Reflecting

For 12 years, I waited…

I took a Disney solo trip yesterday, the first time in two years! It’s crazy to notice how much my life has changed in the last two years, in the last 3 years, in the last 4 years. And how quickly and vastly it changed too.

I was walking through Tomorrowland in Magic Kingdom to get to Main Street so I could find a good spot for the Festival of Fantasy parade.

And as I was walking through Tomorrowland and passing the race cars, then the bathrooms, then the ice cream shop, making my way around People Mover (which I wanted to get on but I didn’t want to risk missing the parade), passing Buzz then Monster’s Laugh Floor I got hit with random memories.

In 2011 when myself and my then husband first did our Disney College Program he was put in Tomorrowland which at the time I thought was funny because right before our program I finally got around to watching Toy Story and fell in love with Buzz Lightyear. How ironic he was working that attraction. During his training he was with two girls — Allison and Zafi. Zafi seemed to have a crush on him from day one whereas him and Allison “naturally” just didn’t like each other. After their training was over the next thing I knew they were best friends and weeks after that going on best friend dates, whatever the fuck that even is.

Call me crazy but how could you possibly be best friends with a girl you hated just less than a month ago that you barely know? Maybe it’s just me but if I’m married to someone, I better be your only female best friend (besides if you’ve had one since you were a kid, that’s different. But no new bitches)! Every group of interns had a dance at the end of their program, I’ve always been insecure (or I was, I’m not anymore) about wearing dresses but a friend of mine went dress shopping with me for this dance. Everyone told me how cute I looked… everyone but my husband who didn’t say anything. Yet the next night after the dance I found text messages of him messaging Allison about how beautiful she looked or how pretty she was through out the week or how her hugs made him so happy he didn’t want to let go.

Clearly after finding shit like that you’d be curious to know what the FUCK is going on. Though he assured me nothing was going on as they kept going on “best friend dates”. They often took midnight trips to Wal-Mart, alone. There were rumors going on about them and one of his friends — Amy had dropped some info on my lap at one point. He found out I had been talking to Amy and got mad at me. That began the whole “I don’t want you coming to see me at work” and “I don’t want you talking to any of my friends”. So I was a bit banned from Tomorrowland, any time I would stop by when I was in Magic Kingdom just to say hi he would get angry. I often left heartbroken and sad; but one thing that always stopped me in my tracks was Wishes, the fireworks show. I would be on my way out as quickly as I could but Wishes always stopped me. I’d stand on Main Street and watch it until it was over.

Even years later and many girls of the same situation later; when I moved behind Magic Kingdom, the nights he’d leave me alone to hang out with yet another girl I wasn’t allowed to meet ever, I’d sit in front of my apartment on the curb and watch Wishes (without the music, but it was still just as magical).


For 12 years I waited for him to be a husband, considering he’s the one who wanted to get married in the first place. Not me.

For 12 years I waited for him to defend me against his family who would talk crap that didn’t make sense about me, but he never did.

For 12 years I waited for him to defend me against one of his hoes who had something bad to say about me, but he never did.

For 12 years I waited for that fairytale element of marriage where you’re in bed together at the end of the day talking about your day, it never happened.

For 12 years I waited for him to say, “hey, I know you’re stressed from school and work let me take you out to dinner”, but he never did.

For 12 years I waited for him to… I don’t even know. But waiting for 12 years for things that were never going to happen was 12 years too long.

Everything that went wrong was naturally my fault. Everyone who had something bad to say about me I deserved it.

Things only got worse from Allison, maybe I’ll write about the others another day. But for now, I just needed to get this off of me.

I’m mad about the things that happened, the things that went on, the things that kept going on, the fact he couldn’t man up and apologize, at the way I was treated and how situations were handled. I knew I deserved MORE and BETTER than that and yet I stayed. I stayed because I was scared. Scared I would never find a bond like the one I had with him. So I stayed, and kept getting pushed to the side for other people.

And now, years later, I wonder why. Why did I think I would never find a bond like the one I had with him? Why did I think that was as good as I was gonna get? That’s such an insane thought. There are 7 billion people in this world, who is he in the sea all of them?

