Reflecting

For 12 years, I waited…

I took a Disney solo trip yesterday, the first time in two years! It’s crazy to notice how much my life has changed in the last two years, in the last 3 years, in the last 4 years. And how quickly and vastly it changed too.

I was walking through Tomorrowland in Magic Kingdom to get to Main Street so I could find a good spot for the Festival of Fantasy parade.

And as I was walking through Tomorrowland and passing the race cars, then the bathrooms, then the ice cream shop, making my way around People Mover (which I wanted to get on but I didn’t want to risk missing the parade), passing Buzz then Monster’s Laugh Floor I got hit with random memories.

In 2011 when myself and my then husband first did our Disney College Program he was put in Tomorrowland which at the time I thought was funny because right before our program I finally got around to watching Toy Story and fell in love with Buzz Lightyear. How ironic he was working that attraction. During his training he was with two girls — Allison and Zafi. Zafi seemed to have a crush on him from day one whereas him and Allison “naturally” just didn’t like each other. After their training was over the next thing I knew they were best friends and weeks after that going on best friend dates, whatever the fuck that even is.

Call me crazy but how could you possibly be best friends with a girl you hated just less than a month ago that you barely know? Maybe it’s just me but if I’m married to someone, I better be your only female best friend (besides if you’ve had one since you were a kid, that’s different. But no new bitches)! Every group of interns had a dance at the end of their program, I’ve always been insecure (or I was, I’m not anymore) about wearing dresses but a friend of mine went dress shopping with me for this dance. Everyone told me how cute I looked… everyone but my husband who didn’t say anything. Yet the next night after the dance I found text messages of him messaging Allison about how beautiful she looked or how pretty she was through out the week or how her hugs made him so happy he didn’t want to let go.

Clearly after finding shit like that you’d be curious to know what the FUCK is going on. Though he assured me nothing was going on as they kept going on “best friend dates”. They often took midnight trips to Wal-Mart, alone. There were rumors going on about them and one of his friends — Amy had dropped some info on my lap at one point. He found out I had been talking to Amy and got mad at me. That began the whole “I don’t want you coming to see me at work” and “I don’t want you talking to any of my friends”. So I was a bit banned from Tomorrowland, any time I would stop by when I was in Magic Kingdom just to say hi he would get angry. I often left heartbroken and sad; but one thing that always stopped me in my tracks was Wishes, the fireworks show. I would be on my way out as quickly as I could but Wishes always stopped me. I’d stand on Main Street and watch it until it was over.

Even years later and many girls of the same situation later; when I moved behind Magic Kingdom, the nights he’d leave me alone to hang out with yet another girl I wasn’t allowed to meet ever, I’d sit in front of my apartment on the curb and watch Wishes (without the music, but it was still just as magical).


For 12 years I waited for him to be a husband, considering he’s the one who wanted to get married in the first place. Not me.

For 12 years I waited for him to defend me against his family who would talk crap that didn’t make sense about me, but he never did.

For 12 years I waited for him to defend me against one of his hoes who had something bad to say about me, but he never did.

For 12 years I waited for that fairytale element of marriage where you’re in bed together at the end of the day talking about your day, it never happened.

For 12 years I waited for him to say, “hey, I know you’re stressed from school and work let me take you out to dinner”, but he never did.

For 12 years I waited for him to… I don’t even know. But waiting for 12 years for things that were never going to happen was 12 years too long.

Everything that went wrong was naturally my fault. Everyone who had something bad to say about me I deserved it.

Things only got worse from Allison, maybe I’ll write about the others another day. But for now, I just needed to get this off of me.

I’m mad about the things that happened, the things that went on, the things that kept going on, the fact he couldn’t man up and apologize, at the way I was treated and how situations were handled. I knew I deserved MORE and BETTER than that and yet I stayed. I stayed because I was scared. Scared I would never find a bond like the one I had with him. So I stayed, and kept getting pushed to the side for other people.

And now, years later, I wonder why. Why did I think I would never find a bond like the one I had with him? Why did I think that was as good as I was gonna get? That’s such an insane thought. There are 7 billion people in this world, who is he in the sea all of them?

