Reflecting

A Lifetime of rejection causes…

Me to not give a flying fuck about compliments.

I’ve noticed the more I post selfies on my MAKEUP INSTAGRAM, the more I get random guys sliding in my DMs.

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Like this one I got on Sunday.

I grew up obsessed with finding a boyfriend in high school. I knew I wasn’t by any means “pretty” especially by what teenage boys find pretty. I was skinny. I super shy and I looked like a nerd. I was so obsessed with being liked and it really shot at my self esteem when I realized I was never going to be popular or liked. It didn’t help I had a childhood friend who was the most discouraging piece of shit in the entire world. The girl was fuckin abusive.

It got to a point where I was tired of waiting so I’d ask the guys out. And I got more rejections than you could even imagine. But I convinced myself that at least I knew. At least I could move on.

When I finally did start dating a few years later, I had at that point stopped really caring what people thought. I was a tomboy and I embraced the shit out of it. I played video games. I watched wrestling. I dressed in baggy clothes, bandannas, hats. I embraced every side of me — my sadness, my hyperness, my sillyness, my sarcastic sense of humor, my idgaf attitude and if someone didn’t like it they could go. I wouldn’t miss them at all. I had found my group of friends and THEY loved me (they still do to this day!) and that’s all that really mattered. And I found when I had hit that point of my life, I attracted even MORE guys and for the most part, guys that I actually had shit in common with and that I had a lot of fun being around. And one that was actually really popular (we’re still pretty good friends to this day).

By the time I had gotten married my then husband wasn’t a jealous person. He didn’t care if I had guy friends or if I hung out with guys since he knew most of my friends growing up were guys and most of his friends growing up were girls. So we had that bit of an understanding. But it seemed when it came to guys wanting to go grab dinner to catch up or if someone I worked with bought me a drink or lunch just to be nice (even though my ex husband at the time would freely admit he didn’t care if a guy bought me dinner cause it meant that was dinner he didn’t have to pay for, nor did he like going to dinner or that he ever even paid for dinner — looking back on it, that was a pretty shitty thing to say to someone who’s suppose to be your wife) was when he would show a bit of jealousy. But if he did the same then he’d accuse me of being “crazy” or “psycho”. However the more it happened, he started to put me down.

About everything.

The way I looked, the way I dressed, my fuckin face, my personality. It’s like he pounded it into my head that I wasn’t pretty and that I wasn’t funny or interesting. Even though he would voice multiple times he hated how easy it was for me to make friends and how it wasn’t fair. I’ve never been anything but myself. I talk too much. I’m a super open book. I don’t like lying. If I offer to do something for you it’s because I sincerely want to. And every time I’d say I was a good person he would always say, “no you’re not, you’re fuckin psycho.” when I wasn’t. I never was.

He betrayed me too many times and made me do “psycho” things because he kept lying and hiding things from me.

But after years of hearing all this mess, it really plays tricks on your psych.

~*~

I don’t take easy compliments as compliments, I think they’re fillers or things people say to other people that they think they want to hear. I get you can’t really compliment someone who you don’t even know but perhaps you shouldn’t start your conversation off with a compliment to begin with.

Messaging someone with just hi seems lazy and pretty damn artificial.

As someone who runs a business account and other business blog types of account I suppose I expect something more from a first message. Even if just by his one hi already gave away why he even messaged me in the first place.

It’s seriously annoying.

My Instagram is full of makeup and pink, why the FUCK would you message an Instagram account that clearly does not look like a personal account? I will never understand the logic of idiots.

Not to mention my boyfriend is all over my fuckin feeds as well! Did they just SKIP those parts?

Which also shows the disrespect most guys on the internet have. I swear to God whenever a guy says some snarky shit about it it makes me want to track them down and hit them in the fuckin throat with a 2×4. Sorry, not sorry, some girls don’t like being hit on and don’t think you’re being funny.

This isn’t my first message and tbh I’m super getting tired of this crap.

If you’re not interested in makeup or candles or girly shit please exit off my damn feed, thanks.

