pictures

Baby baby, I feel crazy…

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Abuse.

Relationships.

You never think it could happen to you. It could never be you. YOU would never be that stupid; especially if you managed to escape on abusive relationship.

But that’s the thing — you don’t realize you’re in an abusive relationship until that much later and until you feel so stuck you don’t know what to do or where to go.

The healing process is such a sticky stretch of time.

I can say this and that. I can act this way and that way. But sometimes in the middle of the day I’ll be afraid. Afraid to say something, afraid to do something, afraid to suggest something in my current relationship because of how past relationships played out. It’s not that I’m comparing my current relationship to my past ones, it’s just a fear. A fear that was relevant during a long period of time in my life and though I know I’m with someone who cares and who wouldn’t hurt me and who hasn’t hurt me for almost a year now, sometimes I can’t help but still be scared. To still hold back certain things.

Do you remember who you were before people told you who to be?

Sometimes I think I figured my own mind out, but then something happens or something is brought up to remind me that NOPE. Hella nope. I didn’t figure out shit.

While looking for the photo I attached above, which is yes, me; I ran into a bunch of other old photos. Ones I forgot about and ones that made me both mad and sad. I’ve never felt compelled to really delete photos or posts or a time frame of my life no matter how bad it was because pain helps you grow. However for this frame of time, I would happily delete everything.

As the days turn into weeks and months, and the events of that span of time start to fade away the reality is they’re not really fading but being phased out by new memories. I don’t like talking about triggers because I feel like it’s bad juju (I grew up in a household where you should never reveal your weaknesses) and because it’s not anyone’s business but mine really. I never have much to say considering when I am triggered, I withdraw from communication and hide away to myself.

Which in my current relationship my boyfriend is trying to get me to stop doing that and instead talk about it, if there’s anything he can help me with he wants to be there to help. Or even to just listen to what’s going on in my mind. And it’s not to use it against me later but to help me understand that he thinks I’m completely amazing despite my past and what people have conditioned me to believe. And that too is a scary thing to overcome.

I don’t really remember where I was going or why I decided to write this entry especially considering how vague everything turned out to be… maybe I’m still not ready to fully talk about it the way I want to/need to in order to heal, but maybe some time soon.

At least this is one step towards that.

Weekly Recap; April 9th – 16th

My birthday week celebration \o/

I’m skipping this last week cause it was pretty much me being lazy and trying to recoup from the week long vacation/staycation.

Bubba flew down here on the 9th to spend my birthday week with me. It was his first time on a plane by himself, the first time he’d ever been to Florida and his first time at ANY Disney park. Which blows my mind considering how much of a Disney fan he is! But I was pretty excited to have him here and share all my favorite things and places within Disney limits with him!

This post is gonna be LONG and super picture heavy.

A P R I L   9 T H

He landed at 945am, I took an Uber to the airport since my roommate had her guy over and I didn’t know so walking in on that was awkward. Anyway, I had a really cool Uber driver who made the drive that early in the morning that much better. And I sat and waited for him. He told me 915 but meant 945, his flight left TX at 615 is what it was. It’s okay, at least I wasn’t late. Went on an epic adventure to find the Magical Express once we got his luggage.

Got to the resort, checked in, paid off the rest of the stay and had them hold our luggage/bring it to our room when our room was ready (I love how convenient Disney makes everything!) and headed to Disney Springs. This day we settled for just relaxing and spending the day at Disney Springs just to introduce him around. He ordered my birthday cake and we had lunch at T-Rex which he enjoyed \o/ we also got a night show for Power Rangers at the dine-in theater. Beauty and the Beast wasn’t until 3pm and we were gonna head back to the hotel around that time so we couldn’t make that time frame. After lunch we walked around, I showed him around. At 3 we headed back to the hotel, they texted me about an hour after we got to Springs that our room was ready (wayyy before 3pm!) and our stuff was already in there. We went to make sure. And it was all there! I took him around the resort; I opted for All Star Movies (which I had stayed in before and loved it) and he was loving all the big figures around the resort. We were put in Fantasia which was nice and close to the pool (I was in Dalmatians before and it was farther back). We hung out in the hotel for awhile, it was really hot so being in a cool AC room was nice.

We headed back to Springs right before the movie.

The movie itself was epic except… when did Rita get so damn creepy?! Also the food was SO disappointing! I got the Teriyaki bowl and the rice was SO dry and it had NO sauce! Also the vanilla milkshake wasn’t the best even if it came with an ice cream sandwich. I couldn’t take pics of any of the food cause it was so damn dark. So yeah, BLAH. BLAH on that experience! At least the movie was good.

