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Weekly Recap; June 4th – 11th

Let’s pretend today’s Sunday, yeah?

This weekend was… kinda awful and anxiety inducing. Actually the whole week kinda was. I’ve had issues with bugs making their way into MY BEDROOM which is not cool; I hate bugs. Like, I hate them, they scare the shit out of me. I had 2 roaches, a random beetle and TWO FUCKIN WASPS make their way into MY BEDROOM. Apparently there was a gap or something in my window frame that was allowing them to come in. Like, what the fuck. Which is weird because I live on the THIRD FLOOR and I’ve been here for ELEVEN MONTHS and I’m just now having this problem?! Like, what changed? Wtf? It’s so weird and crazy! Like, WASPS? REALLY? What are they doing this close to a building? There’s no tree’s in front of my window. There’s nothing, it’s just a freakin parking lot out there so I’m totally confused. Anyway, maintenance came and fixed it but I feel like it’s not totally fixed, but I’m also paranoid, so there’s that.

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Sometime’s life gives us the hardest lessons…

 

Last Memorial Day weekend the morning sickness of my first pregnancy was kicking my ass and hard. But I had no idea at the time it was morning sickness or that I was pregnant. I wasn’t throwing up, I was just feeling… weird. Like not dizzy but not really well enough to sit up for a long period of time. I’m not really sure how to describe it.

It wasn’t until a week of it progressing, and quickly that I decided to take a pregnancy test. I was pretty sure there wasn’t any way I could BE pregnant but I just felt weird.

Normally, when you get pregnant by someone you’ve been dating for over a year and live with you’d probably assume hope you wouldn’t get the reaction I did.

So I went to take the pregnancy test. I was the first to see it since I was the one who went to check on it, it was boldy positive. And just a huge rush of emotions drowned me. I never wanted kids but I suddenly felt so very protective over it and I actually started crying. No joke, I was crying. I wasn’t sad. That was the surprising part and I wanted to tell my mom so badly. I was actually excited. Scared as fuck, but excited.

He went in after me to check the test.

He didn’t say anything.

He walked out, grabbed his phone and the first thing he said was “we need to find an abortion clinic.”

I don’t need to describe the emotions that came after that statement left his mouth.

He didn’t ask me how I felt. He didn’t ask me how I felt about it. He didn’t even acknowledge my reaction. He blankly walked out of the bathroom and grabbed his phone. That night while I was laying in bed he spammed me with links via text message of abortion clinics he found in our area.

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Weekly Recap; May 14th – 20th

May, you are moving WAY TOO FAST FOR MY LIKING.

Just saying.

My kitchen smells like ass right now, not that THAT’S anything ever new. Which I’m between so fuckin tired of it and fuck it.

I’m so excited to have my OWN OWN PLACE that I DON’T HAVE TO SHARE WITH ANYONE pretty soon. Like, SO EXCITED. Ya’ll have no idea HOW EXCITED I am about this!

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Weekly Recap; May 7th – 13th

Uhm, excuse me May, but can you like… stop moving so damn fast? I need to start packing this week. Or at least seriously start sorting through and throwing things away. Which doesn’t help when I keep getting mail.

I suspended my Candy Club box until Aug, I might just cancel it. I’m not sure yet. Which still leaves Julep, Graze, Ipsy, Sephora, Owlcrate and the 1up box I just signed up for. Yeah I might just have to suspend some of these so I don’t have to worry about losing packages in the mail.

So this week will be focused on sorting/tossing things I don’t use, haven’t used in the last 2 years and don’t see myself using after the move. It’s going to be hard and it’s going to suck a bit but it needs to be done.

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The Moving Chronicles | From FL to TX

This is stressing me out. So I figured, why not make a document it. Cause you know me… I like to document everything.

I’ve never moved from state to state that required a moving company and furniture. The last time I moved from CA to FL and back… and back again I had 3 pieces of luggage and that was it. So the move wasn’t that stressful or hard. I mean it was but in different ways. That didn’t cost me over a grand to do.