And now, years later I’ve found someone who I have an even stronger bond with, a bond I didn’t think was even real. And for almost a year he’s helped me through every step of every single healing process that’s come up.

Marriage, Reflecting

Single > Divorced

I stumbled on this little article published by Psychology Today titled “If Being Married Is So Great, Why Do So Many People Cheat?” And a quote really stuck out to me.

“Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.”—Oscar Wilde

The first thought that popped into my head was, I would had rather never gotten married than to experience divorce. It’s like that stupid quote that use to float all over AOL, “It’s better to had loved than to never had loved at all.”

Okay, before you assume everyone feels that way, I’m here to smack you with the fact that some of us would had rather be blissfully UNAWARE.

Although it should be noted that the events of widowhood, and perhaps divorce as well, appear to have long-lasting negative effects.

Awesome, I’m ruined for good. For a marriage I didn’t even want in the first place.

Now I know saying I would rather had never been married than had been divorced is such a heavy statement. But the truth is, I never wanted to be married to begin with. I don’t believe in marriage. And for the most part I don’t think my ex husband did either but since we had been dating for over five years, he felt that the only logical thing was to get married. As much as I had stood my ground against this, he joined the military and well, in order to stay with him we had to get married. Which resulted in the stressors of putting together a “decent” wedding, in eight weeks. I managed to pull it off (and at this point, I’m certain I can make ANYTHING happen after that experience) but I remember crying the night before my wedding because I really did NOT want to get married. I didn’t feel like, even through out my wedding day, that this was going to change anything. You see, my ex husband has always had a child’s mind the whole time we were dating and up until recently I realized I was married to a narcissist (but that’s a different entry all together). So while he made promises of trying harder and all this and that — through our five year marriage none of that happened. Everything was still up to me; financially, emotionally, living wise… he never took part or responsibility or helped when it came to our marriage. Only to, in the end, cheat on me from some girl from fuckin Australia that he worked with that I wasn’t allowed to ever meet, see, or talk to. Oh and he’d hang out with her till 3AM several times a week and not tell me where he was with her. Not to mention he would also spend about 16 hours a day with her once or twice a week. For a year. Not including the times I caught him lying or in another city with her.

Yeah.

So that pretty much solidifies the fact that I think marriage. is. bullshit.

Now I know that every experience is different and every person is different. But it brings truth to this statement.

Analyzing the empirical findings concerning the marriage paradox requires a subtle approach. Indeed, one longitudinal study of the impact of marital transitions on life satisfaction reveals that people who get married and stay married are indeed more satisfied than on average, but they were already so, long before the marriage took place. It seems that, often, happy people are more likely to get and stay married. On average, people get only a very small boost from marriage; most people are no more satisfied after marriage than they were prior to it.

So this suggests that if a person, prior to marriage was already a miserable fucked up person then marriage wouldn’t be able to help that.

I’m again, not saying this is true for everyone.

But it was true in my own situation.

As much as I would love to bash my ex husband I gotta take some credit for this.

I suffered from depression, anxiety and OCD before and during our marriage. His extreme outings with his whore pretty much caused my brain to short circuit and I had to take medication because my anxiety attacks were SO bad. Didn’t help that he refused to leave his date no matter how awful I felt. Taking the medication helped, I felt a sense of emotional freedom I had never experienced before and I gave less of a shit about him and what he was doing behind my back. It didn’t turn me into an emotionless zombie like I had hoped, but it did assist me in getting my mind right.

This also reminds me of a video I stumbled on on Facebook last night called, “I’m a husband, not a boyfriend.”

 

 

Shareeff talks about how he’s a husband before his wife even comes into the picture. He prepares himself as a husband therefore he don’t spend time with girls who are only “girlfriends”. And every thing he mentions really hit home with me. Thinking back on my previous marriage, there was no other step after getting married. My ex husband did not believe in self improvement (yet he rubbed it in my face after marriage that he eventually did and how he’s a better person than me and oh he’s dating that “friend” who he thought of as a “sister” that he dipped out on me for during our marriage), did not believe in stepping up to provide for his family. He didn’t have that mentality. He probably still doesn’t. But he would be considered a “boyfriend” and not a “husband”.

