past

For 12 years, I waited…

I took a Disney solo trip yesterday, the first time in two years! It’s crazy to notice how much my life has changed in the last two years, in the last 3 years, in the last 4 years. And how quickly and vastly it changed too.

I was walking through Tomorrowland in Magic Kingdom to get to Main Street so I could find a good spot for the Festival of Fantasy parade.

And as I was walking through Tomorrowland and passing the race cars, then the bathrooms, then the ice cream shop, making my way around People Mover (which I wanted to get on but I didn’t want to risk missing the parade), passing Buzz then Monster’s Laugh Floor I got hit with random memories.

In 2011 when myself and my then husband first did our Disney College Program he was put in Tomorrowland which at the time I thought was funny because right before our program I finally got around to watching Toy Story and fell in love with Buzz Lightyear. How ironic he was working that attraction. During his training he was with two girls — Allison and Zafi. Zafi seemed to have a crush on him from day one whereas him and Allison “naturally” just didn’t like each other. After their training was over the next thing I knew they were best friends and weeks after that going on best friend dates, whatever the fuck that even is.

Call me crazy but how could you possibly be best friends with a girl you hated just less than a month ago that you barely know? Maybe it’s just me but if I’m married to someone, I better be your only female best friend (besides if you’ve had one since you were a kid, that’s different. But no new bitches)! Every group of interns had a dance at the end of their program, I’ve always been insecure (or I was, I’m not anymore) about wearing dresses but a friend of mine went dress shopping with me for this dance. Everyone told me how cute I looked… everyone but my husband who didn’t say anything. Yet the next night after the dance I found text messages of him messaging Allison about how beautiful she looked or how pretty she was through out the week or how her hugs made him so happy he didn’t want to let go.

Clearly after finding shit like that you’d be curious to know what the FUCK is going on. Though he assured me nothing was going on as they kept going on “best friend dates”. They often took midnight trips to Wal-Mart, alone. There were rumors going on about them and one of his friends — Amy had dropped some info on my lap at one point. He found out I had been talking to Amy and got mad at me. That began the whole “I don’t want you coming to see me at work” and “I don’t want you talking to any of my friends”. So I was a bit banned from Tomorrowland, any time I would stop by when I was in Magic Kingdom just to say hi he would get angry. I often left heartbroken and sad; but one thing that always stopped me in my tracks was Wishes, the fireworks show. I would be on my way out as quickly as I could but Wishes always stopped me. I’d stand on Main Street and watch it until it was over.

Even years later and many girls of the same situation later; when I moved behind Magic Kingdom, the nights he’d leave me alone to hang out with yet another girl I wasn’t allowed to meet ever, I’d sit in front of my apartment on the curb and watch Wishes (without the music, but it was still just as magical).


For 12 years I waited for him to be a husband, considering he’s the one who wanted to get married in the first place. Not me.

For 12 years I waited for him to defend me against his family who would talk crap that didn’t make sense about me, but he never did.

For 12 years I waited for him to defend me against one of his hoes who had something bad to say about me, but he never did.

For 12 years I waited for that fairytale element of marriage where you’re in bed together at the end of the day talking about your day, it never happened.

For 12 years I waited for him to say, “hey, I know you’re stressed from school and work let me take you out to dinner”, but he never did.

For 12 years I waited for him to… I don’t even know. But waiting for 12 years for things that were never going to happen was 12 years too long.

Everything that went wrong was naturally my fault. Everyone who had something bad to say about me I deserved it.

Things only got worse from Allison, maybe I’ll write about the others another day. But for now, I just needed to get this off of me.

I’m mad about the things that happened, the things that went on, the things that kept going on, the fact he couldn’t man up and apologize, at the way I was treated and how situations were handled. I knew I deserved MORE and BETTER than that and yet I stayed. I stayed because I was scared. Scared I would never find a bond like the one I had with him. So I stayed, and kept getting pushed to the side for other people.

And now, years later, I wonder why. Why did I think I would never find a bond like the one I had with him? Why did I think that was as good as I was gonna get? That’s such an insane thought. There are 7 billion people in this world, who is he in the sea all of them?

And now, years later I’ve found someone who I have an even stronger bond with, a bond I didn’t think was even real. And for almost a year he’s helped me through every step of every single healing process that’s come up.

Baby baby, I feel crazy…

IMG_0665

Abuse.

