life

Baby baby, I feel crazy…

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Abuse.

Relationships.

You never think it could happen to you. It could never be you. YOU would never be that stupid; especially if you managed to escape on abusive relationship.

But that’s the thing — you don’t realize you’re in an abusive relationship until that much later and until you feel so stuck you don’t know what to do or where to go.

The healing process is such a sticky stretch of time.

I can say this and that. I can act this way and that way. But sometimes in the middle of the day I’ll be afraid. Afraid to say something, afraid to do something, afraid to suggest something in my current relationship because of how past relationships played out. It’s not that I’m comparing my current relationship to my past ones, it’s just a fear. A fear that was relevant during a long period of time in my life and though I know I’m with someone who cares and who wouldn’t hurt me and who hasn’t hurt me for almost a year now, sometimes I can’t help but still be scared. To still hold back certain things.

Do you remember who you were before people told you who to be?

Sometimes I think I figured my own mind out, but then something happens or something is brought up to remind me that NOPE. Hella nope. I didn’t figure out shit.

While looking for the photo I attached above, which is yes, me; I ran into a bunch of other old photos. Ones I forgot about and ones that made me both mad and sad. I’ve never felt compelled to really delete photos or posts or a time frame of my life no matter how bad it was because pain helps you grow. However for this frame of time, I would happily delete everything.

As the days turn into weeks and months, and the events of that span of time start to fade away the reality is they’re not really fading but being phased out by new memories. I don’t like talking about triggers because I feel like it’s bad juju (I grew up in a household where you should never reveal your weaknesses) and because it’s not anyone’s business but mine really. I never have much to say considering when I am triggered, I withdraw from communication and hide away to myself.

Which in my current relationship my boyfriend is trying to get me to stop doing that and instead talk about it, if there’s anything he can help me with he wants to be there to help. Or even to just listen to what’s going on in my mind. And it’s not to use it against me later but to help me understand that he thinks I’m completely amazing despite my past and what people have conditioned me to believe. And that too is a scary thing to overcome.

I don’t really remember where I was going or why I decided to write this entry especially considering how vague everything turned out to be… maybe I’m still not ready to fully talk about it the way I want to/need to in order to heal, but maybe some time soon.

At least this is one step towards that.

Hello Spring!

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[credit: google images]

It’s the first day of Spring!

I wish I could be super excited and all happy and cheerful but my roommates boyfriend is here, again.

Anyway, Spring is one of my favorite seasons even if the allergens hit you like a ton of freakin bricks all the time. And even if my eyes get all weirdly puffy here in Florida. But the sun is usually out and the rain doesn’t come for another few months. The weather starts to warm up and who can resist pretty pastel’s everywhere and Easter decor and prepping around the corner?

I always tell myself “when I move next time I’ll deck out my place and I’ll do this and that” and it never happens.

So I’m debating if I should say it this time too or not.

But still here’s to hoping that next Spring I’ll deck my place out and decorate a bit better for Spring; especially since I’ll be living alone with just me and Sophie bear.

 

Weekly Recap; March 12th – 18th

I should post more than just Weekly Recap’s here but sometimes I just don’t know what to say. Daily blogging use to be my thing, my release, my therapy. Even if I had nothing to say, I’d just talk. Maybe I should do that again, it helped me a lot when I was growing up to deal with my problems and find answers or to help me understand that some things just don’t have answers.

This week wasn’t all that eventful; I didn’t leave the house for one. I don’t want to be tempted to spend money since Bubba and I have a big vacation planned coming up (and quick)! So I’ve just been handling some stuff with the new place, bills, trying to some how get ready for the move and figure out how social media works (cause it’s a never ending learning experience).

