Hello

If Only…

Pregnancy isn’t fun.

I’m not having fun.

But I’m very thankful the first trimester is over. I am very thankful the morning sickness has let up. I’m very thankful that there isn’t much ligament pain or stretching of the skin pain or very much cramping these days.

However; the headaches are still in full force. The discomfort is still (and I assume will always) is still there. Feeling like a turtle on its back every time I have to get out of bed is still a thing. Oh and having to pee 3-5 times a night is now a thing. And one new thing that happened this week was that I have so weird break out happening on the left side of my forehead, cheek, eyebrow and nose. I feel like they’re mosquito bites but at this point with side effects and hormones and such who the hell even knows anymore.

I am just thankful I can eat (almost) anything I want without throwing up my entire soul.

Continue reading “If Only…”

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Recap

Weekly Recap; July 23rd – July 29th

I’m trying to get back in the habit of doing these, so… yeah.

The weeks feel like I’m spending them waiting for my bed. Waiting for my vanity. Waiting to put my room together. JUST WAITING.

I had an interesting weekend though, so.

Continue reading “Weekly Recap; July 23rd – July 29th”

Reflecting

He’s a brainless, heartless, coward.

Friendships.

Are always pretty fragile to begin with, no matter how old you are. In some cases you find yourself walking on eggshells just to keep those friends. And the older you get, the better of an understanding you get when it comes to people, patterns and friendships. Which are worth holding on to, what it’s like to have ones that will ride or die for and with you, and the ones that seem to only be there when it benefits them.

There’s no solid blue print as to who is what. And at this point of my life I understand that as time passes, as life progresses, as experience hit us; we are capable of any direction of change. You could think you KNOW someone for a decade and be COMPLETELY utterly wrong. People can change for any reason at any time they choose to. People can outgrow other people. Could want to change their circle, their life, their direction and that could mean that you’re not part of that plan. And there’s seriously nothing wrong with that: find the people YOU vibe with.

I’ve never played the shit game of you’re-my-friend-so-you-cant-be-their-friend. If I stop being friends with someone I want it to be because I 100% decided to ON MY OWN. I don’t like ANYONE ELSE, no matter WHO they are, influencing who I choose to be friends with. I’ve dealt with enough loss in my life to know better than to get attached to anyone.

That’s not to say losing friends sucks any less cause sometimes it really really does and sometimes, you could lose a 2 year friendship and not even bat any eyelash.

In the years I was on FFXI I made several friends in 2004 who I’m still friends with today. It seems forming and keeping friendships on FFXIV is very different — then again it seems like the object of this game is very different as well. So perhaps that plays a bit of a part here.

I’m tired of being the villain in DUDES stories. I’m tired of being the back up friend, the second thought, yet they feel they’re entitled to play the victim. And it’s a wonder why I don’t care much to make friends, to entertain others or to even seek out relationships.

What’s the point of it all?

At the end of the day I still prefer my own company filled with music, books and pretty food. I’ve never been afraid to go to the movies alone or take myself on a date or a day of Disney park hopping. I’ve done most things up until this point by myself. So much that I feel awkward when I have to endure company because I like bouncing around all over the place without reason. I love massive amounts of freedom. And I like being with my own thoughts.

I don’t make any of this a damn secret either, so why do people expect something else from me? I don’t NEED anyone’s company, ever. I WANT certain people’s company. But you can’t tell a girl who’s moved across the country and jumped states that they need you. That seems like a long shot, don’t you think?

I’ll never beg for someone’s friendship nor their company. If you feel like my company and friendship is disposable, don’t worry. I’ll believe you the first time.

But if making me the villain, just like how you make everyone else when majority of your problems could be prevented if you would just keep your mouth shut — then go off. Whatever helps you sleep at night. Whatever convinces you, to yourself, that you’re a “decent” person. Just know I refuse to play a part in any of it. You’re on your own.

Forget I ever existed, kthx.

