memories

For 12 years, I waited…

I took a Disney solo trip yesterday, the first time in two years! It’s crazy to notice how much my life has changed in the last two years, in the last 3 years, in the last 4 years. And how quickly and vastly it changed too.

I was walking through Tomorrowland in Magic Kingdom to get to Main Street so I could find a good spot for the Festival of Fantasy parade.

And as I was walking through Tomorrowland and passing the race cars, then the bathrooms, then the ice cream shop, making my way around People Mover (which I wanted to get on but I didn’t want to risk missing the parade), passing Buzz then Monster’s Laugh Floor I got hit with random memories.

In 2011 when myself and my then husband first did our Disney College Program he was put in Tomorrowland which at the time I thought was funny because right before our program I finally got around to watching Toy Story and fell in love with Buzz Lightyear. How ironic he was working that attraction. During his training he was with two girls — Allison and Zafi. Zafi seemed to have a crush on him from day one whereas him and Allison “naturally” just didn’t like each other. After their training was over the next thing I knew they were best friends and weeks after that going on best friend dates, whatever the fuck that even is.

Call me crazy but how could you possibly be best friends with a girl you hated just less than a month ago that you barely know? Maybe it’s just me but if I’m married to someone, I better be your only female best friend (besides if you’ve had one since you were a kid, that’s different. But no new bitches)! Every group of interns had a dance at the end of their program, I’ve always been insecure (or I was, I’m not anymore) about wearing dresses but a friend of mine went dress shopping with me for this dance. Everyone told me how cute I looked… everyone but my husband who didn’t say anything. Yet the next night after the dance I found text messages of him messaging Allison about how beautiful she looked or how pretty she was through out the week or how her hugs made him so happy he didn’t want to let go.

Clearly after finding shit like that you’d be curious to know what the FUCK is going on. Though he assured me nothing was going on as they kept going on “best friend dates”. They often took midnight trips to Wal-Mart, alone. There were rumors going on about them and one of his friends — Amy had dropped some info on my lap at one point. He found out I had been talking to Amy and got mad at me. That began the whole “I don’t want you coming to see me at work” and “I don’t want you talking to any of my friends”. So I was a bit banned from Tomorrowland, any time I would stop by when I was in Magic Kingdom just to say hi he would get angry. I often left heartbroken and sad; but one thing that always stopped me in my tracks was Wishes, the fireworks show. I would be on my way out as quickly as I could but Wishes always stopped me. I’d stand on Main Street and watch it until it was over.

Even years later and many girls of the same situation later; when I moved behind Magic Kingdom, the nights he’d leave me alone to hang out with yet another girl I wasn’t allowed to meet ever, I’d sit in front of my apartment on the curb and watch Wishes (without the music, but it was still just as magical).


For 12 years I waited for him to be a husband, considering he’s the one who wanted to get married in the first place. Not me.

For 12 years I waited for him to defend me against his family who would talk crap that didn’t make sense about me, but he never did.

For 12 years I waited for him to defend me against one of his hoes who had something bad to say about me, but he never did.

For 12 years I waited for that fairytale element of marriage where you’re in bed together at the end of the day talking about your day, it never happened.

For 12 years I waited for him to say, “hey, I know you’re stressed from school and work let me take you out to dinner”, but he never did.

For 12 years I waited for him to… I don’t even know. But waiting for 12 years for things that were never going to happen was 12 years too long.

Everything that went wrong was naturally my fault. Everyone who had something bad to say about me I deserved it.

Things only got worse from Allison, maybe I’ll write about the others another day. But for now, I just needed to get this off of me.

I’m mad about the things that happened, the things that went on, the things that kept going on, the fact he couldn’t man up and apologize, at the way I was treated and how situations were handled. I knew I deserved MORE and BETTER than that and yet I stayed. I stayed because I was scared. Scared I would never find a bond like the one I had with him. So I stayed, and kept getting pushed to the side for other people.

And now, years later, I wonder why. Why did I think I would never find a bond like the one I had with him? Why did I think that was as good as I was gonna get? That’s such an insane thought. There are 7 billion people in this world, who is he in the sea all of them?

