Hello, Reflecting

Easter 2016

I literally don’t know why I’m getting anxiety just thinking about writing this blog post. I feel like my blood has run cold and all my nerves are on alert.

I guess just thinking of this day still makes me cringe.

Traditions are very important to me. And I created traditions for myself to enjoy the things I like in life, to have things to look forward to. Because when your life is lonely and your mind can be your greatest enemy the best way to combat that is to have something to look forward to. To have bits of this life that excite you.

Two years ago I lived in Lake Mary, Florida. I moved away from Orlando and it was the biggest and dumbest move I ever made. I was told by the guy I was dating at the time that I wouldn’t be that far from Orlando or Disney and we would be able to go any time.

That was a lie.

I had to fight with him for a week to get to Disney and even when we finally DID go, he would be miserable the whole time and want to leave as soon as we got there. We were an hour away, maybe less. But hell he’d get upset if I said I wanted to go to Krispy Kreme which was ten minutes away. He was the type to expect you to go/do everything HE wanted to do without question yet when I wanted to do the things I’ve ALWAYS done he’d throw a fit and trap me in the house. This was a big thing of his btw, trapping me. I didn’t really notice it until I moved to Lake Mary.

Two year ago today was Easter.

I normally spent Easter at Disney and I had brought up this months before to which he said was fine, we could spend Easter there since he had no real plans. But the day before was saying all of a sudden we couldn’t go and I HAD to go with him to his grandparents house. His grandparents house were we spent EVERY OTHER FUCKIN DAY doing NOTHING but staring at the wall, literally. Not to mention my cousin who I hadn’t seen in year since I moved away from California was going to be in Tampa and he had ZERO interest in seeing her or meeting her — in fact he had zero interest in meeting ANY of my family members including my parents.

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The morning of, he did what he always did.

He firmly stated we WEREN’T going to Disney. Demanded I get dressed and get ready to go with him to his grandparent’s house.

I refused.

I was tired of him gas lighting me. I was tired of him promising to do something then last minute going back on his word then picking a fight with me to shut me up when I’d call him out on it. I was tired of his shit.

So I said no. I wasn’t going. I wasn’t leaving the house if we weren’t going to Disney. That I’m sick of him lying to me.

He walked over to the computer desk where I was sitting.

He picked me up by my throat.

Then he SLAMMED me on the couch wrapping his hands around my throat and screaming at me asking if “I was done acting like a child.” I tried kicking him in his gut, in his face, anywhere to get him off of me. I was screaming for him to get off of me. To let me go. He kept screaming “No. Not until you stop acting like a child.” That was his reason for everything when shit like this happened was the one acting like a child.

He finally let go.

Then he did what he always did afterwards, he sat CALMLY like a fuckin psycho telling me that if I kept acting like this we wouldn’t last for much longer. To which I replied, “put your hands on me again and I promise we won’t.” he laughed. He fuckin laughed. Then patted my shoulder and told me to have a nice day before leaving the house.

I wanted to burn the apartment to the ground.

I stayed in my room with the door locked hiding in my closet and cried for hours. I stayed quiet. I listened for when he’d come back. I made sure I was in bed and ‘asleep’ by the time he came back. I hated being scared. I hated myself. I hated Easter. He ruined my favorite holiday without so much as a fuckin care. I was heartbroken.

Then he had the nerve to come home and hug me like he didn’t just put his hands on me. Claiming he didn’t slam me that hard and to quit acting like a baby. As if slamming your girlfriend anywhere for any reason was fuckin normal. Then went on to claim that I needed his money when he blew all his money on comic book and Hot Wheels.

He didn’t pay rent. He didn’t pay bills. He didn’t pay electric or internet. He didn’t even pay for his own gas or food. He literally didn’t pay for shit. I laughed when he said I needed his money. I never needed his money or him. But in his delusional mind he really thought he was doing some shit for the ‘household’ when he didn’t do shit. He didn’t even pay for the Netflix or Hulu he was fuckin using. And when I would remind him of rent he would again fight with me and the cycle started all over again.

This day however was the first time he picked me up and slammed me. Through out our relationship he would do it again. And again.

