Growing up I was in a shit ton of relationships in high school.
In so many in fact that I wasn’t really heartbroken if someone broke up with me because it was on to the next and I think as a kid you’re able to have that sort of mind set when really you should be focusing on graduating high school.
By the time I hit 18 and met my future husband I thought I knew a pretty good amount of shit by then. But as we all know, “love” can make you blind to things. And even when your vision starts to clear up, you’re so damn deep in it you can’t do shit now.
Through out that marriage I learned even more; that people can change even after 12 years of “knowing” them. That people are selfish. That people are cruel. That when someone SHOWS YOU they don’t give a flying fuck about you… BELIEVE THEM THE FIRST TIME. I learned about my worth. About the easy miscommunication between males and females. About picking my battles. About how toxic being jealous can be… to yourself (especially when the other person could honestly give less than a fuck about how you feel). About how to manage and maintain a household… by myself… completely. How to sort and file taxes. How to manage health insurance. How to be 100% responsible for 2 people as if one were your fuckin incompetent child. I learned about mental health and the extremes of my mental illness. I learned how to stop being afraid of being home alone and especially at night. I learned how to meditate.
So you’d think after all of that bullshit for 12 years I’d have even more experience when it came to relationships right?
So very fuckin wrong.
I learned what it was like to be in an abusive relationship. Three times in a row. I learned what it was like when you’re with the wrong person. I learned the dark side of relationships and companionship.
And I’m now realizing that what I learned back then, shouldn’t had happened. Shouldn’t make sense because it doesn’t.
And it’s mind boggling to realize that my entire early adulthood and my first marriage was based and built on a lie and on false grounds. As if it shouldn’t had even existed.
It wasn’t until I jumped into this relationship with Bubba nearly 2 years ago (today next month actually is our 2 year anniversary \o/) that I realized I don’t know what being in a REAL relationship was like! I’ve always dreamt of the relationships you see on TV or in movies where they guy totally respects his girl and how he WANTS to do nice things for her, how he WANTS to make her life easier and always wondered if guys like that were even REAL. I always dreamt of someone saying “hey get dressed, I’m taking you on a date” or someone who actually celebrates holidays and anniversaries. And I remember being married and thinking I’ll never be taken out on a date. I’ll never get flowers. I’ll never have a REAL anniversary celebration and just forcing myself to deal with it.
There are some things I don’t like about Bubba. I don’t like that he’ll be quick to tell me about myself lol but I’m an Aries, we don’t like it in general. I don’t like that he won’t fight for our relationship. Meaning, if I decide to leave he’ll let me go; I’m not gonna lie… sometimes I get emotionally impulsive and sometimes I’ll break up with someone to see if they still care. Though to be fair, I haven’t pulled that shit on him in the last 2 years (and sometimes I’m still learning who I am).
But in the last 2 years, he’s taught me so much more than I ever thought I could learn, I suppose. He’s exposed me to what a relationship should be like and despite almost it being 2 years it still blows my mind. His kindness. His thoughtfulness. His compassion. His patience. All of it. It still sometimes takes me by surprise how kind he is to me. The things he does for me without skipping a beat. How much he cares that I’m comfortable and calm and how hard he works to make sure I am. He’s re-taught me it’s okay to communicate… that you SHOULD communicate. That my burdens don’t have to be mine to carry alone. That compromise can work and can be achieved. That you’ll meet someone who WANTS to take care of you AS MUCH as they’re capable of.
He’s shown me what it REALLY is like to have your significant other be your best friend. What it’s like to have an s/o who respects you and who will WANT to defend you against anyone who has something bad to say about you. No matter how small. That despite what others have said about me, I am worthy of being loved.
He’s taught me so much about what it’s like to be in a healthy and happy relationship. That you’re not suppose to have really good days and really awful days. That fights happen but you shouldn’t go to bed still holding on to the hurt.
And it’s crazy to think this guy who’s a good amount of younger than me and has never really had a long term relationship is capable of teaching me things I thought I had already known. Is capable of showing me something new ALL THE TIME. Is capable of showing not just respect to me but to my family as well. He’s given me everything I never thought I would have or have the chance to experience.
He fills every hollow void in my soul and I’m just having one of those moments when you sit back and thing damn.