And now, years later I’ve found someone who I have an even stronger bond with, a bond I didn’t think was even real. And for almost a year he’s helped me through every step of every single healing process that’s come up.

Marriage, Reflecting

Single > Divorced

I stumbled on this little article published by Psychology Today titled “If Being Married Is So Great, Why Do So Many People Cheat?” And a quote really stuck out to me.

“Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.”—Oscar Wilde

The first thought that popped into my head was, I would had rather never gotten married than to experience divorce. It’s like that stupid quote that use to float all over AOL, “It’s better to had loved than to never had loved at all.”

Okay, before you assume everyone feels that way, I’m here to smack you with the fact that some of us would had rather be blissfully UNAWARE.

Although it should be noted that the events of widowhood, and perhaps divorce as well, appear to have long-lasting negative effects.

Awesome, I’m ruined for good. For a marriage I didn’t even want in the first place.

Now I know saying I would rather had never been married than had been divorced is such a heavy statement. But the truth is, I never wanted to be married to begin with. I don’t believe in marriage. And for the most part I don’t think my ex husband did either but since we had been dating for over five years, he felt that the only logical thing was to get married. As much as I had stood my ground against this, he joined the military and well, in order to stay with him we had to get married. Which resulted in the stressors of putting together a “decent” wedding, in eight weeks. I managed to pull it off (and at this point, I’m certain I can make ANYTHING happen after that experience) but I remember crying the night before my wedding because I really did NOT want to get married. I didn’t feel like, even through out my wedding day, that this was going to change anything. You see, my ex husband has always had a child’s mind the whole time we were dating and up until recently I realized I was married to a narcissist (but that’s a different entry all together). So while he made promises of trying harder and all this and that — through our five year marriage none of that happened. Everything was still up to me; financially, emotionally, living wise… he never took part or responsibility or helped when it came to our marriage. Only to, in the end, cheat on me from some girl from fuckin Australia that he worked with that I wasn’t allowed to ever meet, see, or talk to. Oh and he’d hang out with her till 3AM several times a week and not tell me where he was with her. Not to mention he would also spend about 16 hours a day with her once or twice a week. For a year. Not including the times I caught him lying or in another city with her.

Yeah.

So that pretty much solidifies the fact that I think marriage. is. bullshit.

Now I know that every experience is different and every person is different. But it brings truth to this statement.

Analyzing the empirical findings concerning the marriage paradox requires a subtle approach. Indeed, one longitudinal study of the impact of marital transitions on life satisfaction reveals that people who get married and stay married are indeed more satisfied than on average, but they were already so, long before the marriage took place. It seems that, often, happy people are more likely to get and stay married. On average, people get only a very small boost from marriage; most people are no more satisfied after marriage than they were prior to it.

So this suggests that if a person, prior to marriage was already a miserable fucked up person then marriage wouldn’t be able to help that.

I’m again, not saying this is true for everyone.

But it was true in my own situation.

As much as I would love to bash my ex husband I gotta take some credit for this.

I suffered from depression, anxiety and OCD before and during our marriage. His extreme outings with his whore pretty much caused my brain to short circuit and I had to take medication because my anxiety attacks were SO bad. Didn’t help that he refused to leave his date no matter how awful I felt. Taking the medication helped, I felt a sense of emotional freedom I had never experienced before and I gave less of a shit about him and what he was doing behind my back. It didn’t turn me into an emotionless zombie like I had hoped, but it did assist me in getting my mind right.

This also reminds me of a video I stumbled on on Facebook last night called, “I’m a husband, not a boyfriend.”

 

 

Shareeff talks about how he’s a husband before his wife even comes into the picture. He prepares himself as a husband therefore he don’t spend time with girls who are only “girlfriends”. And every thing he mentions really hit home with me. Thinking back on my previous marriage, there was no other step after getting married. My ex husband did not believe in self improvement (yet he rubbed it in my face after marriage that he eventually did and how he’s a better person than me and oh he’s dating that “friend” who he thought of as a “sister” that he dipped out on me for during our marriage), did not believe in stepping up to provide for his family. He didn’t have that mentality. He probably still doesn’t. But he would be considered a “boyfriend” and not a “husband”.

