Are always pretty fragile to begin with, no matter how old you are. In some cases you find yourself walking on eggshells just to keep those friends. And the older you get, the better of an understanding you get when it comes to people, patterns and friendships. Which are worth holding on to, what it’s like to have ones that will ride or die for and with you, and the ones that seem to only be there when it benefits them.
There’s no solid blue print as to who is what. And at this point of my life I understand that as time passes, as life progresses, as experience hit us; we are capable of any direction of change. You could think you KNOW someone for a decade and be COMPLETELY utterly wrong. People can change for any reason at any time they choose to. People can outgrow other people. Could want to change their circle, their life, their direction and that could mean that you’re not part of that plan. And there’s seriously nothing wrong with that: find the people YOU vibe with.
I’ve never played the shit game of you’re-my-friend-so-you-cant-be-their-friend. If I stop being friends with someone I want it to be because I 100% decided to ON MY OWN. I don’t like ANYONE ELSE, no matter WHO they are, influencing who I choose to be friends with. I’ve dealt with enough loss in my life to know better than to get attached to anyone.
That’s not to say losing friends sucks any less cause sometimes it really really does and sometimes, you could lose a 2 year friendship and not even bat any eyelash.
In the years I was on FFXI I made several friends in 2004 who I’m still friends with today. It seems forming and keeping friendships on FFXIV is very different — then again it seems like the object of this game is very different as well. So perhaps that plays a bit of a part here.
I’m tired of being the villain in DUDES stories. I’m tired of being the back up friend, the second thought, yet they feel they’re entitled to play the victim. And it’s a wonder why I don’t care much to make friends, to entertain others or to even seek out relationships.
What’s the point of it all?
At the end of the day I still prefer my own company filled with music, books and pretty food. I’ve never been afraid to go to the movies alone or take myself on a date or a day of Disney park hopping. I’ve done most things up until this point by myself. So much that I feel awkward when I have to endure company because I like bouncing around all over the place without reason. I love massive amounts of freedom. And I like being with my own thoughts.
I don’t make any of this a damn secret either, so why do people expect something else from me? I don’t NEED anyone’s company, ever. I WANT certain people’s company. But you can’t tell a girl who’s moved across the country and jumped states that they need you. That seems like a long shot, don’t you think?
I’ll never beg for someone’s friendship nor their company. If you feel like my company and friendship is disposable, don’t worry. I’ll believe you the first time.
But if making me the villain, just like how you make everyone else when majority of your problems could be prevented if you would just keep your mouth shut — then go off. Whatever helps you sleep at night. Whatever convinces you, to yourself, that you’re a “decent” person. Just know I refuse to play a part in any of it. You’re on your own.
Forget I ever existed, kthx.