Recap

Weekly Recap; May 20th – May 26th

I’m actually writing this on May 30th, since Bubba had a 3 day weekend but for the sake of NOT confusing myself next week we’ll pretend I wrote this on the 27th.

This week has been… emotionally draining. I like to pride myself on not being a jealous person or a psycho when it comes to relationships because I know how self toxic that can be; there are some things that bother me and I always struggle with I didn’t grow up with Bubba so I don’t know who Bubba was before he met me. I know about his life, but I wasn’t there to witness it and that’s something that I knew would somehow someway bother me when I got divorced; I watched my ex husband grow up. I watched him turn into who he is now. I know all his dirty little secrets that no one else will ever know.

Continue reading “Weekly Recap; May 20th – May 26th”

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Hello, Reflecting

Easter 2016

I literally don’t know why I’m getting anxiety just thinking about writing this blog post. I feel like my blood has run cold and all my nerves are on alert.

I guess just thinking of this day still makes me cringe.

Traditions are very important to me. And I created traditions for myself to enjoy the things I like in life, to have things to look forward to. Because when your life is lonely and your mind can be your greatest enemy the best way to combat that is to have something to look forward to. To have bits of this life that excite you.

Two years ago I lived in Lake Mary, Florida. I moved away from Orlando and it was the biggest and dumbest move I ever made. I was told by the guy I was dating at the time that I wouldn’t be that far from Orlando or Disney and we would be able to go any time.

That was a lie.

I had to fight with him for a week to get to Disney and even when we finally DID go, he would be miserable the whole time and want to leave as soon as we got there. We were an hour away, maybe less. But hell he’d get upset if I said I wanted to go to Krispy Kreme which was ten minutes away. He was the type to expect you to go/do everything HE wanted to do without question yet when I wanted to do the things I’ve ALWAYS done he’d throw a fit and trap me in the house. This was a big thing of his btw, trapping me. I didn’t really notice it until I moved to Lake Mary.

Two year ago today was Easter.

I normally spent Easter at Disney and I had brought up this months before to which he said was fine, we could spend Easter there since he had no real plans. But the day before was saying all of a sudden we couldn’t go and I HAD to go with him to his grandparents house. His grandparents house were we spent EVERY OTHER FUCKIN DAY doing NOTHING but staring at the wall, literally. Not to mention my cousin who I hadn’t seen in year since I moved away from California was going to be in Tampa and he had ZERO interest in seeing her or meeting her — in fact he had zero interest in meeting ANY of my family members including my parents.

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The morning of, he did what he always did.

He firmly stated we WEREN’T going to Disney. Demanded I get dressed and get ready to go with him to his grandparent’s house.

I refused.

I was tired of him gas lighting me. I was tired of him promising to do something then last minute going back on his word then picking a fight with me to shut me up when I’d call him out on it. I was tired of his shit.

So I said no. I wasn’t going. I wasn’t leaving the house if we weren’t going to Disney. That I’m sick of him lying to me.

He walked over to the computer desk where I was sitting.

He picked me up by my throat.

Then he SLAMMED me on the couch wrapping his hands around my throat and screaming at me asking if “I was done acting like a child.” I tried kicking him in his gut, in his face, anywhere to get him off of me. I was screaming for him to get off of me. To let me go. He kept screaming “No. Not until you stop acting like a child.” That was his reason for everything when shit like this happened was the one acting like a child.

He finally let go.

Then he did what he always did afterwards, he sat CALMLY like a fuckin psycho telling me that if I kept acting like this we wouldn’t last for much longer. To which I replied, “put your hands on me again and I promise we won’t.” he laughed. He fuckin laughed. Then patted my shoulder and told me to have a nice day before leaving the house.

I wanted to burn the apartment to the ground.

I stayed in my room with the door locked hiding in my closet and cried for hours. I stayed quiet. I listened for when he’d come back. I made sure I was in bed and ‘asleep’ by the time he came back. I hated being scared. I hated myself. I hated Easter. He ruined my favorite holiday without so much as a fuckin care. I was heartbroken.