I’m a bit of a blind box addict (thanks Disney World job and D-Street and Vinylmations!) and that Hopper up there is something I’ve been chasing for about if not over a year now. I’ve gotten pretty much everyone in that collection about 2 or 3 times EXCEPT FOR HOPPER. I don’t know why! But it’s definitely driven me crazy once or twice. When I was in Texas and I told Bubba about this he immediately searched for it on Amazon and had it shipped to me! I finally got him and I couldn’t be happier! Hopper means a lot to me because my last job at Disney was at Animal Kingdom in The Tree of Life with the It’s Tough To Be a Bug show and Hopper was always my favorite part of the show. Every morning when we would make sure everything was good before opening I’d always be so excited to see him and the days when Hopper wasn’t working were very sad and boring work days!

I also got the package that Bubba sent that was the stuff I couldn’t pack in my luggage when I got home — this boy. He spoils me so much that I actually have to ship a box back home every time I see him. SIGH. But every single thing he gets me is something thoughtful. I forgot I had put my Tsum Tsum Pastel Parade’s in there so I was super excited to see them again… and also the Hot Cheetos with Lime that were lining the box. And the World of Final Fantasy guide. And my Beauty and the Beast music box. And BATB plushies. I didn’t take pic of all that was in there but I should had! Maybe piece by piece I will :).

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Weekly Recap; March 5th – 12th

I’m sleepy. I’ve been sleepy all week. Wth.

Why is everything formatted to the right? Dammit WordPress, if something’s not broken why fix it?!

Now I feel like everything’s backwards.

I’m a little annoyed; Sophie pooped behind the table. So since I was cleaning that shit up I decided to just clean more stuff because why not, I’m already here. I still need to mop my bathroom though, and I will, after I write this post — if I ever finish it.

I’m gonna start with last Sunday (damn it’s been a week already?!); I was in Texas apartment hunting last weekend and I got there on Friday and left on Monday, I’m not gonna recap my whole trip in this post. I already did on my lifestyle blog hazearella and I might do one here, you know, just for me.

But we had brunch at Nerdvana, a cute chic cafe with video games scattered around. It’s in Frisco, TX in case you’re wondering. Our booth had a Super Nintendo with Mario Kart. I realized how shitty I am at playing MK now that I’m use to a joystick and not a d-pad. We kept falling off the stage, Bubba did much better than I did though lol. I had the Crab Cake Benedict and he had The Chicken Melt; both were really good. Maybe some day we’ll actually go for dinner and I’ll try one of their potions (how cute are the things they name their stuff?).

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Weekly Recap; Feb 12-Feb 18

I was suppose to spend Valentines Day weekend in Dallas with my boyfriend but I ended up missing my flight because I booked it on the wrong day. Yeah. That’s never happened before. It’s never happened that I didn’t check and double check either. The last few weeks have just been so stress filled that I haven’t been paying attention. I was pretty crushed because Valentines Day was pretty much ruined thanks to me. So I was feeling pretty disappointed at myself and down.

So I did a little bit of shopping, even though it didn’t really make me feel better. Penny ended up getting me even more stuff for Valentines Day. And surprisingly he managed to get my gift to me the day before Valentines Day!

My mom sent me a bunch of Lavender things to help me relax and ease my anxiety. I finished reading Scarlet by Marissa Meyer finally and loved it! I finished Cinder last year and it took me forever to get back into reading. I’m currently working on Cress now and I’m not enjoying it as much but it just started. I also got my Feb Graze box and I’m most excited about these two snacks I got!

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Word Vomit | Too Hopped Up on Drugs

So, 3 years ago I went through a pretty massive mental breakdown and despite the years of therapy I was in for my anxiety I made the choice I told myself I would never give in to — I got prescription drugs to help me cope with my sudden spike in anxiety because my marriage at the time was pretty much imploding on itself.

And you know, it wasn’t so bad. I mean adjusting sucked but besides that, it helped me achieve that sense of relief and calmness I needed to stop my mind (and my heart rate) to feel like it was trying to out dubstep each other each morning and night (which believe me, sucks up a lot more energy than you’d think on a daily basis). It helped me control my anger and my emotions and allowed me to get into meditation a little easier until I felt like I didn’t need the help of drugs as much anymore (though I still took Zoloft on a regular basis, I didn’t take Colozo as often anymore).