That puts proof into the statement that PT had stated. If you go into something a certain way, that way will continue. When you go into a relationship and decide to go into a marriage but have no intention of changing your ways to suit the relationship then what exactly are you doing besides robbing the other person of something that could be great for them?

I’m not saying I was the perfect wife. Not at all. I had my own issues to deal with. But I did try everything I could — while dealing with my own crap — to help him the best way I could. I offered advice. I offered suggestions. I gave him his space. But none of it was enough. Nothing I said stuck to him at all because he didn’t want my help. All he did was play victim and talk down to me.

Good God, this has turned into like a fuckin academic analysis paper.

While my marriage was an awful experience it did help me grow. It sure did teach me A LOT about myself. Things I was too afraid to face. Things I was too scared to even attempt to overcome. It pushed me to better myself and I found a road to recovery.

But a part of me does wish I never had to experience it. That I could still be blissfully unaware of the downside of marriage and divorce. That I wouldn’t be so jaded or hesitant. That I would still have these good thoughts and ideas when it came to marriage and forever instead of thinking that I’m doomed forever.

But it might also be because the pain is still fresh. Get back to me next year, I’m sure I’ll have my head screwed on a little bit better then.

Marriage, Reflecting

My heart is breaking…

5 years.

5 years ago today I was saying my vows. I was marrying my best friend. It was suppose to be the happiest day of my life. But even from the beginning it wasn’t. Even from the beginning until it was just me and Aileen I had been stressed out. I don’t like people talking to me that early in the morning or fussing over me. I just wanted to do my hair, do my makeup, get dressed and get this over with. I was nervous beyond belief. I remember crying the night before because in less than 24 hours I was going to be married. Something I spited for as long as I can remember. I never wanted to get married. Sure at some point when I was 16 I did, like every other girl, but as I got older I couldn’t really imagine myself with anyone forever. And even now, I still can’t.

Someone gave me some really interesting advice the other day: “Somewhere in the back of your mind you always know if you’re with the person you’re suppose to be with or not. It might take awhile, but when it comes down to it, you’ll always know.”

And that perfectly summed up how I was feeling. How I am feeling. I could never see myself having kids or maybe I just could never see myself having kids with M. I could never see myself changing my last name. Or maybe it was some sort of subconscious way of telling me that I’m not with the right person.

The days when he felt like the right person feels like a million lifetimes ago. I don’t even remember what that feels like. I don’t remember what his eyes looked like when they softened and he would comfort me. I don’t remember what his touch felt like when he’d cuddle me to sleep or braid my hair after a shower. I don’t remember what his smile looks like — his real smile. Or his laugh. I don’t remember how he was before he was who he is now… who isn’t someone I know. Maybe he’s trying to impress his friends, maybe this is the person he’s grown into. All I know is the person living with me today is not someone I know. There’s no intimacy, there’s no love, there’s no safety, there’s nothing. I feel nothing.

And just five years ago, I felt everything.

Why does life work out this way? While I’ve let go of my marriage a long time ago, why does my heart still hurt knowing it’s over? Why am I still scared to venture out into the world and live MY life and leaving him behind?

I know it’s hard to detach yourself from something or someone that you’ve grown with. That you experienced most of life’s lessons with. That you graduated high school with, struggled through college with, learned how to pay bills with, got married with, tried to figure out this spouse shit with…

But I can’t lie, my heart feels like it’s breaking into a million fuckin pieces right now and all I want is my best friend back. But he’s not coming back and I need to realize this. Everything is gone.

It’s time to start over.

Marriage, Reflecting

Risking it although it’s hard…

I know I have not been here in forever and I always think back to updating this blog but it seems like… I don’t know. I have so much to say but not enough to say, if that makes sense? This year has been really tough on me; emotionally and mentally. I’ve gone on journey’s and I’ve gone into angry rages. I’ve tried simple yoga and meditation. I’ve researched mindfulness and I try to practice gratitude as often as I can. My mom has been sending me lots of cards with positive reminders and advice which has helped me every time I’ve fallen off the path I’m on. Right now I feel like I’m sitting on a rock within my path making faces at the ground because I don’t know… well I do. But honestly I’m lazy. This path is never ending. But I know if I just stick with it and if I just keep pushing instead of curling up into a ball in my closet wishing the day away I’ll get better and easier. I wish I could believe in myself the way people believe in me. Then again, no one would feel worthless if that were to actually happen and we’d never know personal struggle or personal improvement or what it’s like to strive for something, would we?

