reflect

Do you feel like a man, when you push her around?

Today last year was Easter.

I have a super private “blog” app I keep on my phone that I only write in when either something makes me incredibly sad or angry. I hardly post any happy things in there but lately I have been. So there’s been more happy posts and happy screenshots going on. I have a tendency to go back and read these posts as a I wonder what I was doing one year ago today thing. I did this a lot with my LiveJournal’s back in the day too.

Nick had said we’d go to Disney; it has been a thing I do — spend Easter at Disney. But the night before he had stayed up late gaming with his friends like stayed up till 7am gaming as he had been the whole week and weeks before that. Knowing his pattern, him sleeping that late meant he wasn’t going to get up until 3pm the next day and no matter how I asked he wouldn’t put that into consideration.

So when Easter Day came around I was obviously pretty pissed off about it. I remember being upset and tired of this shit — I hate empty promises and I hate liars. It was pretty much a month and a half of pent up irritation.

He walked over, grabbed me and slammed me into the couch pinning me down screaming at me to quit acting like a child. No matter how hard I tried to kick him or if I tried to push him off he would just tighten his grip and keep screaming at me. It gave me a massive panic attack that he told me to get over.

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How do you do it, you got me losing every breath…

SPiNNiNG: Latch by Disclosure

On days or nights I get really bad anxiety or I just don’t feel like talking I tend to blast the hell out of this song — it reminds me a lot of when I first met Penny and how obsessed we were with each other. Of course, five months later it’s hardly like that anymore. That’s just the typical timeline of a relationship.

Last night was weird; the day was fine. Nothing triggered me, nothing really went on during the day. Everything was fine. I had a bit of a reality slap during my late lunch but it wasn’t anything epic or serious really. Just the realization that I don’t have a s/o’s company this holiday season is a thing that’s happening. And it made me realize I haven’t ever been alone alone since I was 17. Granted I was married for 11 years but still, the realization that you’ll be completely alone during the holidays after that long of not is something that can be hard to swallow sometimes. It definitely puts a little bit of a panic on my mind but I’ll be fine, I’m sure. It’ll just be… different. And a lot more empty. But people go through this all the time, right? It’s not fatal.

I got sent home from work early and did a little bit of shopping so I mean, that was pretty exciting and happy.

So I went home and I went to unpack the Christmas stuff and put away the Halloween stuff. I’m not happy with it just yet but I’m still trying to figure out what to do with the place too. I still need to tidy and all of that — I’m hoping to get most of that done within the next week. Mostly because I’m tired of the mess around the place. And the boxes. But I found my small white tree that typically goes in my room. My theme this year are reds/browns/steampunk even though my room has white lights and garland. It’s whatever. One of these years I’ll go full on theme-y.

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It wasn’t until later that night that I got anxious and depressed and I couldn’t really figure out why. The last thing I remember was looking through the Christmas stuff that Nick had packed away and remembering what last Christmas was like — before he started being mean and how fun it was going all out with someone who was just as excited as you were to decorate the place. Our apartment was a Christmas wonderland last year. I loved it. I loved it so much. I was actually really sad when we had to take everything down.

But that isn’t really something to be sad about. And it was way random. I was always about making my own traditions and I have a good handful of them. Why should this year be any different? It shouldn’t.

But yet last night was still really rough and annoying anxiety-wise.

I just started feeling worthless and hopeless and not worth anyone’s time. I was basically throwing myself a really intense pity party and it’s been a good while since I’ve done any of that crap so I wasn’t too happy with myself because I’m suppose to be stronger than that. I’m suppose to get those thoughts out of my mind before they take over. But I couldn’t and I didn’t.

I’m a little better now though and I suppose that’s all that really matters.

Single > Divorced

I stumbled on this little article published by Psychology Today titled “If Being Married Is So Great, Why Do So Many People Cheat?” And a quote really stuck out to me.

“Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.”—Oscar Wilde

The first thought that popped into my head was, I would had rather never gotten married than to experience divorce. It’s like that stupid quote that use to float all over AOL, “It’s better to had loved than to never had loved at all.”

Okay, before you assume everyone feels that way, I’m here to smack you with the fact that some of us would had rather be blissfully UNAWARE.

Although it should be noted that the events of widowhood, and perhaps divorce as well, appear to have long-lasting negative effects.

Awesome, I’m ruined for good. For a marriage I didn’t even want in the first place.