Fast forward to like a year or two ago; I started dating someone new who I *thought* at the time was a *decent* person. But turned out to be seriously awful as fuck. He forced me quit my meds cold turkey by force and that resulted in 3 months of withdrawal symptoms that he cared nothing about but watched me suffer and throw up constantly. So I’ve been without meds for almost 2 years now.

Fast forward to now — he took back my iPhone and my PS4 along with all the “stuff” he’s been so desperately been trying to get from my apartment that he left here (which turned out to be a snowboard, two speakers he never even wanted, a jar of rice, a throw pillow and 3 dvd’s). He’s been trying to find a reason to get INTO my apartment for MONTHS after I told him that he’s not allowed in my home EVER AGAIN. Yet he still kept trying to find reasons to come to my front door. I told him I’d leave his stuff at the front office so he wouldn’t have a reason to get through the gate but argued with me that I was being “irresponsible” for not giving him the stuff he left here back. Not to mention he didn’t even SAY anything about it until 3 months after he left and when he found out I was flying out to Texas to hang out with my new boyfriend. Clearly he didn’t care about his stuff THAT much if he NEVER SAID ANYTHING FOR THREE MONTHS. But yet, I’m the bad guy. As always. Okay. Makes sense. I guess.

But apparently now he’s telling my roommate that I did nothing around the apartment we lived in together (even though all he did was complain, trash the place and failed to do the only TWO chores I ever asked him — take out the trash and clean the cat liter), didn’t pay rent, didn’t pay bills, didn’t buy groceries, didn’t even pay for his own gas even though he was the one working (4 hours a day for 4 days a week but whatever) because I was too hopped up on drugs all the time.

Uhm… what drugs?

I’ve never been prescribed Xanax. I never had Zoloft in that apartment and the only thing I had was a bottle of Colozopam that I couldn’t even find until after I moved out of that apartment. But apparently those two drugs make you into a zombie that makes it so that you lay around doing nothing, right? Yeah, that’s TOTALLY what those two drugs do. I don’t see where people get their info from considering it’s not from doctors and they don’t give a shit enough to Google things. They just make up some sort of excuse or reason for things and RUN WITH IT into a fuckin wall because it makes no damn sense.

To which my roommate countered saying that I finish her laundry for her and fold her pants for her when I put them in her laundry bin when they’re done and place them in her room, I clean the kitchen, I make sure the cats have food and water, I do the dishes when she works too much and try and make sure the place is as clean as my anxiety allows me to.

Thanks Harmony <3.

To which he had no response for.

He also dared to say he missed my cat Sophie and how much he loved her. Except he would grab his cat Jane by her neck (I wouldn’t call what he did scruffing because she was clearly yelping for help), throw her on the couch and scream at her when she did any little bad thing.

But I. FREAKIN. GUESS.

I know I shouldn’t let it bother me. People will always pick and choose things about you to say to other people to make you look bad and them look good. Doesn’t mean it’s true. And even if they do tell others, the people who KNOW YOU (and the people who should MATTER) know better and know the real story. So the fact he’s going around saying things like that shouldn’t matter. Everyone knows what I do and what I don’t do. I don’t need to justify or defend myself. Not to mention he’ll tell anyone who listens that his mom has a “severe mental illness” when in reality she has anxiety and she just keeps to herself.

You can tell a lot about a person by what they say about their mama.

My blogs and social media are a timeline of my every day life. Go ahead, tell people this and that. But that’s not what the time stamps on my social media say.

Fuckin idiot.

Every little thing you do got me feeling some type of way…

 

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The beginning of everything

I always wondered how I never knew when I met you that you would mean so much to me worked. I mean yeah, I met people who ended up meaning a lot to me friendship-wise but romantically, I never really understood that. Normally when I meet someone I can tell almost immediately if they’ll be important to me or not.

This guy however, was a complete and utter mystery to me. A friend of mine pushed me to meet him for a pretty long while before I actually gave in to. I was in a pretty bad place at the time and I wasn’t up for meeting anyone.

