Hello

Hello September \o/

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This entry is a few days later than I had planned for it to be up, and even now I haven’t really spent much time thinking about what I’m actually trying to say lol so we’re gonna wing it!

My anxiety has been on and off kicking my ass lately, some days it’s not as bad as others and other days I just don’t want to do anything but curl into a ball. I want to attempt to challenge myself this month. I read that the only way to ease anxiety such as OCD is to practice something I absolutely hate and scares the crap outta me — exposure therapy. Though not at very high extreme’s.

At the moment my apartment is damn near done with everything being unpacked, I just have to wash a few more blankets and find a home for certain things, then my whole living room needs to me mopped so I can stop wearing shoes inside my apartment and walk around in slippers like I’ve always wanted to. I personally hate wearing my shoes in my apartment but I didn’t figure that there was a reason to go through a shit ton of cleaning if moving in, building stuff and all that wasn’t even done yet. But now that all of that is, I don’t have an excuse as to why I haven’t mopped besides that I have 3 boxes left to be sorted though.

So one of my goals this month is to finish unpacking those 3 boxes and mop my floor.

October is very very close from now and I normally make an October/Halloween reading challenge list. I somewhat failed that last year so I’m hoping to do better this year. Along with that I want to be better at bookstagramming and being more active on my bookish social media accounts because I do really miss that world.

I have a few creative goals I’m hoping to start this Fall as well; all in all I have high hopes that my restart will begin. Now.

  • Tidy and mop the apartment
  • Read 4 books in preparation for October
  • Pactice bookstagramming and flat lays
  • Research social media tips
  • Practice mindfulness
  • Organize emails
  • Play with makeup more
  • Get 2 of Axelyn’s main classes to 50
  • Make 1 candle
  • Learn to duel (as Bubba’s request)

There are other things like find a job in my field which is going to take some time. But I would like to get a jump start on everything I moved here to do and accomplish.

My anxiety has a tendency to make me not want to move or make me afraid of certain things and I’m tired of being afraid. I try to push myself out of those moments as much as I can but sometimes I just feel like I can’t. When in reality I need to push harder. I need to stop thinking things are so hard cause yeah maybe they are. Maybe they’re beyond my current strength. But how can I get stronger or be better if I don’t try?

I need to learn how to have more faith in myself. To trust myself more. I use to think I was this amazing person who could accomplish everything and then anxiety came around and I lost that mindset. I need to find it, work on it and bring it back. Because if you’re not hyped about your own projects and idea’s how can you expect anyone else to be?

Here’s to a productive month full of adventures, new favorites and starting new goals.

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Hello

The Moving Chronicles | From FL to TX

This is stressing me out. So I figured, why not make a document it. Cause you know me… I like to document everything.

I’ve never moved from state to state that required a moving company and furniture. The last time I moved from CA to FL and back… and back again I had 3 pieces of luggage and that was it. So the move wasn’t that stressful or hard. I mean it was but in different ways. That didn’t cost me over a grand to do.

But this time I have furniture, stuff, important documents and a cat. All of which I need to get from FL to TX. Granted it’s not across the country but it is still proving to be a bit pricey.

My roommate leaves at the end of the month and I found this service on Amazon. As far as I know she hasn’t really ever cleaned/deep cleaned her room or bathroom so I figure I’d use it for when she leaves and they’ll fix everything up. I’ve always been a huge fan of Amazon services since like 2006 so yeah. And it releases some of the stress of me trying to figure out how to pack, clean, sort everything, take care of Sophie and alla that.

I’m just trying to find ways to make this move and process as stress free as I can.

Continue reading “The Moving Chronicles | From FL to TX”

Hello, Reflecting

Hello 2017!

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Seven days in and I’m already slacking!

Goooooooosh.

This year my #onelittleword is g r o w ].

And I have a lot of growing to do. As hard as that is to say. But the truth is, the last two years have been a huge huge mess. And I have a lot to think about and a lot of rediscovering to do within myself.

I’m usually really good at coming up with goals and resolutions for the upcoming year in November. That didn’t happen this time around and I’m struggling with not being disappointed with myself.

2016 was a really hard year. I wish I had recorded more of the hard part just so years from now I can look back and say I can’t believe I picked myself up from that. Depression and struggle use to be my driving force to write. It was my therapy my whole childhood. Why did that stop now? Because the subjects and topics were too controversial? Because I was afraid of offending people? Because people are less understanding and less forgiving when they don’t know the situation? At the end of the day their opinions don’t sleep in my bed or dictate my life. I use to be this blunt, straight forward, idgaf kind of chick and I loved that about myself… then I got scared. And people shouldn’t change who you are, no matter WHO they are.

What do I hope to accomplish by the end of 2017?

Growth.

Mostly.

