Reflecting

Sometime’s life gives us the hardest lessons…

 

Last Memorial Day weekend the morning sickness of my first pregnancy was kicking my ass and hard. But I had no idea at the time it was morning sickness or that I was pregnant. I wasn’t throwing up, I was just feeling… weird. Like not dizzy but not really well enough to sit up for a long period of time. I’m not really sure how to describe it.

It wasn’t until a week of it progressing, and quickly that I decided to take a pregnancy test. I was pretty sure there wasn’t any way I could BE pregnant but I just felt weird.

Normally, when you get pregnant by someone you’ve been dating for over a year and live with you’d probably assume hope you wouldn’t get the reaction I did.

So I went to take the pregnancy test. I was the first to see it since I was the one who went to check on it, it was boldy positive. And just a huge rush of emotions drowned me. I never wanted kids but I suddenly felt so very protective over it and I actually started crying. No joke, I was crying. I wasn’t sad. That was the surprising part and I wanted to tell my mom so badly. I was actually excited. Scared as fuck, but excited.

He went in after me to check the test.

He didn’t say anything.

He walked out, grabbed his phone and the first thing he said was “we need to find an abortion clinic.”

I don’t need to describe the emotions that came after that statement left his mouth.

He didn’t ask me how I felt. He didn’t ask me how I felt about it. He didn’t even acknowledge my reaction. He blankly walked out of the bathroom and grabbed his phone. That night while I was laying in bed he spammed me with links via text message of abortion clinics he found in our area.

Continue reading “Sometime’s life gives us the hardest lessons…”

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Reflecting

For 12 years, I waited…

I took a Disney solo trip yesterday, the first time in two years! It’s crazy to notice how much my life has changed in the last two years, in the last 3 years, in the last 4 years. And how quickly and vastly it changed too.

I was walking through Tomorrowland in Magic Kingdom to get to Main Street so I could find a good spot for the Festival of Fantasy parade.

And as I was walking through Tomorrowland and passing the race cars, then the bathrooms, then the ice cream shop, making my way around People Mover (which I wanted to get on but I didn’t want to risk missing the parade), passing Buzz then Monster’s Laugh Floor I got hit with random memories.

In 2011 when myself and my then husband first did our Disney College Program he was put in Tomorrowland which at the time I thought was funny because right before our program I finally got around to watching Toy Story and fell in love with Buzz Lightyear. How ironic he was working that attraction. During his training he was with two girls — Allison and Zafi. Zafi seemed to have a crush on him from day one whereas him and Allison “naturally” just didn’t like each other. After their training was over the next thing I knew they were best friends and weeks after that going on best friend dates, whatever the fuck that even is.

Call me crazy but how could you possibly be best friends with a girl you hated just less than a month ago that you barely know? Maybe it’s just me but if I’m married to someone, I better be your only female best friend (besides if you’ve had one since you were a kid, that’s different. But no new bitches)! Every group of interns had a dance at the end of their program, I’ve always been insecure (or I was, I’m not anymore) about wearing dresses but a friend of mine went dress shopping with me for this dance. Everyone told me how cute I looked… everyone but my husband who didn’t say anything. Yet the next night after the dance I found text messages of him messaging Allison about how beautiful she looked or how pretty she was through out the week or how her hugs made him so happy he didn’t want to let go.

Clearly after finding shit like that you’d be curious to know what the FUCK is going on. Though he assured me nothing was going on as they kept going on “best friend dates”. They often took midnight trips to Wal-Mart, alone. There were rumors going on about them and one of his friends — Amy had dropped some info on my lap at one point. He found out I had been talking to Amy and got mad at me. That began the whole “I don’t want you coming to see me at work” and “I don’t want you talking to any of my friends”. So I was a bit banned from Tomorrowland, any time I would stop by when I was in Magic Kingdom just to say hi he would get angry. I often left heartbroken and sad; but one thing that always stopped me in my tracks was Wishes, the fireworks show. I would be on my way out as quickly as I could but Wishes always stopped me. I’d stand on Main Street and watch it until it was over.

Even years later and many girls of the same situation later; when I moved behind Magic Kingdom, the nights he’d leave me alone to hang out with yet another girl I wasn’t allowed to meet ever, I’d sit in front of my apartment on the curb and watch Wishes (without the music, but it was still just as magical).


For 12 years I waited for him to be a husband, considering he’s the one who wanted to get married in the first place. Not me.