Reflecting

On relationships… and learning

Growing up I was in a shit ton of relationships in high school.

In so many in fact that I wasn’t really heartbroken if someone broke up with me because it was on to the next and I think as a kid you’re able to have that sort of mind set when really you should be focusing on graduating high school.

By the time I hit 18 and met my future husband I thought I knew a pretty good amount of shit by then. But as we all know, “love” can make you blind to things. And even when your vision starts to clear up, you’re so damn deep in it you can’t do shit now.

Through out that marriage I learned even more; that people can change even after 12 years of “knowing” them. That people are selfish. That people are cruel. That when someone SHOWS YOU they don’t give a flying fuck about you… BELIEVE THEM THE FIRST TIME. I learned about my worth. About the easy miscommunication between males and females. About picking my battles. About how toxic being jealous can be… to yourself (especially when the other person could honestly give less than a fuck about how you feel). About how to manage and maintain a household… by myself… completely. How to sort and file taxes. How to manage health insurance. How to be 100% responsible for 2 people as if one were your fuckin incompetent child. I learned about mental health and the extremes of my mental illness. I learned how to stop being afraid of being home alone and especially at night. I learned how to meditate.

So you’d think after all of that bullshit for 12 years I’d have even more experience when it came to relationships right?

Wrong.

So very fuckin wrong.

I learned what it was like to be in an abusive relationship. Three times in a row. I learned what it was like when you’re with the wrong person. I learned the dark side of relationships and companionship.

And I’m now realizing that what I learned back then, shouldn’t had happened. Shouldn’t make sense because it doesn’t.

And it’s mind boggling to realize that my entire early adulthood and my first marriage was based and built on a lie and on false grounds. As if it shouldn’t had even existed.

It wasn’t until I jumped into this relationship with Bubba nearly 2 years ago (today next month actually is our 2 year anniversary \o/) that I realized  I don’t know what being in a REAL relationship was like! I’ve always dreamt of the relationships you see on TV or in movies where they guy totally respects his girl and how he WANTS to do nice things for her, how he WANTS to make her life easier and always wondered if guys like that were even REAL. I always dreamt of someone saying “hey get dressed, I’m taking you on a date” or someone who actually celebrates holidays and anniversaries. And I remember being married and thinking I’ll never be taken out on a date. I’ll never get flowers. I’ll never have a REAL anniversary celebration and just forcing myself to deal with it.

There are some things I don’t like about Bubba. I don’t like that he’ll be quick to tell me about myself lol but I’m an Aries, we don’t like it in general. I don’t like that he won’t fight for our relationship. Meaning, if I decide to leave he’ll let me go; I’m not gonna lie… sometimes I get emotionally impulsive and sometimes I’ll break up with someone to see if they still care. Though to be fair, I haven’t pulled that shit on him in the last 2 years (and sometimes I’m still learning who I am).

But in the last 2 years, he’s taught me so much more than I ever thought I could learn, I suppose. He’s exposed me to what a relationship should be like and despite almost it being 2 years it still blows my mind. His kindness. His thoughtfulness. His compassion. His patience. All of it. It still sometimes takes me by surprise how kind he is to me. The things he does for me without skipping a beat. How much he cares that I’m comfortable and calm and how hard he works to make sure I am. He’s re-taught me it’s okay to communicate… that you SHOULD communicate. That my burdens don’t have to be mine to carry alone. That compromise can work and can be achieved. That you’ll meet someone who WANTS to take care of you AS MUCH as they’re capable of.

He’s shown me what it REALLY is like to have your significant other be your best friend. What it’s like to have an s/o who respects you and who will WANT to defend you against anyone who has something bad to say about you. No matter how small. That despite what others have said about me, I am worthy of being loved.

He’s taught me so much about what it’s like to be in a healthy and happy relationship. That you’re not suppose to have really good days and really awful days. That fights happen but you shouldn’t go to bed still holding on to the hurt.