But this time I have furniture, stuff, important documents and a cat. All of which I need to get from FL to TX. Granted it’s not across the country but it is still proving to be a bit pricey.

My roommate leaves at the end of the month and I found this service on Amazon. As far as I know she hasn’t really ever cleaned/deep cleaned her room or bathroom so I figure I’d use it for when she leaves and they’ll fix everything up. I’ve always been a huge fan of Amazon services since like 2006 so yeah. And it releases some of the stress of me trying to figure out how to pack, clean, sort everything, take care of Sophie and alla that.

I’m just trying to find ways to make this move and process as stress free as I can.

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Weekly Recap; April 30th – May 6th

How the heck is it already May?!

How the heck is it already Sunday?!

Does time just zip by faster the older you get?!

WHAT IS GOING ON?!

So it’s Sunday again which means… another weekly recap! Yay!

Yeah I don’t think much happened this week. I did write a follow up email for the last moving company I’m waiting a response on and… nothing all week. I called yesterday and was sent to the main corp line since the offices were closed the weekend. So if I don’t hear anything tomorrow I’ll call again. But then Sophie also has her check up tomorrow and I’m really hoping she will be good and not crying and alla that. It’s my first time taking her to a check up by myself, so this should be interesting. Should I vlog this? #lifeafter30 #after30withacat #whatismylife

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Weekly Recap; April 23rd – April 28th

I’m writing this post a day early.

I was going to schedule this post for tomorrow and lie but what if something interesting happens today?! So yeah, I’m just posting it a day earlier, whatever.

Currently I’m a bit peeved at my roommate who decided to throw away raw chicken yesterday MORNING before she LEFT FOR WORK, leaving it to sit in the trash in the kitchen ALL FUCKIN DAY in 90* Florida weather; I turned off the AC for a bit because I was feeling sick and cold not realizing there was RAW CHICKEN IN THE TRASH. So the apartment pretty much ended up smelling like something fuckin died. All day. I asked her about it at around 10pm to which she told me she tossed chicken and would be taking the trash out to the dumpster. I was falling in and out of sleep and at around midnight I woke up to the smell of dead shit in my house, so I asked her if she tossed it and she said she didn’t but she would put it outside — trash gets picked up from Sunday to Thursday. So that means the HALLWAY would smell like DEAD SHIT. Cause that’s better. Not to mention she still hasn’t filled out a resident form for living here and she’s set to move out in June.

So yeah, I’m kinda annoyed.

I really do try to keep my apartment as clean and as tidy as my anxiety will let me. I also try really hard to make sure my apartment SMELLS GOOD. It’s so important to me that my place smells good and I feel like recently that goal is SO HARD TO ACHIEVE and it’s starting to really piss me off.

This is like the 3rd time she’s done this. Also, not including other things.

Sophie is crying at my door, what the fuck.

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For 12 years, I waited…

I took a Disney solo trip yesterday, the first time in two years! It’s crazy to notice how much my life has changed in the last two years, in the last 3 years, in the last 4 years. And how quickly and vastly it changed too.

I was walking through Tomorrowland in Magic Kingdom to get to Main Street so I could find a good spot for the Festival of Fantasy parade.

And as I was walking through Tomorrowland and passing the race cars, then the bathrooms, then the ice cream shop, making my way around People Mover (which I wanted to get on but I didn’t want to risk missing the parade), passing Buzz then Monster’s Laugh Floor I got hit with random memories.

In 2011 when myself and my then husband first did our Disney College Program he was put in Tomorrowland which at the time I thought was funny because right before our program I finally got around to watching Toy Story and fell in love with Buzz Lightyear. How ironic he was working that attraction. During his training he was with two girls — Allison and Zafi. Zafi seemed to have a crush on him from day one whereas him and Allison “naturally” just didn’t like each other. After their training was over the next thing I knew they were best friends and weeks after that going on best friend dates, whatever the fuck that even is.

