Reflecting

Sometime’s life gives us the hardest lessons…

 

Last Memorial Day weekend the morning sickness of my first pregnancy was kicking my ass and hard. But I had no idea at the time it was morning sickness or that I was pregnant. I wasn’t throwing up, I was just feeling… weird. Like not dizzy but not really well enough to sit up for a long period of time. I’m not really sure how to describe it.

It wasn’t until a week of it progressing, and quickly that I decided to take a pregnancy test. I was pretty sure there wasn’t any way I could BE pregnant but I just felt weird.

Normally, when you get pregnant by someone you’ve been dating for over a year and live with you’d probably assume hope you wouldn’t get the reaction I did.

So I went to take the pregnancy test. I was the first to see it since I was the one who went to check on it, it was boldy positive. And just a huge rush of emotions drowned me. I never wanted kids but I suddenly felt so very protective over it and I actually started crying. No joke, I was crying. I wasn’t sad. That was the surprising part and I wanted to tell my mom so badly. I was actually excited. Scared as fuck, but excited.

He went in after me to check the test.

He didn’t say anything.

He walked out, grabbed his phone and the first thing he said was “we need to find an abortion clinic.”

I don’t need to describe the emotions that came after that statement left his mouth.

He didn’t ask me how I felt. He didn’t ask me how I felt about it. He didn’t even acknowledge my reaction. He blankly walked out of the bathroom and grabbed his phone. That night while I was laying in bed he spammed me with links via text message of abortion clinics he found in our area.

Continue reading “Sometime’s life gives us the hardest lessons…”

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Reflecting

Baby baby, I feel crazy…

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Abuse.

Relationships.

You never think it could happen to you. It could never be you. YOU would never be that stupid; especially if you managed to escape on abusive relationship.

But that’s the thing — you don’t realize you’re in an abusive relationship until that much later and until you feel so stuck you don’t know what to do or where to go.

The healing process is such a sticky stretch of time.

I can say this and that. I can act this way and that way. But sometimes in the middle of the day I’ll be afraid. Afraid to say something, afraid to do something, afraid to suggest something in my current relationship because of how past relationships played out. It’s not that I’m comparing my current relationship to my past ones, it’s just a fear. A fear that was relevant during a long period of time in my life and though I know I’m with someone who cares and who wouldn’t hurt me and who hasn’t hurt me for almost a year now, sometimes I can’t help but still be scared. To still hold back certain things.

Do you remember who you were before people told you who to be?

Sometimes I think I figured my own mind out, but then something happens or something is brought up to remind me that NOPE. Hella nope. I didn’t figure out shit.

While looking for the photo I attached above, which is yes, me; I ran into a bunch of other old photos. Ones I forgot about and ones that made me both mad and sad. I’ve never felt compelled to really delete photos or posts or a time frame of my life no matter how bad it was because pain helps you grow. However for this frame of time, I would happily delete everything.

As the days turn into weeks and months, and the events of that span of time start to fade away the reality is they’re not really fading but being phased out by new memories. I don’t like talking about triggers because I feel like it’s bad juju (I grew up in a household where you should never reveal your weaknesses) and because it’s not anyone’s business but mine really. I never have much to say considering when I am triggered, I withdraw from communication and hide away to myself.

Which in my current relationship my boyfriend is trying to get me to stop doing that and instead talk about it, if there’s anything he can help me with he wants to be there to help. Or even to just listen to what’s going on in my mind. And it’s not to use it against me later but to help me understand that he thinks I’m completely amazing despite my past and what people have conditioned me to believe. And that too is a scary thing to overcome.

I don’t really remember where I was going or why I decided to write this entry especially considering how vague everything turned out to be… maybe I’m still not ready to fully talk about it the way I want to/need to in order to heal, but maybe some time soon.

At least this is one step towards that.

Reflecting

How do you do it, you got me losing every breath…

SPiNNiNG: Latch by Disclosure

On days or nights I get really bad anxiety or I just don’t feel like talking I tend to blast the hell out of this song — it reminds me a lot of when I first met Penny and how obsessed we were with each other. Of course, five months later it’s hardly like that anymore. That’s just the typical timeline of a relationship.

