Reflecting

For 12 years, I waited…

I took a Disney solo trip yesterday, the first time in two years! It’s crazy to notice how much my life has changed in the last two years, in the last 3 years, in the last 4 years. And how quickly and vastly it changed too.

I was walking through Tomorrowland in Magic Kingdom to get to Main Street so I could find a good spot for the Festival of Fantasy parade.

And as I was walking through Tomorrowland and passing the race cars, then the bathrooms, then the ice cream shop, making my way around People Mover (which I wanted to get on but I didn’t want to risk missing the parade), passing Buzz then Monster’s Laugh Floor I got hit with random memories.

In 2011 when myself and my then husband first did our Disney College Program he was put in Tomorrowland which at the time I thought was funny because right before our program I finally got around to watching Toy Story and fell in love with Buzz Lightyear. How ironic he was working that attraction. During his training he was with two girls — Allison and Zafi. Zafi seemed to have a crush on him from day one whereas him and Allison “naturally” just didn’t like each other. After their training was over the next thing I knew they were best friends and weeks after that going on best friend dates, whatever the fuck that even is.

Call me crazy but how could you possibly be best friends with a girl you hated just less than a month ago that you barely know? Maybe it’s just me but if I’m married to someone, I better be your only female best friend (besides if you’ve had one since you were a kid, that’s different. But no new bitches)! Every group of interns had a dance at the end of their program, I’ve always been insecure (or I was, I’m not anymore) about wearing dresses but a friend of mine went dress shopping with me for this dance. Everyone told me how cute I looked… everyone but my husband who didn’t say anything. Yet the next night after the dance I found text messages of him messaging Allison about how beautiful she looked or how pretty she was through out the week or how her hugs made him so happy he didn’t want to let go.

Clearly after finding shit like that you’d be curious to know what the FUCK is going on. Though he assured me nothing was going on as they kept going on “best friend dates”. They often took midnight trips to Wal-Mart, alone. There were rumors going on about them and one of his friends — Amy had dropped some info on my lap at one point. He found out I had been talking to Amy and got mad at me. That began the whole “I don’t want you coming to see me at work” and “I don’t want you talking to any of my friends”. So I was a bit banned from Tomorrowland, any time I would stop by when I was in Magic Kingdom just to say hi he would get angry. I often left heartbroken and sad; but one thing that always stopped me in my tracks was Wishes, the fireworks show. I would be on my way out as quickly as I could but Wishes always stopped me. I’d stand on Main Street and watch it until it was over.

Even years later and many girls of the same situation later; when I moved behind Magic Kingdom, the nights he’d leave me alone to hang out with yet another girl I wasn’t allowed to meet ever, I’d sit in front of my apartment on the curb and watch Wishes (without the music, but it was still just as magical).


For 12 years I waited for him to be a husband, considering he’s the one who wanted to get married in the first place. Not me.

For 12 years I waited for him to defend me against his family who would talk crap that didn’t make sense about me, but he never did.

For 12 years I waited for him to defend me against one of his hoes who had something bad to say about me, but he never did.

For 12 years I waited for that fairytale element of marriage where you’re in bed together at the end of the day talking about your day, it never happened.

For 12 years I waited for him to say, “hey, I know you’re stressed from school and work let me take you out to dinner”, but he never did.

For 12 years I waited for him to… I don’t even know. But waiting for 12 years for things that were never going to happen was 12 years too long.

Everything that went wrong was naturally my fault. Everyone who had something bad to say about me I deserved it.

Things only got worse from Allison, maybe I’ll write about the others another day. But for now, I just needed to get this off of me.

I’m mad about the things that happened, the things that went on, the things that kept going on, the fact he couldn’t man up and apologize, at the way I was treated and how situations were handled. I knew I deserved MORE and BETTER than that and yet I stayed. I stayed because I was scared. Scared I would never find a bond like the one I had with him. So I stayed, and kept getting pushed to the side for other people.

And now, years later, I wonder why. Why did I think I would never find a bond like the one I had with him? Why did I think that was as good as I was gonna get? That’s such an insane thought. There are 7 billion people in this world, who is he in the sea all of them?

And now, years later I’ve found someone who I have an even stronger bond with, a bond I didn’t think was even real. And for almost a year he’s helped me through every step of every single healing process that’s come up.

Reflecting

Do you feel like a man, when you push her around?

Today last year was Easter.

I have a super private “blog” app I keep on my phone that I only write in when either something makes me incredibly sad or angry. I hardly post any happy things in there but lately I have been. So there’s been more happy posts and happy screenshots going on. I have a tendency to go back and read these posts as a I wonder what I was doing one year ago today thing. I did this a lot with my LiveJournal’s back in the day too.