Call me crazy but how could you possibly be best friends with a girl you hated just less than a month ago that you barely know? Maybe it’s just me but if I’m married to someone, I better be your only female best friend (besides if you’ve had one since you were a kid, that’s different. But no new bitches)! Every group of interns had a dance at the end of their program, I’ve always been insecure (or I was, I’m not anymore) about wearing dresses but a friend of mine went dress shopping with me for this dance. Everyone told me how cute I looked… everyone but my husband who didn’t say anything. Yet the next night after the dance I found text messages of him messaging Allison about how beautiful she looked or how pretty she was through out the week or how her hugs made him so happy he didn’t want to let go.

Clearly after finding shit like that you’d be curious to know what the FUCK is going on. Though he assured me nothing was going on as they kept going on “best friend dates”. They often took midnight trips to Wal-Mart, alone. There were rumors going on about them and one of his friends — Amy had dropped some info on my lap at one point. He found out I had been talking to Amy and got mad at me. That began the whole “I don’t want you coming to see me at work” and “I don’t want you talking to any of my friends”. So I was a bit banned from Tomorrowland, any time I would stop by when I was in Magic Kingdom just to say hi he would get angry. I often left heartbroken and sad; but one thing that always stopped me in my tracks was Wishes, the fireworks show. I would be on my way out as quickly as I could but Wishes always stopped me. I’d stand on Main Street and watch it until it was over.

Even years later and many girls of the same situation later; when I moved behind Magic Kingdom, the nights he’d leave me alone to hang out with yet another girl I wasn’t allowed to meet ever, I’d sit in front of my apartment on the curb and watch Wishes (without the music, but it was still just as magical).


For 12 years I waited for him to be a husband, considering he’s the one who wanted to get married in the first place. Not me.

For 12 years I waited for him to defend me against his family who would talk crap that didn’t make sense about me, but he never did.

For 12 years I waited for him to defend me against one of his hoes who had something bad to say about me, but he never did.

For 12 years I waited for that fairytale element of marriage where you’re in bed together at the end of the day talking about your day, it never happened.

For 12 years I waited for him to say, “hey, I know you’re stressed from school and work let me take you out to dinner”, but he never did.

For 12 years I waited for him to… I don’t even know. But waiting for 12 years for things that were never going to happen was 12 years too long.

Everything that went wrong was naturally my fault. Everyone who had something bad to say about me I deserved it.

Things only got worse from Allison, maybe I’ll write about the others another day. But for now, I just needed to get this off of me.

I’m mad about the things that happened, the things that went on, the things that kept going on, the fact he couldn’t man up and apologize, at the way I was treated and how situations were handled. I knew I deserved MORE and BETTER than that and yet I stayed. I stayed because I was scared. Scared I would never find a bond like the one I had with him. So I stayed, and kept getting pushed to the side for other people.

And now, years later, I wonder why. Why did I think I would never find a bond like the one I had with him? Why did I think that was as good as I was gonna get? That’s such an insane thought. There are 7 billion people in this world, who is he in the sea all of them?

And now, years later I’ve found someone who I have an even stronger bond with, a bond I didn’t think was even real. And for almost a year he’s helped me through every step of every single healing process that’s come up.

Baby baby, I feel crazy…

IMG_0665

Abuse.

Relationships.

You never think it could happen to you. It could never be you. YOU would never be that stupid; especially if you managed to escape on abusive relationship.

But that’s the thing — you don’t realize you’re in an abusive relationship until that much later and until you feel so stuck you don’t know what to do or where to go.

The healing process is such a sticky stretch of time.

I can say this and that. I can act this way and that way. But sometimes in the middle of the day I’ll be afraid. Afraid to say something, afraid to do something, afraid to suggest something in my current relationship because of how past relationships played out. It’s not that I’m comparing my current relationship to my past ones, it’s just a fear. A fear that was relevant during a long period of time in my life and though I know I’m with someone who cares and who wouldn’t hurt me and who hasn’t hurt me for almost a year now, sometimes I can’t help but still be scared. To still hold back certain things.

Do you remember who you were before people told you who to be?

Sometimes I think I figured my own mind out, but then something happens or something is brought up to remind me that NOPE. Hella nope. I didn’t figure out shit.

