The Hardest Goodbye ; would had been 11 weeks tomorrow…

This blog as always been around as more of a place for me to archive my life. As someone who personally blogged since 1999, it’s somewhat of a habit. Although I don’t blog every single day like I use to, I try to blog when I can/remember to/have something to say/have something to remember.

Then there were 4, but now there are just 3…


Continue reading “The Hardest Goodbye ; would had been 11 weeks tomorrow…”


Sometime’s life gives us the hardest lessons…


Last Memorial Day weekend the morning sickness of my first pregnancy was kicking my ass and hard. But I had no idea at the time it was morning sickness or that I was pregnant. I wasn’t throwing up, I was just feeling… weird. Like not dizzy but not really well enough to sit up for a long period of time. I’m not really sure how to describe it.

It wasn’t until a week of it progressing, and quickly that I decided to take a pregnancy test. I was pretty sure there wasn’t any way I could BE pregnant but I just felt weird.

Normally, when you get pregnant by someone you’ve been dating for over a year and live with you’d probably assume hope you wouldn’t get the reaction I did.

So I went to take the pregnancy test. I was the first to see it since I was the one who went to check on it, it was boldy positive. And just a huge rush of emotions drowned me. I never wanted kids but I suddenly felt so very protective over it and I actually started crying. No joke, I was crying. I wasn’t sad. That was the surprising part and I wanted to tell my mom so badly. I was actually excited. Scared as fuck, but excited.

He went in after me to check the test.

He didn’t say anything.

He walked out, grabbed his phone and the first thing he said was “we need to find an abortion clinic.”

I don’t need to describe the emotions that came after that statement left his mouth.

He didn’t ask me how I felt. He didn’t ask me how I felt about it. He didn’t even acknowledge my reaction. He blankly walked out of the bathroom and grabbed his phone. That night while I was laying in bed he spammed me with links via text message of abortion clinics he found in our area.

Continue reading “Sometime’s life gives us the hardest lessons…”


Weekly Recap; May 14th – 20th

May, you are moving WAY TOO FAST FOR MY LIKING.

Just saying.

My kitchen smells like ass right now, not that THAT’S anything ever new. Which I’m between so fuckin tired of it and fuck it.

I’m so excited to have my OWN OWN PLACE that I DON’T HAVE TO SHARE WITH ANYONE pretty soon. Like, SO EXCITED. Ya’ll have no idea HOW EXCITED I am about this!

Continue reading “Weekly Recap; May 14th – 20th”


I hate being sick…

Once upon a time I actually liked being sick. You know the good feeling of melting into your bed because all your limbs ache? I loved that feeling. That was the best part of being sick — your limbs aching. Because cuddling under the covers was just that much better. But that was in high school, when you didn’t have to worry about much other than school (and maybe a slight part time job).

Now that I’m older (and I have this constant obsession with beating time) I hate being sick. I hate feeling like I’m not able to function (this goes for the days with awful headaches too) and knowing that I won’t get anything significant done today.

I woke up at around 7am, like I usually do and made a to-do list while I was half asleep. I knew I didn’t feel good so I didn’t make it too extensive, just productive. It was mostly getting blogging and reading done. And I went back to sleep. Husband got up at around 11-ish I think and I told him I didn’t feel good so he tucked me in and I didn’t get up until 130pm because I wanted to. He insisted I still stay in bed. He never insists I stay in bed, esp when I’m sick. Usually.

I started reading A Christmas Carol and I tried to finish the other two books I started on and I remembered I have two other books I need to read before my lend at the elibrary is up. But sadly, I didn’t finish any books today. Which sucks. I’ve been in a bit of a reading rut the last few weeks and this simply just won’t do! Ugh. I didn’t get any of my blogging I wanted to get done, done. So that sucks too. I might just have to force myself to crank them all out after I eat dinner soon.

I did figure out what the eff that stinging sensation on my index finger was — my eczema cracked. I have to admit, it’s been a very long time since that’s happened. Sometimes I’ll scratch myself cuts in my sleep when it gets bad but my eczema cracking on its own hasn’t happened in awhile. So while this little cut is driving me effen nuts, I’m thankful for the gap between this crack and the last. Snow also managed to pull her foot claws out last night when I was trying to cuddle her and cut two little holes on the palm of my right hand. Surprisingly they don’t hurt but they look gross. Thanks sweet pea.

