Hello

Hello April!

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I love Tulips.

I’d love if I could afford them right now too, but since I can’t. Picture taking will have to do.

It’s five days into the new month. Five D A Y S and bills are already fucking me. Ya’ll I’m so tired of paying bills. Like it’s not even funny how tired I am! I guess that falls back to me and past me and all the dumb shit past me was doing but then again I’m extra mad at past me for not telling those other dudes who were using me to get they own shit!

It’s my birth month and I’m never excited about my birthday. I mean I was pretty excited last year since Bubba was spending the week with me at Disney World but generally speaking, I’m never really excited.

I can’t do my usual traditions cause I’m not in Florida anymore. Also Bubba started a new job (which I’m really happy about) but he’s working on my birthday. I’m trying to be somewhat not a poopy pants about it but let’s be real, after I turned 25 without a BA in sight I was just like LORT ANOTHER YEAR OLDER. ANOTHER YEAR FAILED.

And that’s definitely NOT the way you should be viewing life.

Granted there’s nothing exciting about turning 33, still trying to rebuild your shit and yourself and thinking godammit I should get off FB with all these people and their careers and vacations. Which is why I’m never really on FB anymore. I post what I need to post, stalk who I need to stalk and get off!

This blog post wasn’t suppose to be about me, it was suppose to be about my goals for April.

⇢ Get your shit together (at least a little bit)
⇢ Read 3 books (and not on the last day of the month)
⇢ Blog more // I know shit can be hard but girl it’s your release SO QUIT IT
⇢ EXPLORE more, spend LESS
⇢ Apartment hunting
⇢ Tidy room & closet / purge shit you really don’t need
⇢ Sort digital stuff / back up laptop (since it’s been like years since you did)
⇢ Find something that calms you
⇢ Practice better time management
⇢ Catch up on reviews that need to be written
⇢ Celebrate your birthday… the best you can

I know Bubba puts a lot of effort into everything. And I know it might be killing him that he can’t go all out on the day of my birthday this year and that the only thing I asked for was food adventures but I guess when you get older the experiences matter more than getting things. And normally I go on vacation for my birthday — which I was excited moving closer to the West Coast cause I really wanted to celebrate my birthday in Vegas & Disneyland like I use to when I lived in CA 7 years ago but that didn’t work out.

So this year I hope I find a new birthday tradition and I hope I find some enlightenment or motivation to get up and do something MORE. I mean I always want to do more but it’s actually doing it lately that’s the problem (which was never a problem before, so I’m confused as to why it is now).

So here’s to April; my personal restart button.

Also, I created a new blog for my anxiety and nerdy talk over at PLACES & PEONIES.

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Hello

November 2017 Goals

It’s really no secret that I SUCK AT GOALS this year.

BUT that won’t stop me from making them! Cause at SOME POINT on this journey I’ll get my driven, busy, GET EVERYTHING DONE — TODAY attitude back. And until then, the most I can do is give myself something to encourage myself to get up and make a difference.

Healing is hard y’all.

Clean out fridge
  Sort kitchen
 Put up Fall stuff
 Organize closet
 Organize bedroom (more)
 Properly re-set up zen corner
 Mop living room
 Exchange unwanted B&BW Fall scents/products
 Do returns/exchanges for Kohls, Macys, etc…
 Work on buying Christmas gifts
 BAKE SOMETHING
 Finish October TBR (FINISH WINTER FOR THE LOVE OF GOD)
 Prep Christmas/Dec posts/videos
 Work on NaNoWriMo
 Try 3 new places

I’m not going to overachieve and try to do things I know probably won’t happen but instead do things that SHOULD be happening REGARDLESS that I know my OCD will find reasons to NOT do.

I can’t believe how fast Sept and Oct flew by and that I technically have to put up my Halloween/Fall stuff now!

I wish I could blog more about my feelings or my day. I don’t know what stops me all the time… it use to be my jam! And it’s not like this blog has any particular purpose besides me recording my life. I noticed I stopped blogging on hazearella because I guess I’ve outgrown the blogger layout. I wish it was on WordPress but I don’t want to go through the headache of switching everything over — especially the domain. I’m thinking of starting over with a new name, I’m just not sure what! The pressures of Instagram can be very influencing though, I’ll admit that. And the fear of starting over completely is scary AND THIS IS WHY I DONT HAVE A SUCCESSFUL BLOG OR CHANNEL CAUSE I KEEP STARTING OVER! Even though I don’t have THAT many followers on that blog itself. SIGH. I don’t know.

Maybe I’ll just move everything to WordPress, keep the name and suck it up. And if I do end up starting over completely it probably won’t be until January.

But here’s to hopefully a month of catching up, finishing up and getting ready for Christmas and a brand new year.