For 12 years I waited for him to defend me against his family who would talk crap that didn’t make sense about me, but he never did.

For 12 years I waited for him to defend me against one of his hoes who had something bad to say about me, but he never did.

For 12 years I waited for that fairytale element of marriage where you’re in bed together at the end of the day talking about your day, it never happened.

For 12 years I waited for him to say, “hey, I know you’re stressed from school and work let me take you out to dinner”, but he never did.

For 12 years I waited for him to… I don’t even know. But waiting for 12 years for things that were never going to happen was 12 years too long.

Everything that went wrong was naturally my fault. Everyone who had something bad to say about me I deserved it.

Things only got worse from Allison, maybe I’ll write about the others another day. But for now, I just needed to get this off of me.

I’m mad about the things that happened, the things that went on, the things that kept going on, the fact he couldn’t man up and apologize, at the way I was treated and how situations were handled. I knew I deserved MORE and BETTER than that and yet I stayed. I stayed because I was scared. Scared I would never find a bond like the one I had with him. So I stayed, and kept getting pushed to the side for other people.

And now, years later, I wonder why. Why did I think I would never find a bond like the one I had with him? Why did I think that was as good as I was gonna get? That’s such an insane thought. There are 7 billion people in this world, who is he in the sea all of them?

And now, years later I’ve found someone who I have an even stronger bond with, a bond I didn’t think was even real. And for almost a year he’s helped me through every step of every single healing process that’s come up.

Reflecting

Baby baby, I feel crazy…

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Abuse.

Relationships.

You never think it could happen to you. It could never be you. YOU would never be that stupid; especially if you managed to escape on abusive relationship.

But that’s the thing — you don’t realize you’re in an abusive relationship until that much later and until you feel so stuck you don’t know what to do or where to go.

The healing process is such a sticky stretch of time.

I can say this and that. I can act this way and that way. But sometimes in the middle of the day I’ll be afraid. Afraid to say something, afraid to do something, afraid to suggest something in my current relationship because of how past relationships played out. It’s not that I’m comparing my current relationship to my past ones, it’s just a fear. A fear that was relevant during a long period of time in my life and though I know I’m with someone who cares and who wouldn’t hurt me and who hasn’t hurt me for almost a year now, sometimes I can’t help but still be scared. To still hold back certain things.

Do you remember who you were before people told you who to be?

Sometimes I think I figured my own mind out, but then something happens or something is brought up to remind me that NOPE. Hella nope. I didn’t figure out shit.

While looking for the photo I attached above, which is yes, me; I ran into a bunch of other old photos. Ones I forgot about and ones that made me both mad and sad. I’ve never felt compelled to really delete photos or posts or a time frame of my life no matter how bad it was because pain helps you grow. However for this frame of time, I would happily delete everything.

As the days turn into weeks and months, and the events of that span of time start to fade away the reality is they’re not really fading but being phased out by new memories. I don’t like talking about triggers because I feel like it’s bad juju (I grew up in a household where you should never reveal your weaknesses) and because it’s not anyone’s business but mine really. I never have much to say considering when I am triggered, I withdraw from communication and hide away to myself.

Which in my current relationship my boyfriend is trying to get me to stop doing that and instead talk about it, if there’s anything he can help me with he wants to be there to help. Or even to just listen to what’s going on in my mind. And it’s not to use it against me later but to help me understand that he thinks I’m completely amazing despite my past and what people have conditioned me to believe. And that too is a scary thing to overcome.

I don’t really remember where I was going or why I decided to write this entry especially considering how vague everything turned out to be… maybe I’m still not ready to fully talk about it the way I want to/need to in order to heal, but maybe some time soon.

At least this is one step towards that.

Reflecting

Do you feel like a man, when you push her around?

Today last year was Easter.

I have a super private “blog” app I keep on my phone that I only write in when either something makes me incredibly sad or angry. I hardly post any happy things in there but lately I have been. So there’s been more happy posts and happy screenshots going on. I have a tendency to go back and read these posts as a I wonder what I was doing one year ago today thing. I did this a lot with my LiveJournal’s back in the day too.

Nick had said we’d go to Disney; it has been a thing I do — spend Easter at Disney. But the night before he had stayed up late gaming with his friends like stayed up till 7am gaming as he had been the whole week and weeks before that. Knowing his pattern, him sleeping that late meant he wasn’t going to get up until 3pm the next day and no matter how I asked he wouldn’t put that into consideration.

