Reflecting

Baby baby, I feel crazy…

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Abuse.

Relationships.

You never think it could happen to you. It could never be you. YOU would never be that stupid; especially if you managed to escape on abusive relationship.

But that’s the thing — you don’t realize you’re in an abusive relationship until that much later and until you feel so stuck you don’t know what to do or where to go.

The healing process is such a sticky stretch of time.

I can say this and that. I can act this way and that way. But sometimes in the middle of the day I’ll be afraid. Afraid to say something, afraid to do something, afraid to suggest something in my current relationship because of how past relationships played out. It’s not that I’m comparing my current relationship to my past ones, it’s just a fear. A fear that was relevant during a long period of time in my life and though I know I’m with someone who cares and who wouldn’t hurt me and who hasn’t hurt me for almost a year now, sometimes I can’t help but still be scared. To still hold back certain things.

Do you remember who you were before people told you who to be?

Sometimes I think I figured my own mind out, but then something happens or something is brought up to remind me that NOPE. Hella nope. I didn’t figure out shit.

While looking for the photo I attached above, which is yes, me; I ran into a bunch of other old photos. Ones I forgot about and ones that made me both mad and sad. I’ve never felt compelled to really delete photos or posts or a time frame of my life no matter how bad it was because pain helps you grow. However for this frame of time, I would happily delete everything.

As the days turn into weeks and months, and the events of that span of time start to fade away the reality is they’re not really fading but being phased out by new memories. I don’t like talking about triggers because I feel like it’s bad juju (I grew up in a household where you should never reveal your weaknesses) and because it’s not anyone’s business but mine really. I never have much to say considering when I am triggered, I withdraw from communication and hide away to myself.

Which in my current relationship my boyfriend is trying to get me to stop doing that and instead talk about it, if there’s anything he can help me with he wants to be there to help. Or even to just listen to what’s going on in my mind. And it’s not to use it against me later but to help me understand that he thinks I’m completely amazing despite my past and what people have conditioned me to believe. And that too is a scary thing to overcome.

I don’t really remember where I was going or why I decided to write this entry especially considering how vague everything turned out to be… maybe I’m still not ready to fully talk about it the way I want to/need to in order to heal, but maybe some time soon.

At least this is one step towards that.

Marriage, Reflecting

Single > Divorced

I stumbled on this little article published by Psychology Today titled “If Being Married Is So Great, Why Do So Many People Cheat?” And a quote really stuck out to me.

“Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.”—Oscar Wilde

The first thought that popped into my head was, I would had rather never gotten married than to experience divorce. It’s like that stupid quote that use to float all over AOL, “It’s better to had loved than to never had loved at all.”

Okay, before you assume everyone feels that way, I’m here to smack you with the fact that some of us would had rather be blissfully UNAWARE.

Although it should be noted that the events of widowhood, and perhaps divorce as well, appear to have long-lasting negative effects.

Awesome, I’m ruined for good. For a marriage I didn’t even want in the first place.

Now I know saying I would rather had never been married than had been divorced is such a heavy statement. But the truth is, I never wanted to be married to begin with. I don’t believe in marriage. And for the most part I don’t think my ex husband did either but since we had been dating for over five years, he felt that the only logical thing was to get married. As much as I had stood my ground against this, he joined the military and well, in order to stay with him we had to get married. Which resulted in the stressors of putting together a “decent” wedding, in eight weeks. I managed to pull it off (and at this point, I’m certain I can make ANYTHING happen after that experience) but I remember crying the night before my wedding because I really did NOT want to get married. I didn’t feel like, even through out my wedding day, that this was going to change anything. You see, my ex husband has always had a child’s mind the whole time we were dating and up until recently I realized I was married to a narcissist (but that’s a different entry all together). So while he made promises of trying harder and all this and that — through our five year marriage none of that happened. Everything was still up to me; financially, emotionally, living wise… he never took part or responsibility or helped when it came to our marriage. Only to, in the end, cheat on me from some girl from fuckin Australia that he worked with that I wasn’t allowed to ever meet, see, or talk to. Oh and he’d hang out with her till 3AM several times a week and not tell me where he was with her. Not to mention he would also spend about 16 hours a day with her once or twice a week. For a year. Not including the times I caught him lying or in another city with her.

Yeah.

So that pretty much solidifies the fact that I think marriage. is. bullshit.

Now I know that every experience is different and every person is different. But it brings truth to this statement.

Analyzing the empirical findings concerning the marriage paradox requires a subtle approach. Indeed, one longitudinal study of the impact of marital transitions on life satisfaction reveals that people who get married and stay married are indeed more satisfied than on average, but they were already so, long before the marriage took place. It seems that, often, happy people are more likely to get and stay married. On average, people get only a very small boost from marriage; most people are no more satisfied after marriage than they were prior to it.

So this suggests that if a person, prior to marriage was already a miserable fucked up person then marriage wouldn’t be able to help that.

