stress

Weekly Recap; March 19th – 25th

I can’t believe how fast the month is going!

Two more weeks and Bubba will be here to spend a week with me for my birthday \o/ which also means… two more weeks until I turn 32. Ugh.I feel like I should feel old. I don’t look any older than 19 and I don’t act any older too, but I feel like time-wise, I could had done more with my life and my time. I don’t know exactly how since it’s not like I wasn’t trying or taking risks but sometimes things just don’t go as planned and that’s okay, what’s not okay is to sit around and mope about it like I have been for the passed few months now.

True things are harder without a car and things are harder when you’re doing them on your own but it’s the challenges in life that help us build who we ARE and to show us just how STRONG we can be if we just don’t quit.

Though quitting is so much easier than the other thing.

I feel like the majority of my 20’s was a waiting game. Waiting for a sign on what to do next. Waiting on a new dream/goal. Waiting for my marriage to magically fix itself. All of which didn’t happen so I feel like my 20’s were just me waiting around, for nothing. And I hate that and I hate thinking back to it but there’s nothing you can do about the past except plan better in the future.

Anyway, I’ll stop rambling, you’re not here for that today.

(more…)

The Return of Anxiety

The last week and a half I feel like I’m just… floating on by.

It’s crazy when anxiety hits you because one minute you could be totally fine and the next minute, without cause or reason, literally out of nowhere suddenly you’re really really not.

I get anxiety for a lot of reasons — there’s a lot of things that have happened recently that I know I haven’t settled within myself. I haven’t taken the time to grieve, to pull the events that took place apart just to put them back together to make more sense to me. I don’t write about things like that anymore, I don’t blog about them, I try not to talk about them. And I don’t know why, I don’t know why I stopped. I always feel like I can take on the world by myself; that this problem is mine and mine alone. But as of late I’ve just been… ignoring them. I tell myself that these things are over and done with and there’s no reason to be upset or hold grudges or mourn. Like doesn’t stop for anyone. So keep your head up, smile and remember that despite the things that have happened the important thing is that those days are over and they’re not coming back. You’re okay now. You’re safe now. You’re loved now. There’s no need for fear or worry. There’s so much in life to be thankful and happy about now. There’s SO MUCH.

But if you have anxiety, you know that even telling yourself of all the positives sometimes that shit just creeps up on you and smacks you upside the head like hey, remember me? Of course I do, can’t forget someone who won’t go away.

I’ve been drained the last week and a half. I haven’t felt like doing anything and I didn’t get anything done. I did clean my kitchen which I think triggered everything; cleaning a mess that isn’t mine and having to do this shit all over again. It’s the little things, isn’t it? That always fuck with your head when you least expect it. All I know is that I’ve been in a bad mood overall and easily irritated by the littest things and I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all. I’ve been hating hot baths, phone calls, text messages — I don’t want anyone to talk to me. I just wanna be left alone. And I keep crying.

On the upside, I keep forgetting to take anti anxiety meds (which I only take now on weeks like this which doesn’t happen often at all). So it must not be that bad if I keep forgetting, right?

And today I decided to get up, appreciate the sunshine and get back to work.

Anxiety is always going to come back, but it’s up to me to decide how I’m going to handle it.

It helps I have an amazing boyfriend who will call even when he has work early the next morning and talk to me to calm me down and make sure that I’m really okay before he even thinks about going to sleep. Who can tell when my vibe has changed and will make me laugh or watch a movie or a TV show with me and wait until I’m ready to talk about it. He might not know anything about depression or anxiety but he sure does know how to ease most of it when it shows up and for that I’m incredibly thankful.

I’ve been drowning myself in slow jams and feel good music to try and change my mood. So far it’s working.

 

What would make you happy?

I don’t know.

I honestly don’t know.

And it scares me and irritates me and causes anxiety and panic all at the same time.

WILL I NEVER BE HAPPY?! WILL I NEVER BE SATISFIED WITH LIFE?! WELLLLL?!

If you had asked me 5 years ago the answer would had been simple; I just want to work for Disney.