So when Easter Day came around I was obviously pretty pissed off about it. I remember being upset and tired of this shit — I hate empty promises and I hate liars. It was pretty much a month and a half of pent up irritation.

He walked over, grabbed me and slammed me into the couch pinning me down screaming at me to quit acting like a child. No matter how hard I tried to kick him or if I tried to push him off he would just tighten his grip and keep screaming at me. It gave me a massive panic attack that he told me to get over.

Continue reading “Do you feel like a man, when you push her around?”

Reflecting

Word Vomit | Too Hopped Up on Drugs

So, 3 years ago I went through a pretty massive mental breakdown and despite the years of therapy I was in for my anxiety I made the choice I told myself I would never give in to — I got prescription drugs to help me cope with my sudden spike in anxiety because my marriage at the time was pretty much imploding on itself.

And you know, it wasn’t so bad. I mean adjusting sucked but besides that, it helped me achieve that sense of relief and calmness I needed to stop my mind (and my heart rate) to feel like it was trying to out dubstep each other each morning and night (which believe me, sucks up a lot more energy than you’d think on a daily basis). It helped me control my anger and my emotions and allowed me to get into meditation a little easier until I felt like I didn’t need the help of drugs as much anymore (though I still took Zoloft on a regular basis, I didn’t take Colozo as often anymore).

Fast forward to like a year or two ago; I started dating someone new who I *thought* at the time was a *decent* person. But turned out to be seriously awful as fuck. He forced me quit my meds cold turkey by force and that resulted in 3 months of withdrawal symptoms that he cared nothing about but watched me suffer and throw up constantly. So I’ve been without meds for almost 2 years now.

Fast forward to now — he took back my iPhone and my PS4 along with all the “stuff” he’s been so desperately been trying to get from my apartment that he left here (which turned out to be a snowboard, two speakers he never even wanted, a jar of rice, a throw pillow and 3 dvd’s). He’s been trying to find a reason to get INTO my apartment for MONTHS after I told him that he’s not allowed in my home EVER AGAIN. Yet he still kept trying to find reasons to come to my front door. I told him I’d leave his stuff at the front office so he wouldn’t have a reason to get through the gate but argued with me that I was being “irresponsible” for not giving him the stuff he left here back. Not to mention he didn’t even SAY anything about it until 3 months after he left and when he found out I was flying out to Texas to hang out with my new boyfriend. Clearly he didn’t care about his stuff THAT much if he NEVER SAID ANYTHING FOR THREE MONTHS. But yet, I’m the bad guy. As always. Okay. Makes sense. I guess.

But apparently now he’s telling my roommate that I did nothing around the apartment we lived in together (even though all he did was complain, trash the place and failed to do the only TWO chores I ever asked him — take out the trash and clean the cat liter), didn’t pay rent, didn’t pay bills, didn’t buy groceries, didn’t even pay for his own gas even though he was the one working (4 hours a day for 4 days a week but whatever) because I was too hopped up on drugs all the time.

Uhm… what drugs?

I’ve never been prescribed Xanax. I never had Zoloft in that apartment and the only thing I had was a bottle of Colozopam that I couldn’t even find until after I moved out of that apartment. But apparently those two drugs make you into a zombie that makes it so that you lay around doing nothing, right? Yeah, that’s TOTALLY what those two drugs do. I don’t see where people get their info from considering it’s not from doctors and they don’t give a shit enough to Google things. They just make up some sort of excuse or reason for things and RUN WITH IT into a fuckin wall because it makes no damn sense.

To which my roommate countered saying that I finish her laundry for her and fold her pants for her when I put them in her laundry bin when they’re done and place them in her room, I clean the kitchen, I make sure the cats have food and water, I do the dishes when she works too much and try and make sure the place is as clean as my anxiety allows me to.

Thanks Harmony <3.

To which he had no response for.

He also dared to say he missed my cat Sophie and how much he loved her. Except he would grab his cat Jane by her neck (I wouldn’t call what he did scruffing because she was clearly yelping for help), throw her on the couch and scream at her when she did any little bad thing.

But I. FREAKIN. GUESS.

I know I shouldn’t let it bother me. People will always pick and choose things about you to say to other people to make you look bad and them look good. Doesn’t mean it’s true. And even if they do tell others, the people who KNOW YOU (and the people who should MATTER) know better and know the real story. So the fact he’s going around saying things like that shouldn’t matter. Everyone knows what I do and what I don’t do. I don’t need to justify or defend myself. Not to mention he’ll tell anyone who listens that his mom has a “severe mental illness” when in reality she has anxiety and she just keeps to herself.

