The Hardest Goodbye ; would had been 11 weeks tomorrow…

This blog as always been around as more of a place for me to archive my life. As someone who personally blogged since 1999, it’s somewhat of a habit. Although I don’t blog every single day like I use to, I try to blog when I can/remember to/have something to say/have something to remember.

Then there were 4, but now there are just 3…


Continue reading “The Hardest Goodbye ; would had been 11 weeks tomorrow…”


Sometimes I really hate iPhones

It all started when my iPhone force updated; I personally hate doing iPhone updates. For one, I barely ever have any memory because I hoard photos, screenshots and videos like no ones business. Which makes my life difficult in general since I use my phone for pretty much everything — social media, taking product shots, vlogging and editing my videos. So to add on iPhone constantly asking me if I want to update… well it just irritates me. I hit “remind me later” for like months. I pretty much don’t update my iSO until I upgrade my phone lol!

So it force upgraded one night which freaked me the hell out cause it did the whole “Welcome!” “Set up your iPhone!” bitch what? My iPhone is already set up! Thankfully after that screen was gone all was well. Nothing was deleted, nothing was missing. Whew.

Then the other day it asks me if I want to import my photos to my cloud. Normally when I get a new phone I start it as a new phone just to keep my photos organized. I always answer this question wrong for some reason. So I hit yes.

Well… it decided to download every picture on my cloud since 2013 on my current phone. ALL FUCKIN 23K OF THEM. Yup. So my phone was madd heating up and constantly binging with the “error, you have no more memory” shit again. I decided to reverse this awful idea and in the process I LOST ALL MY PICS FROM AUGUST AND SEPTEMBER but somehow it kept my favs from 2013? Fuckin really?!

I literally don’t understand the optimize feature for photos when it comes to the iPhones and the folders when I go in to transfer them to my laptop are confusing as hell (some folders have ONE PHOTO IN IT, why. Just why.) and I never know how to fix it.

So here I am, with a whole month and a half worth of photos missing, other photos scattered and other photos from 2013 on my device.


So yeah, I’m pretty stressed out right now.

I think once it hits October I’m going to just wipe my phone and redo everything cause this shit is a mess. And I wanna just cry.

OCD probs.

Fuckin sucks.

Food, Hello, Reflecting

Weekly Recap; Sept 3rd – Sept 9th

The months are getting colder, which is exciting!

And the weather has been perfect here in Texas. I’ve missed real Fall’s!

Continue reading “Weekly Recap; Sept 3rd – Sept 9th”


Do you feel like a man, when you push her around?

Today last year was Easter.

I have a super private “blog” app I keep on my phone that I only write in when either something makes me incredibly sad or angry. I hardly post any happy things in there but lately I have been. So there’s been more happy posts and happy screenshots going on. I have a tendency to go back and read these posts as a I wonder what I was doing one year ago today thing. I did this a lot with my LiveJournal’s back in the day too.

Nick had said we’d go to Disney; it has been a thing I do — spend Easter at Disney. But the night before he had stayed up late gaming with his friends like stayed up till 7am gaming as he had been the whole week and weeks before that. Knowing his pattern, him sleeping that late meant he wasn’t going to get up until 3pm the next day and no matter how I asked he wouldn’t put that into consideration.

So when Easter Day came around I was obviously pretty pissed off about it. I remember being upset and tired of this shit — I hate empty promises and I hate liars. It was pretty much a month and a half of pent up irritation.

He walked over, grabbed me and slammed me into the couch pinning me down screaming at me to quit acting like a child. No matter how hard I tried to kick him or if I tried to push him off he would just tighten his grip and keep screaming at me. It gave me a massive panic attack that he told me to get over.

Continue reading “Do you feel like a man, when you push her around?”

Marriage, Reflecting

Sucks to be you right now… so sad…

SPiNNiNG: Best Thing I Never Had by Beyonce



That dreaded D word.

All the emotions. All the memories. Traditions. Favorites. Usual’s. Memories. Plans. Promises.

All gone.

It’s like you’re standing in this world all alone. No one knows what the hell you’re thinking because they weren’t part of that memory and the only person who was wants nothing to do with you and you want nothing to do with them.

It’s been six months and I keep still thinking. That one day I’ll see him at Hollywood Studios. I’ll see him when I get home to Cali and we’ll take our usual stroll through our favorite plaza in Napa. And it’ll be like nothing changed, my best friend, he’ll be there. With those dimples. Those dimples that use to be mine. With that damn smile. That damn laugh. That damn humor. Making up songs about his suggie. About his bo. We’ll stroll through our usual route through San Francisco.

But none of that is true. He might as well be dead. Because he’s never coming back. He probably was never even real, thinking back on it.

So I do what I usually do during a hard break up — I drown myself. In hobbies. Things to do. Projects. Books. Challenges. Video Games. Homework. Work. Anything I can get my hands on. Sick or not. I get shit done because I have to. For the sake of my sanity, I have to.

And I think the hardest part — besides watching the one person who knew you better than anyone turn into someone you don’t even know anymore — is doing these things, accomplishing these things, deciding to make these new moves and not having someone to tell.