Last night was weird; the day was fine. Nothing triggered me, nothing really went on during the day. Everything was fine. I had a bit of a reality slap during my late lunch but it wasn’t anything epic or serious really. Just the realization that I don’t have a s/o’s company this holiday season is a thing that’s happening. And it made me realize I haven’t ever been alone alone since I was 17. Granted I was married for 11 years but still, the realization that you’ll be completely alone during the holidays after that long of not is something that can be hard to swallow sometimes. It definitely puts a little bit of a panic on my mind but I’ll be fine, I’m sure. It’ll just be… different. And a lot more empty. But people go through this all the time, right? It’s not fatal.

I got sent home from work early and did a little bit of shopping so I mean, that was pretty exciting and happy.

So I went home and I went to unpack the Christmas stuff and put away the Halloween stuff. I’m not happy with it just yet but I’m still trying to figure out what to do with the place too. I still need to tidy and all of that — I’m hoping to get most of that done within the next week. Mostly because I’m tired of the mess around the place. And the boxes. But I found my small white tree that typically goes in my room. My theme this year are reds/browns/steampunk even though my room has white lights and garland. It’s whatever. One of these years I’ll go full on theme-y.

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It wasn’t until later that night that I got anxious and depressed and I couldn’t really figure out why. The last thing I remember was looking through the Christmas stuff that Nick had packed away and remembering what last Christmas was like — before he started being mean and how fun it was going all out with someone who was just as excited as you were to decorate the place. Our apartment was a Christmas wonderland last year. I loved it. I loved it so much. I was actually really sad when we had to take everything down.

But that isn’t really something to be sad about. And it was way random. I was always about making my own traditions and I have a good handful of them. Why should this year be any different? It shouldn’t.

But yet last night was still really rough and annoying anxiety-wise.

I just started feeling worthless and hopeless and not worth anyone’s time. I was basically throwing myself a really intense pity party and it’s been a good while since I’ve done any of that crap so I wasn’t too happy with myself because I’m suppose to be stronger than that. I’m suppose to get those thoughts out of my mind before they take over. But I couldn’t and I didn’t.

I’m a little better now though and I suppose that’s all that really matters.

Reblogged

When Your Partner Has Anxiety: A Meltdown Guide

FOR ANYONE DATING ANYONE WITH ANXIETY OR DEPRESSION:

1) DO STAY CALM
2) DONT ASK THEM TO MAKE DECISIONS
3) DO TAKE CONTROL
4) DONT ASSUME THEY CAN ASK FOR WHAT THEY NEED

I can’t even BREATHE when I’m having an anxiety attack asking me over and over again “what’s wrong” will make me literally want to beat your head in. Wouldn’t you think if I KNEW what was WRONG I wouldn’t be flipping the fuck out? It’s like your mind just short circuits and you can’t think straight. You don’t know why your heart is beating so rapidly or why you’re having a hard time breathing and the only thing you can think of is CALM DOWN. Cause if you don’t calm down it will only get worse. And I know in my case when it gets worse I start trying to destroy things because I get angry that I can’t calm down.

The best thing to do is either squeeze the person in a tight hug until their breathing starts to slow down or distract them. And be stern about it and make it something small, not something that would require thinking.

Just saying.

The Meltdown Guide

TW: I swear a lot in this article.

What do you do when your partner is having a panic attack or a depressive episode?

It can be really scary and super frustrating watching someone you lovego through an episode, especially if you don’t know how to be helpful.

This Meltdown Guide was created to help those of you who are in love with people who struggle with anxiety and depression to feel like you can be helpful when your partner seems to be spiraling.

View original post 1,554 more words

Reflecting

It’s National Suicide Prevention Day….

And I naturally felt like I should say something.

WordPress recently told me I’ve hit my 3 year mark here and that’s amazing to think about. Considering 3 years ago I was in Cali and it feels like a lifetime ago. The last few months have sucked really hard and the last few weeks have sort of made up for it.