Relationships.

You never think it could happen to you. It could never be you. YOU would never be that stupid; especially if you managed to escape on abusive relationship.

But that’s the thing — you don’t realize you’re in an abusive relationship until that much later and until you feel so stuck you don’t know what to do or where to go.

The healing process is such a sticky stretch of time.

I can say this and that. I can act this way and that way. But sometimes in the middle of the day I’ll be afraid. Afraid to say something, afraid to do something, afraid to suggest something in my current relationship because of how past relationships played out. It’s not that I’m comparing my current relationship to my past ones, it’s just a fear. A fear that was relevant during a long period of time in my life and though I know I’m with someone who cares and who wouldn’t hurt me and who hasn’t hurt me for almost a year now, sometimes I can’t help but still be scared. To still hold back certain things.

Do you remember who you were before people told you who to be?

Sometimes I think I figured my own mind out, but then something happens or something is brought up to remind me that NOPE. Hella nope. I didn’t figure out shit.

While looking for the photo I attached above, which is yes, me; I ran into a bunch of other old photos. Ones I forgot about and ones that made me both mad and sad. I’ve never felt compelled to really delete photos or posts or a time frame of my life no matter how bad it was because pain helps you grow. However for this frame of time, I would happily delete everything.

As the days turn into weeks and months, and the events of that span of time start to fade away the reality is they’re not really fading but being phased out by new memories. I don’t like talking about triggers because I feel like it’s bad juju (I grew up in a household where you should never reveal your weaknesses) and because it’s not anyone’s business but mine really. I never have much to say considering when I am triggered, I withdraw from communication and hide away to myself.

Which in my current relationship my boyfriend is trying to get me to stop doing that and instead talk about it, if there’s anything he can help me with he wants to be there to help. Or even to just listen to what’s going on in my mind. And it’s not to use it against me later but to help me understand that he thinks I’m completely amazing despite my past and what people have conditioned me to believe. And that too is a scary thing to overcome.

I don’t really remember where I was going or why I decided to write this entry especially considering how vague everything turned out to be… maybe I’m still not ready to fully talk about it the way I want to/need to in order to heal, but maybe some time soon.

At least this is one step towards that.

How do you do it, you got me losing every breath…

SPiNNiNG: Latch by Disclosure

On days or nights I get really bad anxiety or I just don’t feel like talking I tend to blast the hell out of this song — it reminds me a lot of when I first met Penny and how obsessed we were with each other. Of course, five months later it’s hardly like that anymore. That’s just the typical timeline of a relationship.

Last night was weird; the day was fine. Nothing triggered me, nothing really went on during the day. Everything was fine. I had a bit of a reality slap during my late lunch but it wasn’t anything epic or serious really. Just the realization that I don’t have a s/o’s company this holiday season is a thing that’s happening. And it made me realize I haven’t ever been alone alone since I was 17. Granted I was married for 11 years but still, the realization that you’ll be completely alone during the holidays after that long of not is something that can be hard to swallow sometimes. It definitely puts a little bit of a panic on my mind but I’ll be fine, I’m sure. It’ll just be… different. And a lot more empty. But people go through this all the time, right? It’s not fatal.

I got sent home from work early and did a little bit of shopping so I mean, that was pretty exciting and happy.

So I went home and I went to unpack the Christmas stuff and put away the Halloween stuff. I’m not happy with it just yet but I’m still trying to figure out what to do with the place too. I still need to tidy and all of that — I’m hoping to get most of that done within the next week. Mostly because I’m tired of the mess around the place. And the boxes. But I found my small white tree that typically goes in my room. My theme this year are reds/browns/steampunk even though my room has white lights and garland. It’s whatever. One of these years I’ll go full on theme-y.

img_3570

It wasn’t until later that night that I got anxious and depressed and I couldn’t really figure out why. The last thing I remember was looking through the Christmas stuff that Nick had packed away and remembering what last Christmas was like — before he started being mean and how fun it was going all out with someone who was just as excited as you were to decorate the place. Our apartment was a Christmas wonderland last year. I loved it. I loved it so much. I was actually really sad when we had to take everything down.

But that isn’t really something to be sad about. And it was way random. I was always about making my own traditions and I have a good handful of them. Why should this year be any different? It shouldn’t.

But yet last night was still really rough and annoying anxiety-wise.

