Hello

Hello April!

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I love Tulips.

I’d love if I could afford them right now too, but since I can’t. Picture taking will have to do.

It’s five days into the new month. Five D A Y S and bills are already fucking me. Ya’ll I’m so tired of paying bills. Like it’s not even funny how tired I am! I guess that falls back to me and past me and all the dumb shit past me was doing but then again I’m extra mad at past me for not telling those other dudes who were using me to get they own shit!

It’s my birth month and I’m never excited about my birthday. I mean I was pretty excited last year since Bubba was spending the week with me at Disney World but generally speaking, I’m never really excited.

I can’t do my usual traditions cause I’m not in Florida anymore. Also Bubba started a new job (which I’m really happy about) but he’s working on my birthday. I’m trying to be somewhat not a poopy pants about it but let’s be real, after I turned 25 without a BA in sight I was just like LORT ANOTHER YEAR OLDER. ANOTHER YEAR FAILED.

And that’s definitely NOT the way you should be viewing life.

Granted there’s nothing exciting about turning 33, still trying to rebuild your shit and yourself and thinking godammit I should get off FB with all these people and their careers and vacations. Which is why I’m never really on FB anymore. I post what I need to post, stalk who I need to stalk and get off!

This blog post wasn’t suppose to be about me, it was suppose to be about my goals for April.

⇢ Get your shit together (at least a little bit)
⇢ Read 3 books (and not on the last day of the month)
⇢ Blog more // I know shit can be hard but girl it’s your release SO QUIT IT
⇢ EXPLORE more, spend LESS
⇢ Apartment hunting
⇢ Tidy room & closet / purge shit you really don’t need
⇢ Sort digital stuff / back up laptop (since it’s been like years since you did)
⇢ Find something that calms you
⇢ Practice better time management
⇢ Catch up on reviews that need to be written
⇢ Celebrate your birthday… the best you can

I know Bubba puts a lot of effort into everything. And I know it might be killing him that he can’t go all out on the day of my birthday this year and that the only thing I asked for was food adventures but I guess when you get older the experiences matter more than getting things. And normally I go on vacation for my birthday — which I was excited moving closer to the West Coast cause I really wanted to celebrate my birthday in Vegas & Disneyland like I use to when I lived in CA 7 years ago but that didn’t work out.

So this year I hope I find a new birthday tradition and I hope I find some enlightenment or motivation to get up and do something MORE. I mean I always want to do more but it’s actually doing it lately that’s the problem (which was never a problem before, so I’m confused as to why it is now).

So here’s to April; my personal restart button.

Also, I created a new blog for my anxiety and nerdy talk over at PLACES & PEONIES.

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Hello

Hello February!

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Is it Spring yet?

I mean I’m sneezing like crazy like it’s Spring. It’s not 11* every night anymore (thank goodness) and all the pinks and reds of Valentine’s Day is definitely coming together.

I’m pretty excited for this time of year! I love Spring and despite my past depressing Valentine’s Day’s and Easter’s they’re still some of my favorite holidays. It’s hard to be upset when the weather can be damn near perfect and there’s so many happy and pretty colors everywhere!

I don’t have that many goals to complete this month as I already feel overwhelmed as it is with all the goals I’m trying to complete on a week to week basis; I think I’m going to cut some down and try to pace myself instead of trying to “make up for lost time” because then I just get stressed and I push things off even further which in turn ends up just depressing me.

So here are some things I do hope to accomplish this month;

⇢ Read 3 books (to stay on track with my Goodreads goal)
⇢ Film/write reviews for the 2 books I finished in December
⇢ Post some sort of blog entry from now until Valentine’s Day
⇢ Prep posts/videos for Easter and Spring
⇢ Attempt to cook ONE new thing
⇢ Catch up on animes
⇢ Start watching a new TV show
⇢ Organize clothes and bins
⇢ Organize closet
⇢ Organize bookshelf

February isn’t a very long month either so, whomp! Hopefully my shorter list will inspire me to attempt to get more things done this month, we’ll see!