And now, years later I’ve found someone who I have an even stronger bond with, a bond I didn’t think was even real. And for almost a year he’s helped me through every step of every single healing process that’s come up.

How do you do it, you got me losing every breath…

SPiNNiNG: Latch by Disclosure

On days or nights I get really bad anxiety or I just don’t feel like talking I tend to blast the hell out of this song — it reminds me a lot of when I first met Penny and how obsessed we were with each other. Of course, five months later it’s hardly like that anymore. That’s just the typical timeline of a relationship.

Last night was weird; the day was fine. Nothing triggered me, nothing really went on during the day. Everything was fine. I had a bit of a reality slap during my late lunch but it wasn’t anything epic or serious really. Just the realization that I don’t have a s/o’s company this holiday season is a thing that’s happening. And it made me realize I haven’t ever been alone alone since I was 17. Granted I was married for 11 years but still, the realization that you’ll be completely alone during the holidays after that long of not is something that can be hard to swallow sometimes. It definitely puts a little bit of a panic on my mind but I’ll be fine, I’m sure. It’ll just be… different. And a lot more empty. But people go through this all the time, right? It’s not fatal.

I got sent home from work early and did a little bit of shopping so I mean, that was pretty exciting and happy.

So I went home and I went to unpack the Christmas stuff and put away the Halloween stuff. I’m not happy with it just yet but I’m still trying to figure out what to do with the place too. I still need to tidy and all of that — I’m hoping to get most of that done within the next week. Mostly because I’m tired of the mess around the place. And the boxes. But I found my small white tree that typically goes in my room. My theme this year are reds/browns/steampunk even though my room has white lights and garland. It’s whatever. One of these years I’ll go full on theme-y.

img_3570

It wasn’t until later that night that I got anxious and depressed and I couldn’t really figure out why. The last thing I remember was looking through the Christmas stuff that Nick had packed away and remembering what last Christmas was like — before he started being mean and how fun it was going all out with someone who was just as excited as you were to decorate the place. Our apartment was a Christmas wonderland last year. I loved it. I loved it so much. I was actually really sad when we had to take everything down.

But that isn’t really something to be sad about. And it was way random. I was always about making my own traditions and I have a good handful of them. Why should this year be any different? It shouldn’t.

But yet last night was still really rough and annoying anxiety-wise.

I just started feeling worthless and hopeless and not worth anyone’s time. I was basically throwing myself a really intense pity party and it’s been a good while since I’ve done any of that crap so I wasn’t too happy with myself because I’m suppose to be stronger than that. I’m suppose to get those thoughts out of my mind before they take over. But I couldn’t and I didn’t.

I’m a little better now though and I suppose that’s all that really matters.

You are now on the other side of sanity…

I came across this blog under my “On This Day” app for my old FB page this morning. I remember those days and it’s so strange to think that they were five years ago. And that my life is nothing like that now.

This year the holidays/December isn’t as festive as I had wanted/hoped they would be. I guess it’s still better than last year when I had pretty much nothing though, right? Still I had hoped to go to Disney yesterday which didn’t happen and it looks highly unlikely that I’ll be going at all in December. I’ve only been to Magic Kingdom ONCE since I moved to this shit ass boring city and I haven’t been to any of the other parks since before I moved. And I moved here in July. So…

I honestly sometimes feel like I went from a fucked up marriage to a struggling relationship and that’s not what I wanted. I’m so burned out by other peoples problems. I’m suppose to be focusing on me. I’m suppose to be doing things that make ME happy. I’m suppose to be selfish for once. To live my life the way I want to. And I’m back to feeling like I can’t do that — still.

Oh well, I guess there’s always next year.

I guess.

Hey wassup, hello!

… yeah, that really just happened.

I blame Nick for being so obsessed with Fetty Wapp. Not that he’s a bad dude (Nick OR Fetty) or that his music sucks (cause it really doesn’t) but… well okay the whole blame can’t go to Nick. Some of it goes to a meme I keep seeing around Instagram. It’s pretty great. I’d include it in the post but you can’t right click and save Instagram images. But it basically says something along the lines of…

Be your own trap queen, cook your own pies, hey wassup hello to your damn self.