That puts proof into the statement that PT had stated. If you go into something a certain way, that way will continue. When you go into a relationship and decide to go into a marriage but have no intention of changing your ways to suit the relationship then what exactly are you doing besides robbing the other person of something that could be great for them?

I’m not saying I was the perfect wife. Not at all. I had my own issues to deal with. But I did try everything I could — while dealing with my own crap — to help him the best way I could. I offered advice. I offered suggestions. I gave him his space. But none of it was enough. Nothing I said stuck to him at all because he didn’t want my help. All he did was play victim and talk down to me.

Good God, this has turned into like a fuckin academic analysis paper.

While my marriage was an awful experience it did help me grow. It sure did teach me A LOT about myself. Things I was too afraid to face. Things I was too scared to even attempt to overcome. It pushed me to better myself and I found a road to recovery.

But a part of me does wish I never had to experience it. That I could still be blissfully unaware of the downside of marriage and divorce. That I wouldn’t be so jaded or hesitant. That I would still have these good thoughts and ideas when it came to marriage and forever instead of thinking that I’m doomed forever.

But it might also be because the pain is still fresh. Get back to me next year, I’m sure I’ll have my head screwed on a little bit better then.

Hello

Pick yourself up, dust it off and start again…

stuckinthislife

Happy New Year!

I haven’t done resolutions in awhile just because… I don’t know. I wanted to do #onelittleword last year instead and I did which I think I did fairly well sticking to.

The word was Happiness. And basically I would do whatever made me happy. Of course it’s not that simple… but I think in the end of it all, I did what I had to do to be happy which was my journey to a healthier mental state. Of course there are things that heavily also contributed to this but I like to think everything happens for a reason and perhaps this whole… crap that went on last year in my life was some sort of blessing in disguise. Of course realizing your husband and main for the last ten years is a pile of shit who has no interest at all in respecting you also sucks but hey, at least I know now and not another ten years from now when we have kids. Cause then I would really be mad.

So this year my #onelittleword is simple Rediscover. No I don’t have a solid idea to what I even mean by that but I have an idea I suppose. Enough of an idea to probably lead me to where I need to be. It’s a bit more fun this way too, discover as I rediscover. Yeah. Anyway, I haven’t really thought of any solid resolutions besides read 50 books this year instead of 30 and try to keep my eyes on the goal and stay positive.

I also need to start cleaning this place up and slowly start packing stuff up. This is gonna be a bitch. A bitch of an adventure!

Here’s to 2015 and all the adventures, experiences, changes and challenges that await me! And to finally getting out of Florida!

Marriage, Reflecting

My heart is breaking…

5 years.

5 years ago today I was saying my vows. I was marrying my best friend. It was suppose to be the happiest day of my life. But even from the beginning it wasn’t. Even from the beginning until it was just me and Aileen I had been stressed out. I don’t like people talking to me that early in the morning or fussing over me. I just wanted to do my hair, do my makeup, get dressed and get this over with. I was nervous beyond belief. I remember crying the night before because in less than 24 hours I was going to be married. Something I spited for as long as I can remember. I never wanted to get married. Sure at some point when I was 16 I did, like every other girl, but as I got older I couldn’t really imagine myself with anyone forever. And even now, I still can’t.

Someone gave me some really interesting advice the other day: “Somewhere in the back of your mind you always know if you’re with the person you’re suppose to be with or not. It might take awhile, but when it comes down to it, you’ll always know.”

And that perfectly summed up how I was feeling. How I am feeling. I could never see myself having kids or maybe I just could never see myself having kids with M. I could never see myself changing my last name. Or maybe it was some sort of subconscious way of telling me that I’m not with the right person.

The days when he felt like the right person feels like a million lifetimes ago. I don’t even remember what that feels like. I don’t remember what his eyes looked like when they softened and he would comfort me. I don’t remember what his touch felt like when he’d cuddle me to sleep or braid my hair after a shower. I don’t remember what his smile looks like — his real smile. Or his laugh. I don’t remember how he was before he was who he is now… who isn’t someone I know. Maybe he’s trying to impress his friends, maybe this is the person he’s grown into. All I know is the person living with me today is not someone I know. There’s no intimacy, there’s no love, there’s no safety, there’s nothing. I feel nothing.