What are some things you’re looking forward to this month?

Hello

November 2017 Goals

It’s really no secret that I SUCK AT GOALS this year.

BUT that won’t stop me from making them! Cause at SOME POINT on this journey I’ll get my driven, busy, GET EVERYTHING DONE — TODAY attitude back. And until then, the most I can do is give myself something to encourage myself to get up and make a difference.

Healing is hard y’all.

Clean out fridge
  Sort kitchen
 Put up Fall stuff
 Organize closet
 Organize bedroom (more)
 Properly re-set up zen corner
 Mop living room
 Exchange unwanted B&BW Fall scents/products
 Do returns/exchanges for Kohls, Macys, etc…
 Work on buying Christmas gifts
 BAKE SOMETHING
 Finish October TBR (FINISH WINTER FOR THE LOVE OF GOD)
 Prep Christmas/Dec posts/videos
 Work on NaNoWriMo
 Try 3 new places

I’m not going to overachieve and try to do things I know probably won’t happen but instead do things that SHOULD be happening REGARDLESS that I know my OCD will find reasons to NOT do.

I can’t believe how fast Sept and Oct flew by and that I technically have to put up my Halloween/Fall stuff now!

I wish I could blog more about my feelings or my day. I don’t know what stops me all the time… it use to be my jam! And it’s not like this blog has any particular purpose besides me recording my life. I noticed I stopped blogging on hazearella because I guess I’ve outgrown the blogger layout. I wish it was on WordPress but I don’t want to go through the headache of switching everything over — especially the domain. I’m thinking of starting over with a new name, I’m just not sure what! The pressures of Instagram can be very influencing though, I’ll admit that. And the fear of starting over completely is scary AND THIS IS WHY I DONT HAVE A SUCCESSFUL BLOG OR CHANNEL CAUSE I KEEP STARTING OVER! Even though I don’t have THAT many followers on that blog itself. SIGH. I don’t know.

Maybe I’ll just move everything to WordPress, keep the name and suck it up. And if I do end up starting over completely it probably won’t be until January.

But here’s to hopefully a month of catching up, finishing up and getting ready for Christmas and a brand new year.

Hello

Hello October!

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The start of Fall and the start of a string of holiday seasons — the best and most stressful time of the year \o/

My goals list for September failed, as always.

My anxiety has been nagging at me for weeks; ever since I got my stuff finally delivered to me from the move in July. The move, of which I had filed a claim form and they have not responded to in nearly 30 days. What good are moving companies? All they do is screw people over during a very stressful time. And they expect to be treated with respect for over charging and for pulling fuck shit? Lame. Though I’m not sure exactly what this experience has to do with triggering my anxiety for months besides that they lost a bunch of my shit.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother doing these goal lists if I barely ever complete any of them.

~*~

⇢ Read at least 4 books for the October challenge
⇢ Decide/prep which NaNoWriMo project to work on
⇢ Post a weekly vlog for Vlogtober
⇢ Post one additional video a week in the spirit of Fall
⇢ Incorporate Blogtober on both hazearella and stuckinthislife
⇢ Bookstagram fav past October reads
⇢ Make bath bombs
⇢ Tidy makeup area in room
⇢ Tidy closet
⇢ Start purging old/unwanted makeup and clothes
⇢ Try 1 new Ramen place
⇢ Try 1 new Boba flavor
⇢ Tidy TV stand in prep for Christmas
⇢ Tidy living room

I want to post more YouTube videos, I want my room to reflect the perfect vlogger look, I want to do all the things I use to be so passionate about like photography, social media, graphic design and alla that other stuff.

Lately I’ve noticed I’ve been more negative and frustrated and angry and all that does is invite more of those negative vibes into my mind and my life.

I want my room and my apartment to be less cluttered and more zen and I want all of this stuff sorted and put away and a home found for them before November! I want my apartment and room to be ready for Christmas and I want to enjoy as much of it as I can. Because I finally can.

I want to be up to date on my Yelp and Amazon reviews and I want to post more on my food blog.