It makes me giggle every time I see it.

Anyway

I know I’ve been gone a long long long time. I just… haven’t felt up to writing lately. And that’s okay. I’m not going to beat myself up for it like I was at some point.

This year has been challenging and weird and tiring and just down right… I’m so ready for it to just be over. Not that anything is really going to restart once the new year comes along but I can pretend and sometimes, that’s all you need to stay sane.

I’ve been a bitter mess lately. For a number of reasons (the third year in a row I don’t get to see my family for the holidays, the first holiday season being a divorcee, living in a city I know nothing about, my ex husband is a complete dipshit that I wish would find his way to the bottom of a lake, did I mention not being able to see my family… for a third YEAR in a ROW?) and one night I burst into tears in the middle of telling Nick something I found on Instagram and slipped into a really weird panic attack.

Nick, being the overly amazing supportive boyfriend he is dropped his game controller, rushed over to me, took me in his arms even though I had just showered and was in my pj’s and my anxiety woulda killed me at that point, wiped away my tears forcing me to look at him and he was like, “hey, you’re with ME now. we’ll go, and you’ll be totally fine, and we’ll make our own memories. okay?”

I can’t put into words how amazing it is when the person you’re with knows how much something means to you. How much it hurts you at the same time and how badly they want you to have amazing memories instead. He tries SO hard.

Since then I see all these other people in worries within their own relationships and I wonder why they stick around to be treated like that. Don’t they know that someone amazing is out there waiting for someone exactly like them? And so many of these things I look and think with complete confidence Nick would NEVER do that to me. And I realize how lucky I am. When I look back at the beginning of our relationship, it blows me away just how lucky I got.

It was Nick who drove me to the courthouse to get the right paper work to file for divorce in April even though my ex husband grabbed the papers that previous of November but grabbed the completely wrong papers not to mention my ex husband had refused to sign and file his half. It was Nick who took me apartment hunting for weeks to find a new place of my own. I signed my new lease in May and I wasn’t due out until August.

Through all that he never once threw any of it in my face. All he wanted was for me to be happy, to be safe and to start over into the life I was dreaming about. All he ever wanted to do was help. He will never know just how MUCH help he’s provided since I met him until this day. He was always there and he’s never hid the fact that he wants to see me nothing but happy.

Out of a painful and shitty situation came a beautiful new beginning.

I know I don’t give Nick enough credit. But I plan to start. Because he deserves to know how amazing he is and how thankful both me and Sophie are to have him in our life.

Sometimes I just wanna quit, be normal for a bit

SPiNNiNG: Where’d You Go by Fort Minor

What is normal? I’m reading back on blogs from today 2007 and I do this thing where I block out shit. Any day to day shit from 2005 til now? I couldn’t really tell you. I remember bits and pieces and I block out everything else. So when I read back to my struggles and how hard and shitty life was it does something to me. I don’t know exactly what. It’s a feeling of missing those times (because I shopped like no ones business) but sad because my life has always been hard.

I wrote an entry yesterday on a private blog about how a favorite lifetime vice of mine when I’m down and out was always the answer but never the solution and I feel like that applies to a lot of things I do. In high school I was out of control and reckless and I would get into anything if it meant killing the pain. Numbing my mind and tricking myself into think that somewhere someone would want me. Even if it was for less than hour.

And I hurt people doing that and at the time I didn’t care, all I cared about was myself. My feelings. And I turned my back on people who would literally show up at my door just to see how I was doing. Who would pick up the phone and dial my number just to see if I was okay.

But people change, people are always changing.

I don’t know what the point of this post is. I guess I just needed to talk. I needed to run through memories and piece it together.

I still don’t have my solution. And I’m still running to answers.

Except this time I don’t have people coming to my door or dialing my number to see if I’m okay.

I got to know, is there a place for me?

NOW SPiNNiNG: Who Can I Run To by Xscape

A long long time ago I had a boyfriend who lived in Florida (ironic and random, right?). He was, for lack of better word, intense. It was one of those short lived seriously serious yet seriously not that serious relationships. If that makes sense. He has recently crept back into my mind and I’m not really sure why, considering there isn’t much to remember. But there is.