And it’s crazy to think this guy who’s a good amount of younger than me and has never really had a long term relationship is capable of teaching me things I thought I had already known. Is capable of showing me something new ALL THE TIME. Is capable of showing not just respect to me but to my family as well. He’s given me everything I never thought I would have or have the chance to experience.

He fills every hollow void in my soul and I’m just having one of those moments when you sit back and thing damn.

Hello

Hello October!

IMG_1796

The start of Fall and the start of a string of holiday seasons — the best and most stressful time of the year \o/

My goals list for September failed, as always.

My anxiety has been nagging at me for weeks; ever since I got my stuff finally delivered to me from the move in July. The move, of which I had filed a claim form and they have not responded to in nearly 30 days. What good are moving companies? All they do is screw people over during a very stressful time. And they expect to be treated with respect for over charging and for pulling fuck shit? Lame. Though I’m not sure exactly what this experience has to do with triggering my anxiety for months besides that they lost a bunch of my shit.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother doing these goal lists if I barely ever complete any of them.

~*~

⇢ Read at least 4 books for the October challenge
⇢ Decide/prep which NaNoWriMo project to work on
⇢ Post a weekly vlog for Vlogtober
⇢ Post one additional video a week in the spirit of Fall
⇢ Incorporate Blogtober on both hazearella and stuckinthislife
⇢ Bookstagram fav past October reads
⇢ Make bath bombs
⇢ Tidy makeup area in room
⇢ Tidy closet
⇢ Start purging old/unwanted makeup and clothes
⇢ Try 1 new Ramen place
⇢ Try 1 new Boba flavor
⇢ Tidy TV stand in prep for Christmas
⇢ Tidy living room

I want to post more YouTube videos, I want my room to reflect the perfect vlogger look, I want to do all the things I use to be so passionate about like photography, social media, graphic design and alla that other stuff.

Lately I’ve noticed I’ve been more negative and frustrated and angry and all that does is invite more of those negative vibes into my mind and my life.

I want my room and my apartment to be less cluttered and more zen and I want all of this stuff sorted and put away and a home found for them before November! I want my apartment and room to be ready for Christmas and I want to enjoy as much of it as I can. Because I finally can.

I want to be up to date on my Yelp and Amazon reviews and I want to post more on my food blog.

I’m also planning on changing all my instagram feeds to reflect more of me and my life. I love taking product shots and stuff but I also always wished my photos had more of me in them and not just in terms of selfies but me in the places or me trying the food, you know?

I hate being discouraged and I hate letting myself down, but it seems like lately that’s all I’ve been doing and that needs to change. And if I don’t change it then that change will never happen.

So it’s up to me.

Hello, Travel

Weekly Recap; March 5th – 12th

I’m sleepy. I’ve been sleepy all week. Wth.

Why is everything formatted to the right? Dammit WordPress, if something’s not broken why fix it?!

Now I feel like everything’s backwards.

I’m a little annoyed; Sophie pooped behind the table. So since I was cleaning that shit up I decided to just clean more stuff because why not, I’m already here. I still need to mop my bathroom though, and I will, after I write this post — if I ever finish it.

I’m gonna start with last Sunday (damn it’s been a week already?!); I was in Texas apartment hunting last weekend and I got there on Friday and left on Monday, I’m not gonna recap my whole trip in this post. I already did on my lifestyle blog hazearella and I might do one here, you know, just for me.

But we had brunch at Nerdvana, a cute chic cafe with video games scattered around. It’s in Frisco, TX in case you’re wondering. Our booth had a Super Nintendo with Mario Kart. I realized how shitty I am at playing MK now that I’m use to a joystick and not a d-pad. We kept falling off the stage, Bubba did much better than I did though lol. I had the Crab Cake Benedict and he had The Chicken Melt; both were really good. Maybe some day we’ll actually go for dinner and I’ll try one of their potions (how cute are the things they name their stuff?).

Continue reading “Weekly Recap; March 5th – 12th”