It was like my one goal in life. My biggest goal in life and now that I can cross that off my bucket list I really… am at a loss and I know I’ve talked about this plenty of times before. I want to work for a publishing company in New York. I want to have lunch in Central Park. I want to experience snowfall. I want to work in a cubical I can pin pictures of my cat and inspiring words around and maybe have a little pot I can name Boq. It’ll be a mini cactus. I want to see Broadway musicals on my day off. I want to come home to a small cozy apartment with a modern look and a fluffy couch for me to plop down on and watch Netflix.

But now I’m 28. I’m married. My life isn’t just mine anymore, it’s my spouses as well. There are tons of other things to factor in — how to pay rent, how to pay for our car, how to pay those damn utility bills, how to pay for food, how to pay for cute seasonal clothes (I’ve never been able to indulge in this but I feel like if I moved to NY it would be a MUST) and various other things that may or may not make my head explode just thinking about it.

And while he tells me he doesn’t mind if we find ourselves in NY with me working in a publishing company, how would I get there? Falling into Disney was a lucky chance. But I doubt I’ll be that lucky with moving to NY.

I just wish money wasn’t something I was constantly worrying about. How to pay my bills, how to stay on top of things, debt — DEBT EVERYWHERE. And it really does fray the edges around what could be happiness. What could be a good thing and I know it could STILL be a good thing, but I have bigger responsibilities now. I’m not a 20 year old daydreaming about her life. I’m a 28 year old who’s living A life and trying to live ANOTHER life.

I will be happy again, I just have to work harder. At various areas of my life.

I feel like a slug

I haven’t been inspired or as productive as I usually am lately. I’ve been more like depressed and stressed the eff out. It might have something to do with mom being on vacation. I don’t get why she takes these long vacations when she eventually gets restless and starts yelling at everyone. Makes no sense. But I just haven’t felt like doing much lately.

Which is bad because I have a lot to do.

I feel like my head is stuffed with cotton. In molasses. Yeah, that’s pretty accurate to how I feel right about now.

I have a review to write for tomorrow (for the blog) then I have two reviews to write tonight (for Amazon Vine) and I should had gotten all of this done on Sunday (which is my write-all-the-posts-for-the-week day) but I don’t know, I just wasn’t feeling it. I need to bring my pages views back up on the blog and I don’t really know how. It’s so stressful (everything is so stressful right now)! Speaking of, I emailed my financial adviser the other day about this whole situation (which he said I had to order/request something from the IRS) and he still hasn’t responded. No email, no phone call, nothing. My academic adviser is no better these days, I emailed him about why M and I have different school days soon and all he said was, “if it’s the Martin I think you’re talking about I could put you in his class.” If it’s the Martin I think you’re talking about? What kind of half-ass response is that? Seriously? Ugh, I want my old FA and AA back. These new guys don’t know what they’re doing!

DCP applications come out soon, so thank goodness for that! I really hope I do good this time. I need this.

 

 

 

I just feel like talking… or typing…

So right now I’m having Costco’s Turkey Swiss rolls for dinner with pretzel’s and a Cherry Pepsi. I’d be drinking apple juice instead… if I still had any. I’ve been trying to eat healthy and it’s becoming much more easier these days. Not sure when was the last time I had fast food actually, so that’s always a good thing, right? Now if only I could kick soda… I did good for about a month but I don’t know, I cracked down again. I need to be better at this. But it’s so hot lately! Nothing really feels better than a cold soda on a hot summer night!

I just finished another NetGalley book. I have like 4 NetGalley review to write. I need to be better at reading/reviewing things from NetGalley or my stats will be off and publishers won’t trust me. I’m already a little irritated that my book blog page rank went down a point and my page views are down by 2k this month. It’s not that I haven’t been posting content either so I don’t know. Maybe it’s just an off month. Everyone’s getting ready to go back to school *shrug* or maybe I just suck and no one likes me.

I read and reviewed a self published book recently. I don’t really do that often even though I buy a lot of them. There’s nothing wrong with self pubs really, just that they’re sometimes annoying when they pitch things to you over and over and don’t bother to even address you by your name. But there’s a lot of great self pubbed books to be discovered too!