Now I know saying I would rather had never been married than had been divorced is such a heavy statement. But the truth is, I never wanted to be married to begin with. I don’t believe in marriage. And for the most part I don’t think my ex husband did either but since we had been dating for over five years, he felt that the only logical thing was to get married. As much as I had stood my ground against this, he joined the military and well, in order to stay with him we had to get married. Which resulted in the stressors of putting together a “decent” wedding, in eight weeks. I managed to pull it off (and at this point, I’m certain I can make ANYTHING happen after that experience) but I remember crying the night before my wedding because I really did NOT want to get married. I didn’t feel like, even through out my wedding day, that this was going to change anything. You see, my ex husband has always had a child’s mind the whole time we were dating and up until recently I realized I was married to a narcissist (but that’s a different entry all together). So while he made promises of trying harder and all this and that — through our five year marriage none of that happened. Everything was still up to me; financially, emotionally, living wise… he never took part or responsibility or helped when it came to our marriage. Only to, in the end, cheat on me from some girl from fuckin Australia that he worked with that I wasn’t allowed to ever meet, see, or talk to. Oh and he’d hang out with her till 3AM several times a week and not tell me where he was with her. Not to mention he would also spend about 16 hours a day with her once or twice a week. For a year. Not including the times I caught him lying or in another city with her.

Yeah.

So that pretty much solidifies the fact that I think marriage. is. bullshit.

Now I know that every experience is different and every person is different. But it brings truth to this statement.

Analyzing the empirical findings concerning the marriage paradox requires a subtle approach. Indeed, one longitudinal study of the impact of marital transitions on life satisfaction reveals that people who get married and stay married are indeed more satisfied than on average, but they were already so, long before the marriage took place. It seems that, often, happy people are more likely to get and stay married. On average, people get only a very small boost from marriage; most people are no more satisfied after marriage than they were prior to it.

So this suggests that if a person, prior to marriage was already a miserable fucked up person then marriage wouldn’t be able to help that.

I’m again, not saying this is true for everyone.

But it was true in my own situation.

As much as I would love to bash my ex husband I gotta take some credit for this.

I suffered from depression, anxiety and OCD before and during our marriage. His extreme outings with his whore pretty much caused my brain to short circuit and I had to take medication because my anxiety attacks were SO bad. Didn’t help that he refused to leave his date no matter how awful I felt. Taking the medication helped, I felt a sense of emotional freedom I had never experienced before and I gave less of a shit about him and what he was doing behind my back. It didn’t turn me into an emotionless zombie like I had hoped, but it did assist me in getting my mind right.

This also reminds me of a video I stumbled on on Facebook last night called, “I’m a husband, not a boyfriend.”

 

 

Shareeff talks about how he’s a husband before his wife even comes into the picture. He prepares himself as a husband therefore he don’t spend time with girls who are only “girlfriends”. And every thing he mentions really hit home with me. Thinking back on my previous marriage, there was no other step after getting married. My ex husband did not believe in self improvement (yet he rubbed it in my face after marriage that he eventually did and how he’s a better person than me and oh he’s dating that “friend” who he thought of as a “sister” that he dipped out on me for during our marriage), did not believe in stepping up to provide for his family. He didn’t have that mentality. He probably still doesn’t. But he would be considered a “boyfriend” and not a “husband”.

That puts proof into the statement that PT had stated. If you go into something a certain way, that way will continue. When you go into a relationship and decide to go into a marriage but have no intention of changing your ways to suit the relationship then what exactly are you doing besides robbing the other person of something that could be great for them?

I’m not saying I was the perfect wife. Not at all. I had my own issues to deal with. But I did try everything I could — while dealing with my own crap — to help him the best way I could. I offered advice. I offered suggestions. I gave him his space. But none of it was enough. Nothing I said stuck to him at all because he didn’t want my help. All he did was play victim and talk down to me.

Good God, this has turned into like a fuckin academic analysis paper.

While my marriage was an awful experience it did help me grow. It sure did teach me A LOT about myself. Things I was too afraid to face. Things I was too scared to even attempt to overcome. It pushed me to better myself and I found a road to recovery.

But a part of me does wish I never had to experience it. That I could still be blissfully unaware of the downside of marriage and divorce. That I wouldn’t be so jaded or hesitant. That I would still have these good thoughts and ideas when it came to marriage and forever instead of thinking that I’m doomed forever.

But it might also be because the pain is still fresh. Get back to me next year, I’m sure I’ll have my head screwed on a little bit better then.