Reflecting

Baby baby, I feel crazy…

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Abuse.

Relationships.

You never think it could happen to you. It could never be you. YOU would never be that stupid; especially if you managed to escape on abusive relationship.

But that’s the thing — you don’t realize you’re in an abusive relationship until that much later and until you feel so stuck you don’t know what to do or where to go.

The healing process is such a sticky stretch of time.

I can say this and that. I can act this way and that way. But sometimes in the middle of the day I’ll be afraid. Afraid to say something, afraid to do something, afraid to suggest something in my current relationship because of how past relationships played out. It’s not that I’m comparing my current relationship to my past ones, it’s just a fear. A fear that was relevant during a long period of time in my life and though I know I’m with someone who cares and who wouldn’t hurt me and who hasn’t hurt me for almost a year now, sometimes I can’t help but still be scared. To still hold back certain things.

Do you remember who you were before people told you who to be?

Sometimes I think I figured my own mind out, but then something happens or something is brought up to remind me that NOPE. Hella nope. I didn’t figure out shit.

While looking for the photo I attached above, which is yes, me; I ran into a bunch of other old photos. Ones I forgot about and ones that made me both mad and sad. I’ve never felt compelled to really delete photos or posts or a time frame of my life no matter how bad it was because pain helps you grow. However for this frame of time, I would happily delete everything.

As the days turn into weeks and months, and the events of that span of time start to fade away the reality is they’re not really fading but being phased out by new memories. I don’t like talking about triggers because I feel like it’s bad juju (I grew up in a household where you should never reveal your weaknesses) and because it’s not anyone’s business but mine really. I never have much to say considering when I am triggered, I withdraw from communication and hide away to myself.

Which in my current relationship my boyfriend is trying to get me to stop doing that and instead talk about it, if there’s anything he can help me with he wants to be there to help. Or even to just listen to what’s going on in my mind. And it’s not to use it against me later but to help me understand that he thinks I’m completely amazing despite my past and what people have conditioned me to believe. And that too is a scary thing to overcome.

I don’t really remember where I was going or why I decided to write this entry especially considering how vague everything turned out to be… maybe I’m still not ready to fully talk about it the way I want to/need to in order to heal, but maybe some time soon.

At least this is one step towards that.

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Hello, Reflecting

Hello 2017!

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Seven days in and I’m already slacking!

Goooooooosh.

This year my #onelittleword is g r o w ].

And I have a lot of growing to do. As hard as that is to say. But the truth is, the last two years have been a huge huge mess. And I have a lot to think about and a lot of rediscovering to do within myself.

I’m usually really good at coming up with goals and resolutions for the upcoming year in November. That didn’t happen this time around and I’m struggling with not being disappointed with myself.

2016 was a really hard year. I wish I had recorded more of the hard part just so years from now I can look back and say I can’t believe I picked myself up from that. Depression and struggle use to be my driving force to write. It was my therapy my whole childhood. Why did that stop now? Because the subjects and topics were too controversial? Because I was afraid of offending people? Because people are less understanding and less forgiving when they don’t know the situation? At the end of the day their opinions don’t sleep in my bed or dictate my life. I use to be this blunt, straight forward, idgaf kind of chick and I loved that about myself… then I got scared. And people shouldn’t change who you are, no matter WHO they are.

What do I hope to accomplish by the end of 2017?

Growth.

Mostly.

  • I hope to read 36 books
  • I hope to be able to create a recap video like this one
  • I hope to have a damn near regular blogging schedule
  • I hope to revamp my hazearella instagram feed
  • I hope to be more active on my hazearella twitter
  • I hope to build hermagicandmadness
  • I hope to discover 5 new resturants (yeah we’re back to this)
  • I hope to level my FFXIV Axelyn‘s WHM, BLM, CUL, Fishing, Mining and Weaver to 60
  • I hope to take more pictures
  • I hope to film more of my life
  • I hope to film more YouTube videos
  • I hope to incorporate more Hygge into my life
  • I hope to learn more French
  • I hope to incorporate meditation back into my life
  • I hope to discover more favorite’s
  • I hope to start making lists again
  • I hope to tidy my life
  • I hope to take one step closer to figuring it out

 

I don’t have any extreme goals like I normally do. And I’m sure I’ll add more goals as I think of them. I’m trying to be more realistic about my goals and I’m trying to learn to trust the process as much as I don’t enjoy it.

So here’s to making more memories at 2017.
Finding more joys.
Discovering more favorites.
And growing.

Hello

Hello 2016

2016.

Wow.

Me and you WordPress have been in this for 5 years.

Insane.

I usually have this insane burst of creativity to goal make until my finger falls off when New Years comes around. This year I’m kinda just… whatever happens, happens. I didn’t even partake in my usual traditions last night. Mostly because I was tired by 9pm and already ready to go to bed (is this what getting old feels like?!) but Nick wanted to stay up until midnight, which of course he did because he can’t sleep anyway.