And no matter how hard I tired to kick him out. Or break up with him he just wouldn’t get the fuckin hint. He would ignore me. If I could had afforded to change the locks on the apartment and leave all his shit outside I would had. But I had nowhere to go, nowhere to hide and no one to turn to. I was stranded in a city an hour away from anyone I knew. And it was definitely scary.

I refused to let this day take away my love for Easter. But every time it comes up, it just hurts to think someone out there thought this was okay.

~*~

I’m thankful I’m out of that relationship. I’m thankful I’m away from all that toxic energy and I’m somewhere far away from there and safe. And around someone who goes above and beyond these days to make sure every holiday is one I’ll love.

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Hello, Reflecting

Feb 28th, 2008

I don’t know if I can write this post without crying.

Is that silly? It’s been ten years. TEN YEARS. And I still get really sad and weepy.

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Man, why did I edit photos to be so tiny back in the day.

Continue reading “Feb 28th, 2008”

Hello

Weekly Recap; Sept 17th – Sept 23rd

I missed last weeks recap and my phone decided to force update and I somehow messed up the pictures on my phone and when I tried to fix it iCloud somehow managed to delete December, all of August, all of September and bits and pieces of other months. So yeah, all my photos are just gone. They’re backed up on my laptop and my Dropbox but as far as looking up the order on my phone, yeah that’s not happening. Which annoys me.

I wish there was a way to restore JUST the photos you took on THAT PHONE. Cause when it tried to “revert” back, I somehow went from 1 GiG of space to 18 GiGs (which has NEVER happened, I’m awful at having space on my phone) and it still has some photos from 2013 restored. Like wtf iCloud?!

Continue reading “Weekly Recap; Sept 17th – Sept 23rd”

Reflecting

For 12 years, I waited…

I took a Disney solo trip yesterday, the first time in two years! It’s crazy to notice how much my life has changed in the last two years, in the last 3 years, in the last 4 years. And how quickly and vastly it changed too.

I was walking through Tomorrowland in Magic Kingdom to get to Main Street so I could find a good spot for the Festival of Fantasy parade.

And as I was walking through Tomorrowland and passing the race cars, then the bathrooms, then the ice cream shop, making my way around People Mover (which I wanted to get on but I didn’t want to risk missing the parade), passing Buzz then Monster’s Laugh Floor I got hit with random memories.

In 2011 when myself and my then husband first did our Disney College Program he was put in Tomorrowland which at the time I thought was funny because right before our program I finally got around to watching Toy Story and fell in love with Buzz Lightyear. How ironic he was working that attraction. During his training he was with two girls — Allison and Zafi. Zafi seemed to have a crush on him from day one whereas him and Allison “naturally” just didn’t like each other. After their training was over the next thing I knew they were best friends and weeks after that going on best friend dates, whatever the fuck that even is.

Call me crazy but how could you possibly be best friends with a girl you hated just less than a month ago that you barely know? Maybe it’s just me but if I’m married to someone, I better be your only female best friend (besides if you’ve had one since you were a kid, that’s different. But no new bitches)! Every group of interns had a dance at the end of their program, I’ve always been insecure (or I was, I’m not anymore) about wearing dresses but a friend of mine went dress shopping with me for this dance. Everyone told me how cute I looked… everyone but my husband who didn’t say anything. Yet the next night after the dance I found text messages of him messaging Allison about how beautiful she looked or how pretty she was through out the week or how her hugs made him so happy he didn’t want to let go.

Clearly after finding shit like that you’d be curious to know what the FUCK is going on. Though he assured me nothing was going on as they kept going on “best friend dates”. They often took midnight trips to Wal-Mart, alone. There were rumors going on about them and one of his friends — Amy had dropped some info on my lap at one point. He found out I had been talking to Amy and got mad at me. That began the whole “I don’t want you coming to see me at work” and “I don’t want you talking to any of my friends”. So I was a bit banned from Tomorrowland, any time I would stop by when I was in Magic Kingdom just to say hi he would get angry. I often left heartbroken and sad; but one thing that always stopped me in my tracks was Wishes, the fireworks show. I would be on my way out as quickly as I could but Wishes always stopped me. I’d stand on Main Street and watch it until it was over.

