sad

Do you feel like a man, when you push her around?

Today last year was Easter.

I have a super private “blog” app I keep on my phone that I only write in when either something makes me incredibly sad or angry. I hardly post any happy things in there but lately I have been. So there’s been more happy posts and happy screenshots going on. I have a tendency to go back and read these posts as a I wonder what I was doing one year ago today thing. I did this a lot with my LiveJournal’s back in the day too.

Nick had said we’d go to Disney; it has been a thing I do — spend Easter at Disney. But the night before he had stayed up late gaming with his friends like stayed up till 7am gaming as he had been the whole week and weeks before that. Knowing his pattern, him sleeping that late meant he wasn’t going to get up until 3pm the next day and no matter how I asked he wouldn’t put that into consideration.

So when Easter Day came around I was obviously pretty pissed off about it. I remember being upset and tired of this shit — I hate empty promises and I hate liars. It was pretty much a month and a half of pent up irritation.

He walked over, grabbed me and slammed me into the couch pinning me down screaming at me to quit acting like a child. No matter how hard I tried to kick him or if I tried to push him off he would just tighten his grip and keep screaming at me. It gave me a massive panic attack that he told me to get over.

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Shopping && Sprint

So the other day, something happened that kinda made me sad. It was the kind of sad where M kinda sensed it and as soon as it was over, he pulled me off the laptop to lay with him and tell him about it. There are advantages and disadvantages when your husband can tell what you’re feeling and there’s no sense in lying.

So yesterday he took me out. I paid some bills and I did a little shopping. We stopped by the mall and I got an Animation 2 Vinylmation (Kim Possible… again! Ugh!) and a cute Snow White tanktop. Went and exchanged my candle at Bath & Body Works (love their return policy) and grabbed the 3 new Honey infused lip balms (tried Honey Strawberry so far and it’s mehh). Then we headed over to one of my favorite plaza’s for project cardigan lol!

We went into F21 first and I spotted this really really cute blue ruffled dress I really wanted. But M decided against it. I hate when he decides against clothes I really really want. But most of the time when he says something isn’t right for me, he’s usually, 100% right. But I will have that dress!! lol. So we moved on. Didn’t find anything I wanted in Sephora (I know, shocking right? Maybe I should say I didn’t find anything I wanted to spend my money on). Got 2 other candles from Bath & Body Works here because they had 2 scents the mall didn’t have (whats up with that)! M got me a root beer float to make me feel better (aww, loves) and took a quick look at MAC. Headed over to H&M and I found my cardigan!! I’m so excited!! I also got this cute set of nail polish (:

After shopping, we headed over to Target to get some snacks and I needed to get a pillow, but they were lacking in the pillow department lol. Headed over to Bed Bath & Beyond to exchange a Lip Butter for a nail polish, decided on another Lip Butter just because… I dunno, I have my perfect red… I don’t need another one! But you can’t have too much nail polish (: then headed to Michaels and I found SMASH BOOKS!!! They’re like, scrapbooks sorta. I don’t know exactly how else to describe them but I got one to match up with my food blog. It’ll be fun! I’m tempted to tidy this room a little and get some pretty fake spring flowers and make a cute little display out of them. We’ll see.

I’m so excited for spring! And Easter!

Headed home, pooped (:

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Uninspired…

I made a deal with my homeboy a few nights ago. He complained about how he can’t find the time/motivation to start sketching again and I of course complained about writing. So I made him a deal, for every meaningful blog post I post, he’ll have to sketch. I don’t think this entry will count, but the one after this, with my Valentines Day pics will.

Most of the time, around the New Year, I go crazy with making lists and prepping for the year (of what I  fantasize about doing) and I get all inspired and motivated and excited… but this year, that wasn’t the case. I didn’t really make a list and there wasn’t really anything I was excited about.

This depresses me.

I’m the type of person who likes to plan things. Who likes to make lists. Who likes something to look forward to. And without that, I feel so… lost. I feel empty. And I don’t know how to fill this void. It’s been really starting to frustrate and stress me out these last few weeks and while I’m browsing all of these inspiring blogs, making lists of blog posts I could write, I feel like I’m missing something. And I don’t know what it is.

Today was suppose to be spent relaxing. I was in pain the whole weekend and I’m finally starting to feel better, but I still wanted to take it easy today. I already finished two loads of laundry (why is laundry during the day — in an empty house — relaxing but at night it’s just hell?) and I have to do another one later tonight. I’m thinking of sorting/tidying the room up.  I wish I could decorate it and fix it up like I want to, but I don’t know. That seems like an awful lot of work to be doing, to be honest. But I’m sure it’s playing a part in my un-inspired state.

Started reading a “scary” book this morning, I think I’ll reserve it for “day reading” since I scared pretty easily lol. My reading goal is up to date (according to Goodreads) so thank goodness for that! I’m slowly crawling out of this reading funk. Slowly. Taking baby steps. Don’t want to fall back in. I’m just tried of the same ol’ plot and the same dreary characters in YA but I’m a bit hesitant to dabble into chick lit. But who knows, I might actually enjoy it! I might pick something chick lit-ish out tonight to try.