I just started feeling worthless and hopeless and not worth anyone’s time. I was basically throwing myself a really intense pity party and it’s been a good while since I’ve done any of that crap so I wasn’t too happy with myself because I’m suppose to be stronger than that. I’m suppose to get those thoughts out of my mind before they take over. But I couldn’t and I didn’t.

I’m a little better now though and I suppose that’s all that really matters.

National Suicide Prevention Week

Why is it just a week? Why can’t it be a month?

With the increase of suicides you would think there would be a little bit more talk about suicide prevention or mental health awareness and less about why weed should be illegal. But that’s not how society or the human mind reacts. We follow the media, we follow what our peers say, we follow what we think is “cool” to fit in. To not be the outcast. We strike to be the same instead of being different. Like it’s a bad thing. We adapt other peoples ideas, thoughts and beliefs instead of attempting to find our own.

In the past I have spent a lot of time talking about mental health. Sharing as much of me and my journey as I can. And lately, I’ll admit, I’ve been slacking. My mind has turned into mush and I can’t even stitch together a presentable blog post without scrapping the whole thing and giving up, thus resulting in nothing. So today, screw perfection. Screw presentable, screw everything. I finally feel like writing again so that’s what I’ll do.

I’ve struggled with depression and suicide since I was 13. Anxiety since I was 19. Started therapy at 19. Had a mental break down at 29 and decided to go against my word to myself and take meds. Had a jackass boyfriend at 30 who hated I was on meds and made me quit them resulting in four months of complete torture withdrawal symptoms. Ironically that was just the beginning of series of physical pain I would endure in the next year and a half and that alone should had been a red flag. But that’s another story for another day.

It bothers me that people are so quick to judge those who attempt or commit suicide. Saying they’re selfish. Did they not think of the people who CARE about them that they were LEAVING behind. Did they not think of what would happen AFTER.

No, no they really really probably were not. Because when you’re in that dark ass mind set of doing whatever you can to kill this intense pain surging through your body and fuckin with your head and your emotions all you can think of is MAKE IT FUCKIN STOP. Is it really SELFISH? When you’ve lost all kinds of control and your mind is warping every thought you have? You don’t know what fight they’re fighting in their heads so how could say it’s selfish? How could you say they’re being inconsiderate?

I wish the world would wake the hell up and educate themselves on mental health. On suicide. On depression. On anxiety. ON BEING DECENT FUCKIN PEOPLE. But this is life and this is reality and none of that is going to change any time soon.

Love the people you love hard. Listen when they speak, really listen. You don’t know who’s day you’re making by just doing that.

And on any other day I’d say…

Today was a special day at some point of my life. It was significant. And the reason why doesn’t really matter anymore.

I feel like it should be weird I don’t talk to my ex husband anymore. Or it should be weird that we’re not friends but honestly, it doesn’t feel weird at all. That bond or connection we had before is completely gone and besides asking him if he has something of mine or information I need for documents that happened in our old life I find no reason to talk to him and I’m totally okay with that.

It should be weird to stop talking to someone you’ve talked to every single day since you were 17, shouldn’t it? For some reason for me, it’s not. I guess I’m one of the lucky ones.

Lucky if you consider the fact that my ex husband was creeping around behind my back and lying to my face and turning into some monster I didn’t know over the span of a year thanks to someone he claimed he “saw as a little sister” then dates her after you file for divorce even though she’s in her own country now and to find out shortly after he moves to her country like you can just do that or something.

You seriously don’t know how shady or how stupid people can really be until you divorce them.

I don’t even hate him anymore. I don’t hate her either. They deserve each other.

This year, is my year and I refuse to let them take another year of my time after the two they already took.

I have a legitimate family to take care of and legitimate legal business to handle.

Speaking of…

I’ve been watching YouTube videos based on watercolor. Peoples speed sketches and tutorials. Finding out that I can in fact watercolor my Frozen adult coloring book. Like, that’s awesome news. Buuuuut, I kinda wish I had watercolor pencils to work with since it would be easier than working with gel watercolor paints and making a mess. But who knows, maybe the mess will be fun. I figure it’ll help me practice getting the hang of it all before I start my own sketches and stuff.

Speaking of my family…

Jane is begging to be fed. Cat diets are such a struggle when they give you sad eyes. Sigh.

IMG_7802
How can you say no to that face?!