So we played Mortal Kombat and watched the countdown go on. He got out the sparkling apple cider and the fancy glasses. When midnight struck we took pics then kissed haha. Then I went over to snuggle Sophie and give her kisses too.

She’s now sleeping in her cat bed next to me. It’s been awhile since she’s slept in her cat bed, and next to me. She’s been kicked out of the bedroom because she decided to take a kitty stand and pee AND poop on the bed. In the covers. To which I did not discover until after I had taken a shower and was curled up in bed. Also, I did not notice that she had pooped on my sleep shirt I was wearing either.

Great aim Sophie Bear, great aim.

I’m still trying to figure out what’s stressing her out and causing her to act out.

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I made one of these last year too. A much angrier version.

But instead of doing “resolutions” this year, I’m doing goals and of course #onelittleword again because I kinda like the idea.

This years word is Focus.

Nick likes to remind me everything that I’ve accomplished and endured in 2015. Saying that I did great and that I did more in one year than he could ever imagine. But yet it doesn’t feel enough. I didn’t cross anything off my list except for adopt a pet. Oh and I graduated. But I didn’t read more than 10 books (out of the 50-60 I usually aim for), I didn’t learn to make Macrons or Marshmallows or plushies.

My word for 2015 was Rediscover and I think I did a good job of keeping that word in mind through out the year.

So some of the key points of 2015?

  • Finally filing for divorce
  • Adopting Sophie
  • Successfully navigated through Tinder
  • Met a boy
  • Moved an hour away from home
  • Created a life in another city
  • Found a second family that accepts me for me
  • Graduated college
  • Grew my twitter and instagram following
  • Stopped depending on Zoloft
  • Made new friends
  • Got my hands on the Rose Gold iPhone (thanks babe!)
  • Survived my first year of divorce despite the fact I’m still dealing with debt my ex husband left behind and the fact he sold a car I could had totally used and had put in money for while we were still married so he could move to Australia to move in with his 22 year old girlfriend who he was cheating on me with all of 2014 when she was interning at Disney here and who he said was “just like his little sister”. Yeah she doesn’t look like that when she’s sitting on your lap wearing a red dress with her boobs hanging out. Gross. AND I had to find this out for myself because he’s a pile of shit.

 

Thank goodness my life would never suck so hard I would have to leave the country just to survive. Sometimes I make some really shitty choices. Like who to date/marry.

I have a list of goals I hope to achieve this year (in other news…) and though this isn’t the complete list, it’s some of the more important goals.

  • Start blogging more/start making YT videos again
  • Continue to build instagram/twitter audience
  • Start meditating again
  • Try 5 new eats
  • Read 50 books
  • Start a savings account
  • Move
  • Travel
  • Excel in school (I’m not done just yet!)
  • Learn to make Macarons
  • Learn to make Marshmallows
  • Learn to make plushies
  • Learn how to trade Forex
  • Relearn how to play the piano
  • Learn Spanish
  • Learn a bit of Japense
  • Touch up on Tagalog
  • Touch up on Cebuano
  • Touch up on French
  • Touch up on makeup skills
  • Stay more active
  • Stay on top of things

I need to work on purging some stuff and organizing my stuff much more better. This clutter is starting to really get on my nerves.

The fact that I’m no longer on Zoloft is amazing. I mean, I still get anxiety and I still get that kind of anxiety where it feels like someone is stabbing you in the chest and twisting slowly but my anxiety isn’t half as bad as it use to be. I’m very lucky. The withdrawal only took about 3 months to pass too.

So here’s to a new year waiting to be filled with new accomplishments and new adventures!

Hello

Pick yourself up, dust it off and start again…

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Happy New Year!

I haven’t done resolutions in awhile just because… I don’t know. I wanted to do #onelittleword last year instead and I did which I think I did fairly well sticking to.

The word was Happiness. And basically I would do whatever made me happy. Of course it’s not that simple… but I think in the end of it all, I did what I had to do to be happy which was my journey to a healthier mental state. Of course there are things that heavily also contributed to this but I like to think everything happens for a reason and perhaps this whole… crap that went on last year in my life was some sort of blessing in disguise. Of course realizing your husband and main for the last ten years is a pile of shit who has no interest at all in respecting you also sucks but hey, at least I know now and not another ten years from now when we have kids. Cause then I would really be mad.

So this year my #onelittleword is simple Rediscover. No I don’t have a solid idea to what I even mean by that but I have an idea I suppose. Enough of an idea to probably lead me to where I need to be. It’s a bit more fun this way too, discover as I rediscover. Yeah. Anyway, I haven’t really thought of any solid resolutions besides read 50 books this year instead of 30 and try to keep my eyes on the goal and stay positive.

I also need to start cleaning this place up and slowly start packing stuff up. This is gonna be a bitch. A bitch of an adventure!

Here’s to 2015 and all the adventures, experiences, changes and challenges that await me! And to finally getting out of Florida!