. SO MUCH has changed in those four years. Changed as far as blog posts I post, things I talk about, how often I blog and pretty much everything in my personal life is completely upside down.

Life has a funny way of being funny. Which in reality, life isn’t very funny at all (I’m not laughing). I’ve done a lot of dumb shit in my life and I’ve been through some dumber than dumb shit but this one HAS to take the whole fuckin cake. My ex husband let me know a week ago that he’s dating the girl who ruined our marriage. I knew he was stupid but wow. Ironically this isn’t something surprising as it seems that all my other friends who divorced their high school sweetheart (and there’s a handful of us) is experiencing the same exact thing I am.

Just when you thought you couldn’t feel any MORE betrayed.

It can always be worse.

So yeah, I’m fighting blimps of anxiety here and there. I’ve been so stressed out with all these remaining balances that even though have nothing to do with me I’m still somehow responsible for because my ex husband is a worthless piece of shit that never cared enough to help at all. Most selfish person I know. Maybe not MOST but he’s pretty up there.

In other news I’ve gone back to playing with makeup. The fact that I have a vanity encourages that. I also have a super cute set up. I just need to put things away and figure out where I want things to go. Find a matching dresser, a matching bed frame, and a nightstand and I’ll be all set. I’m hoping to get all this together before Christmas. Just because I don’t dig this in progress shit. I want my place to feel like home… NOW.

Nick and I went ahead and grabbed one of those scent pot things from Yankee Candle. The mess free, fire free wax melter things. We were SO impressed with our starter kit (which is now in my room) that we bought a bigger one for the living room decor that lights up and has a timer. It’s a nice touch and provides a pop to the living room. It’s pretty cozy! I’m heavily debating getting one for the bathroom too just because Sophie (my cat) stinks up the bathroom worse than the humans. That’s pretty bad lol.

 

IMG_8610Urban Decay Shadow Box with Flash & Black out on lids MAC Heroine ELF Ravishing Rose Sephora Raspberry Punch on lips.

Another thing I’m obsessed with is this MAC lipstick that Nick picked out for me. It’s a rich plum purple color in MATTE (two very scary things) called Heroine. I fuckin LOVE it. It really flatters my skin tone. Today I mixed it with an ELF lippie in Ravishing Rose and a Sephora lip gloss in Raspberry Punch that Nick also picked out to layer on top of the Heroine lippie and I like it. It’s very glossy but not sticky at all and it’s actually kinda moisturizing. I’m enjoying playing with makeup and colors again. Waiting for my hair to grow out because I’m not feeling short hair anymore. It’s harder to style and I have baby monkey hair that’s just not cute. Even if I flat iron it.

 

Julep Nail Color in Darby

 

Another thing I’m obsessed with? Julep nail polishes! I know, I know, I’ve been a Maven subscriber for years now and I’m just NOW actually using their polishes?! Why yes, yes that’s true. I started off by using their eyeliner and their lipstick and I fell IN LOVE! So I figured why not try their polishes too? Darby is one of my favorites. It’s a black/dark green base polish with green and gold flecks in it. I’m not going to say it’s glitter because it’s not chunky like glitter is but it does have a nice shimmer! Julep polishes also are easy to remove, don’t stain your nails and they dry fairly quickly. I’ve noticed with the non shimmer shades it takes a few coats for it to turn opaque but I guess that can go for any polish company…  the polishes like Darby however are opaque after one coat. I’m grabbing lots of darker colors and plum colors now since Fall is right around the corner and I’m SO excited!

 

I’m a blogger with no creativity

Guys, I’m gonna be real with you. Nitch blogging is no joke. It’s hard ass work. Sure at first when you’re all inspired and excited and see all the great things you’ll talk about out there it seems as easy as frosting an out of the box cupcake but then you hit the point where you’re just stumped. All the time.

I started blogging in 1999 when my mom finally agreed to let me sign up for AOL. Oh those dial-tones, they were a sound from the heavens! Honestly I started blogging because my mom didn’t know how to use the internet and she wouldn’t quit reading my handwritten journals. I was in high school by then — a freshmen, I had a lot of very private thoughts mom. Geez.