Hello

Hello October!

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The start of Fall and the start of a string of holiday seasons — the best and most stressful time of the year \o/

My goals list for September failed, as always.

My anxiety has been nagging at me for weeks; ever since I got my stuff finally delivered to me from the move in July. The move, of which I had filed a claim form and they have not responded to in nearly 30 days. What good are moving companies? All they do is screw people over during a very stressful time. And they expect to be treated with respect for over charging and for pulling fuck shit? Lame. Though I’m not sure exactly what this experience has to do with triggering my anxiety for months besides that they lost a bunch of my shit.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother doing these goal lists if I barely ever complete any of them.

~*~

⇢ Read at least 4 books for the October challenge
⇢ Decide/prep which NaNoWriMo project to work on
⇢ Post a weekly vlog for Vlogtober
⇢ Post one additional video a week in the spirit of Fall
⇢ Incorporate Blogtober on both hazearella and stuckinthislife
⇢ Bookstagram fav past October reads
⇢ Make bath bombs
⇢ Tidy makeup area in room
⇢ Tidy closet
⇢ Start purging old/unwanted makeup and clothes
⇢ Try 1 new Ramen place
⇢ Try 1 new Boba flavor
⇢ Tidy TV stand in prep for Christmas
⇢ Tidy living room

I want to post more YouTube videos, I want my room to reflect the perfect vlogger look, I want to do all the things I use to be so passionate about like photography, social media, graphic design and alla that other stuff.

Lately I’ve noticed I’ve been more negative and frustrated and angry and all that does is invite more of those negative vibes into my mind and my life.

I want my room and my apartment to be less cluttered and more zen and I want all of this stuff sorted and put away and a home found for them before November! I want my apartment and room to be ready for Christmas and I want to enjoy as much of it as I can. Because I finally can.

I want to be up to date on my Yelp and Amazon reviews and I want to post more on my food blog.

I’m also planning on changing all my instagram feeds to reflect more of me and my life. I love taking product shots and stuff but I also always wished my photos had more of me in them and not just in terms of selfies but me in the places or me trying the food, you know?

I hate being discouraged and I hate letting myself down, but it seems like lately that’s all I’ve been doing and that needs to change. And if I don’t change it then that change will never happen.

So it’s up to me.

Hello

Hello September \o/

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This entry is a few days later than I had planned for it to be up, and even now I haven’t really spent much time thinking about what I’m actually trying to say lol so we’re gonna wing it!

My anxiety has been on and off kicking my ass lately, some days it’s not as bad as others and other days I just don’t want to do anything but curl into a ball. I want to attempt to challenge myself this month. I read that the only way to ease anxiety such as OCD is to practice something I absolutely hate and scares the crap outta me — exposure therapy. Though not at very high extreme’s.

At the moment my apartment is damn near done with everything being unpacked, I just have to wash a few more blankets and find a home for certain things, then my whole living room needs to me mopped so I can stop wearing shoes inside my apartment and walk around in slippers like I’ve always wanted to. I personally hate wearing my shoes in my apartment but I didn’t figure that there was a reason to go through a shit ton of cleaning if moving in, building stuff and all that wasn’t even done yet. But now that all of that is, I don’t have an excuse as to why I haven’t mopped besides that I have 3 boxes left to be sorted though.

So one of my goals this month is to finish unpacking those 3 boxes and mop my floor.

October is very very close from now and I normally make an October/Halloween reading challenge list. I somewhat failed that last year so I’m hoping to do better this year. Along with that I want to be better at bookstagramming and being more active on my bookish social media accounts because I do really miss that world.

I have a few creative goals I’m hoping to start this Fall as well; all in all I have high hopes that my restart will begin. Now.

  • Tidy and mop the apartment
  • Read 4 books in preparation for October
  • Pactice bookstagramming and flat lays
  • Research social media tips
  • Practice mindfulness
  • Organize emails
  • Play with makeup more
  • Get 2 of Axelyn’s main classes to 50
  • Make 1 candle
  • Learn to duel (as Bubba’s request)

There are other things like find a job in my field which is going to take some time. But I would like to get a jump start on everything I moved here to do and accomplish.

My anxiety has a tendency to make me not want to move or make me afraid of certain things and I’m tired of being afraid. I try to push myself out of those moments as much as I can but sometimes I just feel like I can’t. When in reality I need to push harder. I need to stop thinking things are so hard cause yeah maybe they are. Maybe they’re beyond my current strength. But how can I get stronger or be better if I don’t try?

I need to learn how to have more faith in myself. To trust myself more. I use to think I was this amazing person who could accomplish everything and then anxiety came around and I lost that mindset. I need to find it, work on it and bring it back. Because if you’re not hyped about your own projects and idea’s how can you expect anyone else to be?