Then he had the nerve to come home and hug me like he didn’t just put his hands on me. Claiming he didn’t slam me that hard and to quit acting like a baby. As if slamming your girlfriend anywhere for any reason was fuckin normal. Then went on to claim that I needed his money when he blew all his money on comic book and Hot Wheels.

He didn’t pay rent. He didn’t pay bills. He didn’t pay electric or internet. He didn’t even pay for his own gas or food. He literally didn’t pay for shit. I laughed when he said I needed his money. I never needed his money or him. But in his delusional mind he really thought he was doing some shit for the ‘household’ when he didn’t do shit. He didn’t even pay for the Netflix or Hulu he was fuckin using. And when I would remind him of rent he would again fight with me and the cycle started all over again.

This day however was the first time he picked me up and slammed me. Through out our relationship he would do it again. And again.

And no matter how hard I tired to kick him out. Or break up with him he just wouldn’t get the fuckin hint. He would ignore me. If I could had afforded to change the locks on the apartment and leave all his shit outside I would had. But I had nowhere to go, nowhere to hide and no one to turn to. I was stranded in a city an hour away from anyone I knew. And it was definitely scary.

I refused to let this day take away my love for Easter. But every time it comes up, it just hurts to think someone out there thought this was okay.

~*~

I’m thankful I’m out of that relationship. I’m thankful I’m away from all that toxic energy and I’m somewhere far away from there and safe. And around someone who goes above and beyond these days to make sure every holiday is one I’ll love.

Reflecting

On things other people have said/done…

I always wonder why would someone disregard someone else’s wishes to break up. Why would someone destroy someone without even batting an eyelash, and still have the ability to sleep cozy at night in the next room and DARE to blame the other person when they decide enough is enough and want to leave.

Why bring around toxic ass shit and wonder why the other person is hurting only to kick them when you’ve already pushed them off a damn cliff and NOT let them LEAVE?

I never understood why or how someone could drag someone down even lower despite all the shit they’ve already done and said over and over again.

While these people who do nothing but tear others down are free to skip off and find someone else to go tear down and leave the previous person in a pile of broken mess.

Continue reading “On things other people have said/done…”

Hello, Reflecting

Today was suppose to be your announcement…

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Today was suppose to be the happiest day for me; it was suppose to be the day I announced your life.

Which won’t happen.

I have counted down to this day since I found out I was pregnant on November 12th. I stopped counting Sunday’s once it hit 12 weeks. There’s nothing left to countdown to.

I don’t even know why I’m blogging; I wanted to say something but now that I have this open I don’t know what to say — what would I say to you if you were still here? Would the things I want to say still apply? No, they wouldn’t.

I keep crying about the fact that you’re gone, that we never even got the chance to see you or hear your heartbeat. I mourn the fact that you were the easiest pregnancy I’ve had and I’m heartbroken to not be able to see what kind of person you ended up being. Or not seeing what you’d look like, or who you’d look like more.

I mourn the fact that me and you daddy spent months even before you were here talking about who you’d be, what you’d like. We talked about what would be the first book we’d read to you. What would be the first Disney movie we’d have you watch. What kind of Disney vacations we’d have with you. Holidays. Birthday’s. We talked about almost all of it. And when you got here we were so excited about you and we were so happy to have you here.

And it sucks that the choice to keep you sometimes isn’t up to us. That sometimes blessings don’t stay. Things and people we wait for get lost.

I’ll always mourn that you’re gone and I never even got to see you. Despite your daddy constantly reminding me you’re not gone — not even a little bit. He helps me keep the memory of you alive. I wish you could had met your daddy, he loved you long before you got here and he waited for you.

We’ll always miss you. Always. And we’ll always keep you with us. Always.

~*~

Loss is a part of life, blessings are too.

Physically I’m feeling a lot better, but at my last appointment they told me that a pregnancy test can still come up positive for up to a month after a miscarriage so I’ll have to go back next month to take a follow up test even though they tested the “clot” I had brought in and confirmed it did have traces of a fetus.