I owed St. Martin’s a review like a week or two ago and I haven’t finished the book. Wahhh. Also need to finish two Amazon Vine books by Thursday… double wahhh.

Aside from that I need to tidy the room, pick up my Mario 3DS pre-order from GameStop, outline my two new projects, work on making witch hats, learn to crochet and look up some more stuff on making top hats.

The kittens are okay, I just wish I could help take better care of them. Chocolate has been scratching the side of his face raw and he has a bunch of scabs and missing fur. Dunno what’s going on there.

Things are stressful and I hate it. I can’t relax, I can’t sleep, I can’t stop the headaches. My anxiety is higher than ever in the last two years. I just don’t know how to really deal right now besides taking NyQuil and at the moment I can’t even do that. I don’t know what relaxes me anymore. Not much of anything. I wish Wicked was still around, that never failed to relax me. I just want a different life. And it’s so hard to get being here. I can’t find a job or anything. This place sucks. Can’t even get gas without people trying to bum money off you every single day. I don’t think there’s been a time we’ve went to get gas without someone begging for money. It’s ridic. You need change? I need change. I can’t even afford gas! Get out of my face! Ugh.

*sigh.

 

 

 

Stress…

Math 2 is really really frustrating me. There are times when I’ll get it and there are times when I think I do and I’ll go home to do the homework and not know wtf is going on. I did manage to do my homework on my own tonight (and complete every single question for once) but when I did my self-check, I pretty much failed it. Which sucks. There are so many different rules to the same looking equations that I just don’t remember. Ughhh.

I’ve taken a few days off from reading, which I probably shouldn’t had but I’ve been really really tired at the end of the day lately. It was cold last night and today though, so that was nice. It’s suppose to be cooler this week, I’m hoping it stays that way.

I’ve been purging my books lately, I figure if I’ve had it for 3 years and still have no interest in moving up in my TBR pile, then I’m letting it go. I still have a lot of books to go through but I managed to get rid of a bunch a few days ago.

I’ve just been really stressed out lately and it’s frustrating. I keep having trouble breathing again and that’s never fun. Ugh. I need a break…

You always say the words I love to hear…

It’s been a pretty stressful and bitchy week for both M and I. Sometimes it’s comforting to know that your husband can read you like a book, but sometimes it feels like someone is invading your private thoughts and feelings. Mostly when I did something wrong and I try to hide it and well, I’m caught but I haven’t said anything yet.

Maybe this is TMI (Too Much Information) but hey, it’s my blog and if you know me at all, you know I’m all about telling you TMI. But it warms my heart when I’m sad about something and M hugs me and tells me he just wants to make love to me, look me in the eyes and tell me how much he loves me. ♥

I’m working really hard to sustain myself in this class — religion. Not exactly a class to jump for joy for, but I can’t deny that I’m having a ton of fun. The teacher is pretty funny and awesome. He makes religion really fun and that’s good, because it’s not a fun subject. Not even a little bit. Well, it can be if you were learning about something other than Jews and Jesus and such. Especially when you dropped that particular religion yourself years ago. So, yeah. That’s pretty much where I stand with that one…

Other personal things have been stressing me out lately, and it’s so weird that I worded it like that. Mostly because back in the day (when NO ONE was on the internet) I would blog everything I was thinking. No matter how personal and now I’m all “other personal things” like what the hell is that about? But I guess that’s the progression of the internet.

Anyway, I guess vaguely talking about isn’t really “letting it out” therefore it probably won’t really help me feel better. And I’m sure a year from now I’ll be like “and what the fuck are you referring to?!” but it’s all good. I just, don’t know. Feel like putting an extra protection spell around my already ridiculously high wall. Every time I feel a little unsure, I feel myself change. I don’t know exactly what I mean when I say that, but I feel a shift. A tilt. I remind myself to guard myself better. Is that sad? I guess it is. I’m a pretty open book, an open person and I’m starting to learn that I need to stop. No one can hurt me if they don’t know me.