But back then it wasn’t called “blogging”. It was just called, you know, “writing in my online journal”. I started with OpenDiary (which is still up and wanna know a really really embarrassing secret? Only because if there’s anything I love more than food it’s sharing my embarrassing secrets. I blogged about the first time I did it. And I still go back to that very public entry and read it over and over and wow. Just wow.) along with TeenOpenDiary then moved on to DeadJournal, LiveJournal (back when you needed an invite code), Xanga, and various other places that didn’t make it. I miss CrazyLife and GreatestJournal the most.

Pretty much my whole fucked up teen-hood is publicly displayed online on one or two blogs. I regret nothing.

It wasn’t until 2009 I started nitch blogging mainly because by then no one cared about reading other peoples feelings. Even “lifestyle” blogs now that talk about their day/week is still considered a nitch blog. And I really got into makeup — finally. A little TOO into makeup actually. But I loved beauty blogging. I loved keeping up with the trends, playing with makeup and finding the products that worked well for me. It was a lot of fun but it was expensive and it got boring after awhile. So in 2010 I started a book blog and I’ve stuck with that ever since. Reading has always been a passion of mine growing up. I’ve always wanted to be an author and I can’t tell you why I’m not yet.

And now I have a ton of nitch blogs which is what I’m taking a break from right now because I’m stumped. The thing about nitch blogging is yeah, you can find a lot of things to write/review but to set your blog aside from everyone else in your category? Well that’s hard. Finding a way to build a foundation of loyal viewers (this goes for both blogging and YouTube) is a challenge and it takes a lot of hard work. Creating and keeping up with weekly features even though you have nothing to write for it? Hard. I’m not new to this, I’ve done this many many times but even now, I don’t know how to network my new blogs. I don’t know how to even start. I’m kinda just… lost.

The most I can do is put out good content at a steady pace and hope that someone thinks I’m witty enough to want to stick around.

The great thing about writing and blogging is that you’re always learning. There’s always something new to learn. Some new technique to try. And while this can be a frustrating and sometimes disgusting journey, I think that’s the best part — constantly learning.

NaBloPoMo 2012 | Day 2

So I thought of combining Day 1 & Day 2 since I didn’t write the response to yesterday’s question so yeah, let’s do that.

Day 1 — Tell us your favorite quotation and why

 “To live is to suffer. To survive is to find the meaning in the suffering.”

My favorite quote comes from the intro to the song “Slippin” by DMX. Life growing up was rough for me. I dealt with depression, low self esteem and crazy intense suicidal thoughts from the time I was 13 until I was about 21. I had my reasons and they were awful ones. Most of things I’ve forced myself to forget at this point. But that quote just stuck with me when things went from bad to worse and I knew in order to survive, I had to find the meaning in the suffering. Maybe I have, maybe I haven’t. Maybe it depends on the situation but it was just something to keep me going. And even now that I’m “better” (in some aspects and worse in others) I still keep this quote with me.

Day 2 — If you could live anywhere, where would it be?

Wow, if I could live anywhere? There are several places I would chose. New York would be cool. Broadway, good food, city lights, Manhattan, Times Square, snow! And of course the big six publishing houses! I mean what isn’t there to love about NY? Or Los Angeles with its beaches and shopping area’s. Or Paris! I would love to live in Paris, I’m convinced there’s magic in the air there. Or even London. That would be awesome.

But if I had to pick just one place? It would definitely be Paris! Macrons and cute French pastries, the culinary adventure, exploring the city, exploring the countryside, the fashion, the cobblestone walkways, the rich history, oh and being surrounded by the hypnotizing language of French! Seriously, what could be better?!

It’s funny because I asked M if I had one place I could live where would I want to live and he instantly said “Paris!” and I was like “how did you know?” and he was like “you’re my wife, duh” lol! At least if I drag him to Paris it would be no surprise! Even though I mentioned I want our “real” wedding there!

Hello November!

I hope everyone had a fantastic and safe Halloween yesterday!

I spent the day at home… doing homework. Same thing I’ve been doing the last two Halloween’s. We did however get a bit of trick-or-treaters this year. So yay for not having a ton of leftover candy! We were the only house on our block that had lights on though, which is strange. Since I’ve gotten older, there hasn’t been many kids in our area anymore. Always kind of sad, Halloween use to be a busy holiday around here! And now I’m here doing homework, still while waiting for my other team members to get online so we can discuss our upcoming team assignment which is due in a few days. But no one’s showing up and they’re 14mins late. Ugh.

