Reflecting

On past birthdays…

It’s my birthday week.

And though I’m not turning a significant age I thought I’d look back on all my past birthdays. As a reminder, if you will.

I’m a little sad I’m not going on vacation or doing anything epic this year for my birthday. I am going on foodie adventures through out the DFW area though which I am REALLY REALLY excited about especially since there’s a few places I’ve really wanted to try since I moved here!

But I was thinking the other day and this morning; I had mentioned to Bubba I never look forward to my birthday. Like ever. And though I’ve had traditions that I’ve held on pretty tightly to through out the years I wonder, really, how do I FEEL about my birthday?

Continue reading “On past birthdays…”

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Recap

Weekly Recap; April 1st – April 8th

I got to upgrade to an iPhone 8 (WITH 200+ GIGS OF MEMORY BOIIII) from an iPhone 6S. It’s taking me a bit of time to get use to it. I keep forgetting both sides of the phone are glass. Thus making it slip off of things even more easily.

When I handed the guy my phone at Verizon he took it from me, looked at it and said: “Do you not believe in phone cases or have something against them?” I’ve NEVER had a case on my phone ever since getting the iPhone 4. I had an Otterbox once that broke (and I never even dropped it so how the hell…) and I had a Snow White case when we moved to Disney the second time. But other than that, I DONT have a case on my phone.

I’m not gonna say I NEVER dropped it cause I do, sometimes frequently but even if it lands face down on hardwood floor I have NEVER broken my screen. The only damages I’ve done to my phone was probably water damage. Like, the first iPhone I ever got. But since then I’ve had a pretty good track record of keeping it in mint condition even without a case.

It worries me a little bit that this phone is glass on both sides. But I still don’t have a case, even though Bubba keeps insisting I get one. It’s my OCD, it doesn’t like cases on my phone (or anyone’s phone to be honest) so it makes it hard to find one that my OCD is okay with.

Continue reading “Weekly Recap; April 1st – April 8th”

Recap

Weekly Recap; Jan 28th – Feb 3rd

One month down… did I accomplish all that I wanted this month? Sorta.

I’m starting to get the hang of things and getting back into the swing of things which regardless of what I did and didn’t get done is still a huge step for me, I’m starting to feel a little less overwhelmed with the idea of updating several instagrams and blogs and slowly, SLOWLY, I’m starting to feel like the old me. I also managed to read the 3 books I needed to read within the month to stay on track with my Goodreads goal. Which is great.

Continue reading “Weekly Recap; Jan 28th – Feb 3rd”

Hello, Reflecting

Hello Spring \o/

Shut ya mouth, it’s Spring.

There was a Silverfish spotted on my wall — IT’S SPRING.

I’ve been sneezing my ass off for weeks — IT’S SPRING.

Bitch it ain’t 11° every night here in Texas — IT’S SPRING.

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Also Valentine’s Day is rolling up way too fast! I have SOME blog posts in the works and SOME I’ve thought of writing but I definitely don’t have 14 of them hoes and I need to. Wtf was I doing all end of January. Oh. Stressing, that’s what. Pffft.

Continue reading “Hello Spring \o/”

Recap

Weekly Recap; Jan 7th – Jan 13th

It’s the second week of the year, already.

I still can’t believe it’s 2018! My goals are still kind of all over the place but Bubba keeps reminding me that January is a “trial run” month but still holds me accountable for the goals I do have set in place.

So every week I have to create something; this week it was suppose to be a YouTube video. I don’t know why filming is so hard for me lately, but also the sun is barely out since it’s been 19*-38* the last few weeks. It’s been COLD here lately! A cold that I’m not entirely use to.

I can’t remember exactly what went on this week — which is why I do these recaps!

Continue reading “Weekly Recap; Jan 7th – Jan 13th”

Hello, Reflecting

Today was suppose to be your announcement…

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Today was suppose to be the happiest day for me; it was suppose to be the day I announced your life.

Which won’t happen.

I have counted down to this day since I found out I was pregnant on November 12th. I stopped counting Sunday’s once it hit 12 weeks. There’s nothing left to countdown to.

I don’t even know why I’m blogging; I wanted to say something but now that I have this open I don’t know what to say — what would I say to you if you were still here? Would the things I want to say still apply? No, they wouldn’t.

I keep crying about the fact that you’re gone, that we never even got the chance to see you or hear your heartbeat. I mourn the fact that you were the easiest pregnancy I’ve had and I’m heartbroken to not be able to see what kind of person you ended up being. Or not seeing what you’d look like, or who you’d look like more.

I mourn the fact that me and you daddy spent months even before you were here talking about who you’d be, what you’d like. We talked about what would be the first book we’d read to you. What would be the first Disney movie we’d have you watch. What kind of Disney vacations we’d have with you. Holidays. Birthday’s. We talked about almost all of it. And when you got here we were so excited about you and we were so happy to have you here.

And it sucks that the choice to keep you sometimes isn’t up to us. That sometimes blessings don’t stay. Things and people we wait for get lost.

I’ll always mourn that you’re gone and I never even got to see you. Despite your daddy constantly reminding me you’re not gone — not even a little bit. He helps me keep the memory of you alive. I wish you could had met your daddy, he loved you long before you got here and he waited for you.

We’ll always miss you. Always. And we’ll always keep you with us. Always.

~*~

Loss is a part of life, blessings are too.

Physically I’m feeling a lot better, but at my last appointment they told me that a pregnancy test can still come up positive for up to a month after a miscarriage so I’ll have to go back next month to take a follow up test even though they tested the “clot” I had brought in and confirmed it did have traces of a fetus.

I hate that there’s no REAL reason why miscarriage happens, how I was so close to being able to announce my pregnancy and be out of the miscarriage woods. I. Was. So. Close. I know that even after the 12 weeks you’re still able to miscarry or lose the baby for various reasons and I never understood why TV and movies and thots down the street make it look SO easy to just pop out babies. Then there’s the rest of us who have to struggle and wonder and endure loss who actually want the kids. And it seems a little bit unfair. Almost cruel the universe would make something this heartbreaking possible. At any moment. When you least expect it almost.

I’m sad for the fact I lost her on Christmas. Literally ON Christmas. I’m sad for the panic I felt and had to set it aside because it was Christmas. I’m sad to everyone else she doesn’t even exist. It almost makes it feel like my pain and mourning shouldn’t exist. Suffering in silence is something I hate with a passion.

I’m sure as time goes I’ll come to terms with it a bit better and I know we’ll always keep her in our memory and in our thoughts.

Losing something that was literally a part of you and losing something you were literally caring for within yourself is such a hard loss to face and I suppose I never realized just how hard of a loss until we lost her. I always thought pregnancy was gross and I still do — the baby kicking part and all of that — but there’s also something incredibly magical and something about it that makes you feel the words “home” and “family” personified.

I’m lucky to have someone as positive and as strong and level headed as Bubba be her father and my partner in my life. I’m so lucky to have his endless support. He’s been my bubble and my rock since all of this happened and I know he will continue to be for as long as I need him to be and for as long as I need to mourn the loss of our baby.

We will be okay, we will heal and we will never forget her.