You are now on the other side of sanity…

I came across this blog under my “On This Day” app for my old FB page this morning. I remember those days and it’s so strange to think that they were five years ago. And that my life is nothing like that now.

This year the holidays/December isn’t as festive as I had wanted/hoped they would be. I guess it’s still better than last year when I had pretty much nothing though, right? Still I had hoped to go to Disney yesterday which didn’t happen and it looks highly unlikely that I’ll be going at all in December. I’ve only been to Magic Kingdom ONCE since I moved to this shit ass boring city and I haven’t been to any of the other parks since before I moved. And I moved here in July. So…

I honestly sometimes feel like I went from a fucked up marriage to a struggling relationship and that’s not what I wanted. I’m so burned out by other peoples problems. I’m suppose to be focusing on me. I’m suppose to be doing things that make ME happy. I’m suppose to be selfish for once. To live my life the way I want to. And I’m back to feeling like I can’t do that — still.

Oh well, I guess there’s always next year.

I guess.

I got to know, is there a place for me?

NOW SPiNNiNG: Who Can I Run To by Xscape

A long long time ago I had a boyfriend who lived in Florida (ironic and random, right?). He was, for lack of better word, intense. It was one of those short lived seriously serious yet seriously not that serious relationships. If that makes sense. He has recently crept back into my mind and I’m not really sure why, considering there isn’t much to remember. But there is.

I remember sitting in my childhood best friends room during her birthday party. Her cousin c-walking around her room, her trying to copy his moves and me talking to my boyfriend. “Yeah, just watching my friends cousin c-walk… it’s kinda hot.” “oh you think that’s hot? Alright, I’ll c-walk for you one day baby.” He was ghetto. A ghetto raver/racer/c-walker who wore beanies and hats. He had a low sleepy voice. We would stay up until 5AM my time talking all night long. I don’t even remember about what. Not realizing back then that it was 8AM his time. Gawd, our relationship must had been exhausting.

I remember when we broke up and all this drama spewed. Like I said, he was intense. And a little hurtful. I remember bits and pieces of it. I also remember dating a mutual friend so I guess I wasn’t that torn up about it.

It’s one of those things that bring a smile and a scowl to my face. He’s vanished off the face of the planet a long time ago, I couldn’t even try to contact him now if I tried. But I do wonder how he is, if he remembers me.

It’s kinda funny when you look back on past relationships and hope that the other person is doing nothing but well.

I was waiting for some magical moment…

When I was sixteen, I was hanging out in an AOL chat room one night (like I did every night) and a boy who frequented the same chat room sent me an IM which I thought was weird because he hardly ever talked and I couldn’t figure out why he decided that night to IM me (not to be creepy but I legit still have that first conversation saved in one of my email account archives somewhere). We got the talking and after about a month or so of back and forth, tug and pull, does he like me or does he not like me — I finally asked him out on May 29th 2001. True, we hadn’t met yet, he lived in the city which was an hour away. We didn’t meet until maybe a week or two after that. My good friend (who’s still a good friend) dragged me with her the next time I was in the city to meet him and it was… weird. For someone who had daydreamed of their first kiss their whole life it was just… strange. If that makes sense.

After that seeing each other was a little complicated at first until he came over the first time and met my parents, after that it was a little easier to make it out to the city. For 16 year olds we were pretty crafty with hiding our long distance relationship from our parents prior to you know, not hiding it. Insane is the word that comes to mind when I think back of all the ways we tried to see each other.

Our romance only lasted about 5 months (but it felt like foreverrrr) and there was a lot of drama, mostly from my end. I was a bat crazy psycho (sorry dude) over everything. And the heartbreak that came from our final break up was so painful I didn’t know what to do with myself for literally a year. It was bad. Really bad. It literally destroyed me bad. But looking back it wasn’t just the relationship itself that destroyed me, it went on into things much deeper than that. I think I pretty much just used the relationship as an excuse to let all of the hurt from everything else surface and at some point it all got so mixed up I couldn’t tell what from what anymore.

I thought I’d never get over him.

But now, twelve years later (holy crap I can’t believe it’s been that long!) I can honestly say I barely think of him. I do wonder how he’s doing when his name pops up on a mutual friends Facebook status or what he’s up to or if we could still be friends today (then I think… no. Why would I want to do that?!). I can’t say I think back to our good times because I don’t remember them. I do remember he use to make sure there was Cherry Pepsi for me when I came over and he’d buy me Cherryheads (which was my favorite candy then — and now).