  • I hope to read 36 books
  • I hope to be able to create a recap video like this one
  • I hope to have a damn near regular blogging schedule
  • I hope to revamp my hazearella instagram feed
  • I hope to be more active on my hazearella twitter
  • I hope to build hermagicandmadness
  • I hope to discover 5 new resturants (yeah we’re back to this)
  • I hope to level my FFXIV Axelyn‘s WHM, BLM, CUL, Fishing, Mining and Weaver to 60
  • I hope to take more pictures
  • I hope to film more of my life
  • I hope to film more YouTube videos
  • I hope to incorporate more Hygge into my life
  • I hope to learn more French
  • I hope to incorporate meditation back into my life
  • I hope to discover more favorite’s
  • I hope to start making lists again
  • I hope to tidy my life
  • I hope to take one step closer to figuring it out

 

I don’t have any extreme goals like I normally do. And I’m sure I’ll add more goals as I think of them. I’m trying to be more realistic about my goals and I’m trying to learn to trust the process as much as I don’t enjoy it.

So here’s to making more memories at 2017.
Finding more joys.
Discovering more favorites.
And growing.

Hello

September Goals

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I know people say this about every month but seriously… can you believe it’s already September?! Because I seriously can not! That means I’ve been with Nick for five months. Sophie has had her forever home for six months and in two months I’ll be graduating from college! This fall is big on celebration!

Not to mention I’m launching two businesses this month as well and starting a new job.

Yeah, it’s going to be a busy fall and winter!

But isn’t it crazy how life falls together after it falls apart? This time last year I was a complete mess. My marriage was falling apart. I was calling the suicide hotline more times than I should be. I was heavily on anti depressants. My favorite toy was a knife I kept hidden under my clothes in my nightstand. I had a husband who couldn’t bother being there for me. He was too busy entertaining some 21 year old girl until 3am multiple nights a week for a year. I honestly never thought that this time last year that my life could be as good as it is today. I honestly thought I wouldn’t even live to see today.

I recently cut off all contact with my ex husband. Because the truth is he’s not my best friend. He’s not someone I can trust. How can you be “best friends” with someone who constantly LIES to you? How can you trust someone like that? And for him to go off and start dating the girl who ruined our marriage? He never respected me and this just proves it so why should I keep him in my life? Who cares if he’s the closest thing I have to family here? Nick’s family has had no problem including me into their home and their lives, making sure I’m okay when my PMS is too heavy. Nick acts more like a husband than my own ex husband ever did in the whole 12 years we were together. I always think about the day I met Nick in person and how natural I felt around him. I was my usual hyper chatty GUESS WTF JUST HAPPENED TO ME self. I wasn’t shy, I wasn’t self conscious. Nothing. I felt like I was seeing a friend again after a long time of not seeing them.

Anyway, off topic. Whew, sorry!

S e p t e m b e r   G o a l s !

→ Launch both businesses
→ Update resume
→ Read 8 books
→ Acquire Pikmin for Wii U
→ Start blogging regularly
→ Update blog themes/layouts
→ Pass this class with an A+
→ Start a savings account
→ Start meditating and light yoga every morning
→ DRINK MORE WATER
→ Eat better
→ Plan for October November and December
→ Tidy apartment and full on decorate for Halloween
→ Stick to Yankee Candle products
→ Give Sophie a soapy bath
→ Organize bathroom
→ Start journaling
→ Keep up with gratitude jar
→ 
Do a better job of keeping in touch with friends
→ Close several credit cards (I know but it has to be done)
→ Don’t sweat the small stuff
→ Read more comics
→ Finish watching Sword Art Online

 

 

I’m sure there are more important things I want to make sure I do this month but this is all off the top of my head. I’ve been majorly hooked on Sword Art Online the anime lately. Nick has a CrunchyRoll account and pretty much any anime that has to do with people being stuck in an RPG is my jam lol. But I’m absolutely enjoying SAO and I just found out that they’re releasing a SAO game for the PS4!!! OMG I’m so excited! I know I’ve been fighting with Nick over the fact I don’t need a PS4 right now  but now that SAO is coming out… well I need one. Like. Yesterday. Even though the game doesn’t come out until some time next month. But Nick did pre-order it for me (thanks babe, you da best)! Eeeeeeeeee!! He also found this RPG app for the iPhone I was watching him play while we were waiting at the bank earlier today and it was so cute I had to download it. I’m such a sucker for RPG’s with cute mobs!

I’ve been doing a lot more gaming and obsessing over video games like I use to once upon a time that Nick keeps saying “WHY DONT YOU JUST APPLY HERE” every time I go to GameStop to ask if something is up for pre-order and how much of a drag the fact that it’s not up for pre-order is going to be. I guess it turns him on to know his girlfriend nerd speaks lol! Other than that we’ve been collecting collectibles and board games. We just got Disney Infinity which I’ve been fighting him NOT to get but 3.0 is everything you had hoped 1.0 would had been. We got the Star Wars starter pack (naturally) so that’s pretty exciting. Haven’t run into any Sith’s yet but I’M READY! Haha.

