Reflecting

How do you do it, you got me losing every breath…

SPiNNiNG: Latch by Disclosure

On days or nights I get really bad anxiety or I just don’t feel like talking I tend to blast the hell out of this song — it reminds me a lot of when I first met Penny and how obsessed we were with each other. Of course, five months later it’s hardly like that anymore. That’s just the typical timeline of a relationship.

Last night was weird; the day was fine. Nothing triggered me, nothing really went on during the day. Everything was fine. I had a bit of a reality slap during my late lunch but it wasn’t anything epic or serious really. Just the realization that I don’t have a s/o’s company this holiday season is a thing that’s happening. And it made me realize I haven’t ever been alone alone since I was 17. Granted I was married for 11 years but still, the realization that you’ll be completely alone during the holidays after that long of not is something that can be hard to swallow sometimes. It definitely puts a little bit of a panic on my mind but I’ll be fine, I’m sure. It’ll just be… different. And a lot more empty. But people go through this all the time, right? It’s not fatal.

I got sent home from work early and did a little bit of shopping so I mean, that was pretty exciting and happy.

So I went home and I went to unpack the Christmas stuff and put away the Halloween stuff. I’m not happy with it just yet but I’m still trying to figure out what to do with the place too. I still need to tidy and all of that — I’m hoping to get most of that done within the next week. Mostly because I’m tired of the mess around the place. And the boxes. But I found my small white tree that typically goes in my room. My theme this year are reds/browns/steampunk even though my room has white lights and garland. It’s whatever. One of these years I’ll go full on theme-y.

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It wasn’t until later that night that I got anxious and depressed and I couldn’t really figure out why. The last thing I remember was looking through the Christmas stuff that Nick had packed away and remembering what last Christmas was like — before he started being mean and how fun it was going all out with someone who was just as excited as you were to decorate the place. Our apartment was a Christmas wonderland last year. I loved it. I loved it so much. I was actually really sad when we had to take everything down.

But that isn’t really something to be sad about. And it was way random. I was always about making my own traditions and I have a good handful of them. Why should this year be any different? It shouldn’t.

But yet last night was still really rough and annoying anxiety-wise.

I just started feeling worthless and hopeless and not worth anyone’s time. I was basically throwing myself a really intense pity party and it’s been a good while since I’ve done any of that crap so I wasn’t too happy with myself because I’m suppose to be stronger than that. I’m suppose to get those thoughts out of my mind before they take over. But I couldn’t and I didn’t.

I’m a little better now though and I suppose that’s all that really matters.

Hello, Reflecting

30days

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How did it go from 40-something days to just thirty?

One month.

In 30 days I’ll be in another state probably freaking the hell out.

I’m sure freaking the hell out.

104% sure I’ll be freaking the hell out.

So 30 days from now I can look back on this blog post and remind myself that you were sitting in your room, listening to Congratulations by Ne-Yo, thinking of spraying down your closet with body spray — again, taking a break from NaNoWriMo, freaking out.

I hope you’re having fun future Hazel, just sayin.

Maybe I should start at the beginning?

One day I met a boy.

And he was all over the place.

Literally.

He was dropped into my life 2 days after a very traumatic situation and 1 day after getting my heart broken.

But he made me laugh.

And after spending a little bit of time with him and taking screen shots (the one where my character is wearing pink is still one of my favorite screen shots we’ve ever taken — and it was the day I asked if he had a mat I needed for something I wanted so he came and found me while I was fishing and decided to hang out with me for awhile, after that we just kept hanging out) we kinda just clicked. I added him on Facebook and started a poke war to get his attention, though I’m starting to think that getting his attention wouldn’t had been as hard as I thought it would be.