Totally off subject but I’ve been craving Rocky Road ice cream from Baskin Robbins for what feels like forever!

November can be a busy month. In addition to prepping for the holidays it’s also NaNoWriMo (National Writing Month — or something) where you write 1,700 words everyday to write a rough draft of a manuscript. You know, if writing a novel is your kind of thing… and it’s also NaBloPoMo (National Blogging Month — or something lol). So in addition to finishing up this last (hopefully) class, I’m doing NaNoWriMo (3rd year!) and I think I’ll be doing NaBloPoMo too. Mainly because I’m disappointed with the lack of posts I had up on here for October and I feel like I don’t write enough.

So yes, there’s my November. Let’s hope it’s a smooth one!

Are any of you participating in NaNoWriMo or NaBloPoMo?

Nitch Blogging

It’s so strange that if I’m not nitch blogging, I don’t know what else to write about. Which is strange since I’ve been blogging since 1999, way before blogging was even a word or a thing and before nitch blogging was even around really.

In high school blogging was an outlet. Somewhere I could write about my day and my feelings without my mom breaking into my diary or people I knew in real life reading about the crap that bothered me (only to bully me about it later) and so I kept blogging all through out high school. It was like, my thing.

But now a days people don’t blog their feelings. Sometimes they blog their days (but not without pictures) but it’s not the same as before…

I’m trying to break out of this though. I want to go back to writing about my day or what I felt or thought because this — blogging — is my therapy and sometimes I feel like I’m way overdue for a session. But I do love nitch blogging. I love my book blog and I love reviewing things and talking about products or books or movies that get me excited. And sometimes I don’t want to talk about personal things because I’m still stuck in that place where I think anything personal said about myself will be used against me and honestly the internet these days make it so much easier to stalk people than ten years ago.

But it’s fall and the weather is getting colder and I know I’ll have those really strong urges to just talk and I know that even though this is my blog, I don’t have to explain myself but I think I’m kind of more reminding myself that this is MY blog and that I CAN write whatever I want in it. So hopefully I remember that as the months get colder.

Just a bunch of words

So last night/this morning as usual I read until 4am then got ready for bed. I usually get ready for bed at 3 but lately it’s been 4. My goal this month is to be IN BED by 1am. This is going to be impossible considering 3am has been my bedtime for the last 6 years (insomnia sucks). So I fall asleep for about half an hour. But the whole half hour I’m “asleep” I’m convincing myself I don’t need to be that bad to the point where I really have to get out of bed. It didn’t work out, I ended up caving and going to the bathroom.

After that I pretty much stared at the wall — in the dark — for about 3hrs unable to sleep. I’d close my eyes, cover my head with the blanket, M even tried to cuddle me to sleep. Nothing was working so at about 10am I decided to just give up and get up.

We went to get breakfast (something that NEVER happens) and went out to a cute plaza we discovered back in January to go for a stroll. Which was fun, but on the way home (this place is about half an hour away on a freeway) that’s when our drowsy started to kick in. Now we’re home and wide awake. Again.