I hate that there’s no REAL reason why miscarriage happens, how I was so close to being able to announce my pregnancy and be out of the miscarriage woods. I. Was. So. Close. I know that even after the 12 weeks you’re still able to miscarry or lose the baby for various reasons and I never understood why TV and movies and thots down the street make it look SO easy to just pop out babies. Then there’s the rest of us who have to struggle and wonder and endure loss who actually want the kids. And it seems a little bit unfair. Almost cruel the universe would make something this heartbreaking possible. At any moment. When you least expect it almost.

I’m sad for the fact I lost her on Christmas. Literally ON Christmas. I’m sad for the panic I felt and had to set it aside because it was Christmas. I’m sad to everyone else she doesn’t even exist. It almost makes it feel like my pain and mourning shouldn’t exist. Suffering in silence is something I hate with a passion.

I’m sure as time goes I’ll come to terms with it a bit better and I know we’ll always keep her in our memory and in our thoughts.

Losing something that was literally a part of you and losing something you were literally caring for within yourself is such a hard loss to face and I suppose I never realized just how hard of a loss until we lost her. I always thought pregnancy was gross and I still do — the baby kicking part and all of that — but there’s also something incredibly magical and something about it that makes you feel the words “home” and “family” personified.

I’m lucky to have someone as positive and as strong and level headed as Bubba be her father and my partner in my life. I’m so lucky to have his endless support. He’s been my bubble and my rock since all of this happened and I know he will continue to be for as long as I need him to be and for as long as I need to mourn the loss of our baby.

We will be okay, we will heal and we will never forget her.

Recap

The Hardest Goodbye ; would had been 11 weeks tomorrow…

This blog as always been around as more of a place for me to archive my life. As someone who personally blogged since 1999, it’s somewhat of a habit. Although I don’t blog every single day like I use to, I try to blog when I can/remember to/have something to say/have something to remember.

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Then there were 4, but now there are just 3…

 

Continue reading “The Hardest Goodbye ; would had been 11 weeks tomorrow…”

Reflecting

Sometimes I really hate iPhones

It all started when my iPhone force updated; I personally hate doing iPhone updates. For one, I barely ever have any memory because I hoard photos, screenshots and videos like no ones business. Which makes my life difficult in general since I use my phone for pretty much everything — social media, taking product shots, vlogging and editing my videos. So to add on iPhone constantly asking me if I want to update… well it just irritates me. I hit “remind me later” for like months. I pretty much don’t update my iSO until I upgrade my phone lol!

So it force upgraded one night which freaked me the hell out cause it did the whole “Welcome!” “Set up your iPhone!” bitch what? My iPhone is already set up! Thankfully after that screen was gone all was well. Nothing was deleted, nothing was missing. Whew.

Then the other day it asks me if I want to import my photos to my cloud. Normally when I get a new phone I start it as a new phone just to keep my photos organized. I always answer this question wrong for some reason. So I hit yes.

Well… it decided to download every picture on my cloud since 2013 on my current phone. ALL FUCKIN 23K OF THEM. Yup. So my phone was madd heating up and constantly binging with the “error, you have no more memory” shit again. I decided to reverse this awful idea and in the process I LOST ALL MY PICS FROM AUGUST AND SEPTEMBER but somehow it kept my favs from 2013? Fuckin really?!

I literally don’t understand the optimize feature for photos when it comes to the iPhones and the folders when I go in to transfer them to my laptop are confusing as hell (some folders have ONE PHOTO IN IT, why. Just why.) and I never know how to fix it.

So here I am, with a whole month and a half worth of photos missing, other photos scattered and other photos from 2013 on my device.

WHY ISNT THERE AN OPTION TO JUST KEEP THE PHOTOS I TOOK ON THIS PHONE ON THIS PHONE.

So yeah, I’m pretty stressed out right now.

I think once it hits October I’m going to just wipe my phone and redo everything cause this shit is a mess. And I wanna just cry.

OCD probs.

Fuckin sucks.