Even years later and many girls of the same situation later; when I moved behind Magic Kingdom, the nights he’d leave me alone to hang out with yet another girl I wasn’t allowed to meet ever, I’d sit in front of my apartment on the curb and watch Wishes (without the music, but it was still just as magical).


For 12 years I waited for him to be a husband, considering he’s the one who wanted to get married in the first place. Not me.

For 12 years I waited for him to defend me against his family who would talk crap that didn’t make sense about me, but he never did.

For 12 years I waited for him to defend me against one of his hoes who had something bad to say about me, but he never did.

For 12 years I waited for that fairytale element of marriage where you’re in bed together at the end of the day talking about your day, it never happened.

For 12 years I waited for him to say, “hey, I know you’re stressed from school and work let me take you out to dinner”, but he never did.

For 12 years I waited for him to… I don’t even know. But waiting for 12 years for things that were never going to happen was 12 years too long.

Everything that went wrong was naturally my fault. Everyone who had something bad to say about me I deserved it.

Things only got worse from Allison, maybe I’ll write about the others another day. But for now, I just needed to get this off of me.

I’m mad about the things that happened, the things that went on, the things that kept going on, the fact he couldn’t man up and apologize, at the way I was treated and how situations were handled. I knew I deserved MORE and BETTER than that and yet I stayed. I stayed because I was scared. Scared I would never find a bond like the one I had with him. So I stayed, and kept getting pushed to the side for other people.

And now, years later, I wonder why. Why did I think I would never find a bond like the one I had with him? Why did I think that was as good as I was gonna get? That’s such an insane thought. There are 7 billion people in this world, who is he in the sea all of them?

And now, years later I’ve found someone who I have an even stronger bond with, a bond I didn’t think was even real. And for almost a year he’s helped me through every step of every single healing process that’s come up.

Reflecting

How do you do it, you got me losing every breath…

SPiNNiNG: Latch by Disclosure

On days or nights I get really bad anxiety or I just don’t feel like talking I tend to blast the hell out of this song — it reminds me a lot of when I first met Penny and how obsessed we were with each other. Of course, five months later it’s hardly like that anymore. That’s just the typical timeline of a relationship.

Last night was weird; the day was fine. Nothing triggered me, nothing really went on during the day. Everything was fine. I had a bit of a reality slap during my late lunch but it wasn’t anything epic or serious really. Just the realization that I don’t have a s/o’s company this holiday season is a thing that’s happening. And it made me realize I haven’t ever been alone alone since I was 17. Granted I was married for 11 years but still, the realization that you’ll be completely alone during the holidays after that long of not is something that can be hard to swallow sometimes. It definitely puts a little bit of a panic on my mind but I’ll be fine, I’m sure. It’ll just be… different. And a lot more empty. But people go through this all the time, right? It’s not fatal.

I got sent home from work early and did a little bit of shopping so I mean, that was pretty exciting and happy.

So I went home and I went to unpack the Christmas stuff and put away the Halloween stuff. I’m not happy with it just yet but I’m still trying to figure out what to do with the place too. I still need to tidy and all of that — I’m hoping to get most of that done within the next week. Mostly because I’m tired of the mess around the place. And the boxes. But I found my small white tree that typically goes in my room. My theme this year are reds/browns/steampunk even though my room has white lights and garland. It’s whatever. One of these years I’ll go full on theme-y.

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It wasn’t until later that night that I got anxious and depressed and I couldn’t really figure out why. The last thing I remember was looking through the Christmas stuff that Nick had packed away and remembering what last Christmas was like — before he started being mean and how fun it was going all out with someone who was just as excited as you were to decorate the place. Our apartment was a Christmas wonderland last year. I loved it. I loved it so much. I was actually really sad when we had to take everything down.

But that isn’t really something to be sad about. And it was way random. I was always about making my own traditions and I have a good handful of them. Why should this year be any different? It shouldn’t.

But yet last night was still really rough and annoying anxiety-wise.

I just started feeling worthless and hopeless and not worth anyone’s time. I was basically throwing myself a really intense pity party and it’s been a good while since I’ve done any of that crap so I wasn’t too happy with myself because I’m suppose to be stronger than that. I’m suppose to get those thoughts out of my mind before they take over. But I couldn’t and I didn’t.