I’m again, not saying this is true for everyone.

But it was true in my own situation.

As much as I would love to bash my ex husband I gotta take some credit for this.

I suffered from depression, anxiety and OCD before and during our marriage. His extreme outings with his whore pretty much caused my brain to short circuit and I had to take medication because my anxiety attacks were SO bad. Didn’t help that he refused to leave his date no matter how awful I felt. Taking the medication helped, I felt a sense of emotional freedom I had never experienced before and I gave less of a shit about him and what he was doing behind my back. It didn’t turn me into an emotionless zombie like I had hoped, but it did assist me in getting my mind right.

This also reminds me of a video I stumbled on on Facebook last night called, “I’m a husband, not a boyfriend.”

 

 

Shareeff talks about how he’s a husband before his wife even comes into the picture. He prepares himself as a husband therefore he don’t spend time with girls who are only “girlfriends”. And every thing he mentions really hit home with me. Thinking back on my previous marriage, there was no other step after getting married. My ex husband did not believe in self improvement (yet he rubbed it in my face after marriage that he eventually did and how he’s a better person than me and oh he’s dating that “friend” who he thought of as a “sister” that he dipped out on me for during our marriage), did not believe in stepping up to provide for his family. He didn’t have that mentality. He probably still doesn’t. But he would be considered a “boyfriend” and not a “husband”.

That puts proof into the statement that PT had stated. If you go into something a certain way, that way will continue. When you go into a relationship and decide to go into a marriage but have no intention of changing your ways to suit the relationship then what exactly are you doing besides robbing the other person of something that could be great for them?

I’m not saying I was the perfect wife. Not at all. I had my own issues to deal with. But I did try everything I could — while dealing with my own crap — to help him the best way I could. I offered advice. I offered suggestions. I gave him his space. But none of it was enough. Nothing I said stuck to him at all because he didn’t want my help. All he did was play victim and talk down to me.

Good God, this has turned into like a fuckin academic analysis paper.

While my marriage was an awful experience it did help me grow. It sure did teach me A LOT about myself. Things I was too afraid to face. Things I was too scared to even attempt to overcome. It pushed me to better myself and I found a road to recovery.

But a part of me does wish I never had to experience it. That I could still be blissfully unaware of the downside of marriage and divorce. That I wouldn’t be so jaded or hesitant. That I would still have these good thoughts and ideas when it came to marriage and forever instead of thinking that I’m doomed forever.

But it might also be because the pain is still fresh. Get back to me next year, I’m sure I’ll have my head screwed on a little bit better then.

Marriage, Reflecting

My heart is breaking…

5 years.

5 years ago today I was saying my vows. I was marrying my best friend. It was suppose to be the happiest day of my life. But even from the beginning it wasn’t. Even from the beginning until it was just me and Aileen I had been stressed out. I don’t like people talking to me that early in the morning or fussing over me. I just wanted to do my hair, do my makeup, get dressed and get this over with. I was nervous beyond belief. I remember crying the night before because in less than 24 hours I was going to be married. Something I spited for as long as I can remember. I never wanted to get married. Sure at some point when I was 16 I did, like every other girl, but as I got older I couldn’t really imagine myself with anyone forever. And even now, I still can’t.

Someone gave me some really interesting advice the other day: “Somewhere in the back of your mind you always know if you’re with the person you’re suppose to be with or not. It might take awhile, but when it comes down to it, you’ll always know.”

And that perfectly summed up how I was feeling. How I am feeling. I could never see myself having kids or maybe I just could never see myself having kids with M. I could never see myself changing my last name. Or maybe it was some sort of subconscious way of telling me that I’m not with the right person.

The days when he felt like the right person feels like a million lifetimes ago. I don’t even remember what that feels like. I don’t remember what his eyes looked like when they softened and he would comfort me. I don’t remember what his touch felt like when he’d cuddle me to sleep or braid my hair after a shower. I don’t remember what his smile looks like — his real smile. Or his laugh. I don’t remember how he was before he was who he is now… who isn’t someone I know. Maybe he’s trying to impress his friends, maybe this is the person he’s grown into. All I know is the person living with me today is not someone I know. There’s no intimacy, there’s no love, there’s no safety, there’s nothing. I feel nothing.

And just five years ago, I felt everything.

Why does life work out this way? While I’ve let go of my marriage a long time ago, why does my heart still hurt knowing it’s over? Why am I still scared to venture out into the world and live MY life and leaving him behind?

I know it’s hard to detach yourself from something or someone that you’ve grown with. That you experienced most of life’s lessons with. That you graduated high school with, struggled through college with, learned how to pay bills with, got married with, tried to figure out this spouse shit with…

But I can’t lie, my heart feels like it’s breaking into a million fuckin pieces right now and all I want is my best friend back. But he’s not coming back and I need to realize this. Everything is gone.

It’s time to start over.