I finished the book Cinder not too long ago. I had no one to tell. No one knows the history of me and Cinder. The Mortal Instruments series went through some changes. I had no one to tell. I adopted a kitten and named him Archer to go with my Sophie. No one got it. Why would they? They didn’t read Hex Hall. They don’t even know what Hex Hall is or how much I loved Archer Cross. And it’s like I’m standing here, alone. All these things to say and… no one to say them to. It’s like turning around to talk to someone and realizing they’re not standing there anymore.

Even thinking back on it… there was no one way to deal with this. Marriages can be worked at. They can be fixed. They can go back to how they were. Not mine. Not ours. There was only one choice to make and I hated it then and I hate it now. But I needed to do what was best for me. And as much as it hurts, as much as it kills me, I know there’s no going back. There wasn’t before I made the choice to leave and there isn’t now. The only thing I CAN do is learn to live with and accept the fact that my marriage to my best friend in the entire world failed. Period.

Because of who he is and who I am… we grew apart a long time ago. We held on for so long hoping, I think, for the same reason. That maybe we’d just fall back into place like when we were kids. But we were so different. Something in him snapped and changed. He went into a place I couldn’t follow him. He chose Kenz over me, his wife. He chose Kenz then and he chose her after we divorced. Just my friend my ass. Always trust your gut, it will never lie to you. I couldn’t help him from where he was… where he still is.



Shopping && Sprint

So the other day, something happened that kinda made me sad. It was the kind of sad where M kinda sensed it and as soon as it was over, he pulled me off the laptop to lay with him and tell him about it. There are advantages and disadvantages when your husband can tell what you’re feeling and there’s no sense in lying.

So yesterday he took me out. I paid some bills and I did a little shopping. We stopped by the mall and I got an Animation 2 Vinylmation (Kim Possible… again! Ugh!) and a cute Snow White tanktop. Went and exchanged my candle at Bath & Body Works (love their return policy) and grabbed the 3 new Honey infused lip balms (tried Honey Strawberry so far and it’s mehh). Then we headed over to one of my favorite plaza’s for project cardigan lol!

We went into F21 first and I spotted this really really cute blue ruffled dress I really wanted. But M decided against it. I hate when he decides against clothes I really really want. But most of the time when he says something isn’t right for me, he’s usually, 100% right. But I will have that dress!! lol. So we moved on. Didn’t find anything I wanted in Sephora (I know, shocking right? Maybe I should say I didn’t find anything I wanted to spend my money on). Got 2 other candles from Bath & Body Works here because they had 2 scents the mall didn’t have (whats up with that)! M got me a root beer float to make me feel better (aww, loves) and took a quick look at MAC. Headed over to H&M and I found my cardigan!! I’m so excited!! I also got this cute set of nail polish (:

After shopping, we headed over to Target to get some snacks and I needed to get a pillow, but they were lacking in the pillow department lol. Headed over to Bed Bath & Beyond to exchange a Lip Butter for a nail polish, decided on another Lip Butter just because… I dunno, I have my perfect red… I don’t need another one! But you can’t have too much nail polish (: then headed to Michaels and I found SMASH BOOKS!!! They’re like, scrapbooks sorta. I don’t know exactly how else to describe them but I got one to match up with my food blog. It’ll be fun! I’m tempted to tidy this room a little and get some pretty fake spring flowers and make a cute little display out of them. We’ll see.

I’m so excited for spring! And Easter!

Headed home, pooped (:

Continue reading “Shopping && Sprint”



I made a deal with my homeboy a few nights ago. He complained about how he can’t find the time/motivation to start sketching again and I of course complained about writing. So I made him a deal, for every meaningful blog post I post, he’ll have to sketch. I don’t think this entry will count, but the one after this, with my Valentines Day pics will.

Most of the time, around the New Year, I go crazy with making lists and prepping for the year (of what I  fantasize about doing) and I get all inspired and motivated and excited… but this year, that wasn’t the case. I didn’t really make a list and there wasn’t really anything I was excited about.

This depresses me.

I’m the type of person who likes to plan things. Who likes to make lists. Who likes something to look forward to. And without that, I feel so… lost. I feel empty. And I don’t know how to fill this void. It’s been really starting to frustrate and stress me out these last few weeks and while I’m browsing all of these inspiring blogs, making lists of blog posts I could write, I feel like I’m missing something. And I don’t know what it is.

Today was suppose to be spent relaxing. I was in pain the whole weekend and I’m finally starting to feel better, but I still wanted to take it easy today. I already finished two loads of laundry (why is laundry during the day — in an empty house — relaxing but at night it’s just hell?) and I have to do another one later tonight. I’m thinking of sorting/tidying the room up.  I wish I could decorate it and fix it up like I want to, but I don’t know. That seems like an awful lot of work to be doing, to be honest. But I’m sure it’s playing a part in my un-inspired state.

Started reading a “scary” book this morning, I think I’ll reserve it for “day reading” since I scared pretty easily lol. My reading goal is up to date (according to Goodreads) so thank goodness for that! I’m slowly crawling out of this reading funk. Slowly. Taking baby steps. Don’t want to fall back in. I’m just tried of the same ol’ plot and the same dreary characters in YA but I’m a bit hesitant to dabble into chick lit. But who knows, I might actually enjoy it! I might pick something chick lit-ish out tonight to try.