After the movie we walked around some more.

I loved seeing how excited he was about seeing everything. He kept telling me to take pictures of EVERYTHING lol. I guess I’m spoiled since I see this stuff all the time that I never know WHAT to take pictures of! But I remember how excited I was about everything the first time I ever came to Disney, though in 2011 it was VERY different than it is now!

Also, can you spot the hidden Goofy in the last picture?

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Weekly Recap; March 19th – 25th

I can’t believe how fast the month is going!

Two more weeks and Bubba will be here to spend a week with me for my birthday \o/ which also means… two more weeks until I turn 32. Ugh.I feel like I should feel old. I don’t look any older than 19 and I don’t act any older too, but I feel like time-wise, I could had done more with my life and my time. I don’t know exactly how since it’s not like I wasn’t trying or taking risks but sometimes things just don’t go as planned and that’s okay, what’s not okay is to sit around and mope about it like I have been for the passed few months now.

True things are harder without a car and things are harder when you’re doing them on your own but it’s the challenges in life that help us build who we ARE and to show us just how STRONG we can be if we just don’t quit.

Though quitting is so much easier than the other thing.

I feel like the majority of my 20’s was a waiting game. Waiting for a sign on what to do next. Waiting on a new dream/goal. Waiting for my marriage to magically fix itself. All of which didn’t happen so I feel like my 20’s were just me waiting around, for nothing. And I hate that and I hate thinking back to it but there’s nothing you can do about the past except plan better in the future.

Anyway, I’ll stop rambling, you’re not here for that today.

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Weekly Recap; March 12th – 18th

I should post more than just Weekly Recap’s here but sometimes I just don’t know what to say. Daily blogging use to be my thing, my release, my therapy. Even if I had nothing to say, I’d just talk. Maybe I should do that again, it helped me a lot when I was growing up to deal with my problems and find answers or to help me understand that some things just don’t have answers.

This week wasn’t all that eventful; I didn’t leave the house for one. I don’t want to be tempted to spend money since Bubba and I have a big vacation planned coming up (and quick)! So I’ve just been handling some stuff with the new place, bills, trying to some how get ready for the move and figure out how social media works (cause it’s a never ending learning experience).

I’m a bit of a blind box addict (thanks Disney World job and D-Street and Vinylmations!) and that Hopper up there is something I’ve been chasing for about if not over a year now. I’ve gotten pretty much everyone in that collection about 2 or 3 times EXCEPT FOR HOPPER. I don’t know why! But it’s definitely driven me crazy once or twice. When I was in Texas and I told Bubba about this he immediately searched for it on Amazon and had it shipped to me! I finally got him and I couldn’t be happier! Hopper means a lot to me because my last job at Disney was at Animal Kingdom in The Tree of Life with the It’s Tough To Be a Bug show and Hopper was always my favorite part of the show. Every morning when we would make sure everything was good before opening I’d always be so excited to see him and the days when Hopper wasn’t working were very sad and boring work days!

I also got the package that Bubba sent that was the stuff I couldn’t pack in my luggage when I got home — this boy. He spoils me so much that I actually have to ship a box back home every time I see him. SIGH. But every single thing he gets me is something thoughtful. I forgot I had put my Tsum Tsum Pastel Parade’s in there so I was super excited to see them again… and also the Hot Cheetos with Lime that were lining the box. And the World of Final Fantasy guide. And my Beauty and the Beast music box. And BATB plushies. I didn’t take pic of all that was in there but I should had! Maybe piece by piece I will :).

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Weekly Recap; March 5th – 12th

I’m sleepy. I’ve been sleepy all week. Wth.

Why is everything formatted to the right? Dammit WordPress, if something’s not broken why fix it?!

Now I feel like everything’s backwards.

I’m a little annoyed; Sophie pooped behind the table. So since I was cleaning that shit up I decided to just clean more stuff because why not, I’m already here. I still need to mop my bathroom though, and I will, after I write this post — if I ever finish it.

I’m gonna start with last Sunday (damn it’s been a week already?!); I was in Texas apartment hunting last weekend and I got there on Friday and left on Monday, I’m not gonna recap my whole trip in this post. I already did on my lifestyle blog hazearella and I might do one here, you know, just for me.