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Reflecting

Word Vomit | Too Hopped Up on Drugs

So, 3 years ago I went through a pretty massive mental breakdown and despite the years of therapy I was in for my anxiety I made the choice I told myself I would never give in to — I got prescription drugs to help me cope with my sudden spike in anxiety because my marriage at the time was pretty much imploding on itself.

And you know, it wasn’t so bad. I mean adjusting sucked but besides that, it helped me achieve that sense of relief and calmness I needed to stop my mind (and my heart rate) to feel like it was trying to out dubstep each other each morning and night (which believe me, sucks up a lot more energy than you’d think on a daily basis). It helped me control my anger and my emotions and allowed me to get into meditation a little easier until I felt like I didn’t need the help of drugs as much anymore (though I still took Zoloft on a regular basis, I didn’t take Colozo as often anymore).

Fast forward to like a year or two ago; I started dating someone new who I *thought* at the time was a *decent* person. But turned out to be seriously awful as fuck. He forced me quit my meds cold turkey by force and that resulted in 3 months of withdrawal symptoms that he cared nothing about but watched me suffer and throw up constantly. So I’ve been without meds for almost 2 years now.

Fast forward to now — he took back my iPhone and my PS4 along with all the “stuff” he’s been so desperately been trying to get from my apartment that he left here (which turned out to be a snowboard, two speakers he never even wanted, a jar of rice, a throw pillow and 3 dvd’s). He’s been trying to find a reason to get INTO my apartment for MONTHS after I told him that he’s not allowed in my home EVER AGAIN. Yet he still kept trying to find reasons to come to my front door. I told him I’d leave his stuff at the front office so he wouldn’t have a reason to get through the gate but argued with me that I was being “irresponsible” for not giving him the stuff he left here back. Not to mention he didn’t even SAY anything about it until 3 months after he left and when he found out I was flying out to Texas to hang out with my new boyfriend. Clearly he didn’t care about his stuff THAT much if he NEVER SAID ANYTHING FOR THREE MONTHS. But yet, I’m the bad guy. As always. Okay. Makes sense. I guess.

But apparently now he’s telling my roommate that I did nothing around the apartment we lived in together (even though all he did was complain, trash the place and failed to do the only TWO chores I ever asked him — take out the trash and clean the cat liter), didn’t pay rent, didn’t pay bills, didn’t buy groceries, didn’t even pay for his own gas even though he was the one working (4 hours a day for 4 days a week but whatever) because I was too hopped up on drugs all the time.

Uhm… what drugs?

I’ve never been prescribed Xanax. I never had Zoloft in that apartment and the only thing I had was a bottle of Colozopam that I couldn’t even find until after I moved out of that apartment. But apparently those two drugs make you into a zombie that makes it so that you lay around doing nothing, right? Yeah, that’s TOTALLY what those two drugs do. I don’t see where people get their info from considering it’s not from doctors and they don’t give a shit enough to Google things. They just make up some sort of excuse or reason for things and RUN WITH IT into a fuckin wall because it makes no damn sense.

To which my roommate countered saying that I finish her laundry for her and fold her pants for her when I put them in her laundry bin when they’re done and place them in her room, I clean the kitchen, I make sure the cats have food and water, I do the dishes when she works too much and try and make sure the place is as clean as my anxiety allows me to.

Thanks Harmony <3.

To which he had no response for.

He also dared to say he missed my cat Sophie and how much he loved her. Except he would grab his cat Jane by her neck (I wouldn’t call what he did scruffing because she was clearly yelping for help), throw her on the couch and scream at her when she did any little bad thing.

But I. FREAKIN. GUESS.

I know I shouldn’t let it bother me. People will always pick and choose things about you to say to other people to make you look bad and them look good. Doesn’t mean it’s true. And even if they do tell others, the people who KNOW YOU (and the people who should MATTER) know better and know the real story. So the fact he’s going around saying things like that shouldn’t matter. Everyone knows what I do and what I don’t do. I don’t need to justify or defend myself. Not to mention he’ll tell anyone who listens that his mom has a “severe mental illness” when in reality she has anxiety and she just keeps to herself.

You can tell a lot about a person by what they say about their mama.

My blogs and social media are a timeline of my every day life. Go ahead, tell people this and that. But that’s not what the time stamps on my social media say.

Fuckin idiot.