I hope I feel better tomorrow. I have shit to do.


Damn this damn ear!

I constantly feel like I’m at war with my right ear. Constantly. It’s always giving me trouble! I get intense ear pains when I’m landing on a plane and most of the time, it’s my right ear that throbs like it’s bleeding.

So about a month ago, I noticed some swelling. I thought it was just a pimple, sometimes that happens. But last weekend the inside of my ear canal was fully painfully swollen. Like, I couldn’t even stick the tip of my pinky finger inside my ear to scratch it (it was insanely itchy too) but as the weekend ended, the swelling went down.

I still went to the hospital earlier this week to make sure it was okay ($40 co-pay is absurd by the way for a freakin 10 minute hospital visit) and it turns out I have an ear infection. Thaaaaaaaaaaat’s cool. I’ve never had an ear infection before — at least that I can remember but OHMYGAWD this is awful. They gave me drops ($10 + scary instructions) and I haven’t used them yet because well, I’m scared. So today my ear started to swell again. I know, serves me right for not taking the drops right? Ugh. Except I think this time I actually do have a pimple inside my ear, I think I accidentally scratched and agitated it yesterday. But that + the still slight infection… it’s driving me nuts. Like the whole middle part of my ear canal feels numb. No lie.

Ugh, this sucks!!


I’ve built a wall && I want to keep it there

I was going through my Bloglovin reader and came across something After Nine To Five did, it’s called “Secret Week” where you share a secret. And it’s always so interesting to know about other peoples lives, it’s one of the things I love the most about blogging. Knowing people just like you struggle, how they cope with it.

When I was younger, in high school, blogging saved me. It was a place I could write about my day, about my life, somewhere where I wouldn’t be judged. But this was back in the early 2000’s. Not many people were online at the time and hardly anyone had a blog.

Growing up was hard for me, I was struggling with a lot of things that hardly anyone really knew about. I struggled with things that other people witnessed but excused, well except one of my exes who tried to help which turned out to be a fail. But a part of me will forever be thankful that he tried, that he cared that much when he didn’t really have to. Even if he is a completely changed person now. There were things I did that I’m not really proud of and every reckless thing I did was to do one thing — kill the pain. But in reality? It just made the pain worse. But you know, chasing temporary highs. It was better than no highs and just all pain (I deal with that in a different way now, but it’s not something I’m comfortable talking about right now).

Continue reading “I’ve built a wall && I want to keep it there”


A day of… PAiN

The other night I was attacked by a headache of DOOM that wouldn’t go away, even with sleepy meds. Luckily half way through yesterday it finally went away. But last night I was hit again with a stress headache. Again, sleepy-time meds didn’t help. I really hope I’m not building a tolerance to it… that would suck. It eventually went away after I ate a bit though, so thank goodness for finally being headache free!

So I went about my day, actually finished a book (that I’m pretty… disappointed in, for lack of better word) and posted a review for Vine (one down, four to go). Started laundry and my lower back started aching really bad. By the time I had put the stuff in the dryer and got back to the room… my left side to my lower back was in INTENSE pain. I can’t even describe it. It was like a reverse stomach cramp I guess. All I know was that I was in PAIN and I was whimpering and crying. Like seriously, that shit hurt. Once it started to cool down, I fell asleep for awhile. At least when I got up, I felt a little better (on a semi ehh note M was on his game the whole time).

At least I’m feeling better now, my back still has a slight dull ache. I need to slow down on the soda and drink more water or something. I think I’m gonna grab a yogurt after I post this entry. I just miss eating healthy. It’s so hard to eat healthy when you’re not really forced to. I mean, I still try, but it’s harder here than it was in Orlando.

My bro got a new vacuum and he was vacuuming around… my dog hates vacuums. He always has. So he was stuck walking around in circles in my mom’s room asking me for belly rubs. He’s so silly! I love my grumpy furball though. He’s so silly! I was trying to get a video of it, but he also hates cameras and he ran away by then lol. Damn, maybe next time…