Those who know me in real life or on my social media sites probably had an indication that I was on my way to being separated/divorced by the time the summer had ended. A lot of really bad and hurtful stuff happened and I didn’t know what to do, all I knew was I wanted to get out as quickly as I could. That he would never understand the pain he put me through and maybe I should had written about it somewhere but I didn’t. I mostly just kept to myself and cried and at some points I didn’t even get out of bed until 5PM just to go back to bed at 8 or 9. It was seriously awful. As someone who wants to do ALL THE THINGS and who’s constantly making lists in her sleep and finding places to eat to not even being hungry. I lost 10 pounds in one month and I’m slowly gaining the weight back but I was SO sad at myself. I let myself down, it wasn’t about him or what he did anymore it was the fact that I disregarded myself and my health because of something someone else was doing to me. And that’s what got me into positive thinking, meditating, yoga, practicing gratitude… was that no one teaches you that YOU are capable of creating YOUR OWN happiness. That YOU should NEVER make SOMEONE ELSE responsible for your happiness. And I should had known this, right? I swear I knew this when I was younger. But just because you’re older and married doesn’t mean you should lose sight of the fact that if you can’t love yourself then how can you expect anyone else to love you?

Since then we’ve talked about it and I think we’re finally on a path to recovery. To being best friends again. To the communication we use to have with each other. It’s a slow process and it’s going to take a lot of time but the truth is people can give you all the advice they want (most of them being “you should break up with him and find someone else” like it’s that easy or not putting other factors into consideration) but it’s YOU who has to LIVE with the CHOICE you make. At the end of the day, at the end of your life, it’s still YOUR choice.

I came across this today and it totally just made an impact on everything that’s happened recently and in the last few months.

Pretty powerful, right? I think once the intimacy stops that’s when problems start. My husband is really into skin-to-skin contact. I remember when we were kids he use to do this thing when I’d get sad where he’d lift my shirt to expose my belly and lift his shirt to expose his and he’d rub our bellies together saying “belly rub! belly rub!” like seriously, how can you NOT cheer up after that? He’s obsessed with morning cuddles and spending time together. We both noticed the other doesn’t touch the other anymore. And so we say something. He always makes sure to grab my hand now even if we’ve literally just stepped out the door. And I remember if we were walking around my house back in CA, like to go downstairs or something he’d always hold my hand. He’d hold my hand while he was playing video games. He was constantly making skin-to-skin contact. I don’t get it, but apparently it’s something he needs. I’m happy with just being cuddled, as long as he doesn’t fall asleep cause then he’ll drool and I’ll be irritated.

Marriage is hard and it sucks how hard it is, no matter how long you’ve been together or what you’ve been through or what life will throw at you next. But when you think about it, really think about it, could you imagine your life without this person in it anymore? One thing that got to me was a good friend of mine recently divorced her husband, they had grown up together and were together for 10 years too and it just blew me away how easily she just let him go. She had this perfect fairytale wedding and this fairytale marriage that most people may never experience. At least I know my marriage will never be that cute or fairytale-ish and she just let it go like it was no big deal. Like he never meant anything to her and it’s just crazy, seeing someone go through that process over weeks. I could never imagine myself letting go of M that easily. It would be impossible. And I wouldn’t be able to let him go if I didn’t at least try to make things better. Like M always says; no one in this world knows us better than the other person. And though he was making rash mistakes I should had known better and I should had been more confident that no one knows him like I do. And no one ever will. And that the things he’s going through are his things and perhaps, though he had hurt me over and over, I should had asked him what was wrong. And that is the hardest part, knowing something is troubling your spouse and not having the courage to ask them to talk about it because their actions are hurting you.