Nick had said we’d go to Disney; it has been a thing I do — spend Easter at Disney. But the night before he had stayed up late gaming with his friends like stayed up till 7am gaming as he had been the whole week and weeks before that. Knowing his pattern, him sleeping that late meant he wasn’t going to get up until 3pm the next day and no matter how I asked he wouldn’t put that into consideration.

So when Easter Day came around I was obviously pretty pissed off about it. I remember being upset and tired of this shit — I hate empty promises and I hate liars. It was pretty much a month and a half of pent up irritation.

He walked over, grabbed me and slammed me into the couch pinning me down screaming at me to quit acting like a child. No matter how hard I tried to kick him or if I tried to push him off he would just tighten his grip and keep screaming at me. It gave me a massive panic attack that he told me to get over.

Continue reading “Do you feel like a man, when you push her around?”

Hello

Weekly Recap; March 12th – 18th

I should post more than just Weekly Recap’s here but sometimes I just don’t know what to say. Daily blogging use to be my thing, my release, my therapy. Even if I had nothing to say, I’d just talk. Maybe I should do that again, it helped me a lot when I was growing up to deal with my problems and find answers or to help me understand that some things just don’t have answers.

This week wasn’t all that eventful; I didn’t leave the house for one. I don’t want to be tempted to spend money since Bubba and I have a big vacation planned coming up (and quick)! So I’ve just been handling some stuff with the new place, bills, trying to some how get ready for the move and figure out how social media works (cause it’s a never ending learning experience).

I’m a bit of a blind box addict (thanks Disney World job and D-Street and Vinylmations!) and that Hopper up there is something I’ve been chasing for about if not over a year now. I’ve gotten pretty much everyone in that collection about 2 or 3 times EXCEPT FOR HOPPER. I don’t know why! But it’s definitely driven me crazy once or twice. When I was in Texas and I told Bubba about this he immediately searched for it on Amazon and had it shipped to me! I finally got him and I couldn’t be happier! Hopper means a lot to me because my last job at Disney was at Animal Kingdom in The Tree of Life with the It’s Tough To Be a Bug show and Hopper was always my favorite part of the show. Every morning when we would make sure everything was good before opening I’d always be so excited to see him and the days when Hopper wasn’t working were very sad and boring work days!

I also got the package that Bubba sent that was the stuff I couldn’t pack in my luggage when I got home — this boy. He spoils me so much that I actually have to ship a box back home every time I see him. SIGH. But every single thing he gets me is something thoughtful. I forgot I had put my Tsum Tsum Pastel Parade’s in there so I was super excited to see them again… and also the Hot Cheetos with Lime that were lining the box. And the World of Final Fantasy guide. And my Beauty and the Beast music box. And BATB plushies. I didn’t take pic of all that was in there but I should had! Maybe piece by piece I will :).

Continue reading “Weekly Recap; March 12th – 18th”

Hello, Travel

Weekly Recap; March 5th – 12th

I’m sleepy. I’ve been sleepy all week. Wth.

Why is everything formatted to the right? Dammit WordPress, if something’s not broken why fix it?!

Now I feel like everything’s backwards.

I’m a little annoyed; Sophie pooped behind the table. So since I was cleaning that shit up I decided to just clean more stuff because why not, I’m already here. I still need to mop my bathroom though, and I will, after I write this post — if I ever finish it.

I’m gonna start with last Sunday (damn it’s been a week already?!); I was in Texas apartment hunting last weekend and I got there on Friday and left on Monday, I’m not gonna recap my whole trip in this post. I already did on my lifestyle blog hazearella and I might do one here, you know, just for me.

But we had brunch at Nerdvana, a cute chic cafe with video games scattered around. It’s in Frisco, TX in case you’re wondering. Our booth had a Super Nintendo with Mario Kart. I realized how shitty I am at playing MK now that I’m use to a joystick and not a d-pad. We kept falling off the stage, Bubba did much better than I did though lol. I had the Crab Cake Benedict and he had The Chicken Melt; both were really good. Maybe some day we’ll actually go for dinner and I’ll try one of their potions (how cute are the things they name their stuff?).

Continue reading “Weekly Recap; March 5th – 12th”

Marriage, Reflecting

Every little thing you do got me feeling some type of way…

 

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The beginning of everything

I always wondered how I never knew when I met you that you would mean so much to me worked. I mean yeah, I met people who ended up meaning a lot to me friendship-wise but romantically, I never really understood that. Normally when I meet someone I can tell almost immediately if they’ll be important to me or not.

This guy however, was a complete and utter mystery to me. A friend of mine pushed me to meet him for a pretty long while before I actually gave in to. I was in a pretty bad place at the time and I wasn’t up for meeting anyone.