In other news, I personally think that girls shouldn’t be leaders in video games… EVER. Maybe that’s an extreme comment, but we make horrible leaders. Sure we could start out all for being a strong leader but when you take a girl and put her in a league/linkshell/guild full of boys, she’s going to get… psycho. For lack of better word. Bottom line, it’s really bad juju for a leader to ninja loot her own friend/league member for any reason. You’re a LEADER. Not only that, but, I really could go on forever about this. But girls likethat give girls who actually do play video games sensibly a really, really, really bad name.

Also, how do you get mad cause someone you like on a VIDEO GAME has been MARRIED in REAL LIFE for the last TWO YEARS? I mean, come on, really? Maybe you need to get out the house more. Just because this game is real life for you doesn’t mean it’s real life for other people. Grow up. But it’s cool, keep making him mad, you’re THISCLOSE to no coming back and that’s the fun part. He doesn’t snap often (or at all) but when he does, it’s pure entertainment. For me at least. Hah!

I’ve been thinking about the things that matter lately. After two years of book blogging, I don’t know how I feel about it. And I hate to say that, because reading has always been my thing. But I guess it’s like how all the other bloggers who get there say. When you start getting flooded with ARC’s, with pitches, with one too many that there isn’t enough time for all of them + the rest of life, it gets tiring. It starts to feel like a job and not a hobby. I need to step back and think about this. I still want to do it, I still love reading an amazing book. I still want to share my thoughts. I still want to talk about books with people who love them too… but with life and school, it’s a little hard to do that lately.

Anyone who actually talks to me knows how much I love food. It’s no secret really. If you’re on my Facebook or if you follow me on Instagram or Twitter, it’s not really a secret. I’m one of those people who take a picture of their food before they eat it… every single time. Over the years I’ve had food blogs, but I never really knew what to do with them or where to go with them. I can’t deny that food has always been a strong passion of mine. It’s just now that I want to do something with that. I first started my first food blog when I was in culinary school and when I dropped, I moved to other food things, but I just never really took it seriously. I was suppose to start a food blog when I was working at Disney, I have the pictures… just not the exact memories anymore. I didn’t have a lot of time back then to focus on it. I wanted to start a cooking blog when I moved out too, but the stuff I made wasn’t really fantastic or anything. I felt like it was unworthy content, and now I regret not doing that.

But I started a food blog based on places in the SF bay. I’m having trouble updating it but I want to start taking it a little more seriously.

So maybe I will.

New class, busy weeks

I have a new class starting tomorrow, World Religions II. I don’t get how I got into “part II” of this class when I never got into “part I”. But… I guess. I’m pretty excited for it, I guess. Week one’s reading is going to be done on paganism and wicca so yeah, that’s pretty exciting. But the rest of the weeks are going to focus on other religions I don’t care much for lol. But I guess that’s a good place to start since most religions came from that.

The thing I’m not excited about is that we have a 700-1,050 word paper due tomorrow on our week one reading but the teacher extended it to Friday since something had happened or whatever. I just hate how UoP works that way, the classroom isn’t set up until the day before class and they expect us to write a paper in ONE night? Insane. Next week we have another 700-1,050 word paper due on a different religion.

It’s also frustrating cause I have nowhere I can do homework. I can’t really do it in our room cause M is always on his game/headset and I can’t concentrate. I can’t really do homework in my room because I can hear everything that goes on in the house. Like the constant on and off of the faucet. I wish my netbook had Word on it so I could just go to Starbucks or something and do my damn homework in peace (at least more peace than I can get at home).

I finished most of Amazon reviews, I have one left to do and I’m debating on if I should do it now or wait. I’m not really stressing over it. I need to figure something out with this book review stuff cause it’s really stressing me out right now. I need to do something about this stress in general. I’m getting random eczema patches all over me and just ugh, all sorts of health issues I can’t fix right now.

In complete other news, girls are stupid and whack. Seriously. Towards guys, towards each other, in general. They really need to calm their vagina’s.