How are we MID WAY through OCTOBER already?! The months and the days are passing WAY TOO FAST in my opinion! Though I suppose this time of year does pass a bit quicker than the rest… but still, I’m not done enjoying Fall and Halloween yet! I guess that’s my fault for wanting to start the Christmas celebrations on November 1st instead of on Thanksgiving like my family usually does…
This is stressing me out. So I figured, why not make a document it. Cause you know me… I like to document everything.
I’ve never moved from state to state that required a moving company and furniture. The last time I moved from CA to FL and back… and back again I had 3 pieces of luggage and that was it. So the move wasn’t that stressful or hard. I mean it was but in different ways. That didn’t cost me over a grand to do.
But this time I have furniture, stuff, important documents and a cat. All of which I need to get from FL to TX. Granted it’s not across the country but it is still proving to be a bit pricey.
My roommate leaves at the end of the month and I found this service on Amazon. As far as I know she hasn’t really ever cleaned/deep cleaned her room or bathroom so I figure I’d use it for when she leaves and they’ll fix everything up. I’ve always been a huge fan of Amazon services since like 2006 so yeah. And it releases some of the stress of me trying to figure out how to pack, clean, sort everything, take care of Sophie and alla that.
I’m just trying to find ways to make this move and process as stress free as I can.
I can’t believe how fast the month is going!
Two more weeks and Bubba will be here to spend a week with me for my birthday \o/ which also means… two more weeks until I turn 32. Ugh.I feel like I should feel old. I don’t look any older than 19 and I don’t act any older too, but I feel like time-wise, I could had done more with my life and my time. I don’t know exactly how since it’s not like I wasn’t trying or taking risks but sometimes things just don’t go as planned and that’s okay, what’s not okay is to sit around and mope about it like I have been for the passed few months now.
True things are harder without a car and things are harder when you’re doing them on your own but it’s the challenges in life that help us build who we ARE and to show us just how STRONG we can be if we just don’t quit.
Though quitting is so much easier than the other thing.
I feel like the majority of my 20’s was a waiting game. Waiting for a sign on what to do next. Waiting on a new dream/goal. Waiting for my marriage to magically fix itself. All of which didn’t happen so I feel like my 20’s were just me waiting around, for nothing. And I hate that and I hate thinking back to it but there’s nothing you can do about the past except plan better in the future.
Anyway, I’ll stop rambling, you’re not here for that today.
The last week and a half I feel like I’m just… floating on by.
It’s crazy when anxiety hits you because one minute you could be totally fine and the next minute, without cause or reason, literally out of nowhere suddenly you’re really really not.
I get anxiety for a lot of reasons — there’s a lot of things that have happened recently that I know I haven’t settled within myself. I haven’t taken the time to grieve, to pull the events that took place apart just to put them back together to make more sense to me. I don’t write about things like that anymore, I don’t blog about them, I try not to talk about them. And I don’t know why, I don’t know why I stopped. I always feel like I can take on the world by myself; that this problem is mine and mine alone. But as of late I’ve just been… ignoring them. I tell myself that these things are over and done with and there’s no reason to be upset or hold grudges or mourn. Like doesn’t stop for anyone. So keep your head up, smile and remember that despite the things that have happened the important thing is that those days are over and they’re not coming back. You’re okay now. You’re safe now. You’re loved now. There’s no need for fear or worry. There’s so much in life to be thankful and happy about now. There’s SO MUCH.
But if you have anxiety, you know that even telling yourself of all the positives sometimes that shit just creeps up on you and smacks you upside the head like hey, remember me? Of course I do, can’t forget someone who won’t go away.
I’ve been drained the last week and a half. I haven’t felt like doing anything and I didn’t get anything done. I did clean my kitchen which I think triggered everything; cleaning a mess that isn’t mine and having to do this shit all over again. It’s the little things, isn’t it? That always fuck with your head when you least expect it. All I know is that I’ve been in a bad mood overall and easily irritated by the littest things and I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all. I’ve been hating hot baths, phone calls, text messages — I don’t want anyone to talk to me. I just wanna be left alone. And I keep crying.
On the upside, I keep forgetting to take anti anxiety meds (which I only take now on weeks like this which doesn’t happen often at all). So it must not be that bad if I keep forgetting, right?
And today I decided to get up, appreciate the sunshine and get back to work.
Anxiety is always going to come back, but it’s up to me to decide how I’m going to handle it.
It helps I have an amazing boyfriend who will call even when he has work early the next morning and talk to me to calm me down and make sure that I’m really okay before he even thinks about going to sleep. Who can tell when my vibe has changed and will make me laugh or watch a movie or a TV show with me and wait until I’m ready to talk about it. He might not know anything about depression or anxiety but he sure does know how to ease most of it when it shows up and for that I’m incredibly thankful.
I’ve been drowning myself in slow jams and feel good music to try and change my mood. So far it’s working.
I don’t know.
I honestly don’t know.
And it scares me and irritates me and causes anxiety and panic all at the same time.
WILL I NEVER BE HAPPY?! WILL I NEVER BE SATISFIED WITH LIFE?! WELLLLL?!
If you had asked me 5 years ago the answer would had been simple; I just want to work for Disney.
