It’s so crazy to think another week of October is down! I’ve only finished 2 books this month so far and I’m still struggling through Winter. But the books I had intended to read for my October Challenge haven’t exactly been read yet and I’m trying my best to not feel like a failure. Trying. Really hard.
The months are getting colder, which is exciting!
And the weather has been perfect here in Texas. I’ve missed real Fall’s!
Let’s pretend today’s Sunday, yeah?
This weekend was… kinda awful and anxiety inducing. Actually the whole week kinda was. I’ve had issues with bugs making their way into MY BEDROOM which is not cool; I hate bugs. Like, I hate them, they scare the shit out of me. I had 2 roaches, a random beetle and TWO FUCKIN WASPS make their way into MY BEDROOM. Apparently there was a gap or something in my window frame that was allowing them to come in. Like, what the fuck. Which is weird because I live on the THIRD FLOOR and I’ve been here for ELEVEN MONTHS and I’m just now having this problem?! Like, what changed? Wtf? It’s so weird and crazy! Like, WASPS? REALLY? What are they doing this close to a building? There’s no tree’s in front of my window. There’s nothing, it’s just a freakin parking lot out there so I’m totally confused. Anyway, maintenance came and fixed it but I feel like it’s not totally fixed, but I’m also paranoid, so there’s that.
And June is officially here.
Meaning I officially need to start packing.
I do this to myself every year, and I’m sobbing on the inside.
I know I’m suppose to be doing my weekly recap but this week has just been… kinda awful.
My apartment has been taken over by fruit flies? House flies? I don’t even know but they’re fuckin everywhere and driving me fuckin nuts. My roommate left banana’s to rot on the counter and it attracted what feels like a whole planet of them. They’re all over my kitchen, living room and a good handful in my room.
I hate bugs in my home.
I HATE THEM.
It makes my OCD go CRAZY.
It makes my anxiety act up.
And now I’m dealing with the physical side effects of it all.
And I just want to cry. I just want to bury my head under my pillow, under my blankets and just SOB until I CANT BREATHE ANYMORE.
That might sound dramatic but you tell me how you’d feel when it feels like EVERY SINGLE NERVE YOU HAVE is on edge and you just feel like trashing the whole place and sobbing because your anxiety is driving you fuckin nuts.
I try SO HARD to keep this place as clean as I can and as bug free as I can. I pay SO MUCH damn money for this place and it just ANNOYS me when things like this happen. I’ve incredibly anal about keeping things tidy and prompt and clean and THIS is why I didn’t want a roommate. This is why I NEVER want one. Because I KNOW I can be anal about these things and I know I want things done MY WAY so why bother with disappointment and other people when I already KNOW these things about myself?
I wish I just had moved back to WC. I wish I had never left Orlando in the first place. And I can wish that — a million times for a million days but it’s not going to bring back, replace or erase the things that have already happened and the stupid choices I had already made.
I can sit here and wish that THAT year and a half NEVER HAPPENED as hard as I want to but had it not had happened I would had never found the friends and family I had found on FFXIV. I would had never found Penny. I would had never found the strength I do have now because of it. Despite the price it cost me.
I’m just so upset and so sad right now.
I try so hard to keep this place as clean and as bug free as I can.
I try so hard to keep things tidy within what my anxiety lets me.
I feel like falling apart right now.
I know it’s not my fault and all this and that but it is MY HOME and even if people can’t do their part there’s no sense in getting mad at them or yelling at them about it. It’s just sad that they can’t.
On top of that Nick said earlier this week that he was going to bring my camera and drop it off at the front desk. He hadn’t said anything all week and so I text him today about it and he asks when am I gonna be home then he says that he didn’t bring it and he didn’t drive down to Orlando himself.
THEN WHY DID YOU ASK WHEN I’LL BE HOME. WHY COULDN’T YOU SAY YOU WEREN’T GONNA BE ABLE TO BRING IT THIS WEEKEND AHEAD OF TIME.
WHY ARE PEOPLE SO UGH.
I’m gonna go take a hot bath and try to chill the fuck out for the rest of the night.