But we had brunch at Nerdvana, a cute chic cafe with video games scattered around. It’s in Frisco, TX in case you’re wondering. Our booth had a Super Nintendo with Mario Kart. I realized how shitty I am at playing MK now that I’m use to a joystick and not a d-pad. We kept falling off the stage, Bubba did much better than I did though lol. I had the Crab Cake Benedict and he had The Chicken Melt; both were really good. Maybe some day we’ll actually go for dinner and I’ll try one of their potions (how cute are the things they name their stuff?).

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Weekly Recap; Feb 19th – 26th

Has it already been a week?

I feel like I was just writing one of these.

It’s been a week since my shit ass ex boyfriend took my iPhone and PS4. Eliminating the obligation of gaming has been SO NICE. Like him taking the PS4 was the break I needed. I was suppose to replace it this week but decided to hold off another week because I’m enjoying all this free time THAT much. It’s so weird when you have a video game system in your bubble and how it makes you feel obligated to play; especially when it comes to an MMORPG. Granted before I lost the PS4 we weren’t really getting on that much anymore anyway. Just to do dailies/weeklies, crafting, gathering and that was pretty much it. But without that temptation… I don’t know, I just feel more free! Speaking of free, I also feel more free now that I’m not tied into his phone plan anymore (that he forced me into and never paid the cancellation fee from my previous provider even though he said he would, that boy is full of lies. Up the ass.) nor does he have a way of contacting me anymore \o/ thank goodness! Whew. He is taking it on himself to bug my roommate (whom he never had anything nice to say about) to indirectly contact me. In fact the other day he told her that I owed him $360+ to replace the phone I “ruined” though he has no proof I did it nor why would I do it. You wanted your phone and PS4 back, you got it back, now leave me alone. Then goes off saying I should be “responsible” and an “adult” since he’s “paid for my phone plan for a year” even though I never asked him to. Not to mention that whole year he was living in MY apartment he stopped paying rent after 3 months, didn’t pay bills, didn’t pay for food and hardly even paid for his own gas to get to work. So if he wants to talk about who owes who money he can shove his dick in his mouth. But he’s the type of person who thinks everything he says is right and everyone else is wrong. So there’s no point in even contacting/correcting him because he’s full of delirious ass shit and not worth any more of my time or energy.

On to my week!

Florida sunsets are my favorite. Though they remind me of Chatham Square and make me homesick for that place all the time. I’ve been burning candles again; one being the Key Lime Pie one my mom got me from Kohls, she got be 3 from the Sonoma line… wait no 4 but the last one isn’t part of this collection. The KLP one wasn’t my favorite. It was nice on cold sniff but lit it wasn’t that great. It had a weird after-scent to it. I’ve also been burning one of the candles my boyfriend got me for Valentines Day — I think I like this one the most which is Sweet Spun Sugar. It smells like straight up cotton candy, it’s so good! My first Nendoroid came in too, it’s of Garuda which is my favorite FF primal. She’s so cute! I wanna get the Ifrit one too but he’s not with Amazon Prime… sigh.

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Weekly Recap; Feb 12-Feb 18

I was suppose to spend Valentines Day weekend in Dallas with my boyfriend but I ended up missing my flight because I booked it on the wrong day. Yeah. That’s never happened before. It’s never happened that I didn’t check and double check either. The last few weeks have just been so stress filled that I haven’t been paying attention. I was pretty crushed because Valentines Day was pretty much ruined thanks to me. So I was feeling pretty disappointed at myself and down.

So I did a little bit of shopping, even though it didn’t really make me feel better. Penny ended up getting me even more stuff for Valentines Day. And surprisingly he managed to get my gift to me the day before Valentines Day!

My mom sent me a bunch of Lavender things to help me relax and ease my anxiety. I finished reading Scarlet by Marissa Meyer finally and loved it! I finished Cinder last year and it took me forever to get back into reading. I’m currently working on Cress now and I’m not enjoying it as much but it just started. I also got my Feb Graze box and I’m most excited about these two snacks I got!

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WEEKLY RECAP | JAN 15-21 2017

Do I go out every Saturday? This is starting to look like a trend…

Let’s see how this passed week ended up! Shall we?

It started with lots of Sophie hugs. I love how she’ll wrap her tail around my leg, do her little feet shuffle and look up at me. Gah I love this little girl so much! I decided to burn the rest of my Limoncello Poptail candle since it was pretty much almost gone anyway. I love this candle, I don’t even remember buying it but I’m glad I did! The American Home Lemon Cupcake candle was a disappointment with its non existent scent throw so I did the Wal-Mart wax melts inside my Yankee Candle tart warmer (seriously my favorite thing to do — I wish YC would sell empty plastic cups so I wouldn’t have to empty them myself) and this combo is seriously lemon heaven. Mm! I can’t get enough! Also, a house fly decided to die in my freshly made bubble bath… again. This is getting old guys, just stop.