He’s totally random. He busts out singing randomly. Everything from slow jams to Disney songs to Wicked. He wants to know everything I’m thinking. He wants to know how anxiety and depression works and how it impacts me and what he can do to help. He wants to know what my life was like. He wants to know what my day was like. He wants to know what makes me laugh and what makes me mad. He sings to me at night. He spoils me every chance he gets. He makes sure I go to bed feeling loved and laughing, every single night, for the last 5 months. He wakes me up every single morning with “good morning beautiful”. He proposed to and married me in FFXIV. He calls me his wife in real life. He constantly tells me he’s proud of me (even though he also tells me I can’t do something knowing it’ll make me mad and push me to do it). He reminds me when I need to get certain things done. He pushes me to blog, vlog and read. He cheers me on. He watches movies and reality tv with me. He listens to me rant and rave. He tries to make sense of my nonsense. He’s constantly looking at me with what he calls “I need you” eyes. He’s my best friend and I don’t know what I would do without him.

He came out of nowhere and just fell into my life on a total whim.

And my life hasn’t been the same since.

I haven’t been the same.

And I kinda like where this is going.

Reflecting

My heart is pounding, but it’s just a conversation

SPiNNiNG: Take Your Time by Sam Hunt

This song has been on heavy repeat all week. I don’t even remember how I came across it again but I’m super glad I did.

I feel like the world is spinning way too fast and I’m struggling to keep up. To keep things in line. But there’s this boy and he’s like a tornado in my so neatly kept world. He shakes everything up, throws things I had solid opinions on and throws them around until all that’s left is me. The me I am today. The me who is no longer a victim but a fighter. The me who will not give any fucks. The me who if you show me you don’t care, I’ll show you I don’t care even more. The me who’s free to be excited again and happy over the smallest things without having to keep her happiness in check. The me who runs around malls and grocery stores and places with pretty lights.

  

There’s this boy and though I haven’t known him for long; he’s helped me feel more confident in my skin to the point where I’m wearing dresses and skirts (with cute kitty tights, but still, it’s a step). He makes me feel like I’m worth something — and I know you’re never suppose to put that power into someone elses hand. YOU are suppose to KNOW YOUR OWN worth but it’s nice when someone comments on it too. I am still after all human. There’s this boy who is content as shit just sitting with me looking out at the water for hours into the night holding my hand. There’s this boy, who doesn’t rush me into anything, doesn’t force me into anything (except when it comes to homework). There’s this boy and he’s the most polite and respectful boy I’ve ever dated. To have someone respect you after going so long without that… it’s a strange feeling. I know I shouldn’t but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like this is just a figment of my imagination. Like all of this isn’t real. How could this be real? How could someone like Nick be into someone like me? I’m a total mess. A total and complete chaos of a mess.

I know you’re suppose to dwell on things and I try my best not to. I don’t find myself reaching back as much as I use to… but I wonder how M feels that he destroyed his marriage. That I actually left. That I found someone who cares about me, who actually takes care of me and makes me happy. We were never meant to be baby, we just happened. And I guess at some point we just rolled with it cause what can we do now?

I have not loved someone in possibly years. I haven’t felt this bubbly happiness or this urge to just watch him in years. In literal years. And it’s such an intense and scary feeling. A feeling I don’t think I’m worth of and especially not from someone like Nick.

Life works in extremely mysterious ways.

Reflecting

And I love the way… that he makes me feel

Mason: ok if u want to change then change the stuff M forced into u can be changed and also u might be better staying with nick might be good
Me: Not that easy tho Mason. I never stop my boyfriends from gaming because my ex broke up with me for it when I was 16. I’m not clingy either for the same reason. Every person you’re with has the power to change you. It’s bullshit.
Mason: ok but what happens when u meet a guy (like myself) that actually likes clingy girls or would want to play games with you what happens when u meet them ? the thing is 7 billion ppl in the world one will match how u act so dont change for some one to match them cuz that means that u just lost ur match up and also u made someone else lose the match up.