I’m also planning on changing all my instagram feeds to reflect more of me and my life. I love taking product shots and stuff but I also always wished my photos had more of me in them and not just in terms of selfies but me in the places or me trying the food, you know?

I hate being discouraged and I hate letting myself down, but it seems like lately that’s all I’ve been doing and that needs to change. And if I don’t change it then that change will never happen.

So it’s up to me.

Hello

Hello September \o/

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This entry is a few days later than I had planned for it to be up, and even now I haven’t really spent much time thinking about what I’m actually trying to say lol so we’re gonna wing it!

My anxiety has been on and off kicking my ass lately, some days it’s not as bad as others and other days I just don’t want to do anything but curl into a ball. I want to attempt to challenge myself this month. I read that the only way to ease anxiety such as OCD is to practice something I absolutely hate and scares the crap outta me — exposure therapy. Though not at very high extreme’s.

At the moment my apartment is damn near done with everything being unpacked, I just have to wash a few more blankets and find a home for certain things, then my whole living room needs to me mopped so I can stop wearing shoes inside my apartment and walk around in slippers like I’ve always wanted to. I personally hate wearing my shoes in my apartment but I didn’t figure that there was a reason to go through a shit ton of cleaning if moving in, building stuff and all that wasn’t even done yet. But now that all of that is, I don’t have an excuse as to why I haven’t mopped besides that I have 3 boxes left to be sorted though.

So one of my goals this month is to finish unpacking those 3 boxes and mop my floor.

October is very very close from now and I normally make an October/Halloween reading challenge list. I somewhat failed that last year so I’m hoping to do better this year. Along with that I want to be better at bookstagramming and being more active on my bookish social media accounts because I do really miss that world.

I have a few creative goals I’m hoping to start this Fall as well; all in all I have high hopes that my restart will begin. Now.

  • Tidy and mop the apartment
  • Read 4 books in preparation for October
  • Pactice bookstagramming and flat lays
  • Research social media tips
  • Practice mindfulness
  • Organize emails
  • Play with makeup more
  • Get 2 of Axelyn’s main classes to 50
  • Make 1 candle
  • Learn to duel (as Bubba’s request)

There are other things like find a job in my field which is going to take some time. But I would like to get a jump start on everything I moved here to do and accomplish.

My anxiety has a tendency to make me not want to move or make me afraid of certain things and I’m tired of being afraid. I try to push myself out of those moments as much as I can but sometimes I just feel like I can’t. When in reality I need to push harder. I need to stop thinking things are so hard cause yeah maybe they are. Maybe they’re beyond my current strength. But how can I get stronger or be better if I don’t try?

I need to learn how to have more faith in myself. To trust myself more. I use to think I was this amazing person who could accomplish everything and then anxiety came around and I lost that mindset. I need to find it, work on it and bring it back. Because if you’re not hyped about your own projects and idea’s how can you expect anyone else to be?

Here’s to a productive month full of adventures, new favorites and starting new goals.

Hello

September Goals

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I know people say this about every month but seriously… can you believe it’s already September?! Because I seriously can not! That means I’ve been with Nick for five months. Sophie has had her forever home for six months and in two months I’ll be graduating from college! This fall is big on celebration!

Not to mention I’m launching two businesses this month as well and starting a new job.

Yeah, it’s going to be a busy fall and winter!

But isn’t it crazy how life falls together after it falls apart? This time last year I was a complete mess. My marriage was falling apart. I was calling the suicide hotline more times than I should be. I was heavily on anti depressants. My favorite toy was a knife I kept hidden under my clothes in my nightstand. I had a husband who couldn’t bother being there for me. He was too busy entertaining some 21 year old girl until 3am multiple nights a week for a year. I honestly never thought that this time last year that my life could be as good as it is today. I honestly thought I wouldn’t even live to see today.