And just five years ago, I felt everything.

Why does life work out this way? While I’ve let go of my marriage a long time ago, why does my heart still hurt knowing it’s over? Why am I still scared to venture out into the world and live MY life and leaving him behind?

I know it’s hard to detach yourself from something or someone that you’ve grown with. That you experienced most of life’s lessons with. That you graduated high school with, struggled through college with, learned how to pay bills with, got married with, tried to figure out this spouse shit with…

But I can’t lie, my heart feels like it’s breaking into a million fuckin pieces right now and all I want is my best friend back. But he’s not coming back and I need to realize this. Everything is gone.

It’s time to start over.

Marriage

Cause we’re young and we’re reckless…

Funny how much can change in a month. In a week. In a weekend. In a day. In an hour. In one single fuckin minute.

I’ve tried and I’ve tried to stay positive, continue on this thin path of self recovery and rediscovery and find my happiness but something like that is hard to find when the person you’re with is on the complete opposite of where you are and isn’t interested in giving themselves the chance to change their own lives. Like my friend always tell me you can’t want something for someone more than they want it for themselves and expect it to happen. But if my job is to challenge you, push you, inspire you… why would you just turn your back on me so easily? Will you ever face the things that bother you?

Along this journey and along this craptastic year I’ve learned so much more about myself than I thought I ever would. I can not freakin wait for this year to finally BE OVER but in a really resistant sort of way, I’m glad that the shit things that happened, happened. Because it made me realize that maybe I’m not suppose to be here… with you. It opened my eyes to the things that, now thinking back, have always been there but I just looked passed them I guess. I never really pointed them out or paid much attention to it and now finally SEEING this, it’s driving me crazy.

I’m the type of person who has a million crazy idea’s and I get inspired super easily and the holidays excite me. I love the lights, the colors, the music, the air, the peppermint everything… I love it all. And when I look beside me and the person I’m with is sort of just grazing over everything, has no opinion on how to trim the tree, has no idea’s on how to decorate the apartment or on a tradition we should start… it kind of sucks. And my mom keeps telling me, she had do it too. My dad didn’t put much effort into the holidays but she put up the tree, turned on the lights, turned on the music, bought favorite foods… but she wasn’t happy. And it’s crazy to hear her tell me that 29 years later when I think about my childhood Christmas and how perfect things were before my dad went and shattered that image. I thought of how festive she made everything. I thought of how she keeps the lights on well after everyone’s fallen asleep and the music. So if I go to pee in the middle of the night the lights and music is still softly playing and the house is warm. And the cats are still awake. She pulled it together, for her kids. She tried to make it as normal as she could. And if I look back, I couldn’t tell she wasn’t happy.

I don’t know how many times I’ve called her crying and she’ll ask me what happened. She’ll ask if he hit me. She’ll tell me it’s okay to feel disappointed. It’s okay to be sad and angry. It’s definitely okay to cry and she will sit on the phone with me until I’ve slowed down and ask me normal questions, talk about normal things. Sometimes she’ll say something sarcastic and I’ll end up laughing when I cry. But she always tells me it’s okay to sit down and cry once in awhile, as long as you get up and do something positive and productive after. She knows how hard this is for me, because she went through the exact same thing and it sucks. It sucks that my biggest fear when it came to marriage is coming true. And I think of all that shit that’s like you subconsciously pick someone just like your dad. And crap like that. I mean, we were 19, does that really count? I didn’t know.

I took down the Christmas stuff, folded the tree back up and told him if he wanted Christmas then he can put the tree back up and the fairy lights I spent 4 hours making and he didn’t want to help me put them on. It’s cool, whatevs. But mom is right. This is my apartment and if I want to enjoy Christmas then I SHOULD. And no one should have the power to take anything away from me. I’m finally on my own and I can do whatever I want.

So let’s do that. Let’s deck the shit out of this apartment. Let’s run up the electric bill with lights. Let’s craft something festive. Let me make something beautiful and bright to send this shit year off with.

Cause 2015 is mine. And fuck you if you try to take it from me.