 

I spent one of the days getting BurgerFi (it’s been awhile) which I loveeee. I got my burger wrapped in lettuce like I normally do, a “cry and fry” I hate onion rings normally but I love theirs! And their fries! With a root beer float. Their frozen custard is SO good. I wish I lived closer to one like I use to so I could just pop in for some frozen custard. My Uber driver there was this sweet older lady who I had so much fun talking to! After BurgerFi I headed over to Walgreens since I needed to restock on my disinfectant’s (I prefer Walgreens brand because they’re cheaper and they don’t have harsh chemicals like Lysol does that dry out and fuck up my hands). I also scouted the makeup to see what’s new which was A LOT of Wet N’ Wild and some Jordana liquid lippies. I picked up one, I shoulda picked up more… they were only $5 and the colors were so hard to pick from! They didn’t have my Essie polish I was looking for… booo. It’s probs better that way though. Then I walked over to Publix (it was such a pretty day out and that plaza is one of my favs that I don’t go to enough, I should though!) where I found out I hit 94 pounds… without the excessive kickboxing class. Huh. Maybe that whole you-gain-weight-when-you-age thing is catching up to me? Who knows. All I know is that it’s starting to cause tummy pudge and I need to do crunches and start running again… both of which I hate. But they work. I found the whole set of my green apple shampoo at Publix, hooray! I love this scent but I can’t find it anywhere else but Publix! So weird…

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Weekly Recap | Jan 8-14 2017

When you realize your week was much more full of product shots than what your week was actually… about.

 

I started transitioning from Winter to Spring; I don’t know why Kurmoi felt the need to push Kerropi over but she’s rude af. I’m loving the Bath & Body Works Lemon Zest energy aromatherapy candle. Wish I had grabbed more than 2 but I’m sure it’ll come back for the next semi annual sale (and I’ll be there to grab it again)!

I also started reading (and finished) The Cozy Life. I’m trying to include more Hygge into my lifestyle.

 

I filmed an unboxing video and actually posted it. I unboxed my Sanrio Small Crate that Bubba got me for Christmas, you can see the video here.

I used my new IT Cosmetics CC cream and I love it! It feels so good on the skin! I also used my Too Faced Peach Palette for the first time and I totally dig it. I wish I was more creative with my looks but it’s a work in progress.

I headed to Target to see if they had any more Valentines Day stuff — which they did — but I didn’t really end up picking anything up. I did get a drink from Starbucks which OMG I miss those on a daily basis (no pic cause I drank it too fast). I did spot some new candles from Target and I picked up one of the Pineapple Cake ones which smelled amazing on cold sniff but it doesn’t have a good scent throw sadly… and wasn’t really worth the $10 if you ask me. Also headed to VS to pick up more panties cause I’m in love with the way the PINK panties feel! Also grabbed some more stuff from their semi annual sale too like the hand cream and lip products. The rest of the stuff was my first round there earlier this month.

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Christmas Eve details <3

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE!

I was waiting for Bubz to get home from work but he ended up caught up in family stuff so… no dailies and no movie tonight /shrug. Haha long distance probs! It’s all good though, I’ll stay up to open gifts still. Just, three more hours!

I’ll probably craft some on FFXIV and run my crafting dailies. I need to make that gil yo.

I ordered Chinese take out too.

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I realized I don’t really have any Christmas Eve/Day food traditions or any Christmas Eve/Day traditions at all really. Like I said before, I never was really into the idea of actual Christmas. So this is kinda, new. Surprisingly. I do tend to eat Chinese though, but I also crave it on Christmas. It’s just a little harder when you don’t have family or anything with you. Even if it has been 3 years in a row, it doesn’t really get any easier.

It’s totally fine though.

Peace and quiet is nice too.

I haven’t watched any of my Christmas/Winter movies yet which kinda sucks. I kinda forgot about them and I didn’t read Dash and Lily’s Book of Dares this year either.

But like I also mentioned, this year has been kinda rough. So I can’t really expect myself to dabble in the same usual things and that’s fine. There’s always next year. Hell, I celebrate Christmas up until the first week of January, there’s still time!

I’m really looking forward to Spring colors and Valentines Day and Spring scents now lol. But that will come soon enough.

For tonight I’ll do some FFXIV stuff, read a little and maybe watch Serendipity while I wait for midnight to roll by.