Marriage, I believe, is a very strange thing. It’s everything changes, and nothing changes all at the same time. But you don’t know where that line begins and where it ends and what if you’re both not on the same page? Then what? I haven’t figured out the answer to that yet.

Maybe we should talk about what today is.

I had my first suicidal thought when I was 13. I was sitting on the floor during lunch with my friends, my head rested on the wall behind me and I remember saying, “what would happen if I killed myself?” and my friends at the time were like, “you would die, obviously.”

But as I got older and as things got harder and as I was exposed to abuse, suicide was something that was always heavily on my mind. And the things I would do to kill or silence the pain were things that at the end of the day only made it worse.

When I was 19 I somehow ended up with OCD. I wish I could describe what the feeling is like when OCD and depression team up and feed each other. It’s an intense pain in both your chest and mind that damn near destroys you. And when I finally got help at 21 I decided to take medication, determined to beat both my OCD and my depression.

But that’s not how it really works. Clearly I was no expert on OCD and at the time there wasn’t much that would pop up on Google about it and still to this day no one really knows how it happens. It’s like a silent invisible killer. Creeping around in your brain, hiding and taunting you. Making you believe things that aren’t real and don’t make sense. Making you do things you’re not even aware you’re doing and making you fear life in general. And 21 year old me thought I could heal myself? Shit. I must had had a lot of confidence in myself because I sure did not have a plan.

Now at 29 I finally gave in and got the help I needed. I love my doctor back home for all his understanding and for being such a huge support to me all the years I was in therapy and never pushing medication on me after I declined it all those years ago. And I honestly, would love to pay him a visit when I visit home this year so he can see how much I’ve changed.

For the first time in my life I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I feel almost like a brand new person. My mind isn’t so foggy anymore and my demons aren’t so loud. I can think for myself, decide for myself and stop myself if I wanted to. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to. My mind doesn’t betray me every single day.

There is such a stigma for mental illnesses and there is an even bigger stigma for people who take medication for mental illnesses. Still to this day it’s always, “don’t tell anyone, they’ll think you’re crazy.” “keep it to yourself” talked in hushed voices and in fear someone might look at me differently.

But I’m here to say yes I spent the majority of my life suffering from depression and yes I spent the majority of my adulthood suffering from OCD and intrusive thoughts and yes I am on medication and you know what? I feel more alive and more me than I’ve EVER felt and I’m really excited to get to know the 29 year old me who is really just me. I’m excited to see where my life is going from here. I’m excited every morning I wake up. And it’s such a weird feeling but it’s amazing and strange too, all at the same time.

If you’re suffering from depression, from OCD, from anxiety, from anything. You’re not alone. I know it’s so easy to feel like you are and no one would care enough to listen, but you’re wrong. People care. But you have to reach out to them, people can’t read your mind and they don’t know if you’re suffering or not. Talk to a friend, a parent, a trusted older cousin or make an appointment to see a doctor. I won’t lie, it’ll take awhile to find the right one for you but once you do, it’ll change your life. Everything, no matter how dark things are now and how hopeless everything feels, will be okay. If you’ve spent this long suffering from something, think of how easy it’ll be to let it go.

If you need someone to talk to, I’m here too. I might not know you and you might not know me but I do know that I will be here to talk to you and help you out as much as I can. I know it’s not easy and I know it’s scary and dark.

Life is worth living as hard as it is to believe that. And I wish all of you out there who are in the dark find your light.

Reflecting

See you in Neverland…

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Those of us who grew up in the 90’s grew up with movies like Mrs. Doubtfire, Jumanji, Aladdin and my favorite… Hook.

Robin Williams is one of my husband’s favorite actors. Someone he admires and I frequently catch him watching Patch Adams which is only the most depressing movie in the history of depressing movies.

When the news broke yesterday afternoon, I don’t think anyone could believe it. Robin Williams? One of the most admired actors in this lifetime? The man who provided so many with laughter and good feelings? Committed suicide? How is that possible.

