Reflecting

He’s a brainless, heartless, coward.

Friendships.

Are always pretty fragile to begin with, no matter how old you are. In some cases you find yourself walking on eggshells just to keep those friends. And the older you get, the better of an understanding you get when it comes to people, patterns and friendships. Which are worth holding on to, what it’s like to have ones that will ride or die for and with you, and the ones that seem to only be there when it benefits them.

There’s no solid blue print as to who is what. And at this point of my life I understand that as time passes, as life progresses, as experience hit us; we are capable of any direction of change. You could think you KNOW someone for a decade and be COMPLETELY utterly wrong. People can change for any reason at any time they choose to. People can outgrow other people. Could want to change their circle, their life, their direction and that could mean that you’re not part of that plan. And there’s seriously nothing wrong with that: find the people YOU vibe with.

I’ve never played the shit game of you’re-my-friend-so-you-cant-be-their-friend. If I stop being friends with someone I want it to be because I 100% decided to ON MY OWN. I don’t like ANYONE ELSE, no matter WHO they are, influencing who I choose to be friends with. I’ve dealt with enough loss in my life to know better than to get attached to anyone.

That’s not to say losing friends sucks any less cause sometimes it really really does and sometimes, you could lose a 2 year friendship and not even bat any eyelash.

In the years I was on FFXI I made several friends in 2004 who I’m still friends with today. It seems forming and keeping friendships on FFXIV is very different — then again it seems like the object of this game is very different as well. So perhaps that plays a bit of a part here.

I’m tired of being the villain in DUDES stories. I’m tired of being the back up friend, the second thought, yet they feel they’re entitled to play the victim. And it’s a wonder why I don’t care much to make friends, to entertain others or to even seek out relationships.

What’s the point of it all?

At the end of the day I still prefer my own company filled with music, books and pretty food. I’ve never been afraid to go to the movies alone or take myself on a date or a day of Disney park hopping. I’ve done most things up until this point by myself. So much that I feel awkward when I have to endure company because I like bouncing around all over the place without reason. I love massive amounts of freedom. And I like being with my own thoughts.

I don’t make any of this a damn secret either, so why do people expect something else from me? I don’t NEED anyone’s company, ever. I WANT certain people’s company. But you can’t tell a girl who’s moved across the country and jumped states that they need you. That seems like a long shot, don’t you think?

I’ll never beg for someone’s friendship nor their company. If you feel like my company and friendship is disposable, don’t worry. I’ll believe you the first time.

But if making me the villain, just like how you make everyone else when majority of your problems could be prevented if you would just keep your mouth shut — then go off. Whatever helps you sleep at night. Whatever convinces you, to yourself, that you’re a “decent” person. Just know I refuse to play a part in any of it. You’re on your own.

Forget I ever existed, kthx.

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Recap

Weekly Recap; June 17th – June 23rd

Holyyyyy crap.

This month is flying by.

It’s almost time to move \o/!

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Recap, Reflecting

Weekly Recap; June 10th – June 16th

Today’s Father’s Day but I haven’t been home in 7 years, so.

About 2 ½ weeks left until I move… I should probably start packing eh?

Two years ago on Father’s Day I was forced to get an abortion; I wrote about it on a blog I started for mental health and gaming. It was such a traumatic situation and experience. It amazes me how cruel some people can be. And how they have the audacity to not just be cruel but to also spread lies about you. If there’s anything I learned from my failed marriage though it’s that people will make up facades and worlds they believe in their heads to help them cope with who they REALLY are and hide the things about them they hate.

It doesn’t excuse them but sometimes being angry about something/someone is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. So instead I look at it for what it really is, accept that people are shit and unfair and I go back to working on being the best version of myself I can be and distance myself from anything negative that doesn’t serve me.

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Recap

Weekly Recap; May 20th – May 26th

I’m actually writing this on May 30th, since Bubba had a 3 day weekend but for the sake of NOT confusing myself next week we’ll pretend I wrote this on the 27th.

This week has been… emotionally draining. I like to pride myself on not being a jealous person or a psycho when it comes to relationships because I know how self toxic that can be; there are some things that bother me and I always struggle with I didn’t grow up with Bubba so I don’t know who Bubba was before he met me. I know about his life, but I wasn’t there to witness it and that’s something that I knew would somehow someway bother me when I got divorced; I watched my ex husband grow up. I watched him turn into who he is now. I know all his dirty little secrets that no one else will ever know.

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Recap

Weekly Recap; May 13th – May 19th

We were suppose to go on a date night last night but I got hit with my period on Friday afternoon and even though this month I DIDNT GET ANY PMS AS A WARNING it decided to fuck me up this weekend instead. I’ve always had really heavy and really short and painful periods because I’m under weight and anemic. So if it’s not insane cramps it’s fuckin crazy migraines and I’m ALWAYS so drained.

So. Date night was pushed back.

Sad days.

But very thankful that Bubba understands and tries his best to make sure I’m comfortable and takes care of me when I’m stuck in period pains.

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Recap

Weekly Recap; May 6th – May 13th

Not much went on this passed week; I found a bunch of throwback photos. I refused to take bubble baths while Bubba wasnt here because Spring brings bugs. Even if I do keep a can of RAID close. I only managed to put up one blog post this week. Hmph. I’ve been really tired and sleepy this week! I have no idea why! But it’s driving me crazy.

Last Sunday we went grocery shopping; and it was pretty damn productive. I miss Publix like crazy but Tom Thumb isn’t so bad. I wish there was a Trader Joe’s close to a Tom Thumb somewhere around here though, that would make things so much easier!

I also did a little cleaning; finally cleared off the side of the counter in the kitchen where the coffee machine is… the other side? Not so much. This apartment is big but small for a one bedroom… I mean it’s a decent size but it has no storage space. I don’t even have a balcony so yeah. This apartment will never be as organized and as tidy as I want it to be. Which worries me about the next place as well.

Continue reading “Weekly Recap; May 6th – May 13th”