I’m a little better now though and I suppose that’s all that really matters.

Hello

You are now on the other side of sanity…

I came across this blog under my “On This Day” app for my old FB page this morning. I remember those days and it’s so strange to think that they were five years ago. And that my life is nothing like that now.

This year the holidays/December isn’t as festive as I had wanted/hoped they would be. I guess it’s still better than last year when I had pretty much nothing though, right? Still I had hoped to go to Disney yesterday which didn’t happen and it looks highly unlikely that I’ll be going at all in December. I’ve only been to Magic Kingdom ONCE since I moved to this shit ass boring city and I haven’t been to any of the other parks since before I moved. And I moved here in July. So…

I honestly sometimes feel like I went from a fucked up marriage to a struggling relationship and that’s not what I wanted. I’m so burned out by other peoples problems. I’m suppose to be focusing on me. I’m suppose to be doing things that make ME happy. I’m suppose to be selfish for once. To live my life the way I want to. And I’m back to feeling like I can’t do that — still.

Oh well, I guess there’s always next year.

I guess.

Hello, Reflecting

Hey wassup, hello!

… yeah, that really just happened.

I blame Nick for being so obsessed with Fetty Wapp. Not that he’s a bad dude (Nick OR Fetty) or that his music sucks (cause it really doesn’t) but… well okay the whole blame can’t go to Nick. Some of it goes to a meme I keep seeing around Instagram. It’s pretty great. I’d include it in the post but you can’t right click and save Instagram images. But it basically says something along the lines of…

Be your own trap queen, cook your own pies, hey wassup hello to your damn self.

It makes me giggle every time I see it.

Anyway

I know I’ve been gone a long long long time. I just… haven’t felt up to writing lately. And that’s okay. I’m not going to beat myself up for it like I was at some point.

This year has been challenging and weird and tiring and just down right… I’m so ready for it to just be over. Not that anything is really going to restart once the new year comes along but I can pretend and sometimes, that’s all you need to stay sane.

I’ve been a bitter mess lately. For a number of reasons (the third year in a row I don’t get to see my family for the holidays, the first holiday season being a divorcee, living in a city I know nothing about, my ex husband is a complete dipshit that I wish would find his way to the bottom of a lake, did I mention not being able to see my family… for a third YEAR in a ROW?) and one night I burst into tears in the middle of telling Nick something I found on Instagram and slipped into a really weird panic attack.

Nick, being the overly amazing supportive boyfriend he is dropped his game controller, rushed over to me, took me in his arms even though I had just showered and was in my pj’s and my anxiety woulda killed me at that point, wiped away my tears forcing me to look at him and he was like, “hey, you’re with ME now. we’ll go, and you’ll be totally fine, and we’ll make our own memories. okay?”

I can’t put into words how amazing it is when the person you’re with knows how much something means to you. How much it hurts you at the same time and how badly they want you to have amazing memories instead. He tries SO hard.

Since then I see all these other people in worries within their own relationships and I wonder why they stick around to be treated like that. Don’t they know that someone amazing is out there waiting for someone exactly like them? And so many of these things I look and think with complete confidence Nick would NEVER do that to me. And I realize how lucky I am. When I look back at the beginning of our relationship, it blows me away just how lucky I got.

It was Nick who drove me to the courthouse to get the right paper work to file for divorce in April even though my ex husband grabbed the papers that previous of November but grabbed the completely wrong papers not to mention my ex husband had refused to sign and file his half. It was Nick who took me apartment hunting for weeks to find a new place of my own. I signed my new lease in May and I wasn’t due out until August.

Through all that he never once threw any of it in my face. All he wanted was for me to be happy, to be safe and to start over into the life I was dreaming about. All he ever wanted to do was help. He will never know just how MUCH help he’s provided since I met him until this day. He was always there and he’s never hid the fact that he wants to see me nothing but happy.

Out of a painful and shitty situation came a beautiful new beginning.

I know I don’t give Nick enough credit. But I plan to start. Because he deserves to know how amazing he is and how thankful both me and Sophie are to have him in our life.