I do think about how he was the perfect person to destroy me. We didn’t have anything in common, we got along on a pretty shallow level and honestly there was nothing I really liked about him. Isn’t that strange? To be so in love with someone at some point of your life, think back and realize there was nothing even there to begin with? Love is truly blind as shit. We weren’t even friends while we were dating. He didn’t support anything I wanted to do with my life and he gave crappy advice. But I grew so much from that point of my life and I think that’s what really matters to me.

Everyone worries about their first kiss being perfect or losing their vee card to the perfect person but honestly, when you grow up and you get down to experience, your first anything sort of just fades into the background. It’s almost as important as when your first tooth fell out.

It becomes irrelevant.

Dear Zel…

I know right now, at this point of your life things are complete and utter shit. I know you feel helpless, stuck and afraid and I’m sorry that I wasn’t strong enough to remove you from the situation you’re in now. I’m sorry that you’ll still be living the nightmare within the next six months and I’m sorry that it will only get much worse from here.

If I could tell you anything, right now, it would be this: you will lose your friends. You will lose the one person who is the most important to you. When this will be over, you will have no one and nothing. You will also lose your best friend, and that will kill you. Even ten years later.

But despite all that, everything will get better. You won’t understand why these things are happening or what it’s all suppose to mean and it will be hard to pick yourself back up but you will. You’ll make mistakes along the way and hurt a boy who never had the intention of hurting you because your guard will still be up and well because let’s face it, you’re a bitch and sometimes you like making mistakes. And that’s totally okay. But the boy will forgive you. Though he’ll do a super jackass thing that will hurt you ten times worse, but let’s not get into that now… we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Or well, when you get there, cause I was already there and all.

I’m getting off track, we tend to do that, don’t we? Can tell you right now, ten years from now you’ll still for the most part be you. The parts of you that save your sanity but other parts… the parts you might like the most about yourself will be muted. I’m still working on how to unmute them.

Point is, right now sucks. Summer will suck harder. But you’ll be okay.

I know I said earlier I was sorry for not being strong enough and a part of me is sorry. A part of me wishes this never happened. A part of me wishes I had known better. That you had known better. But who were you going to tell? Who was going to understand? Everyone already had their assumptions and that was bad enough. What if everyone had known the truth? What good would it had done? To this day, I still think none. Because everyone would think the *duh* solution would to leave, like it would had been that easy. Like you weren’t scared for your life. No one understands that until they’re in that themselves. I’m sorry in general that you had to go through that — no one should ever have to. But I can not say I’m sorry it happened. For one, let’s be real. You kinda deserved it. And second it made you into a stronger person. It will take a lot of time, but you will be a stronger person because of it. That’s not to excuse the mark and mental issues it left you with but still.

This is the beginning of the end. But you’ll be okay. I promise. ♥

The beginning of the end…

o309o3 is a date deeply buried in the put of my mind. Where it should stay. But it was the beginning of an end and ten years ago today was the start of a series of life changing moments that would hit me full force and take everything and everyone away from me.

It’s crazy to think that one person would have the ability to flip your life into chaos before your own eyes. It’s crazy to think that it could happen to you. And when you find yourself trapped in that type of relationship — that type of situation — it’s far too late to do anything to fix it. It feels like there are no secret escape routes, there are no exits and there is no one to help you. It feels like the only way out, is to kill yourself. And to find yourself in that type of situation? It’s hard to explain, it’s hard to make others understand and trying to reflect on it, ten years later? Everything is hazy at this point. There are bits and pieces that spark up the most intense emotions for me and there are other things I struggle to remember because I’ve wiped it from my memory.

Ten years ago I was reckless and regardless of what anyone says, I still say I had this coming. I tried getting over someone else by moving on to someone else. To someone I barely knew and rushing things. Maybe that was the biggest mistake of all, the rushing of things.

And while this whole thing changed and destroyed my life and the me I knew, I’m thankful for it. I grew because of it, it guided me to my husband and now, ten years later I’m doing what I’ve always wanted to do. I’m happy, I’m accomplished and while I’m not yet fully stable, I know I’m getting there and that’s better than still being destroyed.

So to you, thank you. For ruining me. Thank you for six months of hell. It showed me what love REALLY looks like and it allowed me to rebuild myself into a better stronger version of who Zel was.