Continue reading “Every little thing you do got me feeling some type of way…”

Reflecting

WEEKLY RECAP | JAN 15-21 2017

Do I go out every Saturday? This is starting to look like a trend…

Let’s see how this passed week ended up! Shall we?

It started with lots of Sophie hugs. I love how she’ll wrap her tail around my leg, do her little feet shuffle and look up at me. Gah I love this little girl so much! I decided to burn the rest of my Limoncello Poptail candle since it was pretty much almost gone anyway. I love this candle, I don’t even remember buying it but I’m glad I did! The American Home Lemon Cupcake candle was a disappointment with its non existent scent throw so I did the Wal-Mart wax melts inside my Yankee Candle tart warmer (seriously my favorite thing to do — I wish YC would sell empty plastic cups so I wouldn’t have to empty them myself) and this combo is seriously lemon heaven. Mm! I can’t get enough! Also, a house fly decided to die in my freshly made bubble bath… again. This is getting old guys, just stop.

 

I spent one of the days getting BurgerFi (it’s been awhile) which I loveeee. I got my burger wrapped in lettuce like I normally do, a “cry and fry” I hate onion rings normally but I love theirs! And their fries! With a root beer float. Their frozen custard is SO good. I wish I lived closer to one like I use to so I could just pop in for some frozen custard. My Uber driver there was this sweet older lady who I had so much fun talking to! After BurgerFi I headed over to Walgreens since I needed to restock on my disinfectant’s (I prefer Walgreens brand because they’re cheaper and they don’t have harsh chemicals like Lysol does that dry out and fuck up my hands). I also scouted the makeup to see what’s new which was A LOT of Wet N’ Wild and some Jordana liquid lippies. I picked up one, I shoulda picked up more… they were only $5 and the colors were so hard to pick from! They didn’t have my Essie polish I was looking for… booo. It’s probs better that way though. Then I walked over to Publix (it was such a pretty day out and that plaza is one of my favs that I don’t go to enough, I should though!) where I found out I hit 94 pounds… without the excessive kickboxing class. Huh. Maybe that whole you-gain-weight-when-you-age thing is catching up to me? Who knows. All I know is that it’s starting to cause tummy pudge and I need to do crunches and start running again… both of which I hate. But they work. I found the whole set of my green apple shampoo at Publix, hooray! I love this scent but I can’t find it anywhere else but Publix! So weird…

Continue reading “WEEKLY RECAP | JAN 15-21 2017”

Hello, Reflecting

30days

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How did it go from 40-something days to just thirty?

One month.

In 30 days I’ll be in another state probably freaking the hell out.

I’m sure freaking the hell out.

104% sure I’ll be freaking the hell out.

So 30 days from now I can look back on this blog post and remind myself that you were sitting in your room, listening to Congratulations by Ne-Yo, thinking of spraying down your closet with body spray — again, taking a break from NaNoWriMo, freaking out.

I hope you’re having fun future Hazel, just sayin.

Maybe I should start at the beginning?

One day I met a boy.

And he was all over the place.

Literally.

He was dropped into my life 2 days after a very traumatic situation and 1 day after getting my heart broken.

But he made me laugh.

And after spending a little bit of time with him and taking screen shots (the one where my character is wearing pink is still one of my favorite screen shots we’ve ever taken — and it was the day I asked if he had a mat I needed for something I wanted so he came and found me while I was fishing and decided to hang out with me for awhile, after that we just kept hanging out) we kinda just clicked. I added him on Facebook and started a poke war to get his attention, though I’m starting to think that getting his attention wouldn’t had been as hard as I thought it would be.

He’s totally random. He busts out singing randomly. Everything from slow jams to Disney songs to Wicked. He wants to know everything I’m thinking. He wants to know how anxiety and depression works and how it impacts me and what he can do to help. He wants to know what my life was like. He wants to know what my day was like. He wants to know what makes me laugh and what makes me mad. He sings to me at night. He spoils me every chance he gets. He makes sure I go to bed feeling loved and laughing, every single night, for the last 5 months. He wakes me up every single morning with “good morning beautiful”. He proposed to and married me in FFXIV. He calls me his wife in real life. He constantly tells me he’s proud of me (even though he also tells me I can’t do something knowing it’ll make me mad and push me to do it). He reminds me when I need to get certain things done. He pushes me to blog, vlog and read. He cheers me on. He watches movies and reality tv with me. He listens to me rant and rave. He tries to make sense of my nonsense. He’s constantly looking at me with what he calls “I need you” eyes. He’s my best friend and I don’t know what I would do without him.

He came out of nowhere and just fell into my life on a total whim.

And my life hasn’t been the same since.

I haven’t been the same.

And I kinda like where this is going.