This has never really happened. Where I simply just cannot sleep at all. There are times I’ve forced myself to stay up for 24hrs due to you know, work and stuff but I’ve never just stayed awake for no reason. It’s driving me nuts. I WANT TO GO TO SLEEP. But like I said, I’m wiiiiiiiiiiide awake right now. Ughhh.

~~~~~~~~~~

In other news, while I was making dinner last night Chammy decided to sit behind me on the kitchen table and cry the whole time. Her and her saddest eyes! But I wasn’t going to feed her hot soup that she probably can’t digest anyway. Poor thing, I hate hearing her cry even if it is just for attention.

Autumn is coming QUICK and I’m not prepared for any of my crafts yet. But I will be hopefully during this week. I think I’m going to use this weekend to tidy up and sort things before I run out of time and end up sad.

I got all my book reviews set for the month of September. Whoohoo! I’ve never been this far ahead before. Gotta say, feels good (:

Now I just have to get started on my October challenge reads (I do this every year). I’m pretty excited… like I am every October lol. The only problem now is picking which books to read since I have so many!

I’ve been hunting down Limited Edition makeup and that’s never fun. But I did manage to find the Alice in Wonderland EOS lip balm trio! I’m so excited! Now waiting for ELF’s Villains palettes!

I’ll have pictures in my next post. I’m going to lay down and read or something in hopes that it’ll put me to sleep…

 

 

 

I just feel like talking… or typing…

So right now I’m having Costco’s Turkey Swiss rolls for dinner with pretzel’s and a Cherry Pepsi. I’d be drinking apple juice instead… if I still had any. I’ve been trying to eat healthy and it’s becoming much more easier these days. Not sure when was the last time I had fast food actually, so that’s always a good thing, right? Now if only I could kick soda… I did good for about a month but I don’t know, I cracked down again. I need to be better at this. But it’s so hot lately! Nothing really feels better than a cold soda on a hot summer night!

I just finished another NetGalley book. I have like 4 NetGalley review to write. I need to be better at reading/reviewing things from NetGalley or my stats will be off and publishers won’t trust me. I’m already a little irritated that my book blog page rank went down a point and my page views are down by 2k this month. It’s not that I haven’t been posting content either so I don’t know. Maybe it’s just an off month. Everyone’s getting ready to go back to school *shrug* or maybe I just suck and no one likes me.

I read and reviewed a self published book recently. I don’t really do that often even though I buy a lot of them. There’s nothing wrong with self pubs really, just that they’re sometimes annoying when they pitch things to you over and over and don’t bother to even address you by your name. But there’s a lot of great self pubbed books to be discovered too!

I owed St. Martin’s a review like a week or two ago and I haven’t finished the book. Wahhh. Also need to finish two Amazon Vine books by Thursday… double wahhh.

Aside from that I need to tidy the room, pick up my Mario 3DS pre-order from GameStop, outline my two new projects, work on making witch hats, learn to crochet and look up some more stuff on making top hats.

The kittens are okay, I just wish I could help take better care of them. Chocolate has been scratching the side of his face raw and he has a bunch of scabs and missing fur. Dunno what’s going on there.

Things are stressful and I hate it. I can’t relax, I can’t sleep, I can’t stop the headaches. My anxiety is higher than ever in the last two years. I just don’t know how to really deal right now besides taking NyQuil and at the moment I can’t even do that. I don’t know what relaxes me anymore. Not much of anything. I wish Wicked was still around, that never failed to relax me. I just want a different life. And it’s so hard to get being here. I can’t find a job or anything. This place sucks. Can’t even get gas without people trying to bum money off you every single day. I don’t think there’s been a time we’ve went to get gas without someone begging for money. It’s ridic. You need change? I need change. I can’t even afford gas! Get out of my face! Ugh.

*sigh.

 

 

 

Steady Saturday

M found this new game on PSN called Dungeon Defenders and had me play the demo with him. I love how most games he tries on PSN, he puts into consideration if I’d like them too and he finds all these games for us to play together. I liked it, it kinda reminds me of StarCraft a very very little bit because I have to build things that shoot out and cover them with walls lol. But it’s a really cute game!

I’m super groggy right now but feeling pretty relaxed like I can just sit and read for an hour or two, haven’t had that feeling in awhile!!

I have to get my slides in for the presentation on Tuesday by tomorrow night. Lucky enough for me I’m doing just the intro and the conclusion so I don’t really have to pull information for any of my slides. We had a Learning Team meeting yesterday and it went… well. I was a little distracted by The Food Channel that was on in the student lounge kitchen but I offered bits and pieces here and there. I have to talk myself into being more confident during my presentations, which is HARD! We have a LT member who is kinda… MIA a lot I guess you could say. He actually showed up though, so that was a surprise. Really, it was. I still have to the rest of my chapter terms which is going to suck since I’m only half way done with chapter 1 and we have 4 other chapters to do them on. Ughhh!