While looking for the photo I attached above, which is yes, me; I ran into a bunch of other old photos. Ones I forgot about and ones that made me both mad and sad. I’ve never felt compelled to really delete photos or posts or a time frame of my life no matter how bad it was because pain helps you grow. However for this frame of time, I would happily delete everything.

As the days turn into weeks and months, and the events of that span of time start to fade away the reality is they’re not really fading but being phased out by new memories. I don’t like talking about triggers because I feel like it’s bad juju (I grew up in a household where you should never reveal your weaknesses) and because it’s not anyone’s business but mine really. I never have much to say considering when I am triggered, I withdraw from communication and hide away to myself.

Which in my current relationship my boyfriend is trying to get me to stop doing that and instead talk about it, if there’s anything he can help me with he wants to be there to help. Or even to just listen to what’s going on in my mind. And it’s not to use it against me later but to help me understand that he thinks I’m completely amazing despite my past and what people have conditioned me to believe. And that too is a scary thing to overcome.

I don’t really remember where I was going or why I decided to write this entry especially considering how vague everything turned out to be… maybe I’m still not ready to fully talk about it the way I want to/need to in order to heal, but maybe some time soon.

At least this is one step towards that.

Weekly Recap; April 9th – 16th

My birthday week celebration \o/

I’m skipping this last week cause it was pretty much me being lazy and trying to recoup from the week long vacation/staycation.

Bubba flew down here on the 9th to spend my birthday week with me. It was his first time on a plane by himself, the first time he’d ever been to Florida and his first time at ANY Disney park. Which blows my mind considering how much of a Disney fan he is! But I was pretty excited to have him here and share all my favorite things and places within Disney limits with him!

This post is gonna be LONG and super picture heavy.

A P R I L   9 T H

He landed at 945am, I took an Uber to the airport since my roommate had her guy over and I didn’t know so walking in on that was awkward. Anyway, I had a really cool Uber driver who made the drive that early in the morning that much better. And I sat and waited for him. He told me 915 but meant 945, his flight left TX at 615 is what it was. It’s okay, at least I wasn’t late. Went on an epic adventure to find the Magical Express once we got his luggage.

Got to the resort, checked in, paid off the rest of the stay and had them hold our luggage/bring it to our room when our room was ready (I love how convenient Disney makes everything!) and headed to Disney Springs. This day we settled for just relaxing and spending the day at Disney Springs just to introduce him around. He ordered my birthday cake and we had lunch at T-Rex which he enjoyed \o/ we also got a night show for Power Rangers at the dine-in theater. Beauty and the Beast wasn’t until 3pm and we were gonna head back to the hotel around that time so we couldn’t make that time frame. After lunch we walked around, I showed him around. At 3 we headed back to the hotel, they texted me about an hour after we got to Springs that our room was ready (wayyy before 3pm!) and our stuff was already in there. We went to make sure. And it was all there! I took him around the resort; I opted for All Star Movies (which I had stayed in before and loved it) and he was loving all the big figures around the resort. We were put in Fantasia which was nice and close to the pool (I was in Dalmatians before and it was farther back). We hung out in the hotel for awhile, it was really hot so being in a cool AC room was nice.

We headed back to Springs right before the movie.

The movie itself was epic except… when did Rita get so damn creepy?! Also the food was SO disappointing! I got the Teriyaki bowl and the rice was SO dry and it had NO sauce! Also the vanilla milkshake wasn’t the best even if it came with an ice cream sandwich. I couldn’t take pics of any of the food cause it was so damn dark. So yeah, BLAH. BLAH on that experience! At least the movie was good.

After the movie we walked around some more.

I loved seeing how excited he was about seeing everything. He kept telling me to take pictures of EVERYTHING lol. I guess I’m spoiled since I see this stuff all the time that I never know WHAT to take pictures of! But I remember how excited I was about everything the first time I ever came to Disney, though in 2011 it was VERY different than it is now!

Also, can you spot the hidden Goofy in the last picture?

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