SPiNNiNG: Best Thing I Never Had by Beyonce
That dreaded D word.
All the emotions. All the memories. Traditions. Favorites. Usual’s. Memories. Plans. Promises.
It’s like you’re standing in this world all alone. No one knows what the hell you’re thinking because they weren’t part of that memory and the only person who was wants nothing to do with you and you want nothing to do with them.
It’s been six months and I keep still thinking. That one day I’ll see him at Hollywood Studios. I’ll see him when I get home to Cali and we’ll take our usual stroll through our favorite plaza in Napa. And it’ll be like nothing changed, my best friend, he’ll be there. With those dimples. Those dimples that use to be mine. With that damn smile. That damn laugh. That damn humor. Making up songs about his suggie. About his bo. We’ll stroll through our usual route through San Francisco.
But none of that is true. He might as well be dead. Because he’s never coming back. He probably was never even real, thinking back on it.
So I do what I usually do during a hard break up — I drown myself. In hobbies. Things to do. Projects. Books. Challenges. Video Games. Homework. Work. Anything I can get my hands on. Sick or not. I get shit done because I have to. For the sake of my sanity, I have to.
And I think the hardest part — besides watching the one person who knew you better than anyone turn into someone you don’t even know anymore — is doing these things, accomplishing these things, deciding to make these new moves and not having someone to tell.
I finished the book Cinder not too long ago. I had no one to tell. No one knows the history of me and Cinder. The Mortal Instruments series went through some changes. I had no one to tell. I adopted a kitten and named him Archer to go with my Sophie. No one got it. Why would they? They didn’t read Hex Hall. They don’t even know what Hex Hall is or how much I loved Archer Cross. And it’s like I’m standing here, alone. All these things to say and… no one to say them to. It’s like turning around to talk to someone and realizing they’re not standing there anymore.
Even thinking back on it… there was no one way to deal with this. Marriages can be worked at. They can be fixed. They can go back to how they were. Not mine. Not ours. There was only one choice to make and I hated it then and I hate it now. But I needed to do what was best for me. And as much as it hurts, as much as it kills me, I know there’s no going back. There wasn’t before I made the choice to leave and there isn’t now. The only thing I CAN do is learn to live with and accept the fact that my marriage to my best friend in the entire world failed. Period.
Because of who he is and who I am… we grew apart a long time ago. We held on for so long hoping, I think, for the same reason. That maybe we’d just fall back into place like when we were kids. But we were so different. Something in him snapped and changed. He went into a place I couldn’t follow him. He chose Kenz over me, his wife. He chose Kenz then and he chose her after we divorced. Just my friend my ass. Always trust your gut, it will never lie to you. I couldn’t help him from where he was… where he still is.