A friend of mine and myself had a conversation sort of like that once. When we were about 14. Before either of us even had boyfriends. She wondered if there was just ONE person in the ENTIRE WORLD made for us and it’s something we’ve both toyed with in our head as we grew up. I’ll seriously never forget that conversation in the band room Dree!

Now that we’re both older, both divorced and both dating other people… I guess… I dunno. I do believe that every person you date and every person you’re with changes you. Influences you. Leaves a mark on you. And that’s not saying it’s a bad thing but sometimes it can be a damaging thing.

I remember mentioning to Nick that I wanted to visit him at work randomly but I stopped myself and I apologized. He was sincerely confused and asked why I was saying sorry and I was like “isn’t that like, annoying or something?” and he was like “no, why would that be annoying? I’d love for you to visit me at work.” and I dunno, it’s just weird. Like I’m now programed to do all this stuff or rather to not do all this stuff and it just sucks. I want to go back to being that thoughtful, everything-I-do-is-symbolic girlfriend that was way too sweet. It sucks when you find a good person but you yourself are so far damaged beyond repair. But lucky when that person wants nothing else but to see you smile, to hear you laugh and to sincerely make you happy. You can just feel that that’s their intention. Whatever it takes to make you happy, they’ll do without hesitation. And it’s not a you-owe-me-later type of feeling either. It’s a sincere they really want to make you happy feeling. Nick doesn’t get mad when I’m in the car playing on my phone or on Instagram and Twitter while he’s driving. He doesn’t get mad if I don’t talk on the drive home at 2AM both of us shit tired. And it’s things like that, that remind me how fucked up I am. Because I’m suddenly not the silence-is-okay type anymore. I always feel like I have to make conversation or I have to keep talking about something. Even though Nick doesn’t care if I do or don’t. Every time I am on Instagram on my phone he always looks over tells me I’m cute when I’m concentrating on something or replying or whatever. And always telling me if we ever go on vacation that means no blogging lol.

And it’s nice and it’s different and you don’t know how to react when these things that you wanted to do for someone once before to brighten up their day only made their day awful and now the person you’re with wants these things and you don’t know how to shake out of this funk you’ve been in for so long. I expect Nick to hide me and he doesn’t. He talks about me all the time. To his friends, his coworkers, his family… he’s in no way ashamed to show he cares about me in front of my friends and his friends or the entire world for that matter. And when my friends ask what his intentions are he always replies with “making sure she feels like the princess she is and to make her as happy as I possibly can from here on out.”

He is truly something else.

And while I’m here, struggling to find that side of myself again, trying to convince myself it’s okay to be that person again, he’s standing right there waiting patiently and not judging me when I slip and fall. He just helps me right back up and I try again. I hate that I find it weird, how kind he is. How caring he is. How romantic he is. Because it’s sad, in a way. Like what kind of people have I been dating if something as simple as him bringing me flowers before a date excites me to the point of no return?

Things happen for a reason and him coming into my life at the time he did could not had been an accident. I don’t know how this piece fits into the puzzle but I’ll figure it out, I usually normally do. Until then, I’ll enjoy my time with my Prince Charming creating new memories, going on new journey’s and having someone near that flat out cares about you and isn’t afraid to tell the world.

Reflecting

She, she ain’t real…

SPiNNiNG: Rumor Has It/Someone Like You — Glee

So between now and my last entry — things didn’t really get any better.

My lower back is freakin killing me.

I’m gonna blog this standing up, cause this is seriously insane.

But within the month that has passed, things, if anything got significantly worse. As if I didn’t think they could get any worse than they already were. But that’s the beauty of life, isn’t it? It can always get worse.

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead…

So I had to step back. I had to calm down. I had to think. Which was hard when you’re sucked into a black vortex of straight up fury and depression. And I had to reevaluate what I wanted. What I deserved and how to get it. Revenge would had been sweet, but that’s not what we’re talking about.