And yeah, maybe that’s stupid to say because they shouldn’t be hurting you at all. But the reality of it is that we’re all human. We all have shit we’re dealing with. Shit that we’ll tell people and shit we won’t tell a soul. And there’s all this talk about when you get married you’re sacrificing everything for the other person because that’s what you agreed to. I half believe that’s true and I half don’t. You should still be able to BE YOU. And YOU should ALWAYS come first. Regardless if you’re married or not. So find that balance. Or surrender and show compassion first. Maybe the other person really needs it and doesn’t know how to ask for it. Or is too ashamed to, regardless of how well you know each other. And there shouldn’t be anything wrong with that.

You’re here to learn together and grow together. To help each other figure out this life thing.

At least, that’s my perspective on things.

Marriage

When do you start feeling married?

After M and I got married people would always ask us, “so how does it feel to be married?” and we’d just look at each other and reply with “it doesn’t feel any different”. This post should be going on my lifestyle blog but I figured why not post these thoughts here too since this blog is me.

I came across someones board post on The Nest (love that site by the way, was obsessed with The Knot before we got married) saying that they lived together prior and shared a checking account so to her it didn’t feel any different. I can relate to that; maybe to us it doesn’t feel any different because the very first bank account M ever opened on his own he addded me to it, no hesitation. At the time I lost my bank account for reasons I can’t remember anymore. Since then we’ve switched banks 3 or 4 times, each time he’s added me to his account. We were 19 at the time by the way. His main bank account now has me on it while my main bank account does not have him on it (personal issues, totally different blog post). He just opened a new bank account (at 27) that does not have me on it because the bank was being difficult, not because he didn’t want me on it. We’ve shared credit card accounts since we were 19. We’ve both pitched in to pay them.

We made all of our big life decisions growing up (that sounds so strange) together, the only thing we didn’t do was live together and while we saw each other and spent time with each other every day (mostly at each other’s houses) I quickly learned when we finally did live together — just the two of us — it wasn’t the same thing.

Perhaps because we’ve already gone through the major things that couples bicker about that there’s nothing left to bicker about so we don’t.

Well that sucks, does that mean I won’t have the huge “ahh I’m married” epiphany I always dreamed of?! lol

Hello

Same shit, different day

There’s so much I want to write about, so much I want to say but every night I come home from work the only thing I can think of is; will I have enough time to eat dinner? What time do I have to get up for work tomorrow and why is the place a mess again? Here we relay on the buses provided by Disney housing to get us to work but those buses aren’t always on time and they take an hour to get anywhere. So I can either be an hour early for work or twenty minutes early for work (which is hardly enough time to get to the cast building, put your stuff away and make it on the floor on time. Forget it if you’re planning on eating at work like I usually do. So I’m tired, I’m very very tired. It was in the 80’s yesterday with high humidity, then it started raining which made the humidity even higher. While I’ve missed this beautiful weather, I hate that I have to wear flats to work because if it’s raining while I’m walking from the bus stop to work, I’m pretty much fuckin screwed. My locker isn’t even big enough to store rain boots in if I chose to. And for some reason my hands and feet were swelling from the heat yesterday. While that happens slightly, it’s never happened like it did yesterday, my shoes were squeezing me. But once I got into the building with A/C I was okay. Kindaaaaa strange.

I managed to finish a book this week. Just one book. Sad, right? I’m reading Infinite Days as my “travel” read like on the bus, at work, etc. and at home I’m reading Things I Can’t Forget because I’m participating in a blog tour for it next month. I’ve been on a bit of a contemporary kick.

I don’t spend half as much time online as I use to so when I get free time like this, I feel anxious and frantic. I have all these blogs to maintain and I want to read, I want to spend as much time relaxing as I can, I have to check my email, and work on maintaining on keeping the place clean. Have you ever lived with a boy? It’s not good times, seriously. It’s like everywhere he goes, he leaves a trail of mess behind him. You’re tired, I get it. But I’m tired too. Clean up your shit. That’s not fair. It’s the tired talking right now. And my swollen ankles/knees from walking on flats all day every day. How do women adjust to something so awful?!