I remember sitting in my childhood best friends room during her birthday party. Her cousin c-walking around her room, her trying to copy his moves and me talking to my boyfriend. “Yeah, just watching my friends cousin c-walk… it’s kinda hot.” “oh you think that’s hot? Alright, I’ll c-walk for you one day baby.” He was ghetto. A ghetto raver/racer/c-walker who wore beanies and hats. He had a low sleepy voice. We would stay up until 5AM my time talking all night long. I don’t even remember about what. Not realizing back then that it was 8AM his time. Gawd, our relationship must had been exhausting.

I remember when we broke up and all this drama spewed. Like I said, he was intense. And a little hurtful. I remember bits and pieces of it. I also remember dating a mutual friend so I guess I wasn’t that torn up about it.

It’s one of those things that bring a smile and a scowl to my face. He’s vanished off the face of the planet a long time ago, I couldn’t even try to contact him now if I tried. But I do wonder how he is, if he remembers me.

It’s kinda funny when you look back on past relationships and hope that the other person is doing nothing but well.

At Last…

Nine years ago today started off like any other school day and ended like any other typical day — at M’s house watching TV, eating dinner with his family then watching MXC before I had to go home. I remember we had chocolate chip chocolate ice cream after dinner that night and at that point I was starting to wonder if he’d ever ask me out since we had been “talking” for about three months at this point. He was obviously into me since he insisted on calling me babe just a month before and refused to call me anything else, even though we weren’t dating. I remember sitting and watching TV while eating my ice cream and he kept kissing me saying my lips were soft and when we move out, he’s going to buy me a lifetime of ice cream to keep my lips kissably soft. Kinda strange, but I rolled with it.

After awhile he tried to get my attention and all he said was, “how does the fifth sound?” and I said no thinking he said something else and he was like, “… no?” and I was like “wait, what are you asking? I don’t get it” and he’s like “you’re ruining my game” and I was like “uhh yeah, still don’t know what you’re asking me” and he was like, “Fine! Babe, will you go out with me?” lol I’ll always find it funny that he phrased it that way!

We were never the type of people to have long term relationships my longest relationship prior was barely six months and his longest relationship prior was about two weeks, or a month, I don’t remember. Either way, we weren’t long term people.

And yet, here we are, nine years later.

I loved you then, I love you now and I’ll love you always.

Happy 9 years besterest friend. I care about you, foreal foreal

We do dumb shit when we think the world will end

Here we are, December 21st 2012.

Now there are some people who are saying it won’t come into effect until 6pm but it’s December 22nd in France right now, so…

The last time the world was suppose to “end” I wrote a letter to a guy I liked that I liked him. Folded it up and told him not to open it until some day, this was before winter break so yeah, there was a stretch of two weeks to choose from. Anyway, this was in 1999 (you know, before Y2K) so I don’t remember if he mentioned that he read the letter or if he didn’t but I’m pretty sure since the world had not ended (like it was suppose to and swallow me whole) I avoided him for probably a month. Which is pretty impressive considering it’s hard  to avoid someone during band practice when your have a tiny band.

Back then I was absorbed in happily ever after and how amazing a relationship would be… you know, all the thoughts you have before you ever end up in a relationship? Yeah, those. But I was a really quiet and shy person. I was also really awkward but I had a tiny flame of determination. I had the whole live-with-no-regrets thing and so while I told guys I liked them, I didn’t really know where to go from there and I didn’t really know the best way to tell them. Then again, when you’re like 14 is there even a “best way” to tell someone you like them? At that age everyone else is pretty awkward (even the popular kids, they just hide it better).

Looking back on it, that was sorta silly, wasn’t it? I mean, in a way? Who the heck writes someone a letter to pour out their feelings for them because the world might end? Like what’s the other person suppose to do with that?

Though I  guess there are other people who do much worse things when they think the world is going to end…

It’s just emotions, taking me over…

It’s over and done, but the heartache lives on… inside. And who is the one you’re clinging on instead of me, tonight? And where are you now? Now that I need you. Tears on my pillow. Wherever you go.