So the last — in total — three months have been straight up crap. So much crap that I dropped ten pounds, that I barely went to work and I barely passed any of my classes. I barely slept. I barely did anything. I just… didn’t care. Why care. We were seeing just where caring was getting me. Nowhere. And nothing.

Thank goodness for my girl A for saving me and being there for me the last three months or I woulda lost my damn mind!

I probably already did, regardless.

I’m beating around the bush.

So my OCD was a primary focus in all of this, because my anxiety had significantly spiked up. And I do mean SPIKED. UP. Like I was constantly anxious. I was constantly on the edge. I was constantly angry and depressed and I felt like my emotions were going to consume me whole. So I did what I said I wouldn’t do because I can beat this naturally. Except it’s been ten years. I need a little help.

So I got a little bit of help and the little bit of help has been A LOT of help the last few days. I feel better already; I feel more clear minded, I’m not anxious anymore (thank goodness), I’m not wallowing in depression, I’m getting back to focusing on the things that made me happy and the things I like doing and I’m feeling good. I’m not happy just yet. But I’m feeling better than I have in the last three months — in the last ten years. That’s for sure. I see small changes with my OCD lately and I’m glad of the progress I’m making. They’re things I thought would never stop bothering me and now I can just ignore them like they’re not a big deal — because they’re not.

I actually had a bit of an argument with my OCD yesterday while doing the laundry. It’s not as dominant and strong or loud as it use to be. There are times when I’ll mindlessly give in to smaller things but this particular thing I figured the only reason why I’m even getting slightly anxious is because I keep thinking about it. So I went off to do something else. Needless to say, by the time I pulled the CLEAN laundry out of the dryer I had no desire to rewash it even though my OCD was trying to get me to and I survived just fine. It’s nice and it’s different to be able to separate the two. I mean I’ve always been aware of the OCD and my own rational thought but before it felt like the OCD was taking over my rational thought and turning it into what it wanted. But now I can step back, back enough that I can decide what I want to do.

And to have that control back after so many years.

It’s nice.

And I’m excited about this journey.

So to the people who made my life a living hell the last three months, thanks. You guys are still assholes but at least now I’m on a journey to a better, happier, healthier me and well… you guys are still stuck in your shithole.

Hello, Reflecting

Don’t expect so much they said…

You’ll only be setting yourself up for disappointment.

I know, it’s been a really long time since I’ve been here.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been on any blog, writing or reading. I don’t even watch YouTube videos that much anymore.

I’m a little upset, not going to lie, that a year with a four in it has been so rough so far and that it’s the ten year anniversary of everything for us and we’ve been struggling as well. I guess I just expected too much. Like life owes me something too much. That might had contributed to the downfall.

The last month in particular has been really rough on me and while it seems like some aspects of my life are getting even worse, I’m just… tired of caring I guess. I’m tired of letting other people control my emotions. I’m tired of laying in bed depressed out of my mind and relying on sleeping aids to drift me off to sleep and shut my mind off for me.

And so I made the decision last week to get up.  To get back to building the life I want because it’s MY life and only I can make sure I create it the way I want. I threw away my sleeping pills and last night was night 2 without them which was harder than night 1. I couldn’t sleep at all last night. The only reason why I was able to sleep on the first night was because I did some pretty intense kickboxing the day before that and I was still worn out from it. Which makes me miss kickboxing classes. There’s nothing nicer than the tiredness you get from a work out like that. I’m not sure if it’s the same for all work outs since I don’t really work out. I just kickbox lol. I’ve been consumed by anxiety a lot lately, like crazy amounts of it. Which I think is what’s making me depressed the most and so I’m trying to get that in control. It’s all in my mind. And damn is my mind powerful. But only against me. Crazy piece of shit.

Thunderstorm season has started here in Florida and I can’t say I’m excited. It’s exciting when you know, you’re not required to work outside and stand in the storms. But since that isn’t really the case this summer… there you go.

So here’s to a new month and to starting over…