Going to do some work on my food blog today that I’m excited to launch. Gotta work on my other food blog too and a few of my other blogs. Hopefully my relaxed feeling will encourage me to be productive and not unproductive.

For the most part, I’m hoping today in all will be relaxing (:

You always say the words I love to hear…

It’s been a pretty stressful and bitchy week for both M and I. Sometimes it’s comforting to know that your husband can read you like a book, but sometimes it feels like someone is invading your private thoughts and feelings. Mostly when I did something wrong and I try to hide it and well, I’m caught but I haven’t said anything yet.

Maybe this is TMI (Too Much Information) but hey, it’s my blog and if you know me at all, you know I’m all about telling you TMI. But it warms my heart when I’m sad about something and M hugs me and tells me he just wants to make love to me, look me in the eyes and tell me how much he loves me. ♥

I’m working really hard to sustain myself in this class — religion. Not exactly a class to jump for joy for, but I can’t deny that I’m having a ton of fun. The teacher is pretty funny and awesome. He makes religion really fun and that’s good, because it’s not a fun subject. Not even a little bit. Well, it can be if you were learning about something other than Jews and Jesus and such. Especially when you dropped that particular religion yourself years ago. So, yeah. That’s pretty much where I stand with that one…

Other personal things have been stressing me out lately, and it’s so weird that I worded it like that. Mostly because back in the day (when NO ONE was on the internet) I would blog everything I was thinking. No matter how personal and now I’m all “other personal things” like what the hell is that about? But I guess that’s the progression of the internet.

Anyway, I guess vaguely talking about isn’t really “letting it out” therefore it probably won’t really help me feel better. And I’m sure a year from now I’ll be like “and what the fuck are you referring to?!” but it’s all good. I just, don’t know. Feel like putting an extra protection spell around my already ridiculously high wall. Every time I feel a little unsure, I feel myself change. I don’t know exactly what I mean when I say that, but I feel a shift. A tilt. I remind myself to guard myself better. Is that sad? I guess it is. I’m a pretty open book, an open person and I’m starting to learn that I need to stop. No one can hurt me if they don’t know me.

In other news, I personally think that girls shouldn’t be leaders in video games… EVER. Maybe that’s an extreme comment, but we make horrible leaders. Sure we could start out all for being a strong leader but when you take a girl and put her in a league/linkshell/guild full of boys, she’s going to get… psycho. For lack of better word. Bottom line, it’s really bad juju for a leader to ninja loot her own friend/league member for any reason. You’re a LEADER. Not only that, but, I really could go on forever about this. But girls likethat give girls who actually do play video games sensibly a really, really, really bad name.

Also, how do you get mad cause someone you like on a VIDEO GAME has been MARRIED in REAL LIFE for the last TWO YEARS? I mean, come on, really? Maybe you need to get out the house more. Just because this game is real life for you doesn’t mean it’s real life for other people. Grow up. But it’s cool, keep making him mad, you’re THISCLOSE to no coming back and that’s the fun part. He doesn’t snap often (or at all) but when he does, it’s pure entertainment. For me at least. Hah!

I’ve been thinking about the things that matter lately. After two years of book blogging, I don’t know how I feel about it. And I hate to say that, because reading has always been my thing. But I guess it’s like how all the other bloggers who get there say. When you start getting flooded with ARC’s, with pitches, with one too many that there isn’t enough time for all of them + the rest of life, it gets tiring. It starts to feel like a job and not a hobby. I need to step back and think about this. I still want to do it, I still love reading an amazing book. I still want to share my thoughts. I still want to talk about books with people who love them too… but with life and school, it’s a little hard to do that lately.

Anyone who actually talks to me knows how much I love food. It’s no secret really. If you’re on my Facebook or if you follow me on Instagram or Twitter, it’s not really a secret. I’m one of those people who take a picture of their food before they eat it… every single time. Over the years I’ve had food blogs, but I never really knew what to do with them or where to go with them. I can’t deny that food has always been a strong passion of mine. It’s just now that I want to do something with that. I first started my first food blog when I was in culinary school and when I dropped, I moved to other food things, but I just never really took it seriously. I was suppose to start a food blog when I was working at Disney, I have the pictures… just not the exact memories anymore. I didn’t have a lot of time back then to focus on it. I wanted to start a cooking blog when I moved out too, but the stuff I made wasn’t really fantastic or anything. I felt like it was unworthy content, and now I regret not doing that.

But I started a food blog based on places in the SF bay. I’m having trouble updating it but I want to start taking it a little more seriously.

So maybe I will.