Okay enough babbling, I have stuff to get done! 🙂

Reflecting

Things I love about myself

I’m feeling a little down and I was thinking of making a Facebook status that said Hey guys, feeling down, anyone wanna share something they think is cool about me? But I figured that would be thirsty and I don’t really know how well people actually know me anymore. So I figured, why don’t I write a list of things I love about myself instead.

The last month has sucked for me. Straight up just sucked. And negative emotions have been flying all over the place. I’ve called the Suicide Hotline about 3 times. And not so much because I’m about of jump off my building or anything but because I just wanted someone who doesn’t know me to talk to. Without feeling judged. I’ve also done a lot of self reflecting in the last week or so and I’m working towards being a healthier me but emotionally, spiritually, mentally (hopefully) and physically.

I have a bit of an addiction to sleeping aids and I’ve realized that while I do love that awesome drowsy feeling, every day I wake up I’m pretty much a zombie. Depending on what I take I won’t even remember what I did that next day. Like, at all. While that seems great to someone who can’t stop thinking and feeling, it’s pretty much not considering you’re running away from your problems.

Anyway! On with the list!

  • I think I’m pretty funny and quirky
  • I love that I’m nerdy and I never get embarrassed about geeking out over something I love
  • I love that obsess over things and fall in love with fictional characters easily
  • I love that I’m not afraid to be who I am in front of other people anymore
  • I love my eyes, I think they’re kinda cool
  • I love my long thick hair. Though I’d love it more if it stopped clogging the drain
  • I love how aware I am of my mental illness and how I’m not afraid to talk about it
  • I love that I’m into a million different things that are totally unrelated
  • I love how excited I get when I discover a new dubstep song and I’m waiting for the beat to drop
  • I love how looking at pictures of pretty food makes me happy
  • I love how much I love Instagram and Pinterest
  • I love all the messed up things that have happened in my life because despite that sometimes it catches up and traps me it helps me learn how to be a better me
  • I love how I love kickboxing, that’s probably the most unexpected thing to ever happen to me
  • I love that I’m a little bit ghetto and I love where I came from
  • I love how watching Wishes and The Electric Parade are enough to remind me to follow my dreams
  • I love how I follow my dreams, like, sometimes it’s kinda over the top
  • I love how I want to do ALL THE THINGS. ALL THE TIME.
  • I love how my day is usually focused on what I’m going to eat
  • I love that I love being home versus out in a club
  • It might not be much to look at when I’m not active but I kinda really love my ass
  • I love my hips

Maybe I shoulda narrowed it down so I could continue to do this through a number of days. I need to remind myself that I do love myself and that I am worth someone’s time and attention. I need to make sure that my opinion of myself is the ONLY opinion that should matter and I need to remind myself that I’m enough. Whatever happens in my life or in my marriage does not define WHO I am or WHAT KIND of wife I am. Not everything revolves around me. I didn’t fail as a best friend and I didn’t fail as a wife. Sometimes life just gets in the way but I didn’t fail. And I’m not a failure.

I’m a work in progress, but at least now, I’m actively working on it. I’ll be okay and when I get through this I’ll be a better, happier, healthier me.

Hello

June is for…

Talk about being a bad blogger, I don’t think I wrote one single blog post (or even read one *SHOCKER*) in the entire month of May. And the sad part is aside from working all the time I don’t even remember anything that happened in May. I will not let June slip passed me!

  • Blogging more — I’ve got lots of content to get up!
  • Organizing — The mess in this apartment is frustrating
  • Budgeting — Because… well I can’t say just yet (:
  • Starting new TV shows — I feel so out of the loop!
  • Relaxing more — Because I’m obviously incapable of doing so

It’s Hurricane Season here and while I didn’t mind it so much the last time I was here (considering I wore pants to work and not a skirt with flats) it’s stressing me out a little. I get that it rains an awful lot in Florida but for some reason, this time around, I just can’t  deal.

Work has kept me busy and tired, but I’m determined to make this month more memorable!

Happy June!

 

Hello

March 2013 Goals

Ironically, I did this last year too. I mean, I had a monthly “resolution” list for awhile in 2012 until I just got too busy to do them anymore. But with the start of a new month, I always like to challenge myself. Even if now I’m challenged with finding time to sleep. You only live once people! 😛

So here are a few things I would really really like to get done this month —

  • Read 4 – 8 books
  • Get Disney food blog up and running
  • Try one thing from the EPCOT Flower Festival once a week
  • See Wicked
  • Try the Earl of Sandwich Holiday Sandwich
  • Tidy living room — for real
  • Try one new wine
  • Organize closet
  • Buy boots (yes, seriously)
  • Open a savings account
  • Sign up for a new credit card

Nothing too over the top, right? Right. I feel like all I’m doing is waking up, going to work, eating, taking a shit and going to sleep. And that sort of really makes life boring. And irritating. So maybe if I start doing these monthly lists again then I can point my time into something I really want to do and since it’s written down, I have to do it lol.

Also, here’s hoping that I don’t work six days again the week after next because really, four weeks with only one day off? And next week the one day I have off isn’t even a day with M so that really effen blows.