You can tell a lot about a person by what they say about their mama.

My blogs and social media are a timeline of my every day life. Go ahead, tell people this and that. But that’s not what the time stamps on my social media say.

Fuckin idiot.

Hello

And on any other day I’d say…

Today was a special day at some point of my life. It was significant. And the reason why doesn’t really matter anymore.

I feel like it should be weird I don’t talk to my ex husband anymore. Or it should be weird that we’re not friends but honestly, it doesn’t feel weird at all. That bond or connection we had before is completely gone and besides asking him if he has something of mine or information I need for documents that happened in our old life I find no reason to talk to him and I’m totally okay with that.

It should be weird to stop talking to someone you’ve talked to every single day since you were 17, shouldn’t it? For some reason for me, it’s not. I guess I’m one of the lucky ones.

Lucky if you consider the fact that my ex husband was creeping around behind my back and lying to my face and turning into some monster I didn’t know over the span of a year thanks to someone he claimed he “saw as a little sister” then dates her after you file for divorce even though she’s in her own country now and to find out shortly after he moves to her country like you can just do that or something.

You seriously don’t know how shady or how stupid people can really be until you divorce them.

I don’t even hate him anymore. I don’t hate her either. They deserve each other.

This year, is my year and I refuse to let them take another year of my time after the two they already took.

I have a legitimate family to take care of and legitimate legal business to handle.

Speaking of…

I’ve been watching YouTube videos based on watercolor. Peoples speed sketches and tutorials. Finding out that I can in fact watercolor my Frozen adult coloring book. Like, that’s awesome news. Buuuuut, I kinda wish I had watercolor pencils to work with since it would be easier than working with gel watercolor paints and making a mess. But who knows, maybe the mess will be fun. I figure it’ll help me practice getting the hang of it all before I start my own sketches and stuff.

Speaking of my family…

Jane is begging to be fed. Cat diets are such a struggle when they give you sad eyes. Sigh.

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How can you say no to that face?!

Reflecting

My heart is pounding, but it’s just a conversation

SPiNNiNG: Take Your Time by Sam Hunt

This song has been on heavy repeat all week. I don’t even remember how I came across it again but I’m super glad I did.

I feel like the world is spinning way too fast and I’m struggling to keep up. To keep things in line. But there’s this boy and he’s like a tornado in my so neatly kept world. He shakes everything up, throws things I had solid opinions on and throws them around until all that’s left is me. The me I am today. The me who is no longer a victim but a fighter. The me who will not give any fucks. The me who if you show me you don’t care, I’ll show you I don’t care even more. The me who’s free to be excited again and happy over the smallest things without having to keep her happiness in check. The me who runs around malls and grocery stores and places with pretty lights.

  

There’s this boy and though I haven’t known him for long; he’s helped me feel more confident in my skin to the point where I’m wearing dresses and skirts (with cute kitty tights, but still, it’s a step). He makes me feel like I’m worth something — and I know you’re never suppose to put that power into someone elses hand. YOU are suppose to KNOW YOUR OWN worth but it’s nice when someone comments on it too. I am still after all human. There’s this boy who is content as shit just sitting with me looking out at the water for hours into the night holding my hand. There’s this boy, who doesn’t rush me into anything, doesn’t force me into anything (except when it comes to homework). There’s this boy and he’s the most polite and respectful boy I’ve ever dated. To have someone respect you after going so long without that… it’s a strange feeling. I know I shouldn’t but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like this is just a figment of my imagination. Like all of this isn’t real. How could this be real? How could someone like Nick be into someone like me? I’m a total mess. A total and complete chaos of a mess.

I know you’re suppose to dwell on things and I try my best not to. I don’t find myself reaching back as much as I use to… but I wonder how M feels that he destroyed his marriage. That I actually left. That I found someone who cares about me, who actually takes care of me and makes me happy. We were never meant to be baby, we just happened. And I guess at some point we just rolled with it cause what can we do now?

I have not loved someone in possibly years. I haven’t felt this bubbly happiness or this urge to just watch him in years. In literal years. And it’s such an intense and scary feeling. A feeling I don’t think I’m worth of and especially not from someone like Nick.

Life works in extremely mysterious ways.