Hubby has been doing good since we’ve been here — he’s been highlighted three times at work so far (we’ve only been here a month, but we’re returning Cast Members. I’m just glad his fellow Cast Members see how much of a hard worker he is), he’s been invited to a pretty snazzy committee, he’s been passing his classes and doing his homework on the very very very little free time he has, he’s been running errands for me after work if I need something — even if it means having to go to the store at midnight after work on the way home via bus and walking, he makes sure I eat before work and I eat after work before I go to bed and if I have a 6AM or 8AM shift he makes sure to set his alarm because he knows I probably set mine wrong and makes sure I get up in order to catch the bus on time. He’s also been spoiling me a bit!

I hope that within time I’ll stop being tired, because there is a point where it happens. But I’ve only been here a month, I’m still adjusting. But once I stop being so tired I’m going to start jogging and spending more time on the blogs.

Off to my next task!

Marriage

About marriage…

Before I had gotten married, I was use to being alone. I valued my alone time. The quiet times I got with myself where I got to think and write and just be by myself. I guess growing up the way I did, you could take it in two ways: loneliness or salvation.

When I got married, it wasn’t just me anymore. It was us or we. There was another person in the room, the apartment, the house, the car with me. I knew where all my stuff was, even though for someone with OCD I have clutter everywhere I had a good idea of where things I’d most likely look for is. But now there was additional things in places I didn’t want them. Instead of silence there was “boo, where’s my ____?” which would be right in front of his face. Or “boo, where’s my ____?” which would be in his jeans pocket even though I washed those 3 times this week (how do men do it!?). Or my favorite “boo, it’s sooo hot.” which would be code for could you get me a drink? which I would respond with a middle finger which is code for fuck yourself.

Even though M and I had been dating almost 6 years by the time we go married, having him around all the time took pretty much forever to get use to. I don’t know if it’s because in some odd way it WAS different or because I didn’t want to let go of the idea of having my “me time”.

We didn’t live together for the first 6 months we got married because of complications. People get a little turned off by this, like it’s a sin or it’s so unheard of but it wasn’t that big of a deal to us. It wasn’t what I had ideally imagined when I was younger but you know, life always just happens. Getting use to him being around might have also taken a long time to get use to since we were living in my parents house until we moved out on our own that following January.

When people asked “so, how does it feel to be married?” I always responded with, “eh, no different.” but again, that’s probably because we didn’t live together at first.

And when we had our own apartment that’s when I realized it was different. It was very different. You would think that after 7 years together and 1 year of marriage I would know a guy right? WRONG. Being with someone and living with someone are two completely different things! He liked to leave dishes in the sink (which I had to constantly remind him to soak in water), he liked to leave messes after he was done cooking, he liked to leave his socks in a nice little pile next to his bed (instead of in his hamper) and it didn’t bother him that his clothes never made it TO his hamper, just next to it (IT’S RIGHT THERE. THROW A LITTLE HARDER NEXT TIME). He liked to leave the A/C on to 40º when he left for work (so when I’d come home it would be FREEZING). And once he left the oven on. HOW?!

So yes, it was different. And irritating. And frustrating. And I pretty much hated it.

But he’d also make me lunch (bagel bites and fish sticks) before work if he was home. He would make me breakfast (scrambled eggs over salad) when I wouldn’t wake up fast enough. He would have dinner ready for me when I got home from work on the days I had to close and be up in 4 hours to open and he would blow dry my hair as quick as he could, tuck me in, kiss me good night and turn off all the lights so I could sleep even if he couldn’t. He would leave me little gifts for me to find when I got home from work sometimes if he was working later than me and he always offered to do my half of the laundry for me if I was stressed out or it seemed like I wouldn’t have enough time.

After 2½ years, I can’t really tell you what marriage is like. It changes frequently. We change frequently. People always say we get along so well, that we must never fight but we do. Just not so often. We pretty much did the most of our fighting while we were dating. But I can tell you marriage is a challenge. But then so is life. I don’t believe that marriage should take work. I think you two should know each other enough at that point to know what does and doesn’t work. I’m not saying the marriage should be easy because what would be the fun in that? It should be challenging. It should be frustrating. But it should be fun.

Certain days I think my marriage sucks. I think marriage in general sucks. But I can’t deny that it is always fun. I have someone who senses my frustration and my anxiety and does his best to make it go away.

He frustrates me to no end but I’ve never been this happy in my life.