I recently cut off all contact with my ex husband. Because the truth is he’s not my best friend. He’s not someone I can trust. How can you be “best friends” with someone who constantly LIES to you? How can you trust someone like that? And for him to go off and start dating the girl who ruined our marriage? He never respected me and this just proves it so why should I keep him in my life? Who cares if he’s the closest thing I have to family here? Nick’s family has had no problem including me into their home and their lives, making sure I’m okay when my PMS is too heavy. Nick acts more like a husband than my own ex husband ever did in the whole 12 years we were together. I always think about the day I met Nick in person and how natural I felt around him. I was my usual hyper chatty GUESS WTF JUST HAPPENED TO ME self. I wasn’t shy, I wasn’t self conscious. Nothing. I felt like I was seeing a friend again after a long time of not seeing them.

Anyway, off topic. Whew, sorry!

S e p t e m b e r   G o a l s !

→ Launch both businesses
→ Update resume
→ Read 8 books
→ Acquire Pikmin for Wii U
→ Start blogging regularly
→ Update blog themes/layouts
→ Pass this class with an A+
→ Start a savings account
→ Start meditating and light yoga every morning
→ DRINK MORE WATER
→ Eat better
→ Plan for October November and December
→ Tidy apartment and full on decorate for Halloween
→ Stick to Yankee Candle products
→ Give Sophie a soapy bath
→ Organize bathroom
→ Start journaling
→ Keep up with gratitude jar
→ 
Do a better job of keeping in touch with friends
→ Close several credit cards (I know but it has to be done)
→ Don’t sweat the small stuff
→ Read more comics
→ Finish watching Sword Art Online

 

 

I’m sure there are more important things I want to make sure I do this month but this is all off the top of my head. I’ve been majorly hooked on Sword Art Online the anime lately. Nick has a CrunchyRoll account and pretty much any anime that has to do with people being stuck in an RPG is my jam lol. But I’m absolutely enjoying SAO and I just found out that they’re releasing a SAO game for the PS4!!! OMG I’m so excited! I know I’ve been fighting with Nick over the fact I don’t need a PS4 right now  but now that SAO is coming out… well I need one. Like. Yesterday. Even though the game doesn’t come out until some time next month. But Nick did pre-order it for me (thanks babe, you da best)! Eeeeeeeeee!! He also found this RPG app for the iPhone I was watching him play while we were waiting at the bank earlier today and it was so cute I had to download it. I’m such a sucker for RPG’s with cute mobs!

I’ve been doing a lot more gaming and obsessing over video games like I use to once upon a time that Nick keeps saying “WHY DONT YOU JUST APPLY HERE” every time I go to GameStop to ask if something is up for pre-order and how much of a drag the fact that it’s not up for pre-order is going to be. I guess it turns him on to know his girlfriend nerd speaks lol! Other than that we’ve been collecting collectibles and board games. We just got Disney Infinity which I’ve been fighting him NOT to get but 3.0 is everything you had hoped 1.0 would had been. We got the Star Wars starter pack (naturally) so that’s pretty exciting. Haven’t run into any Sith’s yet but I’M READY! Haha.

Okay enough babbling, I have stuff to get done! 🙂

Hello

Bonjour Février!

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It’s 75° here in Orlando but it feels much colder than that in my apartment so the heater is still running. It’s suppose to rain and thunder today, I’m pretty excited about that! We’ve had rain all week but no thunder and lightning. Which, hello! Is the best part, right?!

I fell out of focus completely the end of last month. Mostly because M was sick with the flu and I spent most of the day trying to get chores and homework done before he would get home so I could focus all my attention and energy on taking care of him. But truth is, I shouldn’t had fallen out of focus. I can’t.

So here are some goals I’m hoping to accomplish this month…

  • Go back to sleeping & waking up early

  • Discover 2 new products

  • Get homework done in the beginning of week

  • Come up with Valentines Day themed posts

  • Tidy living room

  • Build a light box

  • Build dresser

  • Read!!

  • Fix up blog about me pages

  • Film Defy review

  • Make homemade gum drops

  • Learn how to knit

 

Trying to keep it simple. I mean these are all attainable, right? Nothing way too out there!

So here’s to hoping that February is a productive one!

What are some of your goals for this month?