It was like my one goal in life. My biggest goal in life and now that I can cross that off my bucket list I really… am at a loss and I know I’ve talked about this plenty of times before. I want to work for a publishing company in New York. I want to have lunch in Central Park. I want to experience snowfall. I want to work in a cubical I can pin pictures of my cat and inspiring words around and maybe have a little pot I can name Boq. It’ll be a mini cactus. I want to see Broadway musicals on my day off. I want to come home to a small cozy apartment with a modern look and a fluffy couch for me to plop down on and watch Netflix.
But now I’m 28. I’m married. My life isn’t just mine anymore, it’s my spouses as well. There are tons of other things to factor in — how to pay rent, how to pay for our car, how to pay those damn utility bills, how to pay for food, how to pay for cute seasonal clothes (I’ve never been able to indulge in this but I feel like if I moved to NY it would be a MUST) and various other things that may or may not make my head explode just thinking about it.
And while he tells me he doesn’t mind if we find ourselves in NY with me working in a publishing company, how would I get there? Falling into Disney was a lucky chance. But I doubt I’ll be that lucky with moving to NY.
I just wish money wasn’t something I was constantly worrying about. How to pay my bills, how to stay on top of things, debt — DEBT EVERYWHERE. And it really does fray the edges around what could be happiness. What could be a good thing and I know it could STILL be a good thing, but I have bigger responsibilities now. I’m not a 20 year old daydreaming about her life. I’m a 28 year old who’s living A life and trying to live ANOTHER life.
I will be happy again, I just have to work harder. At various areas of my life.
I haven’t been inspired or as productive as I usually am lately. I’ve been more like depressed and stressed the eff out. It might have something to do with mom being on vacation. I don’t get why she takes these long vacations when she eventually gets restless and starts yelling at everyone. Makes no sense. But I just haven’t felt like doing much lately.
Which is bad because I have a lot to do.
I feel like my head is stuffed with cotton. In molasses. Yeah, that’s pretty accurate to how I feel right about now.
I have a review to write for tomorrow (for the blog) then I have two reviews to write tonight (for Amazon Vine) and I should had gotten all of this done on Sunday (which is my write-all-the-posts-for-the-week day) but I don’t know, I just wasn’t feeling it. I need to bring my pages views back up on the blog and I don’t really know how. It’s so stressful (everything is so stressful right now)! Speaking of, I emailed my financial adviser the other day about this whole situation (which he said I had to order/request something from the IRS) and he still hasn’t responded. No email, no phone call, nothing. My academic adviser is no better these days, I emailed him about why M and I have different school days soon and all he said was, “if it’s the Martin I think you’re talking about I could put you in his class.” If it’s the Martin I think you’re talking about? What kind of half-ass response is that? Seriously? Ugh, I want my old FA and AA back. These new guys don’t know what they’re doing!
DCP applications come out soon, so thank goodness for that! I really hope I do good this time. I need this.
So right now I’m having Costco’s Turkey Swiss rolls for dinner with pretzel’s and a Cherry Pepsi. I’d be drinking apple juice instead… if I still had any. I’ve been trying to eat healthy and it’s becoming much more easier these days. Not sure when was the last time I had fast food actually, so that’s always a good thing, right? Now if only I could kick soda… I did good for about a month but I don’t know, I cracked down again. I need to be better at this. But it’s so hot lately! Nothing really feels better than a cold soda on a hot summer night!
I just finished another NetGalley book. I have like 4 NetGalley review to write. I need to be better at reading/reviewing things from NetGalley or my stats will be off and publishers won’t trust me. I’m already a little irritated that my book blog page rank went down a point and my page views are down by 2k this month. It’s not that I haven’t been posting content either so I don’t know. Maybe it’s just an off month. Everyone’s getting ready to go back to school *shrug* or maybe I just suck and no one likes me.
I read and reviewed a self published book recently. I don’t really do that often even though I buy a lot of them. There’s nothing wrong with self pubs really, just that they’re sometimes annoying when they pitch things to you over and over and don’t bother to even address you by your name. But there’s a lot of great self pubbed books to be discovered too!
I owed St. Martin’s a review like a week or two ago and I haven’t finished the book. Wahhh. Also need to finish two Amazon Vine books by Thursday… double wahhh.
Aside from that I need to tidy the room, pick up my Mario 3DS pre-order from GameStop, outline my two new projects, work on making witch hats, learn to crochet and look up some more stuff on making top hats.
The kittens are okay, I just wish I could help take better care of them. Chocolate has been scratching the side of his face raw and he has a bunch of scabs and missing fur. Dunno what’s going on there.
Things are stressful and I hate it. I can’t relax, I can’t sleep, I can’t stop the headaches. My anxiety is higher than ever in the last two years. I just don’t know how to really deal right now besides taking NyQuil and at the moment I can’t even do that. I don’t know what relaxes me anymore. Not much of anything. I wish Wicked was still around, that never failed to relax me. I just want a different life. And it’s so hard to get being here. I can’t find a job or anything. This place sucks. Can’t even get gas without people trying to bum money off you every single day. I don’t think there’s been a time we’ve went to get gas without someone begging for money. It’s ridic. You need change? I need change. I can’t even afford gas! Get out of my face! Ugh.