The saddest people hide behind public happiness and humor.

That’s how.

And if you don’t personally know anyone like this, consider yourself lucky. Because it’s something very tragic and something that even their loved ones can’t reach them through.

Suicide and mental illness has been on my mind since I started my journey about a month ago; but depression and suicide has been heavy on my mind as of late.

My situations tend to make my emotions run a little bit and I’m still trying to get the hang of things but I’m a lot more calm than I was before I started the journey. Still, when things get rough I turn to A and last night she texted me this:

Hazel I love you so much. I would still jump in a car at any point if it meant saving your life. I’m so happy to have you in my life girlfriend!

 

And I literally just bawled out of control. Sometimes depression does a good job of masking things and clouding your logic train of thought. All you can think about is right now, how much you’re hurting, how it seems so hopeless and it will never stop and how you just want it to end. That’s the main thing on your mind is the pain and wanting it to end.

Who knows what Robin Williams was suffering from. But I hope that wherever he is he’s not hurting anymore and he’s happy. He’s as happy as he made the rest of the world with his talent and his jokes.

Rest in Peace Robin, you’ll always be my favorite Peter Pan ♥.

Reflecting

She, she ain’t real…

SPiNNiNG: Rumor Has It/Someone Like You — Glee

So between now and my last entry — things didn’t really get any better.

My lower back is freakin killing me.

I’m gonna blog this standing up, cause this is seriously insane.

But within the month that has passed, things, if anything got significantly worse. As if I didn’t think they could get any worse than they already were. But that’s the beauty of life, isn’t it? It can always get worse.

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead…

So I had to step back. I had to calm down. I had to think. Which was hard when you’re sucked into a black vortex of straight up fury and depression. And I had to reevaluate what I wanted. What I deserved and how to get it. Revenge would had been sweet, but that’s not what we’re talking about.

So the last — in total — three months have been straight up crap. So much crap that I dropped ten pounds, that I barely went to work and I barely passed any of my classes. I barely slept. I barely did anything. I just… didn’t care. Why care. We were seeing just where caring was getting me. Nowhere. And nothing.

Thank goodness for my girl A for saving me and being there for me the last three months or I woulda lost my damn mind!

I probably already did, regardless.

I’m beating around the bush.

So my OCD was a primary focus in all of this, because my anxiety had significantly spiked up. And I do mean SPIKED. UP. Like I was constantly anxious. I was constantly on the edge. I was constantly angry and depressed and I felt like my emotions were going to consume me whole. So I did what I said I wouldn’t do because I can beat this naturally. Except it’s been ten years. I need a little help.

So I got a little bit of help and the little bit of help has been A LOT of help the last few days. I feel better already; I feel more clear minded, I’m not anxious anymore (thank goodness), I’m not wallowing in depression, I’m getting back to focusing on the things that made me happy and the things I like doing and I’m feeling good. I’m not happy just yet. But I’m feeling better than I have in the last three months — in the last ten years. That’s for sure. I see small changes with my OCD lately and I’m glad of the progress I’m making. They’re things I thought would never stop bothering me and now I can just ignore them like they’re not a big deal — because they’re not.

I actually had a bit of an argument with my OCD yesterday while doing the laundry. It’s not as dominant and strong or loud as it use to be. There are times when I’ll mindlessly give in to smaller things but this particular thing I figured the only reason why I’m even getting slightly anxious is because I keep thinking about it. So I went off to do something else. Needless to say, by the time I pulled the CLEAN laundry out of the dryer I had no desire to rewash it even though my OCD was trying to get me to and I survived just fine. It’s nice and it’s different to be able to separate the two. I mean I’ve always been aware of the OCD and my own rational thought but before it felt like the OCD was taking over my rational thought and turning it into what it wanted. But now I can step back, back enough that I can decide what I want to do.

And to have that control back after so many years.

It’s nice.

And I’m excited about this journey.

So to the people who made my life a living hell the last three months, thanks. You guys are still assholes but at least now I’m on a journey to a better, happier, healthier me and well… you guys are still stuck in your shithole.