Here’s to a productive month full of adventures, new favorites and starting new goals.

Hello

Weekly Recap; May 21st – 27th

And here we are, the end of May!

I. Am. So. Excited. For. June.

For hella various reasons.

But today I’m irritated af, though I doubt I’ll be writing why. I know this blog is suppose to be about me and my life and all my word vomit goodness but I’m not sure WHY it isn’t. Or why it’s so hard to talk about my thoughts and feelings and day. I use to do this every day after school in high school, like without fail. Why is it so hard now?! Sigh. Adulthood makes no sense sometimes.

Continue reading “Weekly Recap; May 21st – 27th”

Hello, Reflecting

Hello 2017!

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Seven days in and I’m already slacking!

Goooooooosh.

This year my #onelittleword is g r o w ].

And I have a lot of growing to do. As hard as that is to say. But the truth is, the last two years have been a huge huge mess. And I have a lot to think about and a lot of rediscovering to do within myself.

I’m usually really good at coming up with goals and resolutions for the upcoming year in November. That didn’t happen this time around and I’m struggling with not being disappointed with myself.

2016 was a really hard year. I wish I had recorded more of the hard part just so years from now I can look back and say I can’t believe I picked myself up from that. Depression and struggle use to be my driving force to write. It was my therapy my whole childhood. Why did that stop now? Because the subjects and topics were too controversial? Because I was afraid of offending people? Because people are less understanding and less forgiving when they don’t know the situation? At the end of the day their opinions don’t sleep in my bed or dictate my life. I use to be this blunt, straight forward, idgaf kind of chick and I loved that about myself… then I got scared. And people shouldn’t change who you are, no matter WHO they are.

What do I hope to accomplish by the end of 2017?

Growth.

Mostly.

  • I hope to read 36 books
  • I hope to be able to create a recap video like this one
  • I hope to have a damn near regular blogging schedule
  • I hope to revamp my hazearella instagram feed
  • I hope to be more active on my hazearella twitter
  • I hope to build hermagicandmadness
  • I hope to discover 5 new resturants (yeah we’re back to this)
  • I hope to level my FFXIV Axelyn‘s WHM, BLM, CUL, Fishing, Mining and Weaver to 60
  • I hope to take more pictures
  • I hope to film more of my life
  • I hope to film more YouTube videos
  • I hope to incorporate more Hygge into my life
  • I hope to learn more French
  • I hope to incorporate meditation back into my life
  • I hope to discover more favorite’s
  • I hope to start making lists again
  • I hope to tidy my life
  • I hope to take one step closer to figuring it out

 

I don’t have any extreme goals like I normally do. And I’m sure I’ll add more goals as I think of them. I’m trying to be more realistic about my goals and I’m trying to learn to trust the process as much as I don’t enjoy it.

So here’s to making more memories at 2017.
Finding more joys.
Discovering more favorites.
And growing.

Hello

And on any other day I’d say…

Today was a special day at some point of my life. It was significant. And the reason why doesn’t really matter anymore.

I feel like it should be weird I don’t talk to my ex husband anymore. Or it should be weird that we’re not friends but honestly, it doesn’t feel weird at all. That bond or connection we had before is completely gone and besides asking him if he has something of mine or information I need for documents that happened in our old life I find no reason to talk to him and I’m totally okay with that.

It should be weird to stop talking to someone you’ve talked to every single day since you were 17, shouldn’t it? For some reason for me, it’s not. I guess I’m one of the lucky ones.

Lucky if you consider the fact that my ex husband was creeping around behind my back and lying to my face and turning into some monster I didn’t know over the span of a year thanks to someone he claimed he “saw as a little sister” then dates her after you file for divorce even though she’s in her own country now and to find out shortly after he moves to her country like you can just do that or something.

You seriously don’t know how shady or how stupid people can really be until you divorce them.

I don’t even hate him anymore. I don’t hate her either. They deserve each other.

This year, is my year and I refuse to let them take another year of my time after the two they already took.

I have a legitimate family to take care of and legitimate legal business to handle.

Speaking of…

I’ve been watching YouTube videos based on watercolor. Peoples speed sketches and tutorials. Finding out that I can in fact watercolor my Frozen adult coloring book. Like, that’s awesome news. Buuuuut, I kinda wish I had watercolor pencils to work with since it would be easier than working with gel watercolor paints and making a mess. But who knows, maybe the mess will be fun. I figure it’ll help me practice getting the hang of it all before I start my own sketches and stuff.

Speaking of my family…

Jane is begging to be fed. Cat diets are such a struggle when they give you sad eyes. Sigh.

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How can you say no to that face?!