You’ll never see me fall apart…

Ah. November 29th, here you are. Again! Okay, that’s not fair.

Once upon a time in a time far far away there was a girl suffering from the deepest heartache she will ever endure in her entire life. I mean, EVER. I mean guys, it was painful to breathe. I may be over exaggerating but I mean, according to memory… maybe it was because it was my first real heartbreak and I gave him everything only to be, in the end, ditched and lied to and it was awful. But what did I really expect? We were kids and I think at that point, I had forgotten that. You don’t find the love of your life at 16. I mean, maybe you do, but most don’t.

There was a time when the 29th of every month killed me. I refused to do anything. I wouldn’t go to school, I would call out of work, I would lay in bed and literally sleep all. day. long. For about two years. I kid you not. All my friends gave me the same advice when I needed to know how to let go — keep yourself busy. So I took 8 classes in high school (including an early morning Saturday class) and worked two jobs, one was 6 days a week after school and another was one day a week between school and my main job and yet, with all that going on… it didn’t really help. I still spent the very little free time I had thinking about him. And I don’t know, maybe I just wasn’t ready to let him go. At that time I thought I was never going to be ready to let him go but I didn’t understand why it was so hard since he obviously didn’t care about me. Sure we were “friends” but in private. He didn’t want anyone knowing we were friends, not even our mutual friends. So, I mean. And yet I let him treat me that way.

And to make it worse we agreed to be friends with benefits which, not kidding, lasted a year and a half but he didn’t want to date me. Or let people know we were friends. Or anything. I pretty much let the boy who shattered me get away with it and use me. I figured you know, him wanting me for ten minutes was better than him not wanting me at all. And now, looking back, that’s the dumbest logic ever but at the time it made total sense in my state of denial. And yeah at times I thought he’d get over it and realize he was still in love with me — which trust me, he wasn’t.

The last time I saw him was 9 years ago when he slept with me and promptly shoo’d me out of his apartment after. I haven’t seen or heard from him since and I honestly don’t really feel like I’m missing out. The last time I saw him, I betrayed someone who did care about me because he betrayed me first and at the time that’s the person I was, obsessed with revenge. But this person, he made me realize that I was worth more than what my ex was doing. I was worth to be loved, truly loved. He got me over the most painful heartbreak of my life.

The number 29 doesn’t bother me anymore but because of that intense pain, it’s always going to tug just a little at me. Like I’m suppose to be remembering something but most of the time I don’t and I end up brushing it off.

I think tonight I’m thinking about it because my puppy is sick and he’s named after our acronym. I went back to the day we got him, to that summer and he was there. I remember how tiny Jay was and how fluffy and full of life and now as I was saying good night to him he looked so sad and defeated. He’s a strong pup, he always bounces back and even though he’s 11 now, I’m sure he’ll be okay. He’s gotta be okay…

Music Monday | Spend My Life with You by Eric Benet & Tamia

I couldn’t find the actual video, booo! And there’s another version I really like but I don’t remember who Benet was with in that one.

Cold days do things to me, like I mentioned in a previous blog. Today is one of those things. I woke up in a bit of a bad mood this morning and I’ve been avoiding conversation for the majority of the day.

Ironically I turned on my Spotify and ended up listening to my Slow Jams playlist. It’s mostly songs from the AOL days. The AOL days when it was cold and winter-y and I’d sit in chat rooms with my friends and we’d stay up talking about nothing really at all and messing with our progs or singing songs. Those were the days before Facebook and Twitter. Before MySpace when you would actually hold a legit conversation with someone on the internet and not just post something on their “wall” or “tweet” them something and they see it when they see it. Not that I have anything against Twitter but I just feel like even though nowadays we have all of these ways to “connect” with people, we’re not really connecting with anyone. If that makes sense.

I don’t feel like I’m having a conversation with someone when we post back and forth on their wall. I don’t feel that sense of company that I had back when instant messaging was the thing.

This wasn’t what this entry was suppose to be about lol. It was suppose to be about a completely different topic but it’s cool, maybe I’ll save that for next week cause this topic was pretty important for me to get out too.