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WEEKLY RECAP | JAN 15-21 2017

Do I go out every Saturday? This is starting to look like a trend…

Let’s see how this passed week ended up! Shall we?

It started with lots of Sophie hugs. I love how she’ll wrap her tail around my leg, do her little feet shuffle and look up at me. Gah I love this little girl so much! I decided to burn the rest of my Limoncello Poptail candle since it was pretty much almost gone anyway. I love this candle, I don’t even remember buying it but I’m glad I did! The American Home Lemon Cupcake candle was a disappointment with its non existent scent throw so I did the Wal-Mart wax melts inside my Yankee Candle tart warmer (seriously my favorite thing to do — I wish YC would sell empty plastic cups so I wouldn’t have to empty them myself) and this combo is seriously lemon heaven. Mm! I can’t get enough! Also, a house fly decided to die in my freshly made bubble bath… again. This is getting old guys, just stop.

 

I spent one of the days getting BurgerFi (it’s been awhile) which I loveeee. I got my burger wrapped in lettuce like I normally do, a “cry and fry” I hate onion rings normally but I love theirs! And their fries! With a root beer float. Their frozen custard is SO good. I wish I lived closer to one like I use to so I could just pop in for some frozen custard. My Uber driver there was this sweet older lady who I had so much fun talking to! After BurgerFi I headed over to Walgreens since I needed to restock on my disinfectant’s (I prefer Walgreens brand because they’re cheaper and they don’t have harsh chemicals like Lysol does that dry out and fuck up my hands). I also scouted the makeup to see what’s new which was A LOT of Wet N’ Wild and some Jordana liquid lippies. I picked up one, I shoulda picked up more… they were only $5 and the colors were so hard to pick from! They didn’t have my Essie polish I was looking for… booo. It’s probs better that way though. Then I walked over to Publix (it was such a pretty day out and that plaza is one of my favs that I don’t go to enough, I should though!) where I found out I hit 94 pounds… without the excessive kickboxing class. Huh. Maybe that whole you-gain-weight-when-you-age thing is catching up to me? Who knows. All I know is that it’s starting to cause tummy pudge and I need to do crunches and start running again… both of which I hate. But they work. I found the whole set of my green apple shampoo at Publix, hooray! I love this scent but I can’t find it anywhere else but Publix! So weird…

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And on any other day I’d say…

Today was a special day at some point of my life. It was significant. And the reason why doesn’t really matter anymore.

I feel like it should be weird I don’t talk to my ex husband anymore. Or it should be weird that we’re not friends but honestly, it doesn’t feel weird at all. That bond or connection we had before is completely gone and besides asking him if he has something of mine or information I need for documents that happened in our old life I find no reason to talk to him and I’m totally okay with that.

It should be weird to stop talking to someone you’ve talked to every single day since you were 17, shouldn’t it? For some reason for me, it’s not. I guess I’m one of the lucky ones.

Lucky if you consider the fact that my ex husband was creeping around behind my back and lying to my face and turning into some monster I didn’t know over the span of a year thanks to someone he claimed he “saw as a little sister” then dates her after you file for divorce even though she’s in her own country now and to find out shortly after he moves to her country like you can just do that or something.

You seriously don’t know how shady or how stupid people can really be until you divorce them.

I don’t even hate him anymore. I don’t hate her either. They deserve each other.

This year, is my year and I refuse to let them take another year of my time after the two they already took.

I have a legitimate family to take care of and legitimate legal business to handle.

Speaking of…

I’ve been watching YouTube videos based on watercolor. Peoples speed sketches and tutorials. Finding out that I can in fact watercolor my Frozen adult coloring book. Like, that’s awesome news. Buuuuut, I kinda wish I had watercolor pencils to work with since it would be easier than working with gel watercolor paints and making a mess. But who knows, maybe the mess will be fun. I figure it’ll help me practice getting the hang of it all before I start my own sketches and stuff.

Speaking of my family…

Jane is begging to be fed. Cat diets are such a struggle when they give you sad eyes. Sigh.

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How can you say no to that face?!

Hello 2016

2016.

Wow.

Me and you WordPress have been in this for 5 years.

Insane.

I usually have this insane burst of creativity to goal make until my finger falls off when New Years comes around. This year I’m kinda just… whatever happens, happens. I didn’t even partake in my usual traditions last night. Mostly because I was tired by 9pm and already ready to go to bed (is this what getting old feels like?!) but Nick wanted to stay up until midnight, which of course he did because he can’t sleep anyway.

So we played Mortal Kombat and watched the countdown go on. He got out the sparkling apple cider and the fancy glasses. When midnight struck we took pics then kissed haha. Then I went over to snuggle Sophie and give her kisses too.

She’s now sleeping in her cat bed next to me. It’s been awhile since she’s slept in her cat bed, and next to me. She’s been kicked out of the bedroom because she decided to take a kitty stand and pee AND poop on the bed. In the covers. To which I did not discover until after I had taken a shower and was curled up in bed. Also, I did not notice that she had pooped on my sleep shirt I was wearing either.

Great aim Sophie Bear, great aim.

I’m still trying to figure out what’s stressing her out and causing her to act out.

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I made one of these last year too. A much angrier version.

But instead of doing “resolutions” this year, I’m doing goals and of course #onelittleword again because I kinda like the idea.

This years word is Focus.

Nick likes to remind me everything that I’ve accomplished and endured in 2015. Saying that I did great and that I did more in one year than he could ever imagine. But yet it doesn’t feel enough. I didn’t cross anything off my list except for adopt a pet. Oh and I graduated. But I didn’t read more than 10 books (out of the 50-60 I usually aim for), I didn’t learn to make Macrons or Marshmallows or plushies.

My word for 2015 was Rediscover and I think I did a good job of keeping that word in mind through out the year.

So some of the key points of 2015?

  • Finally filing for divorce
  • Adopting Sophie
  • Successfully navigated through Tinder
  • Met a boy
  • Moved an hour away from home
  • Created a life in another city
  • Found a second family that accepts me for me
  • Graduated college
  • Grew my twitter and instagram following
  • Stopped depending on Zoloft
  • Made new friends
  • Got my hands on the Rose Gold iPhone (thanks babe!)
  • Survived my first year of divorce despite the fact I’m still dealing with debt my ex husband left behind and the fact he sold a car I could had totally used and had put in money for while we were still married so he could move to Australia to move in with his 22 year old girlfriend who he was cheating on me with all of 2014 when she was interning at Disney here and who he said was “just like his little sister”. Yeah she doesn’t look like that when she’s sitting on your lap wearing a red dress with her boobs hanging out. Gross. AND I had to find this out for myself because he’s a pile of shit.

 

Thank goodness my life would never suck so hard I would have to leave the country just to survive. Sometimes I make some really shitty choices. Like who to date/marry.

I have a list of goals I hope to achieve this year (in other news…) and though this isn’t the complete list, it’s some of the more important goals.

  • Start blogging more/start making YT videos again
  • Continue to build instagram/twitter audience
  • Start meditating again
  • Try 5 new eats
  • Read 50 books
  • Start a savings account
  • Move
  • Travel
  • Excel in school (I’m not done just yet!)
  • Learn to make Macarons
  • Learn to make Marshmallows
  • Learn to make plushies
  • Learn how to trade Forex
  • Relearn how to play the piano
  • Learn Spanish
  • Learn a bit of Japense
  • Touch up on Tagalog
  • Touch up on Cebuano
  • Touch up on French
  • Touch up on makeup skills
  • Stay more active
  • Stay on top of things

I need to work on purging some stuff and organizing my stuff much more better. This clutter is starting to really get on my nerves.

The fact that I’m no longer on Zoloft is amazing. I mean, I still get anxiety and I still get that kind of anxiety where it feels like someone is stabbing you in the chest and twisting slowly but my anxiety isn’t half as bad as it use to be. I’m very lucky. The withdrawal only took about 3 months to pass too.

So here’s to a new year waiting to be filled with new accomplishments and new adventures!